For the Love of Alex

by J. E. Hopkins

  Leah knew all too well about these drugs. They were common in college and even more common with Alex’s circle of addicts. Every now and again he would experiment with one of these drugs when he did not have the means to get his favorite, heroin. The effects were just as damaging.

  She remembered the night she first discovered Alex had taken salvia. She found him on the roof of their apartment building. They had often gone up there for picnics and dances in the moonlight, but this was no such loving occasion. They had a terrible argument that night. He had accused her of having an affair with her photojournalism professor, which was absurd. He was so irrational, frighteningly so at times, that all she wanted was to be far away from his madness.

  That fight left them both so raw and aching. Leah told him she was leaving him and his self-destruction behind. It nearly killed her to say those words, but she had no choice. He was out of control and falling apart. He was going to take her down with him if she let him but she decided that night she was done.

  He stormed out of the apartment looking tortured, but she refused to chase after him. She just went to the bedroom and packed a bag. She heard a frantic knock at the door a few minutes later. She assumed it was Alex, so she went to let him in, but it was her neighbor screaming that Alex was on the roof and he looked like he was going to jump. Leah told her to call the police, and then she fled the apartment and headed to the roof. Panicked, she raced up the stairs, nearly exhausting herself from running so fast, but she had to get to him and stop him from doing something that would kill them both.

  She found him teetering on the ledge. All it would take was one slight movement and he would fall over the edge. Their building only had six levels, but it was still far enough for him to break his neck. She called out to him, but he yelled at her to leave him alone. “You left me,” he cried. “You broke your promise, just like everyone else in my life. You’re just like all the rest.”

  Leah had never felt a fear so bone wrenchingly deep as she did that night. If she didn’t say the right thing, if she couldn’t find the words to reach him, she would lose him forever. He was so perilously close to falling and his mind was so unstable that reasoning with him was virtually impossible.

  She slowly approached him, struggling to find the right words. One wrong word and he would jump. She knew he would. Alex had this scary obsession with death. He had threatened suicide before, but he had promised to stay alive for her. And now he might die if she couldn’t find the words to keep him alive. She knew she couldn’t live with that guilt. She cursed him for putting this pressure on her. For forcing her to be his savior or his condemner.

  “Alex, please come down from there. “ He stumbled and her heart lurched, but miraculously he found his balance. Leah heard the sirens approaching and she prayed theywould get here in time in case she failed. “I’m not leaving you, Alex, so don’t you leave me. We can fix this. We always do, but if you go now, there’s no hope for us and you will destroy us.”

  “I want to fly, Leah. I want to fly away, soaring through the sky like a mighty eagle. I want to spread my wings and see the stars and the moon. I want to be free, Leah. I want to escape the dark clouds and seek the light.” He looked like a child in that moment, with a boyish innocence and curiosity. His tousled blond hair blowing in the wind. His eyes full of hope.

  He continued talking about flying, but he wasn’t making much sense. It was like he was in a world of his own, but Leah tried to get him back to reality with her, otherwise he would be lost forever.

  She took a few more steps towards him. She was so close that if she reached out she could touch his hand, but she was afraid to make such a gesture. It might startle him in his current confused mental state.

  “They ruined me, Leah,” he spoke, no longer seemingly lost in his fantasy of flying. His stricken face shredded her heart. “They messed up my head. I’m not okay anymore. Maybe I never was. I should jump and save you, Leah. If I stay, one day we’ll both fall.”

  Leah stretched out her hand, waiting for his. He intertwined their fingers and she felt some relief, but she knew he was still in a dangerous position and this nightmare was far from over.

  “I’d rather fall with you, Alex, than to have you leave me behind.” It scared Leah how much she meant those words at that moment. Crazy as they were, they were also very true. She couldn’t imagine life without his love—even as destructive as it was, it was better than emptiness.

  “You want to fly with me, my Leah?” he asked, sending a shiver of panic in her. With their hands entwined, he could easily pull her over the ledge with him. Was he so far gone that he would kill them both, she wondered?

  “Love me, Alex. Love me enough to fight through this darkness within you. Love me enough to stay with me. Stay here with me, Alex. Let’s go to our home. That’s where we belong.”

  He clutched her hand tighter and then jumped. For a moment, she thought he was going over the roof, pulling her with him, but then she realized he was jumping towards her this time, to the safety of the roof surface. They held each other for a moment, and then the police burst through the roof door along with an EMT.

  Alex was taken to the hospital and stayed overnight until a psychiatrist cleared him. They found traces of salvia in his system along with other hallucinogenic drugs. His mind was in such an altered state that the doctors were surprised he didn’t kill himself. They commended Leah for saving him, but their words barely registered in her mind. She sat there trembling, remembering how close they both were to death that night. She couldn’t help but wonder if Alex would have been willing to kill them both that night.

  She asked him about that night the next day, but he had no recollection of any of it. He didn’t even remember the fight they had. It was like it never happened in his mind—but, in Leah’s mind, she would forever be scarred from the memories of that night.

  As Leah sat in front of her computer staring at her article, she acknowledged ruefully that these painful memories were far from over. They still filled her mind, and she often found herself reliving every detail of those horrid moments and imagining how worse things could have been—how much worse they could still be.

  Writing these articles was cathartic for her. It was her therapy. A chance for her to heal herself while helping others. She knew it might seem selfish, but this was saving her. Writing helped her see how much self-healing she needed. She was mentally and physically weary. Too many dark memories haunted her days and nights.

  These stories left her feeling raw and exposed, but they also forced her to think about her own behavior and the way she handled this situation with Alex. Sometimes she wondered if Rose was right. Was she the one destroying Alex? Was she his drug? Because there was no doubt in her mind that he was hers. She too was an addict, but her drug of choice was codependency.

  II

  “Great job with the article.” Marcus pulled up a seat next to Leah’s, a big smile brightening his face. “I’m embarrassed to admit I didn’t know about half the drugs you mentioned. I must be old. You would think I wouldn’t be as shocked by all of this, but it still amazes me what people come up with faster than the government can legislate against it.”

  “That’s why awareness is the key more so than making the drugs illegal. I think so many of these kids don’t even realize what they are getting themselves into before it’s too late. Then they are trapped in the world of addiction.”

  “Sounds like you have some familiarity with this.”

  Too much, Leah thought, but she would never tell Marcus this. She would keep her personal life separate from her work.

  Alex almost cost her the part-time job at the restaurant. Although she still worked there a couple of times a week, her hours had lessened and her relationship with Bill had become strained. He still treated her cordially, but there was an awkwardness now that had never been present before. It wasn’t just Bill. The other servers looked at her with a mixture of pity and suspicion—a combination that made her want t
o scream. She hated their knowing eyes peering into all the cracks in her life and filling in the holes with their own theories about her problems when they didn’t have the slightest clue. She didn’t think she would be able to work there much longer.

  She couldn’t let this happen here. This job meant everything to her. It was her ticket out of perdition.

  Avoiding his probing question, she changed the subject. “Do you think the other managing editors will go for the story?”

  “Are you kidding? They love it almost as much as I do. This blog will likely get even more hits than your last, which means, my dear, you are a success. Congratulations.”

  Leah tried to stifle her triumphant smile, but she couldn’t help but feel pleased. There were so few moments like this where she could feel proud of herself without feeling guilt about something else in her life.

  “I can’t wait to begin the next one.”

  “I can’t wait to read it, Leah,” Marcus admitted. “You have a real talent. I’m glad I was smart enough to recognize it. I would have hated to lose your gift to the competition. We need you here.”

  Leah could feel her cheeks warming and she knew she must be blushing again, but she was not used to all this praise. She generally got lectures about everything she was doing wrong. So rare for her to be told that she was doing something right.

  Marcus smiled and walked away. She was feeling better and more energized today than she had in weeks. She clicked on the internet and began working on her next story. So engrossed in her research, she didn’t notice the passage of time until Marcus stopped by her desk with his coat and briefcase.

  “Leah, it’s eight. Why am I still looking at you typing away on that computer?”

  Leah worried she might be in trouble. “I just got caught up in my next story and I didn’t realize how late it was.”

  “You also didn’t realize when it was lunchtime. I bet you didn’t leave this desk all day except for a trip or two to the restroom.”

  He might have been surprised to know that she didn’t even get up to do that, which is why her bladder felt like it might burst.

  “I’ve told you before, Leah. I appreciate your dedication to your work, but you have to take care of yourself first, otherwise you won’t be around long enough to enjoy it. You think because you are young your boundless energy will protect you, but even people your age burn out, and sometimes they even die.” Marcus paused and Leah could see a hint of regret on his face, but he blinked it away and the moment passed. “Look Leah, join me for dinner tonight. We can talk about this article you’ve spent the entire day engrossed in. I have to admit I am curious about the next piece.”

  Dinner with Marcus felt wrong somehow. It was just an innocent meal between colleagues, she tried to convince herself, but there was something about this that made her feel guilty. She should say no.

  Alex was fighting for them and she should be home waiting for him. Should she be? Was it wrong to enjoy a nice meal and have a good time talking about her work? Marcus was her boss, she rationalized, not her boyfriend. This was not a date. Marcus might be single, but he wouldn’t ask one of his junior writers out on a date. That would violate all professional rules. This was clearly just an innocent working dinner, and she shouldn’t be making such a big deal out of it. That was what she tended to do. Everything in her life was a bad drama. She overthought every decision to the point of paralysis. She didn’t end up doing anything for fear of doing the wrong thing.

  How did I end up in this rut? she wondered. She wasn’t always like this, and she didn’t want to be like this any longer. She would find herself. Figure out who Leah Rhodes was and define her own identity outside of being Alex’s fiancé.

  “Leah, is everything okay?”

  Marcus was looking at her as if she were about to fall apart. That was how she felt on the inside. She hated being this emotional mess. It had to stop now.

  “Everything is fine, Marcus. Dinner would be great. I would love to discuss some of my ideas with you. Maybe you can help me figure out the right direction.”

  “Great. Grab your stuff and let’s go. There’s a delicious little Thai place a few blocks away. I hope you like Thai.”

  She had never had it, which made her want to try it even more. “Thai would be perfect,” she said.

  She followed Marcus out the building and they walked in silence to the restaurant, which took less than five minutes. The restaurant was crowded, but they were seated immediately. Marcus seemed to be a regular there. The owner greeted him personally and arranged for a table for them within minutes despite the line of people ahead of them.

  “How did you do that?” Leah asked in wonder. “You snap your fingers and we are seated at the best table despite the line of customers throwing daggers in our direction.”

  Marcus threw his head back and laughed, his smile illuminating his face. He was even more handsome when he flashed those dimples.

  “I am a frequent patron of this restaurant. They are good about taking care of their regulars.”

  Leah suspected there was more to the story than that. Her inquisitive mind wanted to probe further, but Marcus was her boss. She would respect his privacy. They were not friends. Just colleagues having a working dinner.

  It didn’t feel much like a working dinner, though. Every time she tried to discuss her story, Marcus smoothly changed the subject, asking questions about her life that she didn’t want to answer.

  “You’re such an enigma, Leah. I don’t understand you.”

  “Why do you want to?” Other than Alex and Claire, no one showed much interest in knowing her.

  “I like to know the people who work for me. It helps me know who I can trust.”

  It sounded like a reasonable answer, but two could play at that game. “I feel the same. I like to know who I am dealing with as well and you are just as puzzling to me as I seem to be to you.”

  Marcus leaned in closer and flashed a devilish smile. “The difference is, I am a puzzle ready and willing to be solved. All you have to do is ask, Leah, and I will answer.”

  Would it be that simple, she wondered? “Let’s play a game.” Marcus arched an eyebrow, but she refused to let his reaction thwart her. For some reason, she felt bold tonight, and she was going to take full advantage of her newfound bravery. Marcus opened the door to it and she was going to race in full steam ahead. “We’ll interview each other. We each get to ask the other five questions, taking turns. We promise to answer them honestly.”

  Marcus smiled. “I think I will like this game. We have a deal. I am feeling so generous that I will allow you go first.”

  Of course her mind went blank at that moment. Not expecting him to say yes so easily, she wasn’t prepared and couldn’t think of a single question. That was a journalistic faux pas.

  This was humiliating. He was watching her impatiently and she was getting increasingly nervous, which made it harder to think of an appropriate question.

  “Are you giving up already, Leah? This is your game, let’s play.”

  She refused to give up. She blurted out the first thing that came to her mind. “Where did you go to school?” Stupid question. She was tempted to bang her head against the table, but it was too late. Foot already inserted in mouth.

  “Am I overestimating your journalistic skills? You have five questions to ask and you choose the one that you could easily answer on your own just my looking at the diplomas in my office? I don’t quite get the strategy.”

  “It’s an icebreaker,” Leah pretended.

  “Well then, let’s break the ice. I went to Notre Dame undergrad and I earned my Masters at Columbia. Did the ice thaw?”

  He was mocking her and she deserved it.

  “My turn now. I am not interested in breaking the ice, so I will jump right into my probing questions. Is that diamond on your finger a warning that all men should back off, or is the lack of an accompanying wedding band a sign that there is still hope that someone could come and win you
r heart?” He reached for her hand and inspected her ring. “I suspect your heart truly belongs to another. You have that look in your eyes. The look of a woman who deeply loves the man who put that ring on her finger.”

  Leah slipped her hand out of his. This was not what she expected. He dove right into the personal questions and was unnervingly insightful. Well, this dumb game was her idea so she couldn’t back out now even though she knew she was going to regret playing it. “Yes,” she replied simply.

  “Is that all you are going to say about it?”

  “I answered your question,” she reminded him, and he humbly acknowledged that she’d held up her end of the bargain. “Now it’s my turn.” She wasn’t going to waste another question so she tried to think of something worthwhile to ask that she couldn’t find out on her own with a little internet surfing. “Why did you give up football?”

  His eyes opened wide in obvious surprise. “I can see why you needed to break the ice first. You went right for the jugular with the second question.” Leah looked away sheepishly. “You are definitely more observant than I realized. I would ask you how you know about my football days, but I wouldn’t want to waste one of my questions. So here’s my answer. My football career ended my junior year of college. Ever since I could remember I lived and breathed football. I started playing when I was five and continued throughout college. I was good, very good. So good that I earned a full scholarship to Notre Dame. I was a safety. It was my job to protect the middle of the field and levy the big hits. I was a little too good at that. During one game, we had a three-point lead with less than two minutes left on the clock. The opposing team was driving down the field to get a game-winning touchdown, or at least a tying field goal. Our defense held on the first three downs, and it was 4th and 25. We were so close to victory. One more stop and the game was over. The quarterback threw the ball deep down the field to his tight end. The linebacker had blown the coverage and the tight end was wide open for a twenty-four-yard gain. I was the only one around to stop him from taking the ball and extending it for the first down, or worse, the end zone. I charged towards him as I saw the play unfold. He barely caught the ball before I launched myself at him helmet first. My helmet smacked right into this. The impact shook my whole body. I felt limp. We both collapsed next to each other, totally unaware of the chaos around us. I finally fell into a deep sleep and woke up the next day to learn that we had won the game, but the guy I knocked unconscious had spent the night in surgery trying to repair spinal damage. All I had was a concussion. That kid survived and thank God regained the ability to walk, but his football career ended because of me. I felt like I owed it to him to end my career that night as well. I cost him his football future, so I didn’t deserve one.”