Axel's jaw was clenched tight and his cheeks were red. “But you got away.”
I pulled in a deep breath. This wasn't what I'd meant to tell him, when I started this conversation, but it felt right. It felt like the only thing to do, to lay all my baggage on the table, to let him know exactly what he was getting with me. “My mother had started to stand up to him to protect me, and I guess that was a problem for him. He caught me sneaking out to meet a boy and he kicked me out for disobeying him.” I bit my lip and took a moment to get a hold of myself. “It was the kindest thing he ever did for me. I think that's why my mother never answered my calls or tried to find me. She knew I was better off.” At least that's what I told myself. In the middle of the night when I'd wake from a nightmare of my father, I suspected she hated me for leaving her, for not rescuing her from him. “After my father died, I tried to make contact, but she wouldn't talk to me. Shelly thinks she's ashamed and feels guilty for not helping me, but I…I think maybe she just wants to pretend it never happened and I'm a reminder that it did. Which is maybe why I don't try harder to see her.”
He rubbed my thigh, but I pushed his hand away. I couldn't deal with his comfort.
“Once he was out of my life, I swore I'd never let anyone hurt me the way he'd hurt my mother. I'd never date anyone I wasn't absolutely certain I could overpower if I had to. I learned to fight and I worked out and I thought if I was strong enough, if I could be sure only to date guys I knew I could take down if they tried to control me, I'd be okay. I'd be safe.” My throat tightened and I swallowed hard. “Except I never felt safe, I never felt strong enough. Now…Now I can take a tree down with my bare hands and I know I could fight you off if you ever came after me. I'm stronger than I've ever been and…” The truth was I felt weaker than I'd ever been, because no matter how physically strong I was, the idea of another woman with him slayed me. The way he called me his girlfriend made me want to hold on tighter to him, because with him I felt safer than I'd ever felt in my life. I felt safer and it scared me like nothing else ever had before, because I knew he wouldn't have to use his fists to take me down, to break me. He could use words, he could use his attention or lack thereof, he could decide someone else was a better girlfriend for him. All of that would damage me, would hurt me, worse than a punch or a kick. And that meant I was weak with him, that meant he had far too much power over me. Of course, I couldn't tell him any of that. I sighed, trying to figure out how to do this, when I remembered I didn't need to explain myself to him. “You're a big, gruff mountain man and I'm a city girl. And I have a ton of baggage, way more than the alpha's girlfriend should have. The truth is that all we have is a physical relationship, and I don't want to be your girlfriend. I don't want a serious relationship at all. I need space to figure out this wolf thing and this starburst thing, and you and I just aren't compatible.”
“Okay.” He put his hand back on my thigh and squeezed.
I was more than a little taken aback. I'd just made a huge confession, something I'd never told anyone other than Shelly, and I'd dumped him. I'd dumped him hard and he…He was acting like nothing had changed? “Okay?”
“You are…” He pinched the bridge of his nose and took in a deep breath. “When I imagined the kind of woman I'd end up with, I'd always pictured…I don't even remember what I pictured, because when I think of my future, all I see is you.”
My heart clenched and my eyes burned. “I'm trying to tell you I can't be your future. You and I are all wrong together. We'd never work.”
He leaned in a bit. “I like you, Julie Jacobs. I like you more than I've liked anyone in a very long time. And I can promise you I will never hurt you. No matter what you do or how hard you push me away, I will never hurt you and I will never try to control you.”
What the hell was he talking about? Were we even having the same conversation? And why did I feel like I was about to burst into tears? “What I'm saying is that I don't care for you. I can't.” Now I was just outright lying, but he needed to be realistic and it was my job to help him with that.
He smiled sadly. “I hear what you're saying. Now, hear what I'm saying. You are the most infuriating woman I've ever met, because you insist on fighting me at every turn. You're also the only woman I know who's strong enough to fight me and win. You excite me and call me out on my bullshit, you make me smile when everything is going to shit and you make me forget, for a little while, that there are seventy-five people who depend on me. You are fresh air after years in a stuffy room, you are laughter after tears, you are the rainbow after a storm. You're loyal and you're strong and you're the sexiest woman on this planet. I'm in this with you all the way. If you decide in ten minutes you're ready to find a new pack and never see me again, I'll let you go. I won't chase you, I won't try to change your mind. I will never use my size or my alpha powers to manipulate you. But I will be waiting. I'll be waiting here for you to come back to me. I'll wait for you until my last breath leaves my body.”
Tears, uncontrollable, spilled over my lids. He was too good to be real. He couldn't mean what he was saying. “Don't be ridiculous. You'll meet some girly-girl, lace and cotton candy woman and she'll give you kids or pups or whatever and you'll forget about me.”
He shook his head. “I'll never forget about you. I'll never stop wanting you.”
This was too much. Way, way too much. He'd barely known me a week, he didn't know what he was saying. “You're delusional. I'm trying to tell you to forget about me.” I picked up his hand and shoved it off my thigh. “You're…You're completely impossible. I despise you.”
“You hate me,” he said with a wide grin.
“You are absolutely insane.”
His smile widened and he spun in his seat to start the truck, but stopped before he did and turned back to me, his smile slipping. “I'm sorry for what your father did to you. He didn't deserve a daughter like you. He didn't deserve a daughter or a wife. And you deserved so much better.”
I bit my lip hard not to sob. There was a hard lump in my throat, which was ridiculous. I was all weepy and emotional for no good reason. This is what relationships did to people, it made them feel things and I hated feeling things. I couldn't punch my way free of emotions.
Axel didn't say anything else, he started the truck and drove us back to his house.
***
“Feel like going for a run with the whole town?” Axel asked. He was leaning against the wall across from me. I had earbuds in and had been doing bicep curls, watching my form and not my surroundings, in the zone, and I hadn't realized he was so close until he'd spoken loud enough for me to hear him over Slipknot raging in my ears. Last time I'd seen him, he'd been working with metal and flame on the other side of the building. Now, he was standing before me, shirtless and sweaty, his pants dipping down in a way that made me want to forget about my biceps and try a different work-out.
I pulled out my earbuds. “The whole town? How many people is that?”
He shrugged. “Seventy-seven at last count. You make seventy-eight, but Krista and Jeremiah won't be going with us, and ten wolves will guard the town, so sixty-six will run.”
“I guess I could go,” I said, figuring I could just blend in with the crowd. “Is there anything I should know? Any one going to want to fight me or anything?”
He shook his head. “They'll be curious about you, but they won't have any interest in hurting you. I'll stick close.”
“Sounds fun.” I was living in Mule Creek, I might as well find out what it was all about. “Am I allowed to visit Krista?”
“Of course,” he said. “She can't leave the house, but she can have visitors. I'm sure she'd love to see you.”
“So, when do we leave for this run?”
“Everyone's gathering at the center of town now.”
I wasn't finished with my workout, but I could return to it later. I walked over to Axel, ready to follow him out of there, but he grabbed my waist and pulled me tight against him. He pressed his li
ps to mine and kissed me with such tenderness I was conflicted between melting into him and punching him. I couldn't handle him being sweet. I pulled back and glared at him. “What was that for?”
“Watching you work out gets me hard as shit.”
“Good to know.” I stepped out of his embrace. “Too bad we don't have time to do anything about it.”
He chuckled, way too amused by my refusal to help him out. That amusement set something dark and tight in me at ease every time. I'd given Axel plenty of reasons to lash out if he were a violent or possessive man, and he never had. He was a gentle soul in a wolf's body despite how gruff he could be, and I almost felt I could trust him.
He stopped me before I walked out of the building. “We need to shift now.”
“I'm going to meet the town for the first time as a wolf?”
He pulled me in tight against him and hugged me. “It sounds weird, but it's easier that way. After you've run with them, you'll feel like you've known them all your life when you see them in their human form.”
I pushed out of his arms, for the second time, because it felt way too comfy there. I pulled my shirt over my head and tossed off my bra, appreciating the way his eyes darkened at the sight of my naked breasts. I wished we did have more time to enjoy each other, naked. My willpower was shit when it came to him and sex. “I need to meet some people because I need a new place to live.”
He studied me with a lackadaisical grin. “Why bother? You know you'd be over here every night anyway.”
“What if I decide to see someone else?” I asked. “Didn't you say wolves have more open relationships than humans?”
His expression hardened the tiniest bit and his smile dropped to a firm line. “Some do. I don't. I won't with you. If you want to fuck someone else, you'll have to leave this pack first.”
What was I saying about him not being possessive? This felt different though. He wasn't trying to control me, he just didn't want to share. “And the same applies to you?”
“What?”
“You won't fuck anyone else in the pack while I'm here?”
“I won't fuck anyone else, period. Probably not ever again. You're it for me.”
I bit my lip to stop from smiling, because his sweet words were starting to get to me, starting to crack my tough shell. I pushed off my pants, so he wouldn't see my face. “Just as long as you remember I can't stand you. I'm only using you for your body.”
I straightened and stood before him, naked, watching the grin overwhelm his face. “Of course you are, sweetheart.”
He took a step forward, but I dropped to all fours and shifted before he could touch me. I raced toward the town center, but he caught up to me before I got there. I wasn't surprised. I had a feeling he'd always catch me.
I followed the scent of wolves and the sight of fur to the middle of town, not too far from where Jeremiah had bitten me. There was no fountain or statue or sign to identify the town center, but it was located right about the middle of Main Street. The wolves turned in an eerie unison toward us as we approached together. As soon as we'd reached them, they dropped their heads to their feet, a sort of lupine bowing. I started to lower my head, figuring it was the custom, but Axel pushed his snout under mine and lifted my head. Damn it, why hadn't I gotten more information from him before we'd started?
Axel howled and all the wolves stood and pranced in place with unbridled energy. The sun was setting behind them and it was a cool sight, their fur, all the conceivable shades from brown to red to gray, lit by the setting sun. I smiled and it seemed every wolfy head shifted slightly to stare at me. I looked to Axel and he was staring at me, too. He mimicked howling and I swear I could hear him telling me to howl. I lifted my snout and performed my best approximation of a howl. Even to my ears, it was pretty sad. Axel's chuckle rolled through my mind followed by one word, “Run.”
Axel took off and I followed without a thought, not because he'd used his alpha voice, but because the excitement and energy rolling off the pack had infected me and all I wanted to do was run with them. I matched pace with Axel and we led the way through the forest, the pack howling and yapping at our toes. It was the biggest adrenaline rush and the most breathless laugh session all rolled into one. If I was in human form and could laugh, my cheeks would be sore. Together, Axel and I ran full-speed up the mountain until we reached a field, larger than the one I'd run to the day before. He nipped my flank and I spun and landed on top of him, rolling him and digging my claws into his soft underbelly as the rest of the pack raced by us. In my mind, I could hear Axel's laughter. His wolf got the better of me and pinned me by my shoulders. “Just watch,” he said.
He released me and I stood shoulder to shoulder with him while we watched the pack race and play. Some wolves sat off to the side, watching like Axel and I were. Others approached each other cautiously, like teenagers at a school dance. The rest raced and leaped with abandon, from huge, scary-looking wolves to tiny pups. I wanted to play with them, I wanted to be close to them, to smell them, to know them. I looked to Axel and asked with my eyes and my mind for him to say it was okay.
The feeling of pride and joy that filled me threatened to overwhelm me. “Go,” I heard him say in my mind. So, I went. I raced out among the other wolves, chasing some, nipping and tumbling with others, sitting still with others when I got tired. I felt safe and at home, the same way I felt when I was with Shelly, only I felt that way with an entire town. My town. My pack.
When it was fully dark, we hunted. I helped take down a deer and then I actually helped eat it. It was delicious. Then, we all raced back down the mountain together and went our separate ways. I raced Axel back to his warehouse to get my clothes. We shifted together and he stopped me, there in the warehouse, lit only by the moon. He cupped my cheek with his hand and pressed a soft kiss to my lips. “You are amazing.”
I shrugged off the compliment, embarrassed. “That was fun. I mean…I didn't know what to expect, but wow…Just…wow. The running and…” I rambled on as I dressed, aware of Axel's eyes on me the entire time. “I'm starving. How about—”
He stopped me with a hand on my shoulder. “You belong to the pack now. There's an official ceremony we'll have once you decide you want to stay here, but your wolf accepted and has been accepted by the pack. You belong here. You are the starburst.”
“Yeah,” I said. “About that. I don't think it means what you told me it means.”
He flushed. “It's hard to explain. The starburst is usually the caretaker, the protector of the pack. That's also the alpha's job, but the alpha has so many other responsibilities…it's a lucky pack who has a wolf to take on the role of starburst.”
“And I'm your equal?”
“In every way,” he said, not seeming the least bit put out about that. “If you went to another pack, you could be alpha, but here…You are the starburst, I just know it the way I know the sun will rise tomorrow.” He ran a hand through his hair. “The starburst is often also the heart of the pack, the person members of the pack go to when they need comfort or advice the alpha can't offer for whatever reason. It's like…” He looked toward the ceiling. “You fill in the holes in the pack. You become whatever we need and you hold us together when the alpha can't.”
I shivered, overwhelmed. “I can handle that protector thing, but the rest of it…That doesn't sound like me at all.”
He shrugged. “Every wolf is different and every wolf takes on their role in the pack differently. You just be who you are and it will be exactly what the pack needs.”
That sounded like some crazy ass mumbo-jumbo, and I didn't share his confidence that I could succeed. I'd always been a loner, Shelly my only real family, my only real friend. Now I was supposed to be there for and protect almost a hundred people who could sprout fur and fangs?
He pulled on his t-shirt and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “Come on, there's a party at the barn.”
“Will there be food?”
He led me out of
the warehouse. “Does my dick get hard every time you walk into a room?”
“I—”
He stopped and put his finger to his lips. I didn't argue, because his entire body had tensed, the playfulness of the moment before gone. “Alpha,” he yelled. “What the hell are you doing on my property?”
“I'm here to talk.” A tall, skinny man, with a paunch clearly revealed by his white tank top and low-hanging, dirty jeans stepped out of the forest line and walked toward us, stopping when he was ten feet away. “We need to talk.”
“We've talked,” Axel said. “It's done.”
“It's not done,” Alpha said. “And you know it. You were given this territory by the council, and you've done nothing to earn it, nothing to hold your place here.”
“We've earned it by holding on to it.”
Alpha snorted. “By staving off attackers with tranq guns? You might as well go the rest of the way human and move into the city with your champion, Darius.”
Axel stiffened like the man had insulted him. “We are as much wolf as you and your pack, Alpha. We just choose not to use violence to prove it.”
“We have no choice, man. My pack is being besieged by the nightwalkers and they want a safer territory. You've chosen not to help us fight, so you're going to have to defend your place with that violence you hate, or you're going to lose it.”
Alpha slid back into the shadows of the forest and Axel watched him go, his whole body tense.
“What was that about?” I asked.
Axel shook his head. “Philosophical differences. Come on, let's get to that party.”
I didn't move when he tried to pull me forward. “That seemed like more than a difference of opinion.”
He sighed. “I've only been alpha of this pack for six years, and Alpha was the alpha before me. Aspens Whiten pack gets caught up in drama and fights of their own making. The vampires are harrying them because they harry the vampires. This time, though, they've gone too far and the vampires are looking for some serious payback. They want to hide here, but I'm not putting my pack at risk. So Alpha's pack, the Aspens Whiten pack, want to fight. They say I don't deserve this territory and they want to force me to defend it to prove I'm weak.”
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