But she had to. She would not cost this good man another sleepless night like the past two. She’d heard his pacing as she, too, lay awake.
She forced herself to release him, to slip from his welcoming harbor and to blink her tears away. “You’re not supposed to make me cry, Dad.” Maybe it was better to acknowledge it.
He looked up, his own eyes red. “Don’t tell a soul, but I’m about one blubber away from doing that myself.”
“Like you said, it’s only two weeks before you’ll be back.” She wiped her eyes and found a smile. This time it was easier because she was looking at his dear face. “And you’ve already knocked out more than half my wish list, so I’d better get busy adding to it.”
His expression showed gratitude for the change of topic. “Sophie’s place is looking more attractive all the time,” he blustered. “She doesn’t make me work.”
“Yeah, but you can get gourmet meals and luxury bedding anywhere, right? Sophie can’t provide barking dogs next door and Mrs. Lucero’s rooster at five in the morning.”
Her father laughed and rose. “We should suggest both to her.”
There. They had pulled themselves back from the brink.
She hugged his waist and walked companionably with him toward the rental car where Zane, Roan, Diego and Caroline were waiting with her mother, with whom she’d already shared a long goodbye.
“I will ask you one thing, Sunshine.” Her father’s voice was serious again.
“Anything for you.”
“Would you give your old dad a call for the next few days? Let me know how you are?”
She made her smile brilliant, rose to her toes to hug him and kiss his weathered cheek. “Absolutely,” she whispered to him. “I promise. I love you so much, Dad.”
One more hug that lifted her off her feet, then he set her down and turned to his wife, who held out her hand.
It nearly broke Jenna’s heart to see his shoulders round. “I’m working on that list already,” she teased, though her throat was tight.
“Work, work, work,” he grumbled as he climbed in.
Diego shut their door and turned to her. “We can be here in a matter of hours, Bright Eyes.”
“Please don’t make me cry again. I’ll be all right, I swear.”
He hesitated. “And will he? Your Roman?”
She smiled past her despair. “I can’t say he’s my Roman, and the answer is, I don’t know. He’s revealed almost nothing about his past and now he’s vanished altogether.” Well, from her, at least.
“Would you like me to stay and talk to him?”
“I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again, truthfully.”
He drew her close, pressed a kiss to her hair. “Some people can’t be saved, even by you, little sister. He may be one of them.”
“I so don’t want to believe that, but you may be right.”
“Focus on Jenna for now. I’m never more than a phone call away.”
“I know that.”
“Here’s something to look forward to. When I called Mama Lalita to tell her when we’d get in, she said perhaps she could attend the wedding after all.”
“Really?” Jenna’s smile was genuine. “That would be fantastic!” And if somehow she could get Roman to meet Mama Lalita, and her grandmother could perform her magic on him as she had Diego…
“Zane’s had a standing offer to her that he would fly her down himself and make her trip much less difficult.” He grinned. “She’s never flown before.”
“Wow. Can you imagine making your first flight at the age of ninety-three? I’d like to be on that plane with her.” She bent to look into the car. “Even if Hotshot is the pilot.” She made a face at Zane, who returned the favor.
“You two…” Diego chuckled, and she imagined that he, too, drew relief from the things that hadn’t changed, like Jenna and Zane tormenting each other playfully.
One more hug, then she stepped away. “I love you all. Now get out of here before you change into pumpkins.”
She stood in her driveway and watched them pull out, a smile firmly planted on her face as she waved until they were out of sight.
Then she sighed. Let her face fall.
The loneliness stole from the shadows to settle leaden over her shoulders.
She faced the little house she had loved since the first day she saw it. She forced herself to look at the driveway, at the back passenger door of the car she hadn’t been able to get in since that night. At the spot where something in her had changed forever.
A small shudder ran through her, but she wouldn’t let herself run back into the house. Instead she kept her steps even and slow as she made the first shaky attempt at reclaiming her home. Her life.
* * *
HONEY, ARE YOU SURE you don’t want us to stay one more night? Her mother’s concern was on her mind as Jenna rose the next morning.
I wanted you to stay forever, Mom, but I couldn’t let you. She had to find her way back to the person she’d been, to the fearlessness that had always been part of her.
But after a very long night spent jumping at every random noise, daylight was a blessing. She went into her room and started pulling clothes out of her closet. April had insisted that she had things in hand at the office, but she was the intern, not the executive. She didn’t have the big picture, couldn’t know—
Blast you, stop shaking, she ordered the fingers suddenly so inept at buttoning her blouse.
Focus. One button. That’s all, just one.
With the intense concentration of a five-year-old, she worked the disc through the opening, smoothed the fabric across and beneath.
Okay. You can do this.
One button, then two. Finally she managed to get herself dressed and to slip on a pair of heels that had always made her feel tall and in control. She grabbed her purse and her laptop case, then checked around for what else she should take.
This house was so empty. She was so alone.
Never before in her life had she felt that she had no one. Oh, she could call Jesse or Cade or Vince or JD. Any of them would come escort her to her car or drive her instead.
But then she would truly be a victim. Definitely be as helpless as they all were inclined to believe.
You can do this. People survive far worse every day.
Which reminded her of Roman for only about the ten-thousandth time. Where are you, Roman? Are you all right?
Why won’t you come see me?
Especially since, out of everyone, somehow he was the only one she really wanted with her.
One hand on the doorknob, Jenna clasped an image to her, that of her mother who, despite her own diminutive stature, always stood so straight and regal. She pictured Lucia, who had never let life defeat her, no matter how difficult her circumstances.
Something inside Jenna that she’d taken for granted had been breached, and there was a gaping hole in her chest where her easy assurance had always been.
She’d always considered herself so strong.
Fake it till you make it. She could do that, of course. But how could she get back what she’d lost?
She had no idea. All she knew to do right now was keep moving forward.
Jenna opened the door and walked out into a world that seemed forever altered.
* * *
ARE YOU OKAY?
What are you doing here so soon?
Don’t you think you should…?
The questions continued all day. She understood her callers meant well, but she just wanted to put the attack behind her. She was still at the office after night fell, trying to catch up on all she’d missed. The encroaching darkness made her nervous, yes, but she was going to do her best not to give in to her fear. April had a study group and hadn�
�t been able to stay, though she’d offered. Jenna’s family had checked in on her, and she’d lied about her whereabouts, told them she was tucked in bed, resting, reading a good book.
Though she didn’t have the concentration for any of that. She had to reread everything, sometimes twice or more. She’d turned on internet radio on her laptop once April left, just to have the company.
But then she’d snapped it off because she wouldn’t be able to hear if someone was creeping up behind her.
Stupid. This is ridiculous, Jenna. Head in hands, she stared down at the battered desk.
She was ready to jump out of her skin.
And she still had to cross the gauntlet of the street outside, the darkened parking lot. The drive home and then—
She put a hand on the phone. She could call Vince right now, and he’d be here to escort her. Any of them would.
No. She removed her hand again. Curled her fingers into a fist.
You have to reclaim your life. You can’t cower from the night. If she did, she might as well start packing for West Texas.
Mako was in jail, she knew that. But he had his posse.
That wasn’t the point. The world was no more dangerous than it had been a few nights ago.
It was her. She was different. She’d lost the certainty that had always bolstered her. She’d never been truly afraid before.
Now she couldn’t seem to be anything else.
If you don’t do this on your own now, it will only get worse. She rose, clumsily going through the motions of the daily shutdown that once had been second nature. Turn off the copier. Then the printer. Wash out the coffeepot. Straighten your desk.
Pick up your things, walk to the door.
Get out your keys.
As she fingered them, she remembered Mako’s shriek of pain as she’d jammed the sharp points of her keys into his eyes. Remembered dropping them, running.
Then being slammed hard into the ground as he tore away her clothes and—
Jenna sank against the wall, curled into herself. What little courage she’d summoned evaporated. She pressed her forehead to the door, heart beating so hard she felt faint.
I can’t do this.
* * *
SHE CROUCHED IN THE darkness of her office, huddled against the door, and every two seconds, she pulled out her phone and stared at it like the lifeline it was.
Her stomach hurt. Her head pounded. She tried very hard to remember her yoga breathing. To calm down.
After a long time, she managed to get to her feet. To pick up everything she’d dropped, her pace that of an old woman.
One step at a time. One thing. Just do this one thing. And then the next.
Finally she made it outside, keys brandished between her knuckles, pepper spray in the other hand. She practically ran to her car and, once inside, she locked every door, started the engine and bolted out of the lot.
All the way home, her eyes saw nothing, her teeth were clenched, her jaws tight, fingers locked on the wheel.
At last she made it into her driveway.
But she couldn’t make herself get out.
* * *
THERE. FINALLY. Roman took his first deep breath in an hour of waiting.
He’d been going out of his mind, waiting. Imagining the worst. Three times he’d almost left, but he had no idea where to look for her. Where was her family? Why was she alone?
He watched for her to emerge from the car, but she didn’t. He rose to his feet. She still hadn’t come out. What was wrong?
He crossed the street and approached her vehicle.
At last she opened the door and got out.
“Are you all right?”
Jenna started screaming.
Oh, God. He should have thought— “Jenna, it’s me.” Swiftly he moved around her, keeping his distance as he put himself in her line of sight. Her face was pale as death, her eyes wide pools of horror. “Jenna, you’re okay. It’s me. Roman.” He wanted to touch her, to hold her and reassure her, but she was backing away as if she didn’t recognize him.
“Jenna.” He held his hands out, palms up. “Honey, it’s only me. You’re safe. No one’s going to harm you.”
She stared at him, but she was somewhere else.
Then finally, she spoke. “Roman?”
“Yes. I’m sorry I startled you. I didn’t mean—”
“I’m so scared,” she blurted, her voice a hoarse whisper. “I don’t know what to do.”
“I’m here.” He extended one arm carefully. “Would you take my hand?”
She glanced down. She was in the same spot where he’d found her, where Mako had retaliated against Roman by hurting her. Gripped in a nightmare he cursed himself for causing. The tunnel loomed, the hollow drone growing louder.
He squeezed his eyes shut for a second. Get your head straight. Do not go there. She needs you.
He opened his eyes. “Jenna,” he said softly. “Will you let me hold you?”
When she looked up, her gaze was tortured. “I have to be okay by myself. Everybody counts on that. I’m never afraid.” Her voice faded with each word, then her face crumpled. “How do I feel strong again?” Barely a whisper now. “How do I get it back?”
He wasn’t sure she knew that tears were sliding down her cheeks. Seeing them tore his heart out. “You don’t have to be strong all the time,” he began. “It’s okay to be scared.”
“But everybody expects… It used to be so easy and now…” She cast her gaze to the ground. “I don’t know how to smile anymore, not for real. I—tried. I went to work. I talked to people but I…” Her head lifted, and her eyes were pools of torment and confusion. “I pretended. I’m not…me.”
She was so small, so wounded. This was all on him. He had no right to be here with her, but hell if he was walking away when she was hurting. He took a slow, careful step toward her, and when she didn’t shrink away, he took another. “You don’t have to be sunny with me,” he said.
Her head started shaking, and he realized that the rest of her was trembling, too. He closed his arms around her, gently and cautiously. When she didn’t resist, he gathered her in closer.
She remained stiff with silent misery.
Then suddenly she pressed into him and gripped him hard. Dug her fingers into his shirt.
He tightened his embrace and wished to hell he never had to let her go.
Her head tilted back, blue eyes soft and open. “I was so afraid I’d never see you again.”
God help him, he could no more resist her than stop breathing. “I’m here” was all he could manage.
“I shouldn’t need you this much.”
“You let everybody in the world lean on you—when do you get to lean?” he asked. “There’s no shame in feeling weak after what you’ve been through.”
So she did just that, pressed her cheek to his chest, her whole body against the length of his. It was the most peaceful he’d felt in longer than he could remember.
“I’m afraid to be outside my house,” she murmured, as if uttering the darkest of confessions.
He cast a glance toward the porch, swathed in shadows. “Why don’t we go sit on the swing for a bit? Might make you more comfortable with the night.”
Her gaze was grateful. “Seems like cheating if I’m not doing it by myself.”
“Just consider me a transition.” Which was all he could ever be to her, but he seized the opportunity gladly. Slowly he turned her in his arms, keeping her firmly against his side, though he really wanted to sweep her up and bear her away. “You’re too strong to feel weak forever, but tonight, let me help.”
They walked across her yard and up the steps. Their feet tangled once, but he quickly steadied her. “Would you like a flashlight?”
> “Yes, but…” She inhaled a ragged breath. “I’m not going to use one or I’m afraid I’ll never…” She shook her head sadly. “I used to love sitting out here in the dark. I felt so safe.”
She settled on the swing, piled with cushions. When he hesitated, she looked up at him. “I’ll be all right if you don’t want to stay.” But her voice trembled faintly.
“It’s not that I don’t want to,” he began. But it wouldn’t be good for you to get closer to me. To depend on me.
But the rounding of her shoulders stopped him from uttering those words. “I’m not leaving until you’re ready for me to go.” He lowered himself to the cushions.
She sat beside him stiffly, hands clasped in her lap. She seemed small and fragile, bereft of that lion’s heart that had always been such a part of her.
He was so afraid of hurting her. Of disappointing her.
But she was hurting already, and it tore at him.
Gingerly he placed an arm around her shoulders, then drew her close. In the same moment, he used his foot to send them swinging.
Jenna sighed and relaxed against him. Slowly her clenched fingers loosened. Her head came to rest on his shoulder. After a bit, she drew her legs up and turned a little more into him, resting her bent knees atop his thigh.
In the silence they rocked, the motion hypnotic and soothing, for him as much as it was for her.
Then she tilted her head back. “Roman…” Her eyes in the fragments of moonlight were deep and mysterious, beautiful and glistening with a longing that echoed in his heart. “Would you kiss me?”
The words were so soft he could have imagined them. Might have come from his own soul-deep yearnings.
But it didn’t matter. Like iron filings to a magnet, he bent to her. Touched her lips with his own.
In that moment, the world went silent and still. The only sounds were the quickening thump of his heart and the voice inside him crying out to have her, to keep her, to hold her this way forever.
Her kiss swiftly heated with a bittersweet desperation, with an aching power that had the hair rising up on his neck. He couldn’t trust his control, he badly wanted to just let go, to steep himself in her. “Jenna, I don’t know if—”
A Life Rebuilt Page 22
