The Weight of Perfection: Grand Harbor - Book Three

by Randileigh Kennedy

  I wasn’t sure what to say at this point. This wasn’t going how I’d planned at all. I was looking for an easy out – a simple “hey, I’m cheating on you, I’m no good for you, run away” kind of excuse to break away from this in the easiest way possible. Instead, he saw through me, and it was burning through my hatred for him. I wanted him to hold me and tell me everything would be okay. I wanted to erase every bad thing in my brain so I could only look at him and see the good things. To me, he was perfect – even knowing he wasn’t perfect at all.

  “You were good to me,” I said softly, brushing a tear off my cheek. “Remember in the beginning, you asked me to trust you? And I did. Oh, how I did. And I don’t regret that. But…I just can’t do this anymore.”

  “You’re scared.”

  “Maybe.”

  “Of what? Of me?”

  “I don’t know, Luke. I just don’t think we’re right for each other. And honestly, I think it’s easier to do this now before we’re in too deep.”

  “In too deep? What does that mean for you, Lex? Because I’m already in way too deep here. Everything else in my life is falling to shit, but I don’t care because you’re worth it to me. You’ve been worth it to me since the moment I met you. Whatever happened to change your mind, in the blink of an eye, apparently, since we went from the moon to some kind of crazy crash landing down here on earth - whatever happened…it doesn’t scare me. We can deal with it, whatever it is. But you have to tell me.”

  “Why don’t you tell me?”

  “What kind of game is this, I don’t even know what you’re asking! What’s the answer, Lex? What do you want me to tell you? That I love you? That I’m so crazy about you that it’s killing me to pretend like I’m totally cool when you have something else to do other than spend time with me? That I saw my grandfather weeping last night because of what you did for him, and how that made me love you more a thousand times over? What else do you want me to say?”

  There was so much emotion spilling out of him at the moment. My throat was tight. Did he just say he loved me? This was breaking down so fast. I cared about him. Maybe I even loved him, but the lines were so blurred now I wasn’t sure what I felt anymore. The person he was to me – that’s who I loved. But the person he was keeping a secret from me – I couldn’t get past that.

  “I still remember what you said to me once in the beginning when I first met you. You said it twice, actually. You said you were no hero. Well, you know what, Luke? Neither am I. I guess we’re the same like that. One person isn’t enough to save the both of us, and quite honestly – I can’t save this. I can’t save us. I’m certain of that. So I have to walk away, because if I don’t do it now, I’ll never recover from you, Luke. Please. Let me walk away.”

  “Not until you say it.”

  “What?”

  “That you don’t care about me. Say it to me and I’ll let you go. Tell me you feel nothing and I won’t say another word. I’ll watch you walk away and I won’t stop you. But you have to look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t feel the same way about me.”

  I stared back at him, and the look on his face broke my heart in a thousand new pieces. The heartache I felt over learning he wasn’t who I thought he was paled in comparison to the hurt I felt now, realizing I didn’t care if he was a complete and total lie. I did love him. I felt every bit of the same feelings he felt for me. But knowing he could keep such a big secret from me – I knew I would never be able to trust him, and that terrified me.

  “I don’t feel anything for you.” My throat hurt so bad as I said it, and tears started pouring out of my eyes. It wasn’t a convincing statement, but I got the words out nonetheless. I stood up and walked away from the single only person I wanted to spend a lifetime with underneath the stars - and he kept true to his word and didn’t come after me.

  I finally made it to my car and unleashed everything I felt. I was full-on sobbing, digging my fingers into the steering wheel, and my entire body was numb.

  I thought back to that first night we spent together. He told me that night that he was certain I never loved my ex. It was presumptuous and cocky and I thought it was just some line he used on every girl. Yet in this moment, full of complete, detrimental heartbreak, I realized he was right. Losing Nathan hurt, but it didn’t destroy me. I was offended and sad, but it didn’t break me.

  Losing Luke Beckett, however – I was certain it would completely ruin me.

  Chapter 18

  I sobbed in my car for at least an hour. Maybe it was even longer, but I couldn’t remember the exact time I started. I finally pulled myself together and called Olivia. “I did it,” I said softly as I drove back toward my apartment.

  “What happened? Where are you? Can I come meet you somewhere?”

  “I’m driving back to my place. I don’t want to actually go home, because it will feel empty and alone…like me.” The tears continued to fall and I realized how stupid I sounded, but I couldn’t stop.

  “Meet me at my spot. I’ll be there in ten.”

  We hung up and I drove to the gated neighborhood where Olivia and I used to head to back in high school every time the world disappointed us. We met there so much less now, but this felt like the perfect opportunity. I entered in the gate code, still thankful it hadn’t been changed for a decade, though not all that surprised since Grand Harbor was a pretty safe area with little crime. I actually wondered if any four number combination would open the gate – it seemed possible. Perhaps I would try that next time. Oh my gosh, I couldn’t handle any more “next times” – I’d had enough heartbreak so far this summer. I made my way down to the cul-de-sac where we always parked and I shut off my engine. Within a few minutes, she pulled her car up right behind mine.

  “What happened? Tell me everything.”

  We made our way down one hundred or so rickety wooden steps to a secluded private beach area, kicking off our sandals in the sand. We slid past the giant boulders resting along the far side of the cove, making our way to her favorite spot – a giant rock, jutting out over Lake Michigan. It was beautiful and serene and this place held all my sadness. All of our sadness, really. Olivia, Sophia and I came here so many times before with broken hearts. Luke Beckett certainly wasn’t the first boy I’d ever cried over here.

  “I needed the easy way out,” I began. “There was no point in facing the truth and making a big production out of the whole thing, so I thought the best solution would be to tell him I was back with Nathan. I thought I could rip Luke off like a band-aid and that would be it – over – done. I thought if I told him a little white lie, something powerful enough to piss him off, I thought he’d walk away and that’d be the end of it.”

  “I’m guessing he didn’t have that reaction?”

  “No! It backfired. He saw through it and knew I was lying. It was so awful. Nothing went the way I’d planned. I thought he would tell me I was a terrible person, or that I was stupid for going back to Nathan or whatever, and then I thought he would get angry and leave. That’s how I saw it going in my head, anyway. When you tell a guy you’re cheating on him, and getting back together with your ex, isn’t that how they’re supposed to react?”

  “Well, if it were true, yeah. But Lex, you’re a terrible liar. You really are,” she said with a giggle, trying to lighten the mood. “So what then, did you keep the lie going? What did he do?”

  “He said he loved me. He should’ve been cursing me – hating me, but instead, he poured out his heart to me and it was soul-crushing. Who does that during a breakup speech?”

  “Someone who really cares about you.”

  “Hey, who’s side are you on?”

  She giggled again, and I was so thankful for her company, but I also really wanted her to tell me I did the right thing. “I’m on your side, of course. I’m always on your side, you know that. But you have to admit, that’s all pretty impressive. For him to call you on your lie like that… He obviously knows you, Lex. That’s endearing at least.
It makes it hard to hate him, despite what he’s done.”

  “Despite what he’s done? He’s a bank robber! Don’t you dare try to talk me into forgiving him.”

  “That’s not what I mean,” she clarified. “I understand why you used an excuse to break up with him. What he did was horrible, there’s no excuse for that. But to make up a lie about why you wanted to break up with him? Lex, you fold like a lawn chair. Anyone you’re close to would’ve known you were lying.”

  “Well, what else was I supposed to do? Your plan sucked. You wanted me to string him along and steal all of his money for charity, remember? If I can’t tell a small white lie, do you really think I could’ve pulled that off? He would’ve figured that out too. And then what? He’s a violent criminal for heaven’s sake.”

  “Do you really believe that?”

  “What, the violent criminal bit?” I narrowed my eyes at her, and she nodded. “No.” I sighed. That’s what bothered me the most. As much as I believe he was involved – he had to be – at least he wasn’t one of the guys in a mask. He didn’t have a gun. Were there varying levels of felonies I could tolerate? The mere fact that you’re asking yourself this is seriously screwed up, Lexi. “I just don’t get it,” I continued. “Didn’t he realize it was bound to come out eventually? You can’t keep a secret like that from someone forever. It would swallow you up. How could someone lie like that to someone they care about?”

  “You’re keeping a secret, aren’t you?” she replied, stretching her legs out so they draped over the edge of the rock toward the water.

  “What?”

  “The bag of money from your brother,” she explained. “I’m not saying it’s even remotely the same thing. It’s not at all. But at some point, a secret is a secret. I’m just pointing out that you had something you couldn’t tell him about either.”

  “Because I’m protecting my brother,” I huffed. “It’s not my secret to tell. There’s a difference.”

  “What if it’s not all that different?” She raised an eyebrow. “This is his brother we’re talking about, right? The one in the mask who actually had the gun?”

  “What are you saying?”

  “You know one brother was part of the robbery for sure, right? And he was there, so even if you’re not sure of his involvement, he looks guilty as hell. He has another brother though, right? Where’s he?”

  “In jail, remember? You’re the one who found his mug shot. Remember the guy with the dreamy eyes…”

  “Yeah. I did a little digging. Do you know what he’s in there for?”

  “No. Luke and I don’t really talk about it. He used to visit him once a week, but I don’t know. I don’t think he’s been doing that lately – not since we’ve been hanging out, anyway. He doesn’t really talk about him.”

  “Armed robbery. It was a bank. Happened about two years ago.”

  “What?” I definitely raised my voice as I said it. “And you’re just telling me this now?”

  “I just looked into it today, cut me some slack. I had some down time, so I did a little digging this afternoon before you called. I didn’t realize you were going to break it off with him already, so I was trying to piece some things together before you did anything.”

  “What else did you find out?”

  “Nothing much, I got lost down a rabbit hole of all these recent prison crime stories. A few inmates have been found dead in their cells over the last few months. It’s kind of interesting, actually. The facts are all suspicious. None of them were ruled suicides, but they haven’t been able to crack them yet. Doesn’t that seem odd? All those cameras in a place like that, and no one knows anything? That blows my mind. The stuff that goes on in there is insane. You get all of these criminals together and it’s a madhouse. It’s like you don’t know who the good guys and bad guys are anymore. See, there’s a silver lining – as much as you’re blaming yourself over falling for a bank robber, it could be worse. Read the prison stories and you’ll realize there are definitely worse guys to fall for out there.”

  “Yeah, like the ones he’s related to,” I growled. “So wait, his brother Kyle is already in there for armed robbery, and his other brother Casey definitely committed armed robbery with his gun in my face that day, and Luke was there – that means all three of them are bank robbers? That’s insane! I watch a lot of crime dramas, but come on. All the Becketts are bank robbers? His brother has a family for heaven’s sake. Who are these people?”

  “I’m proud of you for cutting ties, Lex. You’re stronger than I am. It was the right thing to do.”

  “Then why does it hurt so much?” I looked over at her, hoping I wouldn’t start crying all over again. “With Nathan, when I found out he cheated on me, I was mad. It was a different feeling. It still stung, but I don’t remember feeling that sad about it, because I was too angry about it. But this – it feels so much different. I’m not angry per se – I don’t think he meant to do this to me. I genuinely believe he didn’t know I was going to be at that particular branch that morning. So instead, this kind of heartache is more like disappointment. It’s like a letdown I can’t get up from.”

  “That’s normal,” she said sincerely. “You’re allowed to grieve over it, Lex. Wallow in it for a while. Let’s spend the next few weeks stress eating our feelings every night, I’ll join you. But then, somehow, there’s a spark again from someone else – and you realize every guy before wasn’t right for you and it all starts making sense like it never did before. You find that guy who’s absolutely perfect for you – not perfect as a human being, but I mean the person who is perfectly right for you – and then eventually this all becomes your past. Luke Beckett will be reduced to a funny story we tell at girls’ nights when we’re sixty, laughing about the good ‘ole days when you fell in love with a bank robber. I promise, Lex, this will all be funny to you eventually. Some day this will simply be another story we tell – but not the story you end up living.”

  I smiled back at her. “We watch too many romance movies, don’t we? Maybe we’re too idealistic.”

  “Nonsense. The perfect guy is out there for you, Lex. I’m absolutely certain about that. Not one who’s ‘okay,’ or ‘good enough’ – but one who perfectly completes the other half of you.”

  I stared out toward the horizon, watching the sun sink down lower to the lake’s edge. It was a calm, peaceful night – the kind of evening I would want to spend with Luke, wrapped up in his arms. I wondered where he was now. I wondered if he missed me already, as dumb as that sounded. Perhaps he was parked up on the ridge he loved so much, where we spent that last, perfect night together – or perhaps he was at a bar, already looking for another girl to dupe into loving him. I wondered if he really, truly knew what he’d done wrong. He had to know.

  My phone rang, and I was surprised to see Luke’s name flash on the screen as I was thinking about him. Did he really think I would answer it after walking away from him? A minute later the chime indicated he’d left a voicemail, and then twenty seconds after that, a text came through.

  Where are you? Are you okay?

  “See,” I said in a frustrated tone, holding up my phone for Olivia so she could read the screen. “How am I supposed to move on like this? He won’t let me go. It’s ripping out my heart. Why is he still trying? He’s going to break me down, Olivia, I swear. He’s quicksand. My brain is screaming “run, girl, he’s a bank robber” but then I see his face, or read these stupid sweet texts from him where he sounds genuine and full of concern and I wonder how I will ever move on from wanting him to love me. That’s so stupid, right? How pathetic am I? Tell me I’m stupid for feeling an ounce of compassion for this guy.”

  “He was part of one of the worst days of your life, Lex. Does that help?”

  “I know, I’m trying to remind myself of that over and over. But he was also part of some of the best days,” I groaned. “Haven’t you ever had one of those absolutely flawless, perfect moments with a guy that is forever etched into you
r brain, and you know you’ll never be able to forget it no matter how much time passes or what happens from that point on. He’s that guy, Olivia. We had these moments together, wrapped up underneath the stars, and I…I felt so safe. Like nothing bad in the universe could ever touch me, so long as I was wrapped up in him. Why can’t I forget those moments so I can let all of this go?”

  “I don’t know,” she said quietly. “I understand what you’re saying. You never forget those. You need closure from this. Your white lie obviously didn’t work. That wasn’t enough to get him to back off. You still care about him too much, that’s obvious. You need a bigger separation. We need another plan.”

  “You’re right. I’m losing it, what am I saying? That I still want to be with him even though he’s a bank robber? No. That would be insane. That would be stupid. That would be completely irrational. I need him to disappear. You’re right, that’s the only way I’m going to be able to move on.”

  Before I could think of any ideas, my phone chimed again.

  Please tell me you weren’t in your apartment when this happened. Please tell me you haven’t been home yet. I have to know you’re okay.

  I read the text aloud to Olivia. It seemed awfully dramatic. What could’ve happened? He was leading me to believe something extraordinarily haphazard took place, like a tree fell on my roof or something. Of course that was impossible, since there hadn’t been a cloud in the sky all day, so I’m not sure it was a natural disaster of any sort. A car drove through the convenience store once over by my apartment – some elderly gentleman hit the gas pedal instead of the brakes, flooring his Buick right through the glass front doors. Perhaps there was some sort of incident like that?

  “This sounds like a trick, right? Like he’s being dramatic just to open up a dialogue? Maybe it’s his turn now for a white lie, just to get me to call him back or meet up with him? But then I’ll get there, and he’ll be like, ‘oh, your porch light was burnt out so I thought something bad happened to you, but while you’re here, let’s be in love again…’ That’s what this feels like, right?”