Borrowed Heart

by Andrew Grey

  Couple by couple, they climbed onto the bus. Robin made sure he had all the room keys and turned them in at the desk and made sure the billing was correct before leaving and getting on the bus. Most everyone was quiet, with Oliver and Javier being the exception. They seemed to be having some sort of quiet fight, with plenty of glaring and hissing under their breath.

  “We’re all set,” Robin said, and Johan pulled away.

  Much of the ride occurred in silence, which Robin was grateful for. Mason sat toward the back of the bus, and Robin up near Johan, slumped in his seat, replaying the events of the night before in his mind. It had been so amazing waking up in Johan’s arms. But what was he going to do going forward? Robin shifted in his seat, watching the back of Johan’s head.

  Robin tensed as Mason sat down next to him, pulling Robin out of his Johan-watching haze. “I see you watching him.”

  “Is that really any of your business?” Robin asked in a whisper. “You made your feelings clear several months ago, and now you… what?”

  Mason turned, looking as though he was about to go back to his seat, but he shrugged instead. “You know the facts of your condition as well as anyone. You had a heart transplant a little over six years ago, and that means….”

  Robin glared at Mason. He was well aware of exactly what that meant. Heart transplant patients were lucky if they lived ten, twelve years after the transplant. That fate echoed in his mind sometimes, like a ticking clock winding down. He used to imagine that his new heart only had so many beats for him, and once they were gone….

  “Yes. To you that means I shouldn’t be happy.” Robin turned away. “Just go back to your seat and leave me alone.” He looked out the window as they traveled through the countryside. And eventually Mason returned to his seat.

  Robin had always suspected that was part of the reason Mason had left. Every year that passed was one year closer to when Robin’s borrowed heart ran out. Robin had always known that was going to be difficult for anyone in his life. Robin had wasted five of his precious years on Mason. Maybe it was too much to expect anyone to be truly interested in him once they knew how little time he had left. Still, Robin was determined to make the most of what he had. But love, happily ever after, all of that fairy-tale stuff, maybe that was too much for him to hope for from anyone.

  BADEN-BADEN WAS just as quaint and beautiful as Robin remembered. Johan parked near the spa, and Robin got lockers for everyone. He was still hesitant about going in, but Johan smiled at him and handed the attendant their tickets, then gently ushered him into the changing area.

  “You have nothing to be afraid of,” Johan said, though his words didn’t settle Robin’s rattled nerves. “You’ve been through a lot, and if anyone can’t see the courage it took, then they are not worth anything.” Johan opened his locker and started stripping off his clothes.

  The room was otherwise empty; the rest of the guys had evidently moved on. At least that was what Robin thought, until Mason ambled in, catching first his eye and then Johan’s. He actually leered as Johan pulled off his shirt. Robin wanted to smack him, hard, but turned away and slowly disrobed.

  With each piece of clothing he removed, Robin became more and more self-conscious. He closed his eyes and dropped his pants. It wasn’t because of Johan and Mason—they had seen him before. He was worried about the people in the steam rooms and saunas. Finally, he pushed down his underwear and set all his dirty clothes in the locker, along with his small bag of clean clothes and shoes, and closed the door, locked it, and headed for the showers without looking to either side.

  “Keep your head held high,” Johan said as he came up behind him. “You have nothing to be ashamed of.”

  Robin wasn’t so sure, but when he turned, Johan stared at him—or specifically, Johan was looking at his ass with heat. It sent a ripple of excitement running through Robin that lasted until he stepped under one of the showerheads and turned it on, sending a deluge of water rushing over him. It felt more like being under a waterfall than a shower. Robin washed, and Johan did the same.

  Mason came in at some point, and Robin did his best to ignore him. When he was done, he picked up a towel and headed to the warm sauna, as directed by the attendant.

  The wooden room, filled with lounges, was still. All the guys were lying with towels partially covering them. Robin nodded to a few who acknowledged him. It seemed the best thing in an environment like this was to keep to himself. In this case, privacy was just keeping his eyes to home. He lay down on his towel, leaving one empty lounge next to him, which Johan settled on.

  For once, Billy, Kyle, Grant, Oliver, and Javier were quiet. There was no chatter at all, just complete silence. Robin closed his eyes and let his thoughts drift a little. Of course they floated right to the man next to him. That lasted until Mason came in, and he insisted on talking.

  “Mason,” Johan said as soon as he sat down. “This is quiet time. Speak softly if you must, but preferably not at all.” He lay back down, and Robin smiled and snickered, rolling his head to face Johan. He was truly as beautiful as any of Robin’s imaginings. His chest was perfection and filled with each breath, his legs long and flawless. Robin turned away and glanced down at himself, then closed his eyes. It would be best if he just concentrated on himself and forgot about everyone else.

  After ten minutes, Robin moved to the hot sauna, sitting and sweating for a few minutes before moving on. The extreme heat put a strain on his body, so after another shower, he hit the warm steam room and sat in there, relaxing, before skipping the hot steam and heading for another shower and the mineral bath.

  He rested on the side of the pool with the other guys, who talked softly. Mason came in, followed by Johan, who hung up his towel and lowered himself in the water. All the other guys did their best not to look like they were looking, but they failed. Everyone single one of them took in Johan’s masculine beauty. It was damned near impossible not to.

  “That was quite a show,” Robin teased in a soft whisper as Johan stood next to him.

  Johan shrugged without looking away, keeping his attention on Robin. Clearly he didn’t care what anyone else thought.

  Robin lowered himself so only his neck was above the water and let the extra softness and warmth caress him like a gentle, perfect blanket on a cool day. He closed his eyes and just relaxed, ignoring everything around him. The others came and went, heading to the bubbly pool and finally the round exercise pool under the massive Victorian dome. Robin had seen it, but this felt amazing to him, so he stayed where he was until his skin pruned. Then he went back to the locker room, skipping the soap massage, showered for the last time, and went to the meditation room, where an attendant helped wrap him in a bath sheet. He lay on a cot in the dim room, dozing for half an hour. Then he dressed and half oozed out of the spa to sit on a nearby bench with a bottled water, waiting for the others.

  “I was wondering what happened to you,” Oliver said when he and Javier emerged a little while later. Robin wasn’t sure how to take that comment, his mind going instantly to his scars. “You didn’t follow the rest of us.” Oliver sat down on the bench next to him.

  “I’m going to get a beer.” Javier pointed to a nearby park and trotted off.

  “Are you enjoying things on your trip?” Robin asked, pleased that his scars weren’t the topic of the day.

  “Yes,” Oliver answered halfheartedly. “Between you and me, I think I feel like a fool.” He turned toward where Javier had gone. “I thought that this trip would be fun and that he and I would get closer. But I….” Oliver sat back. “I’m way too old for him, and I know it. I tried dressing younger and even did the things he liked….”

  “But you can’t keep up?” Robin asked.

  “Yeah. He has so much energy, and I’m over fifty. My spirit wants to be young, but my body hates me. So….” Oliver turned back to the imposing spa building. “I’m supposed to be tweeting interesting things about my trip so Javier and his friends can be amused and retwe
et them. I don’t get the whole Twitter thing. I really don’t. Life in 280 characters doesn’t interest me. Maybe if I was younger, I’d get it, but I don’t.” He sighed. “And I don’t think I want to. Let the young go for it.” Oliver shrugged. “I don’t know what to do.”

  Robin always hesitated to give advice to anyone on his tour groups. It was a surefire way to have everything blow up in one’s face. “What do you want to do?” He looked at Oliver, meeting his gaze. “Maybe decide what you want, not what you think he wants, and talk to him.” There. That was as close to actual advice as he was willing to come. Yeah, it was platitudes, but it seemed fairly safe. “Oh, and go get a beer.” He smiled, and Oliver did the same, then headed the same way Javier had gone.

  “You look comfortable,” Mason said as he approached once Oliver had left.

  Robin groaned and closed his eyes. Maybe if he ignored him, Mason would simply go on his way and leave him alone for a little while. “I am.” He stretched out to make the bench seem as uninviting as possible.

  “I was wondering if you wanted to get something to eat?” Mason sat on the edge of the bench anyway. “That was really fabulous. I feel more relaxed and clean than I ever have been in my life. And that building, what a place. That dome under the pool was stunning. I lay in the water just looking up at it.”

  Robin turned. “Mason, for God’s sake, stop talking. Have you ever noticed that when you want to say something but don’t have the guts to, you run on and on about nothing at all? Quit prattling and either say what you want to say or just go get yourself a beer and something to eat.” His patience with Mason was already running thin, and the relaxation hangover from the spa was quickly wearing off.

  “Okay. I see why you’re drawn to Johan. The man is gorgeous. None of the guys could take their eyes off him. Hell, as soon as he stepped into the mineral bath, the air warmed by ten degrees. The guy is smoking hot.” Thankfully Mason kept his voice down, though he hadn’t said anything that wasn’t true.

  “And your point is?”

  “I see the way you look at him, and you two shared a room. It’s so easy for you to think there’s something more there than there actually is. A guy like that, he isn’t going to go for someone like you… or me.” The last part sounded extremely tacked on, probably so he didn’t sound like an ass, but he was already too late. “I’m telling you this as a friend.”

  “You know something? Johan is my driver, and he’s been nice to me.” Robin shifted on the bench so he could look Mason square in the eye. “You know what he said to me when he saw my scars? He said I should hold my head high because those scars said that I had more courage than anyone he’d ever known.” Robin swallowed hard, pushing forward. “And he’s right. You’ve never been through what I have, and hopefully you never will have to. I went through hell, and when I came out the other side, I got a new lease on life. Granted, it’s only a temporary reprieve. The heart they implanted will wear out faster than a normal heart would, and hopefully because of advances in care and medications, the heart will last longer than the ten or twelve years they expect.” He collected his thoughts a second. “Not that I’m saying that anything is going on between Johan and me, but….” He might have wanted there to be something, but he didn’t live his life with his head in the clouds. He’d be more than happy to have Johan as a friend. “But the hardest thing about only having maybe twelve years or so is that I spent nearly half of them with someone like you.” Robin stood and took a few steps toward the beer garden. “I thought you loved me, Mason. I don’t know if you ever did or not. Maybe you were only with me out of pity.”

  “I did love you,” Mason said softly.

  “But not enough to stay, and now that I’m happy, and sure—” Robin shook his head slowly. “—there’s the possibility that I like someone else… you’re jealous. Well, that boat has sailed, and you need to get over yourself. You made your decision, and that’s it.”

  Whatever reaction Robin expected, it wasn’t the laughter he received. “I’m not jealous. You and I had some good times, but I don’t think you’re the guy for me. Just like I don’t think I’m the one for you.”

  “So, what is all this? Why book yourself on my tour and act like you’re my overbearing big brother… like I’m not capable of making my own decisions?” He hardened his expression and waited for an answer he was determined to get.

  “I came on this tour because I wanted to see Germany. And I know you. You’re a good tour guide, and I thought it would be fun.” Mason put his hands in the air. “Look, I’m sorry for the way I broke up with you, and I’m sorry for a lot of things. But I couldn’t get over… certain things.” He turned away. “And you needed to move on with your life, just like I did. But that doesn’t mean that I hate you or wish you ill. You’re a good man, and you deserve someone who will make you happy.”

  “Even if I only have a few years to live?” Robin pressed, glancing up to the spa when he saw movement at the top of the steps. “How about you let me worry about my life and you figure out yours? And as for this friendship you’re so interested in having, why don’t you let me see what kind of friend you can be? Now, I suggest you go get something to drink and some lunch. I have work to do.” It was a brush-off, but he needed some time away from Mason for the moment. Thankfully, Mason heaved himself up and headed off toward the beer garden.

  “Ladies, how was it?” Robin asked as the four of them came down the steps.

  “Liberating,” Lily said with a grin that seemed completely genuine. “I never would have done this while I was with my husband, and it was glorious. I feel like a new woman.” She swung an arm around Margaret’s neck. The others nodded.

  “Awesome.” Robin turned. “Some of the others have headed to the beer garden in the park.” He pointed the way. “There are also restaurants in town. But get something to drink. Did any of you take the waters inside?” When they all nodded, he said, “Okay. The water in the spa is slightly radioactive. So I hope you didn’t drink too much, or you won’t need a night-light.”

  Thankfully they all chuckled at his joke.

  “We’re going to head to town. There was a restaurant I read about in one of the guidebooks that we wanted to try,” Margaret supplied, and the four ladies headed off.

  “The bus leaves at three,” Robin reminded them, and thought about what he wanted for lunch. Damn, it was good to see Lily walking with a lightness in her step, after just a few days. Maybe this tour was what each of them needed.

  Robin directed Billy and Kyle, along with Grant, to the beer garden when they emerged.

  “Are we going to be able to see the Roman ruins?” Grant asked earnestly. The other two rolled their eyes. “Come on, guys. How often do you get to see something that’s two thousand years old?”

  “He’s right. We can go after lunch,” Billy said, looking much better and less hungover, watching Kyle closely. “We can get some lunch—no beer, please—and then go.”

  Robin gave them directions, and they headed off along with the others as they came out. Johan was the last to exit the spa, and he walked right up to Robin.

  “Why did you leave so quickly?” Johan asked, taking Robin’s bag of clothes.

  “The hot sauna and steam rooms put too much strain on me, and I had to be careful because the water is radioactive. I didn’t drink any, and I cut my visit a little short.” There were many things he needed to be careful of, but he’d gotten used to it.

  “Then you need something to drink and some lunch.” Johan took his hand and laced their fingers.

  Robin checked his watch. “Where are we going?” he asked as Johan steered them away from the beer garden.

  “I know a place,” Johan said with a grin, leading him away from the center of town, down a quiet, mostly residential street to a small local restaurant. They went inside, and Johan was greeted by the bartender, as well as the patrons. “This is home,” Johan explained as they slid into chairs at a table in the corner. He called out in German,
and soon a huge Schorle and a beer were brought to the table.

  “Where’s the menu?” Robin responded, in German as well. It seemed this wasn’t a place tourists came. Robin was among the real people of Baden-Baden.

  “Fritz is making us something special,” Johan explained in German, and Robin nodded. Because of the tours he led, most of his life was spoken in English. It was nice to be immersed in German culture and camaraderie for a while. “He’s my brother. This is my family’s restaurant.”

  A huge, muscular man emerged from the kitchen in chef’s whites, and Johan stood to greet his brother. The German was rapid-fire, and Robin had a little trouble keeping up, but he got the gist of what they were saying.

  “He’s good at what he does,” Robin said, coming to Johan’s defense.

  “This is Robin,” Johan said with a smile.

  Fritz stared at him in what Robin could only decipher as disbelief. They shook hands, and Fritz turned back to Johan, motioning for them to sit back down. Then he turned and went back to the kitchen. Robin wondered just what had transpired, but he found out ten minutes later when three women rushed in, sliding them both over in the wooden booth seating.

  The conversation flew quickly in the local dialect, which Robin didn’t catch all of. The words were familiar, but the usage was so different.

  “Mother, Marta, Louisa, this is Robin. He’s the tour guide.” Johan grinned a little nervously. “He speaks German but not Alemannic.” Johan introduced each of them, and Robin wished he could stand to greet them, but he was hemmed in already.

  “May we speak English?” Marta asked. “I’d like to practice. I’m hoping to attend university in America, and I want to better my English.” She had a kind, lilty voice with a sweet face and bright eyes.

  “Of course.” Robin smiled, and she returned it. “So what stories can you tell me about Johan?” he asked.

  His mother’s eyes widened, Louisa snickered, and Marta laughed outright.