Going Under

by Lauren Dane

  “Don’t have the right? What does that mean?”

  “It means, Gage, that until you have the emotional maturity to just admit you love me and that we’re in a relationship together, there’s just no more of this friends with sex nonsense cover story. I’m not your mother; I can’t make it easier for you to avoid being emotionally mature. If you don’t want me enough to just admit you’re being a jealous ass about Tosh because you love me and want me to come to you first, this is just a fucking lie.”

  “Why are you pushing this? Guys run from this sort relationship pressure from women.”

  “I’m not saying you have to marry me, so stop being such a whiner. I’m saying we’re friends. If you want to know where a great place to get tacos is in Chicago, give me a call. I have a bodyguard. Faine is just fine to protect me. I don’t need another bodyguard, I need a man. My man. And if you can’t be honest with yourself and with me enough to be that man, then I’m done with this game. I can’t play anymore. It hurts too much and I have too much to do to have it always be between us.”

  She took a deep breath and he wished with all his might that she would stop speaking right then and there.

  “I have a job to do. With or without your support. You know how much I value the support you’ve given me since the start. But if you can’t admit your feelings, especially to save mine, I have to take a step away.”

  “You’re right.” He stood, gathering his things up. Inside his head, his brain screamed at him to stop. To not say another word unless it included an apology and a confession of how he felt.

  But he didn’t listen.

  “We need to break things off. I can’t give you what you need. I’ll talk with Faine so that he knows I’m not here tonight. Good luck with your speech tomorrow.” He left, slamming the door.

  She stared at the closed door, tears coming to her eyes before she could lecture herself to stop crying. She hadn’t expected him to break up with her. But in the end, she couldn’t pretend to not be in love with him. Couldn’t pretend they weren’t a couple when everyone else knew exactly that except his dumb brain.

  She managed to pick up all the things that had fallen when she’d slammed her fist against the table and then she used all her emotions to write the most difficult speech she’d ever given.

  Chapter 30

  HE stormed back downstairs, wanting to head to Heart of Darkness to find a woman to fuck Molly Ryan from his brain. But there was no Heart of Darkness. It was under construction after the bomb. And he didn’t want anyone else in his bed.

  So he headed to Nell’s.

  And found his friend with a baby strapped to her chest, a husband making spaghetti and a genuine smile at the sight of him.

  “Gage! Come in.”

  Libby, their daughter, kicked and grinned, holding her arms out. Gage took the invitation and swooped her into his arms, dropping kisses all over her face as she giggled.

  “Hello, beautiful baby girl. How are you?”

  She grabbed his nose and then tugged on his beard.

  “Nice to see some testosterone around here for a change,” William, Nell’s husband, said. “Stay for dinner, there’s plenty.”

  “I think I’ll take you up on that offer, thank you.”

  “Good. Now you can tell me why you have that look.” Nell settled on the couch as Gage walked back and forth across the living room with the baby, patting her bottom gently.

  “You’re criminally good with babies. We should hire you as a nanny. She’s been grumpy today.”

  “Everyone gets a grumpy day, Mom.”

  “Hm. How’s Molly?”

  He’d told her about Molly of course, but he was quite sure Meriel, who was also very close to Nell, had shared some as well.

  “I just broke up with her.”

  “You did what? Why?”

  “This job. Now. Everything is upside down. Every day we get death threats. Every event I take her to is full of protesters and people who want to harm her. People who want to harm Meriel. People who want to harm Dominic and the rest of the Full Council. The job used to be about dealing with problem witches and people who stole from the Font. Now it’s dealing with loonies and kooks. Only they’re elected officials and cops and stuff. With sniper rifles and bombs.”

  “You feel overwhelmed?”

  “To say the least. Overwhelmed. Underqualified. I can’t protect them all. Edwina was killed. Molly broke bones. You should see how she gets. You’d never know it when she’s in the public eye, but once she gets behind closed doors, it takes a toll. She’s afraid. The stakes are high. I can’t be with her all the time and even when I am, well, I can’t stop bombs, or a sniper’s bullet.”

  “And you broke up with her for that?”

  “She told me she loved me. She wanted me to say the same.”

  “And you’re going to stand there holding my baby and lie, saying you don’t love her? Because in all the years I’ve known you, Gage, you’ve never once talked about a woman the way you talk about her. You admire her. You respect her. She doesn’t take your crap. She’s your match on every level. You’ve never been a mimbo, so what, you’re commitment-phobic now? Really? Is that a new thing? If so, it doesn’t fit you.”

  Leave it to Nell to just say it like it was.

  “I can’t protect her. I can’t make a commitment to her or anyone else because I can’t protect her. It’s my job and I can’t do it.”

  She took a deep breath and watched him as he laid Libby down in her bassinet and set it to rock.

  “I can’t even believe you. We’ve been trying to get her down for three hours.” William handed him a beer and went back into the kitchen. “Look, dude, until the second I met Nell I was a guy who never had any intention whatsoever of getting serious about a woman. I was, as my lovely wife puts it, a mimbo commitment-phobe. You’re not that guy. You’re a forever sort of dude.”

  “You can’t protect her. Not totally.” Nell joined them at the island in the kitchen. “Your job. Hell, her job too, is inherently dangerous. Especially right now and probably for the foreseeable future. You could walk out the door right now and get killed. She could get electrocuted or get into a car accident, or you know, one of these PURITY thugs could succeed and assassinate her. You cannot control everything.

  “You’re damned good at your job, Gage. You’re a crack shot, your magick is kick-ass, you’re physically strong and fast and your magick, like mine, like everyone else’s from what I keep hearing, is only growing more powerful. And yet, none of us, not even the strongest of us like Meriel, can stop death when it’s time. That’s just how it works.

  “There is no way to avoid what is meant to happen and so pretending you can control it will only lead to unhappiness.”

  William pushed a plate of spaghetti in front of him and the three of them ate for a time, talking about nothing more serious than babies.

  He was getting antsy knowing she was alone back at the hotel and so he kissed Nell, thanking her for her advice, and went to the door.

  “Gage, before today were you unhappy with Molly?”

  Far from it. She brought him so much. More than he’d ever thought any other person could ever bring to him.

  “No. But I’d sure as hell be unhappy if she died on my watch.”

  “Yeah? Well, you’d be even more unhappy if she died and you were broken up with her. So what does that prove? What does breaking up with a woman you’re in love with do? Your problem, fear of losing this amazing thing, is about fear. You don’t know what love really is until the thought of losing it fills you with so much fear you can’t breathe. You already love her. She’ll go when she’s supposed to go. Being apart doesn’t remove your fear, or your love. But you’re both brokenhearted. So why the heck are you still here instead of groveling and getting her back?”

  That was a good question. Ever since he’d walked out the door of her hotel room he’d been really sad. There was a hole in his belly where their connection belonged.


  Even when he was annoyed with her, that connection burned between them, filling him, grounding him.

  She was his woman, as most assuredly he was her man. Damn it. The question was, could he get past that fear and grab on or should he let go totally and let her find love elsewhere?

  Chapter 31

  MOLLY only hoped he slept worse than she did.

  She woke up and rolled from bed, where she’d been alone for the first time in over a month. That had sucked and she hoped he was miserable because she sure had been.

  Then again, she’d taken all that energy and written a great speech. So there.

  She made herself a good breakfast and drank her coffee. She’d gotten used to having him around as she prepared. Bouncing ideas off him, having him listen to speeches and give her suggestions on how to improve.

  She loved him. More than anyone she’d ever felt for in her whole life and she trusted that to get her through. Only it hadn’t and he’d broken up with her. Chuck that in the failure file. Which pissed her off anew. He added something else to her failure list.

  That sucked.

  Luckily the mad burned away the heartache for the time being and when Faine arrived to escort her to the convoy of cars they’d drive down to the capitol for the press conference, she was less heartbroken and more pissed off. She’d take that.

  Gage wasn’t in her car and she didn’t know if he was in any of the others either. She wanted to ask Faine but then decided she shouldn’t care. But she did. So then she decided that if she asked she’d look sad and desperate, which did the trick.

  She made calls and took notes and got about her day, pretending it was just another public-speaking gig. Until they got to Olympia and the roads were crazy backed up. There were dueling protests between the pro–civil rights groups and PURITY.

  “Oh nice. God hates werewolves. Who knew God had time for such things?”

  Faine laughed. “Imagine if they took their energy and channeled it into something positive. They could change the world for the better. Bitterness is a waste of time.” He looked at her carefully. “As is regret.”

  “I know. But you can’t make someone love you. Not these people, not anyone.”

  Faine squeezed her good hand. “It’s going to be fine. I know this.”

  “Let’s hope so. I’ll settle for getting trough this without getting bombed or shot.”

  * * *

  MOLLY approached the microphone and tried to swallow back her nervousness. All around her she had bodyguards, reminding her of why she was there. She’d had to wear a cape because her cast wouldn’t fit into the sleeve of her coat. A cape like a superhero. Or so she told herself.

  Off to the side she caught the golden-blond hair and knew he was there. She felt better and then wanted to punch him for making her so damned . . . dependent? Reliant? Addicted to his presence. Whatever. He was a poop head and she had to get through this so she could make him pay for breaking her heart like a dumbass.

  “Ladies and gentleman, I’m Molly Ryan and today I’m speaking on behalf of the witches all across the United States, be they clan or coven, as well as the Council of Others representing shifters and vampires. If you’ll give me your silence while I speak, I’ll open it up for questions once I finish.

  “‘I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides.’ That’s a quote from a great man, Elie Wiesel. And today it’s more apropos than it’s ever been in my lifetime. Four months ago, at the end of last year, a being manifested itself in this world. We know this being to be called the Magister. Humans have their boogeyman story to scare their kids into compliance on one thing or another. Others had theirs too, the Magister. Only our boogeyman was real and though it did not harm humans, thousands of Others simply turned into dust the day Clan Owen fought it and shoved it from this world.

  “We lost so many that day. Without any notice for most of us. Countless brothers, sisters, friends, husbands, wives, children. And we barely had the chance to get used to the fact that these people were gone from our lives when humans, most of them scared, began to react to our presence, which we could no longer hide from human eyes.

  “Since that day, we have been persecuted. We have been assaulted, murdered, attacked. We’ve had our homes burned down and vandalized. We’ve been fired from our jobs and kicked out of our homes. In some jurisdictions the police will no longer respond to our emergency calls and when there was a riot in our neighborhood in Indiana, when our peaceful gathering place was overrun with humans with guns and knives, who attacked the Others inside, when that spilled onto the streets and those humans set blocks of homes and businesses on fire, the police blocked fire trucks from going in to help.

  “It was only Others who were arrested that day. Though we have surveillance video to prove our side of the story, that proof has been ignored until the Justice Department stepped in and made the locals obey the laws of this country and provide due process to its own citizens. Cars have been run off the road, including right here in Washington when the Borache family was assaulted. Both parents are now dead along with one of their children. Only one survives to face a world where no one seems to want to do anything to protect her.

  “Then last week, bombs went off across the globe, all targeted at Others. I was caught up in that attack in Washington, D.C., as I was attempting to testify on a bill that will strip Others of their citizenship, implant us with GPS chips, forcibly sterilize us and put us in camps. Does that sound familiar to anyone? It should to anyone who took a history class in high school and studied World War Two.”

  A few people started to heckle and she used her magick to shut them up. The first time she’d ever really done that with such force and intent. And she let them know she did it.

  “As I was saying. We have been there and we have done that. We have been burned at the stake. We have been drowned. We have been hunted with silver ammunition and left to die in traps lined with silver. We have been through your crusades, your Reconqueista, your Inquisition and your purges.

  “We will not be your victims again.”

  She stood there, letting her words sink in.

  “There will be no stripping us of our citizenship. We will not allow you to harm our children anymore. We will not march peacefully into your concentration camps. We will not let you chip us and track us and we sure as hell won’t allow you to sterilize us. We will defend our property. We will defend our homes and our jobs and we will defend our persons. And what’s more? We can.

  “We’ve been patient with humans because we understand there is fear of us and what we are. We have offered to educate you. We have waited for your voices to overcome those voices of hatred and violence. I grew up in the human world. My mother is human, my grandparents are human. I know there are good men and women who disagree with what has been done in your names. But I need you to speak up because we aren’t going to be victimized while we wait.

  “There will be no pogroms. No purges. No marches into camps. If you try, you will meet resistance. And you will understand, far too late, that we have always had this power and lived peaceably with you while you have brought this war onto yourselves. We are not weak. We are not defenseless. We are strong and we are united. And we are fed up.

  “I say this not to scare you. Not to start a war. But so that you understand we are not playing around. We prefer peace and diplomacy. You don’t have to like us, but you don’t get to kill us, not without risking getting killed right back. We are not your victims and we will prove that point if you make us.”

  She let go of the spell she’d been using to keep the hecklers quiet and the entire crowd erupted. Some with cheers, some with questions, some with tears and some with angry words.

  “What is it you expect us to do now?” a local lawmaker asked.

  “We expect you to leave us alone. We expect to enjoy the same rights and privileges as citizens that we have now. And we expect to carry out th
e responsibilities we have always carried out. We want to pay our taxes and complain like everyone else. We want to go to our kids’ baseball games and track meets. We’ve tried to say all this over the last months. And you’ve ignored us. None of this would have been necessary had we not been backed into a corner.”

  “I should shoot you in the head right now! See just how powerful you are. You scum dare to threaten humans?” One of the PURITY people screamed.

  She stared at him, hoping her face didn’t betray the pounding of her heart. She knew there were shifters all through the crowd, witches with spells at the ready. Knew too that she had her own skills. But staring someone in the face who just proclaimed he wanted to shoot her was still shocking.

  “I do dare, yes. Because you broke my arm, my leg and a rib. Because your hatred has killed children. Because you are a cancer in this country and we will no longer tolerate your threats. Do not come at us expecting us to turn the other cheek. We’ve turned it and you’ve bombed us. You’ve been warned.”

  Shoving broke out. One human pushed the one who’d just threatened to shoot her and the PURITY people waded in, fists at the ready.

  “Will you create your own military like the humans have?” A reporter asked over the rising din.

  They already had them, but there had been discussion of such a thing. Not that humans needed to know. The world had really split into an us versus them dichotomy and it hurt her heart. But it didn’t make it any less true.

  “We want to be safe. If the local police can’t make that happen, we’ll protect ourselves. We’re not setting out to create a military of Others.”

  A woman off to the side nearly lost her feet when one of the PURITY thugs grabbed the pro-Others sign she carried.

  “Stop! Someone is going to really get hurt.” But no one heard as the shoving got worse.

  Gage appeared at her side, speaking in her ear. “We’ve got to get you out of here, Molly. There’s going to be a riot soon.”