Captain Awesome Gets Crushed

by Stan Kirby

  “And now I’m her Valentine,” Charlie said, preparing another gummy sandwich.

  Eugene plopped into his seat. “She’s up to something, Charlie, and that something is no good! Maybe she’s just playing nice for Valentine’s Day.”

  “I’m not the only one, though,” Charlie said. “Sally’s got a Valentine too, but he’s a secret. Look.”

  Eugene looked.

  Sally had a giant heart-shaped box of candy in front of her. Eugene waved, but she was too busy opening a card to see him.

  “No!” Eugene cried. “This is bad news for the Sunnyview Superhero Squad!”

  “Why? Do you think Chunky Chuck gave us explosive chocolate?” Charlie asked.

  “Worse. If Beastosaurus, the Sea Beast from the Deepest Deep climbed out of the ocean and started stomping on houses and cars, we’d need our whole team to push him back into the water.” That meant Captain Awesome, Nacho Cheese Man, Turbo, and Supersonic Sal, the girl who was now eating a chocolate-covered cherry and not looking at Eugene.

  “Don’t worry, Eugene. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. You’ve still got plenty of time to get your own Valentine,” Charlie told him.

  Plenty of time, Eugene thought. Sure, like Beastosaurus will be happy to wait around before he launches his Beastostompo attack.

  “Who’s Sally’s secret Valentine?” Eugene wondered aloud as he scanned the cafeteria.

  Suddenly Eugene leaped to his feet.

  “Supergasp!” he cried. “I bet Sally’s secret admirer is really Beastosaurus! This valentine junk is really his fiendish plot to distract the Sunnyview Superhero Squad while he attacks!”

  “Well, next time, I hope he comes up with a distraction that has more caramel in it,” Charlie replied, popping a piece of chocolate into his mouth. “Besides, what do you care who Sally’s secret Valentine is?” Charlie asked.

  “I don’t care,” Eugene blurted out. “I don’t care at all. Why should I care? I laugh at you. HA!”

  “For someone who doesn’t care, you sure seem to care,” said Charlie.

  Eugene slumped. Charlie had free candy. Sally had a secret admirer. All Eugene had was a pile of something that might be green peas on his lunch tray. Now Eugene knew exactly how Super Dude felt in Super Dude No. 14 when Mr. Floss stole all of Super Dude’s secret candy stash from the Super Dude Hall of Dessertness and replaced it with lima beans.

  How come Charlie can’t see the danger in it all! Eugene wondered. Pink and red hearts! Hugs! Secret admirers! Could there be anything more evil than that?! Or yucky?!

  Eugene knew that this time Captain Awesome would have to go it alone!

  Eugene raced from the cafeteria, put on his Captain Awesome outfit, and raced back as quickly as possible.

  “Citizens! Drop that candy! Put down those Valentine’s Day cards! And whatever you do, flee from the pink hearts!” Captain Awesome called out. “It’s all a wicked plot of the dreaded Beastosaurus! Beware his stinky seaweeder!”

  Captain Awesome jumped onto a table and pulled down the pink streamers that hung overhead. “Take that, you dreaded pink tentacles of romance!”

  The streamers trailed from behind Captain Awesome as he jumped onto another table where Meredith was eating her lunch.

  “You’re getting streamers in my pudding!” Meredith yelled at him.

  “Someday, you’ll thank me for that!” Captain Awesome said and pulled down another set of pink streamers stretched over the table.

  Captain Awesome was about to jump down and race over to the big red and pink hearts, but as he turned, the mass of streamers gripped in his heroic hands twisted around his legs, making it difficult to move.

  “You won’t stop me, you horrible holiday decoration!” Captain Awesome declared. Then he added, in a much less heroic voice, “Or maybe you will,” as he fell off the table with a . . .

  SUPERTHUD!

  Captain Awesome squirmed on the ground, trying to break free from the streamers of doom. Charlie rushed over, yanked them off Captain Awesome’s legs, and helped the superhero sit up.

  “Thanks, Nacho Cheese Man,” Captain Awesome whispered to Charlie, so no one would know his secret superhero identity.

  The once nicely decorated cafeteria was a mess. Kids looked around, not sure what to make of it all. And Meredith Mooney fumed as she picked little bits of pink paper from her pudding.

  “Here. Have some Valentine’s candy,” Charlie said as he offered Captain Awesome a candy heart. “I’m sure you’ll get some of your own tomorrow.”

  “I don’t want any candy. What makes you think I want candy?” Captain Awesome said defensively. “And why do you keep saying that I care about Sally having a secret admirer? ’Cause I don’t.”

  “But I didn’t say anything about that,” Charlie replied, confused.

  “But you wanted to. I can tell. I’m a superhero. It’s one of my powers,” Captain Awesome said. “In fact, I’m happy I don’t have any candy or a Valentine card from Sally—I mean someone. There’s no room in my backpack for all that stuff. And who’d want to be part of a holiday that brainwashes everyone into liking pink?! And believe me, I do not care who Sally’s secret admirer is. I just want to find out because . . . because . . . it could be the Secret Admir-inator! Yeah! Sent from the future to pretend to be Sally’s secret admirer!”

  “But I thought you said it was Beastosaurus,” Charlie said.

  “I changed my mind,” Captain Awesome said in a huff.

  Captain Awesome and Charlie stared at each other in silence for a moment before Charlie finally said, “I think all this pink is turning your brain to mush.”

  Valentine’s Day finally arrived and that could only mean one thing.

  BARF!

  Eugene was dreading this day even more than a first day back to school after getting a haircut. “What happened? Get in a fight with a lawnmower?” was the only thing he had to suffer through on those haircut days. This day was going to be a bajillion times worse.

  Eugene was going to be the first kid in the history of history to not receive a valentine on Valentine’s Day. Even when Valentine’s Day was first invented by cavemen, all the cave kids in dinoschool still received a rock chiseled into the shape of heart.

  “All right, class, is everyone ready for our Valentine’s Day party? Who wants a cupcake?” Eugene’s teacher Ms. Beasley asked.

  As the rest of the kids in class cheered, Eugene opened his math notebook. That’s when he saw . . . IT!

  Tucked between the pages of his notebook was a blue, red, and yellow note! Eugene eagerly opened it. It was decorated with stars and Super Dude stickers.

  CHEER!

  IT WAS A VALENTINE! Yes, it was a one-hundred-percent Eugene’s-not-the-only-kid-in-the-history-of-history-to-not-receive-a-valentine valentine! The note had eleven simple words that sent Eugene’s spirits flying: “Happy Valentine’s Day to my favorite superhero! Look in your cubby.”

  “Mi-tee,” Eugene whispered to himself, not only because he had a secret admirer, but because there wasn’t a single dot of pink on the whole card.

  Eugene was about to smile, but then the most horrible thought in all the multidimensions of horrible thoughts exploded into his head like an overinflated birthday cake. He thrust the card out to Charlie, whose cheek was stuffed with chalky candy hearts like he was a sugar-crazy chipmunk.

  “Is this from you?!” Eugene asked.

  “Mut? Mo! My midn’t mive moo mat,” Charlie mumbled.

  “Are you sure?” Eugene asked.

  “Mes mime mur,” Charlie replied.

  Eugene plopped back into his chair with a huge sigh of relief.

  Eugene had a secret admirer! And even better, he had a secret admirer who liked Super Dude!

  DOUBLE

  SECRET

  COOLNESS!

  Maybe this whole Valentine’s Day thing isn’t so gross after all, Eugene thought. Now . . . how do I get to my cubby without anyone noticing?

  As Eugene crawled along
the floor to his cubby, he pulled out his Valentine’s Day card one more time. “Happy Valentine’s Day to my favorite superhero!” it read. Eugene smiled.

  Then he saw . . . another IT!

  A copy of Super Dude Super Duper Spectacular Winter Extra Special No. 1!

  IN. HIS. CUBBY!

  He grabbed it and almost started to dance with joy, but just then he saw Sally peeking out from around the other cubbies. She smiled as Eugene hugged the comic to his chest. The moment Eugene noticed her, Sally’s eyes went wide and she began to fumble through the backpacks.

  “What are you doing, Sally?” Eugene asked.

  “Um, nothing. Just looking for my backpack,” Sally replied. “Oh! Look! Here it is!” Sally grabbed a backpack and held it out.

  “That’s Jake’s,” Eugene said.

  “Oh, right. So it is.” Sally blushed. She dropped the backpack and scurried back to her chair.

  Despite all the ickiness of Valentine’s Day, Eugene was feeling pretty good because of three things:

  1. Secret Admirer

  2. Cupcakes

  3. New Super Dude comic book

  As Eugene returned to his seat, he looked at Charlie. “Life is good,” he said.

  “You got that right,” Charlie replied. “Although I kind of wish Meredith would stop smiling at me. It’s really weirding me out.”

  “Sally is acting kind of strange too,” Eugene added.

  “Maybe all the girls in our class got bitten by the Lovebuggerinator,” Charlie said.

  Eugene nodded and leaned back in his chair. All that was left for him to do was sit back and enjoy the cupcake Mrs. Beasley had given him. Sure, it was pink with red frosting, but that was the great thing about cupcakes. No matter their color, they were still awesome.

  And then suddenly . . . his cupcake was gone! Eugene quickly pulled Charlie over to the cubbies.

  “I dare say that evil is eviling in our classroom at this very moment!” Eugene whispered to Charlie.

  “Where?! I always wanted to see what evil eviling looked like!” Charlie replied.

  “It looks just like ugly with a really bad haircut,” Eugene replied. “My Valentine’s Day cupcake is missing! And this is definitely a job for Captain Awesome and Nacho Cheese Man!”

  ZIP!

  TIE!

  CAPE!

  In a burst and a flash, Eugene McGillicudy and Charlie Thomas Jones transformed into the terrific twosome, Captain Awesome and Nacho Cheese Man!

  With the cry of “MI-TEE!” and “CHEESY YO!” Captain Awesome and Nacho Cheese Man charged into the middle of the classroom.

  “Captain Awesome and . . . was it Cheddar Cheese Man?” Ms. Beasley asked. “So nice of you to join our little Valentine’s Day party.”

  “It’s Nacho Cheese Man, ma’am,” Nacho Cheese Man told her. “I’m saving the world with canned cheese!”

  “We’re here to solve the mystery of the Missing Cupcake of Yumminess!” added Captain Awesome.

  “I didn’t even know there was a Cupcake of Yumminess or that it was missing,” Ms. Beasley replied.

  “There is!” Captain Awesome said. “And it’s really, really yummy!”

  But before Captain Awesome could say even another word, Supersonic Sal joined them in the middle of the class. She directed Meredith into the middle as well. Meredith clenched a cupcake in her hand.

  “I think I found the thief,” Supersonic Sal said.

  “Little Miss Stinky Pinky!” Captain Awesome cried. “I should have seen your pink paws all over this caper!

  “Would you please stop calling me that?! My name is Meredith, and this cupcake is mine!”

  “Meredith,” Ms. Beasley began in a calm voice. “Did you take that cupcake from someone else?”

  “No! No! No! Ms. Beasley, I promise! This cupcake is mine! Mine! MINE!”

  “Meredith?” the teacher asked again.

  “Oh, okay, fine! I took it from Eu-germ.” Meredith cracked like an egg on the side of a frying pan. “But then I was going to give it to Charlie. I double promise!”

  “You were going to give it to me—I mean, Charlie?!” Nacho Cheese Man asked in disbelief.

  “Now that the villain’s been caught cupcake-handed, we need to send her to the Fortress of Eviltude on the Planet Cake-battertopia where she can knit mittens for the eight-fingered Slorks of Slorkville,” said Captain Awesome. “That’ll teach her that stealing is a bad idea!”

  “Orrrr . . . we could forgive her,” Nacho Cheese Man said in a voice so quiet that even he barely heard it.

  “Yes,” said Captain Awesome, agreeing. “We could forgive her and—WHAT?! Did you say forgive her?!”

  “Well, yeah, maybe. I mean, I’m just sayin’ . . .,” Nacho Cheese Man mumbled.

  “You better stop eating all that candy, Nacho Cheese Man,” replied Captain Awesome. “It’s making you insane.”

  Then Nacho Cheese Man pulled Captain Awesome and Supersonic Sal aside.

  “She was going to give the cupcake to me,” Nacho Cheese Man explained. “That’s kind of cool.”

  “But she’s a bad guy!” Captain Awesome protested. “And worse, she’s a pink bad guy!”

  All of a sudden, Supersonic Sal stepped between the two heroes. “Remember what Super Dude said in issue number 299 when he fought the League of Evil Babysitters? He said that to kick bad guy butt is super, but to forgive is heroic.”

  SHOCK!

  “You’re using Super Dude against me?! It’s madness!” Captain Awesome cried in disbelief. But in his heart, he knew Sal—and Super Dude—were right. Sometimes the most heroic thing you can do . . . is just forgive.

  “Fine,” Captain Awesome said with a huff. He pointed his finger toward Nacho Cheese Man. “You owe me a cupcake!”

  Nacho Cheese Man changed back into normal clothing, and then happily went to sit in his seat. Captain Awesome could only shake his head. “Valentine’s Day does some pretty strange stuff to everyone. Good thing it only comes once a year.”

  “By the way, what did you get for Valentine’s Day?” Supersonic Sal asked Captain Awesome.

  “The greatest thing ever in the history of great things.” Captain Awesome showed her his copy of Super Dude Super Duper Spectacular Winter Extra Special No. 1. “Whoever gave me this is a Super Dude fan . . . just like you!”

  Supersonic Sal smiled. “Yep. Just like me,” she said.

  “Who do you think your secret admirer is?” Captain Awesome asked. “Not that I care. ’Cause I don’t. Charlie cared. Not me.”

  Supersonic Sal looked over at Charlie, who was thoroughly enjoying the Missing Cupcake of Yumminess. He waved a “thank you” to Meredith. The only thing it looked like Charlie cared about was getting the perfect bite of cake and frosting. “Um, I don’t really know who sent me the card,” Supersonic Sal replied, then added a hopeful “I kinda thought it was . . . you?”

  “Ha! Me? Well, I-I . . .,” Captain Awesome stammered.

  The two heroes shared an unexpected smile. Captain Awesome suddenly felt an odd sensation in his cheeks. Was he . . . blushing?

  “Better, um, change back into our secret identities before someone misses us,” he said.

  “Yeah, before someone misses us,” Sal agreed.

  Captain Awesome escaped to the cubbies, relieved this whole Valentine’s Day thing was coming to an end. It was just too much crazy pinkness for one hero to handle.

  Supersonic Sal watched as Captain Awesome disappeared behind the cubbies, and then as Eugene came out and scurried to his seat.

  “Well, happy Valentine’s Day, Eugene,” she said to herself and couldn’t help but smile.

  Two words:

  FIELD!

  TRIP!

  What? Oh! FIELD TRIP!

  Aside from “no homework,” are there two greater words in the history of school? The words “field” and “trip” together promise a day of fun, a day away from school, and a day where anything can happen.

  They’re the chocolate
and peanut butter of school.

  And for Eugene, it was all going to happen tomorrow.

  “Don’t forget to bring your permission slips tomorrow, class,” said Ms. Beasley, “or you won’t be going to the zoo.”

  Eugene McGillicudy wouldn’t miss a field trip any more than he’d miss New Comic Book Day at the comic book store.

  When STAN KIRBY was six years old, he tied a beach towel around his neck and became Super Commander Beach Boy. He tried his best to protect sand castles from the waves, keep seagulls away from his french fries, and keep the beach clean. When Stan’s not creating the awesome adventures of Captain Awesome, he loves reading comic books, eating okra, and hang gliding (but not at the same time).

  GEORGE O’CONNOR’S cover—as a mild-mannered clerk in one of Gotham’s most beloved children’s bookstores—was completely blown when his first picture book, KAPOW!, exploded onto the scene. Forced to leave the bookselling world behind, he now spends even more time in his secret Brooklyn, New York, hideout—where he uses his amazing artistic powers to strike fear in the hearts of bad guys everywhere!

  Little Simon

  Simon & Schuster • New York

  CaptainAwesomeBooks.com

  This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.