For the Love of Alex

by J. E. Hopkins

  Claire was not one for hiding her sarcasm. She wore her feelings on her sleeve, good or bad.

  “Can you be a little less obnoxious?” Leah’s defensiveness perked up. Maybe calling Claire was a mistake after all. She was not much of a supporter of Alex. “Alex is fine. I wish you wouldn’t act that way about him. He’s working really hard to get himself together. He’s got a job. He’s working out and staying fit. That’s where he is now. He’s running and taking care of himself. He’s doing the right things, so stop coming down on him. I don’t know why you hate him so much, but if you’re my friend you would learn to keep your feelings to yourself about the man that means more to me than anyone or anything else. Alex’s getting better and he will stay better.”

  “Are you trying to convince me, Lee, or yourself? Look, I don’t want to upset you. Believe it or not, I don’t hate Alex. I never have. I hate his addiction and I hate what it does to you and to him. I want him to get better, but the last time we spoke you told me he quit rehab after two weeks. I am no sobriety expert, but I can’t believe that he was cured that fast. I’ve seen enough talk shows to know that most addicts relapse at least once. Sorry to be the wet blanket here, but the odds are not good for Alex or for you if you keep deluding yourself. ”

  “I didn’t call you to lecture me about Alex’s battle with drugs. You could watch a million shows on TV, but you will never understand what it’s really like unless you’re in the situation. Stop acting like a know-it-all. I don’t need you to tell me how to fix my life.” She just needed her friend to be there for her and support her through this nightmare because she was scared enough on her own. She didn’t want any reminders of how afraid she should be. Fear was embedded in her soul.

  “Someone has to tell you because you can’t seem to do it on your own. You keep making the same mistakes over and over again. You should have made Alex go back to rehab. You have to know it was wrong for him to check himself out so soon.”

  Like I could make him go back to rehab. Claire may have meant well, but she couldn’t begin to comprehend the complexity of this situation. Leah scolded herself for expecting Claire to understand. She just wanted someone to talk to, and now she was just tempted to hang up on her friend.

  The last thing she wanted was an unnecessary lecture about all the things she should do differently. For once she just wished Claire would just listen to her, but as usual no one ever really listened to her. They just criticized her choices and berated her for her failures, but they never heard her. The only person that ever really did was Alex. Even high he listened better than anyone else in her life. How sad was that? How lonely?

  This conversation was going nowhere fast and before something was said that could not be undone, Leah decided to end it. “Claire, I have to go. Sorry to call so early. Talk to you another time.”

  She hung up before Claire could respond. She couldn’t bear to hear another word from her friend. Leah sat at the kitchen stool. She felt so alone. When it came to Alex’s addiction, she was alone.

  Her stomach churned again and this time the nausea overwhelmed her. She ran into the bathroom just in time and relieved her stomach of the oatmeal she ate for breakfast. She was so ill that she did not hear Alex enter the bathroom.

  He crouched down beside her and pulled her hair back as she vomited again. After several painful minutes, her stomach settled.

  “Babe, what’s wrong?”

  Leah’s throat was so raw she could not utter any words. Alex helped her stand and she brushed her teeth. He poured her some water from the tap and she drank it up quickly as it hydrated her parched throat.

  Without a word, Alex eased her out of her clothes and turned on the shower. He took off her engagement ring and left it on the bathroom counter.

  He removed his as well and pulled her into the shower behind him. He lathered up the washcloth and began to cleanse away any remnants of the illness.

  His hands massaging her skin was a welcoming balm to her aching body. She never wanted him to stop. She rested her back against his chest as he washed her breasts and stomach and his hands reached lower.

  “For once, I get to clean you up.” He kissed her ear lobe ever so lightly and then her neck, causing her to shiver. Her legs felt weak. As if he knew, he wrapped his right around her waist and held her up as he continue to lick her neck and massage her body with his left hand. “I like this much better.”

  Leah liked it much better as well. Although she still felt slightly ill, she was quickly healing, as his ministrations were the best medicine for her stress-induced nausea.

  Too quickly, Alex pulled away and turned off the shower. He exited and she followed. He grabbed his towel and began to dry her off. His scent comforted her anxious stomach and she surrendered herself to his care. He wrapped her up in the towel and carried her to bed.

  She watched the water drip from his skin and for a moment she envied those drops, wishing she could embrace him the way they did.

  “Why are you looking at me like that?” Alex asked with a teasing glint in his eyes.

  “I must be really sick. I am sitting here envying water.” She was just so frighteningly in love with this man. Her eyes met his and she could see his confusion. “Don’t pay attention to me. I just…I love you Alex. Thank you for taking care of me.”

  “I love taking care of you. I wish I could do it more often. Not that I wish you were ill, but I wouldn’t mind playing doctor-patient once in a while.” He reached for his jeans and began to put them on.

  “You’re not a very good doctor, Alex.” Leah pointed to his jeans. “The best cure for me is you sans the Levis.”

  Alex shook his head, trying to stifle his laughter. “Just a few moments ago it looked like you were going to drown in the toilet, and now you want some lovin’, darlin’?” he drawled in his fake southern boy accent.

  “What can I say? A shower with you and your magic hands cured me.” And she did feel cured. All the stress of the morning was gone and she felt relaxed and free. It was like getting sick rid her of her anxiety and she felt a sense of peace. She wanted to embrace every moment of it and especially the man who helped her find it. “To be certain, I could still use another treatment.” She stretched out her arms to him like a siren beckoning her lover to come.

  Alex dropped his jeans and strode over to her. He crouched on the bed, stalking her like a wolf in search of its prey. He kissed her legs and pulled them apart, seating himself between her. “I shouldn’t do this. You could have the cooties or something.” He bent down and licked her moist heat. “Mmm. Well, your cooties taste really good,” he groaned.

  Leah playfully slapped him on the back. “You’re such an idiot, but you’re my idiot.”

  He pulled himself up and cupped her cheek in his hand. “I will always be your idiot as you will always be mine. At least I hope you don’t smarten up one day and leave this idiot behind.”

  Leah pressed her lips to his. “The smartest thing I ever did was let you in my heart. I’ll never let you go.”

  III

  “It’s Saturday, Leah. Why do you need to go work?” Alex’s annoyance was written all over his beautiful face.

  Leah had showered again and dressed in a navy skirt and pink blouse. She was standing in front of the mirror trying to force her uncooperative hair into a sophisticated French twist. “I want to work on my story. What can I say? After spending all morning in bed with you, I feel energized and inspired. Besides, you’re going to work in a few hours as well. It’s not like I am leaving you behind.”

  “I could call in sick and spend the day with you,” Alex offered.

  “Sweetheart, you just started at the coffeehouse. You can’t call in sick your first week of work.”

  “So let them fire me. It’s a stupid coffeehouse. I could get a job selling coffee anywhere.”

  “With this attitude you will never be head barista,” she joked, but she immediately recognized Alex was not amused.

  Alex rose from the b
ed and grabbed his jeans. He shoved his legs into his jeans and reached for his shirt. After fumbling with the buttons, he threw it in the corner of the room and sat on the bed with his back to Leah.

  She could see the tension in his shoulders and knew her little joke was to blame. She picked up his shirt and quickly undid the buttons. She passed it to him and after a moment he grabbed it from her and slammed it down on the bed.

  “Are you going to dress me now, too? I am not even capable of something that simple, am I?”

  Leah sat down next to him. “I’m sorry Alex. It was just a joke.”

  “The sad part is I have become a joke. The best job I can get is selling coffee to college kids. I was supposed to be a college kid. I should have graduated with you and have been looking forward to starting law school in August. Rather than learning criminal law and constitutional law, I am learning how to make café latté and espresso. What a fucking loser I’ve become!”

  “Stop it!” Leah yelled. “Don’t ever say that about yourself again. You are no loser, Alex. You can do whatever you want to do. You will be twenty-two in a few weeks. You have plenty of time to go back to college and go to law school if that’s what you want. It’s not too late for you. Things may have been delayed, but you still have opportunities to do whatever you set your mind to. I will support you completely in whatever you choose.”

  “What if I don’t choose? What if I continue like this? You wouldn’t be ashamed of your barista husband? You wouldn’t mind introducing me to your successful friends as your minimum-wage lover?”

  “Where is this coming from? Have I ever once even insinuated that I was ashamed of what you did for a living or embarrassed by you?” The only time she ever felt those emotions was when he was high on drugs and she worried about his unpredictable and erratic behavior. Never because of his job. How could he think she would be so superficial? This whole argument was pointless. This was just another one of his mood swings, which were happening more and more frequently. She figured it was just his struggles with temptation and she tried to be patient, but some days he made it hard.

  “Alex, you have all the time in the world to figure out what you want to do and how to get there. I have never pressured you and I won’t now. You need to stop projecting your insecurities on to me. I have never judged you in such a way, but you judge yourself unfairly all the time. I wish you wouldn’t do that to yourself, but if you are determined to do so, then don’t make it about me.”

  “Projecting my insecurities on to you? Did you learn that in your psych class? I’m glad you chose journalism instead of psychology. That is definitely not your strength.”

  “Being an asshole is definitely yours at times.” Leah rose from the bed and ran out the bedroom as fast as her legs could take her. She reached for her purse and opened the front door. Before she could leave, she felt Alex’s strong arm grab her around the waist and lift her back into the apartment. With his free hand he shut the door.

  Leah rested her head against the door, her back pinned to his chest as Alex held her in a tight, but not uncomfortable embrace. She felt his breath on her neck as he kissed her anxious pulse. “I’m sorry, Leah. Don’t leave angry with me. I just feel lost. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

  Alex softened his grip, allowing Leah to turn to face him. “If you’re lost, I’ll find you,” she promised.

  “You can’t find me until I find myself. I just don’t know where to begin looking. I hate feeling like this and I don’t know how to stop.” He pressed his forehead against hers, seeking her warmth. “Don’t hate me for saying this, but it was easier when I was on drugs. Not better, just easier.”

  Leah’s heart sank at his admission, but she would not let him know how much his words disturbed her. He was being honest and she couldn’t fault him for his words even though they cut her like the sharpest of blades. “Give yourself time, Alex. I know it’s hard right now, but be patient with yourself, with me. You didn’t have to face the real world when you were high, but now you have to deal with reality and it can be hard at times, but it can be wonderful as well. Don’t give up on this.” Don’t give up on sobriety, she pleaded.

  “I won’t give up. I just have to give it time. Patience was never one of my strengths, but I will work on it. I have to. I can’t go back. We can’t go back.”

  No, they couldn’t go back. Leah couldn’t imagine doing another twelve rounds of addiction. Alex needed help that she couldn’t provide.

  “Alex, maybe it’s time for you to go a meeting or see someone who understands what you’re going through. I know how hard you are fighting to deal with this on your own, but it’s okay to seek help. Isn’t that the normal protocol? You should be in contact with someone who can relate to you and help you deal with whatever temptation you’re facing. I wish it could be me, but I see that I am not enough. You need more than I can give.”

  “I hated rehab, Leah. I was drowning in this black sea, sinking deeper and deeper each day. I knew if I stayed any longer, I would never see the surface again. I would never see you. I would just sink until there was nothing left but darkness and I was gone forever. I would be something unrecognizable to myself, to you. I would become a stranger. That’s how I feel some days. I don’t know who I am right now and I don’t know how to find myself in this abyss. Maybe I should go talk to someone,” Alex conceded. “I guess it couldn’t be any worse.”

  “It could be great for you,” Leah implored, feeling hopeful once again. “Alex, you have to get used to the new you. You aren’t losing yourself. You’re just growing and developing in the man you were meant to be. The man who drugs were holding you back from becoming. There’s nothing to fear in this. Please talk to someone about this. The local Methodist church has meetings there for recovering addicts. I picked up a pamphlet for them a while back. It’s a free program open to anyone in need of help.”

  “What were you doing in a Methodist church? Last time I checked you were Catholic and only because you were christened as one, not because you ever make appearances at church. Did lightning strike when you stepped into the building? Did you see images of the Virgin Mary? I wonder if that’s what caused that wicked nor’easter a few months ago. Leah Rhodes stepped into church and the heavens poured.”

  Leah knew this was no time to joke, but Alex often hid his pain behind humor. “I’ve been to church many times the last few years. I even stopped in a synagogue. I would go anywhere and everywhere I thought God might listen to my prayers—my prayers for you. How I ended up in church doesn’t matter, though. The only thing that does matter is you getting the help you need. Go to a meeting. Give it a chance. You might be able to find comfort in others who understand your struggle.”

  “I’ll give it a shot. The last thing I want to do is to keep taking out my frustrations on you. This is not your fault and you shouldn’t bear the brunt of my struggles. I have to get myself together. I will get myself together.”

  He kissed her tenderly and stepped away. He smiled so warmly, but the smile didn’t quite reach his azure eyes.

  Leah searched his eyes for hope, but all she could see was defeat. The knot in her stomach returned with a vengeance as fear engulfed the peace she’d embraced just a short time ago.

  Chapter 5: The Stages of Grief

  Several days later and Leah was feeling worse. She couldn’t forget that helpless, defeated look in Alex’s eyes. It haunted her. Over the last few days she watched him closely, analyzing his every move to see if there was some sign he was slipping back into that dark world of addiction. The anxiety was consuming her, making her increasingly ill. She couldn’t keep any food down. Her stomach was in a constant war of emotion and she worried the stress had finally resulted in an ulcer.

  After taking every over-the-counter medicine she could find, her symptoms progressed. There were brief periods of relief, but they were always short lived. She finally conceded it was time to see the doctor. She used to lecture Alex on the importance of getting help. Well
, now it was time for her to get help for her illness.

  She made an appointment with a new physician. It had been years since her last physical and annual gynecological exam, so it was time for a full checkup. Fortunately, her doctor had a cancellation for Saturday morning so he was able to squeeze her in today. It was a mixed blessing. Part of her did not want to hear the inevitable bad news, but she was tired of being miserable and if he could give her something to dull the pain, she would gladly accept it.

  Her appointment was at nine. His office was only a ten-minute walk, so she didn’t have to rush to get ready. She dragged herself out of bed at eight. She felt okay for the first five minutes, but by the time she stepped out the shower, her stomach was churning and she ended up on her knees, hovering over the toilet, dry-heaving into the bowl.

  “Jesus, Leah. You’re sick again.” Alex was at her side once again in his usual position of holding her hair back while she emptied the little contents in her stomach. He helped her clean up and get dressed as usual. This had become their unpleasant morning ritual the last few days. “I’m going with you to the doctor.”

  “Y-you don’t have to go,” Leah spoke in a raspy voice. Her throat painfully parched. She said the words, but didn’t mean them. She wanted him there with her. She didn’t want to face this battle alone. What if she was sicker than she imagined? Maybe this wasn’t an ulcer. Maybe this was a tumor of some kind. Oh God. Maybe it was worse than that. What if Alex had given her something? She always feared he might contract something as an intravenous drug user. He swore he never shared needles, but who knows what he might have done in a drug-induced desperation. Leah started to panic and her stomach lurched again.

  “You’re as green as the Hulk. Yes, I do have to go with you. I need to speak to your doctor as well. This isn’t normal. Give me ten minutes and I will be ready to go with you.”

  Leah waited in the living room for Alex, who was ready in about five minutes. She felt a little better, but she leaned on him, feeding off his strength as they walked to Austin Street.