Your Goose Is Cooked (A LaTisha Barnhart Mystery)

by S. Dionne Moore

  Heat started rolling between us and I flung back the covers, all the while considering William’s written vague description of the hit man-for-hire. “Who in Maple Gap is going to do anything but dream of knocking off Mayor Taser?”

  “Eugene’s not so bad. His wife, now . . . her I can see raising a few eyebrows.”

  A few eyebrows was putting it kindly. Betsy Taser knew how to rankle people, especially other women. I wondered how she got along with Flossie Monroe, Carl’s ex. Wouldn’t surprise me one bit if Betsy had been the one to encourage Flossie to divorce Carl so she could have a turn with the man. “You think she’s had it with Eugene?”

  “Could be.”

  From the sound of Hardy’s voice, I could tell he was almost out. “I’m not at all sure it’s a good idea to keep this from the chief.”

  “You think I don’t know that?”

  Hardy’s lips poofed out on an exhale. I nudged him. “If anyone comes into the restaurant that looks like he could be the guy, be sure to say something.”

  “I’ll come running. Need someone to protect me.”

  I decided to slide in one more burning question. “What’d you call Bryton for?”

  His words were a mumbled mess I couldn’t figure out. After a few minutes, his breathing evened out and I knew he was gone. I ran my hand down his cheek where the moonlight hugged his dark skin. I sorely hoped bringing William into our home didn’t put us all in danger.

  Chapter Four

  Hardy managed to mess up while taking two orders during the breakfast rush. Since breakfast was the easiest meal for me and Hardy to handle, I had told William not to come in until time to prepare for lunch.

  “He’s allergic to orange juice,” I reminded Hardy as he returned with the OJ he’d slid in front of Shiny Portly, owner of Big Sky Grocery. “Throw it out and get the milk.”

  “How do you know he wanted milk?”

  I tapped my head. “Got it all up here safe and sound.”

  “Is that why you had to ask me where your shoes were this morning?”

  I glared at him.

  He saluted me with the orange juice, then threw back his head and gulped it down. A sleeve across his mouth served as a napkin. “No use letting it go to waste. He hadn’t even touched it.”

  “If you’d do that to the dirty plates, I wouldn’t need a garbage disposal.”

  He ran his hands down his sides and smirked. “Don’t want to lose my slim figure.”

  As if he’d gained more than five pounds in all the years we’d been married.

  The electric bell alerted us to another customer. Chief Chad Conrad sidled up to the bar area and perched on one of the high-backed stools. No suspended vinyl-covered stools for this restaurant. When Hardy and I redecorated, we’d done away with booths and put in tables and five bar stools to surround the curved counter.

  “Good morning, LaTisha. Hardy. What are you two stirring up this morning?”

  “Special of the day is grits, with grain waffles and fresh blueberries on top,” I slid a menu to him. “Got pomegranate juice if you want something other than your usual.”

  I turned over the coffee cup in front of the chief and poured some of the Lisa’s Winter Wonderland–flavored coffee my patrons loved so much, reminding me that I needed to order more from the coffee store I’d found online. Chief inhaled the brew and reached for the sugar.

  “She working you hard, Hardy?”

  “You don’t know the half of it.” Hardy picked up a clean glass by the bottom and flicked his wrist, sending the glass into the air. It landed upright in the palm of his hand, ready to be filled with the milk Shiny was waiting on. I rolled my eyes.

  “Neat trick,” Chief observed.

  Hardy beamed. “Talent just oozes from my pores.”

  “It’s blood gonna be oozing from your head if you don’t get that milk over to table three.”

  Hardy put the glass of milk on top of his tray and paused, leaning close to the chief, his voice raised so I could hear every word. “Spousal abuse, pure and simple.”

  I snorted. “Spousal abuse of the pure and simple, is more like it.” I flicked my hand at table five where Dr. Cryer had taken a seat. “Get that to the table before I fire you.”

  Hardy shuffled off, his smile fixed, gold tooth flashing. Which reminded me he had an appointment with Dr. Cryer this afternoon. Dentures.

  “How many times you fired him so far?” Chief spooned sugar into his coffee and stirred.

  “Too many to count. He sure swims in the vinegar, doesn’t he?”

  Chief made a strange sound in his throat and put his coffee cup down so fast it splashed. I handed him a paper napkin that he choked into for a full minute before a laugh popped out of his throat. “You’ve got a way with words, LaTisha. And I dare say Hardy’s not the only feisty one at your house.”

  My house. William. I wondered if Chief already knew about William moving in with us, or about the hit man. My guilty conscience was burning a hole in my head. Telling Chief would be betraying William, but Hardy was right, it sure felt wrong not telling him. I had a different method. “William told me he saw a new face in town yesterday.”

  “Told you?”

  He’s a sharp guy. “Scribbled it to me in a note. Whatever.”

  Chief cracked open the menu, his eyes flicking back and forth over the selections. “Old or young?”

  “Younger.” A guess, but what else did I have to go on? William would have noticed gray hair. Wouldn’t he? I picked up a glass and pressed it against the ice dispenser, then filled it with Dr. Cryer’s favorite raspberry tea.

  He snapped his menu shut. “I’m not in the mood for breakfast. I’ll take the Maple Gap.”

  “That be on white, wheat, grain, or a wrap? Toasted or no?”

  “Wheat. Toasted. Leave off the onions, but load me up with pepper relish.”

  My special pepper relish had the whole town forgetting all about needing slimy mayonnaise and high-sodium ketchup. I’d started growing the peppers in Hardy’s greenhouse, then chopped and stirred around different types of peppers until I was satisfied with the flavor and consistency of the relish. When I introduced it to the folks of Maple Gap as a condiment for the Maple Gap club sandwich, I’d run clean out of relish that first day. So I began to can the stuff. Hardy grumbled the whole time about having to wear rubber gloves and pick out the pepper seeds. Now that I think on it, maybe I could sell the relish online and raise money for our school. That would certainly show Lester Riley a thing or two.

  I scribbled Chief’s order on my pad of paper, ripped it off, and snapped it on the circular rack we used to hold orders, considering the problem of keeping up with the demand for the pepper relish and selling it for profit, watching as Hardy’s hand—all I could see from my angle—yanked the paper off the rack.

  Hardy popped out of the kitchen and slipped two more orders onto the ring. “Almost forgot to put them up there.”

  “Why didn’t you just put them on from back there? You had them with you.”

  “Didn’t want to mess up the system.”

  “You’re falling behind.”

  Hardy stroked his jaw. “Just don’t have your way with the scraper thingie.”

  “It’s called a spatula.”

  “See, I don’t even know the names of things.”

  This man. I decided I’d fill those orders myself and was about to disappear through the swinging doors to the kitchen when Hardy snatched up two glasses at once, doing his little flip-trick. He was showing off. “Take that tea to Dr. Cryer while I work on these orders.” He nodded and filled one glass with OJ and the other with milk, I locked in on the cocky grin splitting his face.

  “Chief Conrad,” his voice boomed, and that in itself let me know I was hot on his trail because Hardy’s not a loud sort . . . unless he’s up to no good.

  I lasered down the length of him, radar on, and detected that I-know-something-you-don’t glint.

  He got real close to the chief.
“Seems our longtime buddies have had a falling out. I was asking Carl Baereum about the mayoral race, expecting him to take up for his good buddy Mayor Taser. Instead he got hot. Said he was done with the likes of Eugene Taser, that Maple Gap would be better off if Mayor Taser was a cold body in a wood coffin.”

  Chapter Five

  Hardy’s news made me perk up a mite too much. I felt Chief Conrad’s eyes hard on me.

  “Something wrong, LaTisha?”

  I immediately pulled some napkins from the dispenser and fanned myself. “Powerful hot in here.” Was, too, probably more because my conscience was heating up. “You wanting to know about hot flashes? They come on a body real fast-like and squeeze all the moisture out.”

  Chief’s head swiveled to Hardy, looking a little lost at the swing in topic.

  Hardy had that look on his face that questioned my sanity. “Only hot flash you’ve ever had was that time you testified in church about burning your ni—”

  “You hush.”

  Hardy raised his eyebrows at Chief Conrad, who did his best to cover a smile.

  And this is the downside of small-town living. Everyone in Maple Gap had heard that testimony and remembered how I stuttered to cover my slip of the tongue. “I meant baby bottle nipples and you know it!”

  Hardy slapped his leg and bent double. I felt the heat climbing up my neck, setting my face on fire all over again.

  “Thought Pastor Haudaire was going to have a stroke,” Hardy grunted out the words.

  Chief hid behind his cup of coffee; it looked more like he was trying to bury his face in the mug.

  “What’s going on over there?” someone yelled from the dining room. Sounded like Dr. Cryer’s voice.

  “Nothing to worry your head about,” I hollered back. Every eye in the place was on us now.

  Hardy straightened long enough to catch a breath and wheeze out, “Remember LaTisha’s testimony at church?” He bent back double and kept right on guffawing like a hyena.

  “Oh!” I heard Dr. Cryer let out his own cackle. Before I knew it, there was a chorus of laughter behind me. I wasn’t about to turn around. I decided, instead, to squelch the fire of Hardy’s fun and hope all the little fires would drop to a smolder.

  “You have an appointment with Dr. Cryer in thirty minutes.”

  He kept right on laughing.

  “He’s gonna be pulling that last tooth out.”

  His laughs faded to a strange cackling giggle.

  “He told me his assistant would be out and for me to wear rubber gloves and bring my best pliers so I’d have me a good grip.”

  Hardy choked out one last laugh, then went ramrod straight. His cocoa eyes rolled to me. “You told him to put me out, didn’t you?”

  I raised my brows. “If you don’t stop laughing at me, he won’t need to put you out, I’ll do it myself. For free. Then I’ll yank that tooth.”

  I could see the bulge of Hardy’s tongue as it ran over his gold front tooth. “Can I use this tooth in the dentures?”

  Don’t ask me what he loved so much about that gold tooth. “How am I supposed to know? The whole set should be dipped in gold. Cost enough. Now get those drinks delivered and get to cooking before I put you in the deep fryer.”

  Hardy held up his hand to admire his dark chocolate skin tone. “I’m already grilled well done.”

  Chief Conrad let out another laugh at that, while Hardy whisked up the tray of drinks. Chief finally stopped kissing his mug, though I saw the smirk tug hard on his lips. “So, LaTisha, what was this about a new face in town?” He took a hard slurp of coffee.

  I was feeling mighty ornery, I can tell you that. “That’s for me to know and you to find out.” I crossed my arms and gave him a mulish stare.

  “We have someone new in town?” Dr. Cryer asked as he approached the counter, tea glass in hand. “You get the chance, recommend me as the town dentist, won’t you, LaTisha?” The man didn’t miss one beat as he slid onto the stool next to the Chief. He raised his voice for Hardy’s benefit as that one disappeared into the kitchen. “I’ve got a nice new set of teeth for you, Hardy. As soon as we get that last tooth out we’ll try them on.”

  “Can’t wait,” came Hardy’s mumbled reply.

  Dr. Cryer leaned forward and slapped a fiver onto the counter. “That’s for Hardy. He makes a great waiter.”

  Hardy rang the bell to let me know Chief’s sandwich was ready. The Maple Gap looked mighty good. The pepper relish dripped off one corner, a pretty red against the turkey and ham piled high.

  “You’ll be breathing fire with all that,” I cautioned as I slid the plate in front of Chief Conrad.

  His eyes were already glued to the platter. “I love hot food. Regina’s always mixing up salsa, trying to get just the right amount of heat.”

  “How’s she doing? I haven’t seen her in a while.” Regina Rogane-Conrad, newly married, or at least the most newly married woman we had in Maple Gap, ran Wig-Out, the hair salon. “She heard any good gossip?”

  “Things have quieted some since Eugene announced his plans on the landfill. Shame. That’s good ground out there.”

  It truly was good ground and right beside the school, making me wish they could hang on to the property, but money was tight.

  Chief munched the huge bite he’d taken. “Besides, I don’t put much into all those ladies chatting around, Regina’ll tell you that.”

  I had to snicker. “Do you good to be listening. No one knows people like women know people.”

  “Meaning men aren’t as tuned in?”

  “You’re tracking with me. Gossip might be wrong, but there is usually some level of truth mixed in, or mixed up, depending on how you look at it. If you can figure out the personality of the person spilling the gossip, then you’ll know how much is truth and how much is made up.”

  Chief picked up his sandwich for another bit. “I’m listening.”

  “If you’ve got someone who has low self-esteem, like my Lela had for a while there in her teen years, then you can guarantee whatever gossip they drop is going to be riddled with a little spice because they want people to think they know more than they truly do.”

  “To make themselves feel important.”

  “Regina, now, she’s a lot like my Shayna, got herself a good head. Not low in the self-esteem department. Shayna says things straight out. Never had time for anyone who didn’t tell the truth. Regina’s like that, and having listened to women’s lips all these years, she’ll be your inside track to what is more truth and what’s fairytale.”

  Chief cocked his head sideways. “You not only majored in police science, but you’re getting your degree in basic humanity.”

  “Honey, I’ve got my doctorate in that. If anything’s taught me to tune in to people, it’s those seven babies of Hardy’s and mine.”

  Chief took a swig of coffee, dabbed his mouth, and narrowed his eyes. “So this little speech, LaTisha. Is there something you’ve caught wind of that you’re trying to figure out? Or is this type of information just free to the poor, uninformed male masses?”

  “Free information.”

  When he took a bite of his sandwich, I decided to make my escape to the kitchen before he dug too deep and I buried myself. On my return trip from the dining room to deliver some plates, Chief snagged me into another conversation.

  “You know, LaTisha, with all those new people in town, it’s not so strange that William saw someone he didn’t recognize. Right?”

  Chief was messing with me. His slow words and that final question bled me dry of courage. I struggled not to blurt out everything I knew and grovel at his feet for forgiveness, which is not like me. I don’t grovel. Ever. Too hard on the knees. But my too-quick promise to William, and the haunting idea that Mayor Taser’s death could well be on my head, had me spinning some big circles. “You finish up that sandwich and get. Go find yourself a criminal to lock up.”

  Chief lifted his sandwich in salute and made short work of the last bi
te. I watched him chew. Swallow. “You going to join the force?”

  That was a good one. “When the department starts getting some decent money. If I joined, it would short change Mac and Nelson. I don’t think you can afford to do that even if Nelson’s gone part time.”

  “We’ve talked about moving to the attorney’s office and letting them have our side.”

  The attorney’s offices shared the same two-story brick building as the police station, but the police station took up two-thirds, the rest being the attorney’s side. “Harvey does a lot of work in Denver, he can probably afford the bigger side.”

  “Order up!” Hardy barked behind me.

  And with that, I snapped back to the job of delivering orders. I slipped plates onto my tray, eyeing the quality of the food, satisfied at what I was seeing.

  Chief got up and slipped some money under the rim of his plate. He caught me looking, with a definite twinkle in his eyes. “I’ll be sure to keep look out for any unsavory strangers in town.”

  Chapter Six

  When William showed up and took over, I made a quick exit, dragging Hardy down Gold Street toward Dr. Cryer’s office. It was like pulling a recalcitrant mule. Sasha smiled at us through the window of her boutique as she dressed her mannequin in another one of her creations.

  “Pick up your feet.”

  Hardy’s eyes rolled around in his head like he’d drop over. I kept tugging anyhow. We’d crossed the street and were closing in on the school when I’d had enough.

  “You best get those feet stepping real quick-like, Hardy Barnhart.”

  “I want to keep my tooth.”

  “We’ll stuff and mount it for you. Now get on with you before I pick you up and carry you down this here street for all to see.” Not hard, since I outweighed him, even after twenty-five pounds.

  “Just because you got your degree in police science doesn’t mean you have a right to abuse citizens. I’m not disturbing the peace.”

  “You’re disturbing my peace.” I exhaled, long and hard, and gave a pull. Hardy came rocketing toward me. In a fast movement, I crouched and locked my arms around his knees and that’s when it happened. My pantyhose ripped out. I felt the give from one cheek to another, and I’m not talking eyeballs, nose, mouth, cheeks. I straightened real fast. Hardy stared up at me, eyebrows hiked high.