A.J. Jacobs Omnibus: The Know-It-All, The Year of Living Biblically, My Life as an Experiment

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A.J. Jacobs Omnibus: The Know-It-All, The Year of Living Biblically, My Life as an Experiment Page 91

by A. J. Jacobs


  Mr. Kindness to Strangers flees from merry mendicant on

  sukkah (hut): putting up of

  taking down of

  Sukkoth (Feast of Ingathering)

  supplication, prayers of

  synagogue, passionate attendance at

  Taliban

  Talmud

  on details of capital punishment

  on gossip as murder

  interpretive role of

  scholarly depth and breadth of

  semantic fine-tuning of scriptures in

  story of a pious fool and drowning neighbor in

  walking in a jaunty, hoity-toity manner banned in

  Tamar’s tale

  Onan’s actual offense in

  twins in

  tassels

  biblical directions for

  on every corner of ex-uncle’s clothes

  prefab (tzitzit)

  purpose of

  safety pinned to shirt

  Tassels without Hassles

  taxonomies, OCD religions replete with

  Taylor, Rip, gay reaction to shtick of

  tefillin (phylacteries; Jewish prayer straps)

  AJ’s previous brushes with

  free associating easily done with

  history and origins of

  how bird droppings can signal a problem with

  lesson in wrapping of

  rules for wearing of, gas ban included

  Teletubby Tinky Winky, evangelical outing of

  Temple Institute, The

  Temple Mount, in apocalyptic setting with red cow, Third Temple, and embattled messiahs

  Ten Commandments

  in Ark of the Covenant

  Christian views on

  constructing Tabernacle for

  dietary laws in spirit of

  disputed “Ten” in

  minimalist beauty of six through eight

  Samaritan version of

  Scotch-taped copies of

  tied to head and hand

  written on doorpost

  see also specific commandments

  Ten Commandments, The (movie)

  glorious cheesiness of

  Tenth Commandment

  see also coveting

  terrorism, post-9/11 jitters about

  Testaments, Old, New, or both

  Thanksgiving, Passover compared with

  thanksgiving, prayers of

  theocracy

  Thessalonians, First Epistle to, on heathenish passion of lust

  Thessalonians, Second Epistle to, on giving thanks

  Third Commandment

  see also God, name of

  Third Temple, Jewish Messiah waiting for

  Thomas Road Baptist Church

  AJ’s lying spree at

  “cry rooms” at

  disorientingly friendly people in

  singles group at

  see also evangelical Christianity; Falwell, Jerry

  Tijuana donkey shows, feared coming accessibility of

  Tillich, Paul

  Timothy, First Epistle to: on honoring widows

  on medicinally useful alcohol

  on modestly dressed women

  Tip (evangelical greeter)

  tithing

  after-tax

  AJ’s mental strategy for

  gleaning vs.

  God’s pleasure and AJ’s pain in

  literary agent’s fee not regarded as

  toilet paper, pre-ripped

  Tom (Falwell pastor)

  tomorrow, God willing

  Torah (five books of Moses): annual reading of

  Aunt Kate’s passion for

  divine and animal nature seen in

  laws totaling 613 in

  Samaritan take on purity laws of

  supposedly written by J, E, P, and D

  Tower of Babel

  brother-in-law seen as chief architect of

  traffic laws, obedience to

  downside and upside of

  Travolta, John

  TreeHugger web magazine

  T. rex: blood vessels found in bone of

  vegetarian incisors of

  truth telling

  about biblical observance

  in Julie’s new mind-reading game

  see also lies, lying

  Tsedaka, Benyamim

  “tumah,” mistranslation of

  Twain, Mark, on not letting those people go

  25th Hour,

  twins, biblical: Jacob and Esau

  Perez and Zerah

  twins, Jacobs:

  AJ and Julie informed about

  birth of

  circumcision of

  see also circumcision

  combativeness of, in utero

  gender revealed

  mentally preparing for

  Tyndale, William, execution of

  Unauthorized Version, The (Lane)

  Unitarians

  universe, age, size, and light rays of

  upper respiratory disorders, as excuse for not touching women

  Upper West Side

  AJ as the Gandhi of

  elderly adulterer cornered in

  gleaning innovatively attempted in

  rare opportunity for good deed in

  turning heads in

  Uriah, David’s wronging of

  vegetarianism

  universally observed until Noah

  Vilna Gaon

  virgins: consequences of sleeping with

  how to look upon

  vitalism

  Volchok, Martha

  Walden Walking Stick

  Wallis, Rev. Jim

  Wall Street Journal, front page of

  Warm Blankets Orphan Care International

  warriors, beards as possible head handles on

  Watson Adventures (scavenger hunts)

  Weinberg, Noah, on life as jigsaw puzzle

  Weisman, Charles

  theocratic and racial dreams of

  Welch, Thomas, temperance advocacy of

  West Bank

  Western Wall

  binding tefillin on tourists at

  high-voltage faithful at

  West Wing, The,

  “What Does the Bible Really Teach?” (Witness booklet)

  “What Jesus Said about Homosexuality

  When Good Men Are Tempted (Perkins)

  white garments

  buoyancy experienced in

  celebrated wearers of

  darkening of

  verbal equivalent of

  Whitfield, Daniel, biblical wine study of

  Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, AJ’s ill-fated appearance on

  Why I Am Not a Christian (Russell)

  Why the Ten Commandments Matter (Kennedy)

  widows and orphans, confirmed, offering cash to

  Wikipedia

  Williams, Venus, pagan namesake of

  Wills, Garry, on Dominionist influence

  Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, Natalie’s bat mitzvah theme as

  wine: biblical views contradictory on

  Noah’s imbibing of

  winkers, biblical warning to

  wireless piggybacking

  Wisconsin, Jews as “frozen chosen” in

  witchcraft, penalty for

  Wolfe, Tom, AJ as biblical version of

  women: avoiding unnecessary contact with

  best to stay out of clothes of

  discussing monthly cycles with

  ex-uncle’s postprandial ritual denied to

  Hasidic wallflowering of

  how they came to be

  Israelite husbands’ rights to

  not permitted to speak in churches

  octogenarian and touchable

  prudent ways to think about

  turned on by bad-boy things

  when biblical correctness requires severing hand of

  Woods, Mary and Rick

  words: B-, in Song of Solomon; see also forbidden words

  b
iblical, verily

  final

  in Jasper’s vocabulary

  no making of, on Sabbath

  “prehistoric,” creationists’ rejection of

  rationing of

  “reverential,” two-day high produced by

  work: Bertrand Russell’s classification of

  in building sukkah

  not working as

  Worldwide Church of God

  yarmulkes

  bald spots concealed by

  lack of mentions in the Bible of

  Yemenite Jews, world’s sole kosher cricket favored by

  Yom Kippur

  done cluelessly and alone

  kaparot atonement rite on eve of; see also chickens, ritual

  Yossi (spiritual adviser)

  AJ at hot fashion show with

  parable of the two praying guys told by

  story of Esther discussed with

  tefillin wrapping demonstrated by

  Zappa, Frank

  Zerah and Perez

  —SWC

  About the Author

  A. J. Jacobs is the New York Times best-selling author of The Know-It-All: One Man’s Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World. He is the editor at large at Esquire magazine, for which he wrote the article “My Outsourced Life.” He has also written for the New York Times, The Washington Post, and Entertainment Weekly. He lives in New York City. You can visit his website at ajjacobs.com.

  One man. Ten extraordinary quests.

  Bestselling author and human guinea pig A. J. Jacobs puts his life to the test and reports on the surprising and entertaining results. He goes undercover as a woman, lives by George Washington's moral code, and impersonates a movie star. He practices “radical honesty,” brushes his teeth with the world's most rational toothpaste, and outsources every part of his life to India–including reading bedtime stories to his kids.

  And in a new adventure, Jacobs undergoes scientific testing to determine how he can put his wife through these and other life-altering experiments–one of which involves public nudity.

  Filled with humor and wisdom, My Life as an Experiment will immerse you in eye-opening situations and change the way you think about the big issues of our time–from love and work to national politics and breakfast cereal.

  Praise for My Life as an Experiment and A. J. Jacobs

  “The virtuoso of this self-as-guinea-pig genre.” —Time

  “We love reading about the lifestyle experiments of

  author A. J. Jacobs.” —Entertainment Weekly

  “Jacobs’ experiments are about understanding oneself,

  making life more interesting, and showing the reader a good time.” —San Francisco Chronicle

  “Both laugh-out-loud funny and enlightening.” —People

  “Inspired and inspiring.” —Vanity Fair

  “Off-the-wall and uproarious.” —Publishers Weekly

  A. J. Jacobs is the author of the New York Times bestsellers The Know-It-All and The Year of Living Biblically. He is the editor at large at Esquire magazine. A.J. has written for the New York Times, Washington Post, and Entertainment Weekly, and is an occasional correspondent for National Public Radio. He lives in New York City with his wife, Julie, and their children. You can visit his website at www.ajjacobs.com.

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  Praise for My Life as an Experiment

  “Over the years, [Jacobs’ experiments] have grown more complex and deeper in potential meaning. Not to mention funnier and funnier.”

  —The Kansas City Star

  “[T]he most enlightening moments are driven by his honesty, his sense of humor, and his willingness to constantly challenge his ingrained assumptions. . . . Hilarity, and quite a bit of learning, ensue. . . . In [My Life as an Experiment], he once again achieves a rare literary balance—an intellectual study of human behavior that will make readers laugh out loud or, in the more daring cases, inspire them to try one of these experiments for themselves.”

  —Providence Journal

  “He’s not just in it for the yuks—though there are plenty of yuks. (He’s very funny.) He has a curious, questioning mind and is always looking for larger meaning. . . . [My Life as an Experiment] is intelligent, insightful shtick.”

  —Minneapolis Star-Tribune

  “[My Life as an Experiment] is as funny and as instructive as memoir can get.”

  —The Knoxville News-Sentinel

  “‘Immersive journalism’ is a rather popular trope these days, and Esquire editor A. J. Jacobs is one of its most entertaining adherents, performing a public service with his quest for knowledge in his latest book, [My Life as an Experiment]. . . . His experiments, alternately Herculean and banal, are emblematic of how difficult it is in this modern age to find enlightenment; ‘know thyself’ regularly brushes up against the cold, rocky bottom of daily life.”

  —LA Weekly

  “Jacobs . . . could be the funniest nonfiction writer this side of Bill Bryson. . . . The experiments themselves are fascinating and lead to genuinely surprising conclusions . . . and Jacobs’ storytelling is lighthearted and frequently laugh-out-loud funny. . . . There aren’t a lot of nonfiction books you want to read over and over, but this is certainly one of them.”

  —Booklist (starred review)

  “Jacobs, a kind of latter-day George Plimpton, tests . . . our funny bones once again with his smart-aleck, off-the-wall and uproarious experiments in living.”

  —Publishers Weekly

  “Jacobs continues his unique brand of immersion journalism . . . [and] his style is crisp and often laugh-out-loud funny. . . . [An] endearing and nimble look at how pursuing absurd extremes can illuminate the more mundane aspects of contemporary existence.”

  —Kirkus Reviews

  ALSO BY A. J. JACOBS

  The Know-It-All

  The Year of Living Biblically

  Simon & Schuster

  1230 Avenue of the Americas

  New York, NY 10020

  www.SimonandSchuster.com

  Copyright © 2009 by A. J. Jacobs

  All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Simon & Schuster Paperbacks Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

  First Simon & Schuster trade paperback edition July 2010

  SIMON & SCHUSTER PAPERBACKS and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

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  Designed by Davina Mock-Maniscalco

  Manufactured in the United States of America

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  The Library of Congress has cataloged the hardcover edition as follows:

  Jacobs, A. J., 1968–

  My life as an experiment: one man’s humble quest to improve himself by living as a woman, becoming George Washington, telling no lies, and other radical tests / A. J. Jacobs.

  p. cm.

  1. Conduct of life—Humor. 2. Self-actualization (Psychology)—Humor. I. Title.

  PN6231.6142J33 2009

  814’.54—dc22 2009024129

  ISBN 978-1-4165-9906-7

  ISBN 978-1-4391-0499-6 (pbk)

  ISBN 978-1-4391-1014-0 (ebook)

  Version
s of some of these chapters appeared in Esquire magazine.

  Previously published as The Guinea Pig Diaries

  To Julie

  (and also Courtney Holt)

  Contents

  Introduction

  Chapter One: The Unitasker

  Chapter Two: My Outsourced Life

  Chapter Three: I Think You’re Fat

  Chapter Four: 240 Minutes of Fame

  Chapter Five: The Rationality Project

  Chapter Six: The Truth About Nakedness

  Chapter Seven: What Would George Washington Do?

  Chapter Eight: My Life as a Beautiful Woman

  Chapter Nine; Whipped

  Chapter Ten; Do I Love My Wife?

  Author’s Note

  Appendix A

  Appendix B

  Notes

  Bibliography

  Acknowledgments

  Introduction

  Over the years, I’ve gotten a lot of suggestions.

  Some are intriguing. My brother-in-law suggested I spend a year growing my own food in my Manhattan apartment.

  Some are intriguing, but possibly come with a hidden agenda. A friend—at least I think he’s a friend—told me I should spend a year without human contact.

  Some definitely come with an agenda. My wife keeps suggesting that I spend a year giving her foot massages. I usually counteroffer that we could try all the positions in the Kama Sutra. The subject is generally dropped after that.

  The suggestions come with the territory. For the last fifteen years, I’ve attempted to live my life as a human guinea pig. I’ve engaged in a series of experiments on my mind and body, some of which have been fruitful, some humiliating failures. I’ve tried to understand the world by immersing myself in extraordinary circumstances. I’ve also grown a tremendously unattractive beard.

  My career as a human guinea pig began with a piece of furniture. I was working at Entertainment Weekly magazine in the mid-1990s, and the La-Z-Boy company had just created the most pimped-out, excessive chair in the history of human seating. It pushed the concept of leisure—or sloth, if you are feeling moral—to unheard-of extremes. It had a butt massager, a heater, a built-in fridge for you to store beers and cheese sticks, a modem jack—everything but a toilet and an outboard motor.

  I figured the only way to address this magnificent monstrosity was to road test it. See how it held up under severe conditions. Being a committed journalist, I offered to spend twenty-four hours watching TV in this La-Z-Boy and then write about it.

 

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