Vicky’s forehead wrinkled. “And that explains your weirdness how?”
“Remember when I told you I had a past, and that I was in therapy for a long time before moving here from Michigan?”
Vicky nodded.
“What I didn’t tell you is that I used to depend on anti-anxiety pills to control debilitating panic attacks. I ended up taking a pill last night. They always leave me groggy the next day.”
“But...” Vicky stepped around the reception counter, placing a comforting hand against Laura’s upper arm. “I knew you were running away from something and I’ve never pressed, but what does that have to do with Thayne?”
Laura blinked rapidly, attempting to stave off the inevitable tears. Stupid pills. I know better than taking them. They weaken my emotional defenses when they wear off. “I was engaged right out of high school. My fiancé was a police officer. He didn’t make it to our wedding.”
Vicky sat quickly in the computer chair. “Please tell me he stood you up.”
Great. This is why I don’t tell people. Now I’ll have to make her feel better about it.
Laura wiped a few tears from her cheeks and shook her head, leaning against the desktop. “Everyone told me not to worry. Brian must be running late. He’d be there before the ceremony started, don’t worry because he wouldn’t miss it for the world, blah, blah, blah. They said I should put my dress on. That his best friend, who was also his partner, would sober him up from his bachelor party and have him standing at the end of the aisle by the time the music started.” She snorted, still disgusted with herself after all these years. She should have demanded more answers. “I wanted to believe them. I really did, but I think I knew the truth before Brian’s boss showed up. I just couldn’t admit it to myself.”
“What happened?”
Laura sighed, wishing the numbness from the anti-anxiety pill was still in effect instead of just the hung over feeling. “They got called in as backup right before leaving for Brian’s bachelor party. Domestic violence. Should have been in and out real quick, making sure the primary officers didn’t need assistance, and then on to the party.” She licked her lips, trying to block the memory of the wavering in the captain’s voice as he explained what went wrong—though she never could block that moment. “Not only did the husband beat the shit out of his wife, he opened fire without warning when Brian and his partner stepped inside the house.”
Vicky gasped. “Your fiancé died?”
“Brian and his partner both, and the other two officers on the scene had injuries but recovered. No one told me earlier because they thought Brian would make it. They thought it would be better for me not to worry.” She wiped at more tears. “I enjoyed my bachelorette party, clueless, while my fiancé struggled for his last breaths. I oversaw the caterer and the photographer and talked to the judge performing the ceremony, happy about my future. While I did all this, no one had the courtesy to tell me Brian needed me. He died all alone.”
And now the terror, the horror, was back. Only this time, she worried that something had happened to Thayne. It was well past the time of day he normally visited. He’d promised to return to get her phone number. Even if she couldn’t continue seeing him, Laura had to know he was okay.
Vicky wiped tears from her cheeks and let out a shaky breath. “No wonder you packed up and moved away from your old life. I would have too. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost my husband.”
“You move on, you live, one foot in front of the other.” The world doesn’t stop spinning just because you want to die. “I started therapy and eventually trained as a vet tech. None of it was easy. When my parents moved to New York to be closer to my sister and her kids, I decided to put some distance between me and my old life.”
“Are you still seeing a therapist?”
Laura shook her head. She’d been tempted to call Dr. Preston last night, however. If Thayne didn’t show up today, she’d break down and call, admit she needed help. She couldn’t handle this. What had she been thinking? No matter how sweet and charming Thayne acted, there was no way she wanted to go through that pain again if something happened to him in the line of duty.
Vicky still seemed to be waiting for more of an explanation.
“I graduated from therapy five months ago, after I stopped using the anti-anxiety meds. Last night was the first time I had to resort to them since moving here, though I think about it all the time. It’s a crutch for me. I have pills if I need them, so I never need them. Until now.”
“So being with Thayne changes things?” Vicky asked, then shrugged. “Of course it does. He’s not a police officer, but something could go horribly wrong in a fire or at the scene of an accident. Heck, even when he’s climbing trees and going into drainage ditches to rescue animals.”
Thanks, Vicky. That helps so much! Laura bit the inside of her cheek to keep that sarcastic thought strictly in her brain.
After a few seconds, she felt able to speak again. “I really like Thayne. He’s a nice guy. But I can’t live in fear my whole life. I can’t do that again, not after losing Brian.”
***
Thayne helped Frankie load the last of the hoses onto the truck. The kids loved playing firefighter for a few seconds, seeing whether they could hold onto the powerful spray hose without getting knocked over. Even if Thayne did feel like a fraud teaching fire safety, the kids made it all worthwhile.
The smile on his face was almost as big as the one his date with Laura had caused. Speaking of Laura... Thayne glanced at his watch. It was already past four, and she would be leaving work soon. She probably thought he decided not to see her again. He couldn’t have her think that, because he definitely intended to see her—a lot of her.
“Hey, Frankie, can I ask for a favor?”
Frankie ran a hand through his thick dark hair. “What’s up?”
“I need to stop at the Sunshine Veterinary Clinic on the way back to the firehouse. It’ll only take a minute. Since you’re in charge of driving the truck today, think you can swing it?”
With a crafty wink and a nod, Frankie inspired fear in Thayne’s heart. “As long as I get to speak with your precious cat woman.”
“No, absolutely not. You aren’t supposed to mention her again, remember?” They had discussed rules of being partners throughout the day. One of Thayne’s rules was if Frankie said anything rude about Laura again, the rookie would get a fist up his nose.
“I have to make sure she’s good enough for my partner,” Frankie argued. “Some girls are fickle. If she breaks your heart, I’m the one who has to deal with your whiny ass. I wanna check her out.”
Thayne rolled his eyes. No matter how vehemently he insisted Frankie was not and never would be his friend, the kid just didn’t get it. “Never mind. We don’t have time to stop there and get the truck unloaded before our shift’s over. I don’t want to stop after all.”
“You afraid I’ll steal her away once she gets a look at this hot bod?” Frankie ran his hands down his torso. “I understand your worry.”
“Yeah, right,” Carlos, another rookie said. “You’re already too busy with Bimbo and Barbie to add another potential date to the mix.”
“It’s Bambi and Candy.” Frankie frowned. “And I kinda blew my chances with them last night when I took a break and went to see them.”
Despite his better judgment, Thayne was curious. Yesterday, Frankie had been certain both girls wanted him. “What did you do?”
“They seemed so into me.” Frankie shrugged. “I asked them for a ménage à trois.”
Thayne groaned. “I don’t care if they’re strippers, rookie. Ladies still like to be treated as such. Didn’t you only meet them a few nights ago?”
“It’s not my fault. They were both hot and heavy with me and I thought, why not? I mean, it’s not like I couldn’t satisfy them both.”
Carlos scoffed, mumbling something in Spanish under his breath that made Frankie’s face turn red.
“Shut up, dic
kwad,” Frankie said.
Thayne needed to learn Spanish, especially with Frankie as his partner. That kid would often spout off a streak of words that only the other Hispanic firefighters could hope to follow. “What’d you say, Carlos?”
He chuckled. “I said that sure he could handle them both, but only if they brought along a dildo and the girls helped each other out. This puta couldn’t please one woman, let alone two.”
Thayne laughed, and Frankie pouted, the air deflating from his puffed-up chest.
“You’re wrong, Carlos. I could make them both happy... without props.”
This whole scenario spelled trouble. Trouble for Frankie, anyway. The guys would have a great time with this bit of gossip.
Thayne clapped a hand against Frankie’s back. “Here’s my first lesson as your partner, kid. Don’t talk about love life disasters where any of the guys can hear.”
“Yeah,” Carlos agreed. “Because you’ll never live it down. Seriously, asking for a three-way with chicks you barely know? And getting shot down.” Carlos laughed again, moving away from them to throw more gear on the truck.
“Well, shit,” Frankie whined. “He’s going to tell all the guys.”
“Yep. He will,” Thayne agreed, “so learn to keep your mouth shut and stop bragging all the time. Let’s get back to the station.”
Chapter Five
He just doesn’t want to date me. He thinks I’m weird, so didn’t come by the clinic. I offended him by not trying his dad’s sauce right away.
Laura picked up the kitten, pacing the apartment floor while scratching beneath Snips’s chin. “I can say that all I want, Snips, but I don’t think Thayne would do that.”
Snips batted at Laura’s nose in response.
“Great, I’m having a meltdown and the cat I should never have named doesn’t even care.” Laura set the kitten back down, pulling her cell phone from her pocket.
Surely Dr. Preston would no longer be in her office, since they had a two-hour time difference, but maybe she’d pick up her cell phone. Laura always hated bothering the therapist at home, but her panic was mounting again. She didn’t want to take another pill, but if this kept up, she’d have no choice. Dr. Preston had always been able to talk her down from the proverbial ledge.
Just as she was about to connect the call, a knock sounded on the front door. Laura startled, nearly dropping the phone. Snips tore out of the living room and scooted into the bedroom, frightened as well.
Maybe someone came to tell me Thayne had an accident after all. Maybe he’s been at the hospital asking for me, or... Well, that doesn’t make sense. We only had one date. And it wasn’t even a date.
The person outside her door pounded again, this time louder.
Laura’s entire body shook to the point she could hardly stand, her anxiety completely overwhelming her. She couldn’t even call out to ask who was there, let alone cross the room to answer the door. Thayne was dead. She just knew it.
Stop it, Laura! You’re not being rational. If Thayne were in trouble, they wouldn’t know to contact you. It has to be a salesman.
“Come on, Laura, open up. I know you’re upset that I didn’t show up today, but I have a good reason,” Thayne’s muffled voice said before he went back to pounding.
Laura let out a shaky breath and lurched a step forward. It felt like an eternity, and she couldn’t loosen her vocal cords enough to call out, but she finally made it to the doorway and unlocked the deadbolt.
Before she even fully opened it, Thayne was inside. His arms wrapped around her shoulders and hugged her tight to his chest while he talked a mile a minute.
“I got assigned a new partner and Frankie’s not the kind of guy I wanted to subject you to. Sorry I didn’t make it to the clinic. We had community days today. I forgot about it and by the time we were finished there—” He cut off abruptly, pulling back and looking into her eyes. His deep green ones narrowed with concern. “What’s wrong? Has something happened?”
Laura licked her lips and opened her mouth to speak, but the words couldn’t get past the knot of anxiety blocking her throat.
“You’re trembling. What happened to you?” He cupped his hand against her cheek, caressing it softly. “Talk to me, please. What’s wrong?”
“I... need... my... purse.” It was hard to choke the words out.
Thayne seemed to understand. “Hang on.” He scooped her into his arms as though she weighed nothing and carried her to the loveseat, laying her gently against the cushions. “I’ll find it.”
Laura closed her eyes, hearing Thayne rummaging through the apartment. She focused on her breathing exercises, trying to slow her heart rate and calm the panic. It wasn’t as if Thayne were injured. Why couldn’t she get rid of the anxiety?
As Thayne came back, crouching on the carpet in front of her and waving her black purse in his hand, the answer hit her.
Because I have to tell him goodbye, and I don’t want to.
“What do you need?” he asked.
“A pill. Small pocket inside.” She was glad Thayne understood she needed help because she still felt too shaken to handle the zipper on the purse herself.
After some slight digging, the sound of the small zipper hiding the pocket inside the purse penetrated the silence. Thayne pulled out a small pink pill. “This?”
She nodded and took it from him, swallowing it down while still trying to breathe.
“I recognize that. It’s an anti-anxiety pill, isn’t it?”
Laura nodded, too exhausted to do anything but tell him the truth. She had forgotten he was a medic. He probably looked at her as a patient right now, and not girlfriend material, but at least he understood what was happening.
Thayne hopped up from the floor, disappearing from sight. He returned moments later with a glass of water. He knelt down, holding the cup to her mouth.
Laura took it from him. “I can do it.” Water sloshed in the cup and over her chin, but mostly made it inside her mouth to wash the pill down.
Thayne set the water glass on the floor and then sat on the couch, pulling her into his arms and running a hand soothingly across her back. “What caused this? I didn’t even know you had panic attacks.”
I should tell him to stop. I need to send him away.
She knew she should, but his arms felt so safe, comforting. It had been a long time since she experienced that sensation. It wouldn’t hurt to let him hold her while the pill finished working. Of course, she took an entire dose, so by the time it kicked in, she’d be too groggy to tell him they had to quit seeing each other.
With a sigh, she pulled away. “It’s you.”
“What’s me?” He brushed hair from her forehead and placed a soft kiss on it. “I don’t understand.”
Laura blinked back tears. Why does he have to be so damn perfect? He’s sweet and kind... and loves to run into burning buildings.
That was a deal breaker. She couldn’t handle that part.
Licking her lips, she leaned further away from him. “Tell me something, Thayne. Why are you so determined to date me?”
“What kind of question is that?” he countered, frowning slightly.
“I just can’t figure it out, that’s all.” She paused and shook her head. “Rather, I think I have it worked out, but I want to hear you admit it.”
“Okay, fine. You’re nice, pretty, you care about animals, I like to hear you laugh, and I think we could have a lot of fun.” His eyebrows drew together—he looked hurt, a bit confused. Somehow, he sensed what she was about to do.
“I know I’m probably the only girl ever to tell you no. Is that part of the reason you’re so persistent?”
“What do you...?” His head jerked upright, his gaze sharp, angry as he looked down his nose at her. “Do you think I’m trying to play you? I’d think after six weeks of me working to win you over, you’d know that isn’t the case. I could have gone after someone easier if it really weren't you I wanted to be with.”
&nbs
p; He’s angry? Shouldn’t I be the one upset here? He’s perfect, and I can’t be with him.
She touched his forearm lightly, trying to calm him. She didn’t want to piss him off or hurt him, but she needed to understand what was going on so she could be okay about ending things. “What happens if I sleep with you? Do you still have any interest in me tomorrow?”
He jerked his arm away from her touch. “You think I’m some asshole just trying to get in your pants?”
Well, shit. He’s really upset now. I misjudged him. Problem is, I knew that already. He’s not that type of man.
“Look, you’re a nice guy, but way out of my league. You’re a sex god, for crying out loud, a ten plus. I’m a five, at best. You could have anyone you—”
“Stop!” Thayne hopped from the couch to pace the living room. “Either I’m a dick just looking to screw your brains out and move on to the next girl, or I’m too good for you and couldn’t possibly really want you. That’s your take on me? So which is it, Laura? What do you think my particular brand of assholeness is?”
Laura looked at her hands. At least their shaking had stopped. “I don’t know what to think,” she whispered. “I’m just not ready for dating yet, and I definitely can’t date a fireman. I haven’t even thought about having a relationship, not since...”
Not since Brian, but Thayne didn’t know who that was and might not understand. Brian was perfect, just like Thayne, and it didn’t stop him from getting killed on the job. She couldn’t risk it again. She couldn’t love someone and lose them.
“Yeah? Well, I’ve thought about a relationship, one with you.” He stopped in front of her. “Don’t you dare think I’m an asshole looking for a quick lay. That’s not fair. I’ve been far too patient to be that guy. I’m pissed off you’d think that.”
Laura stared at his shoes, afraid if she looked into his face, she’d lose her conviction. “Nothing can happen between us. I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be with you. Go find a girl better suited to you. Someone you aren’t ashamed to introduce to your new partner. I’m not that girl.”
Blazing Love Page 4
