* * *
What Zack wanted to do was flee the house, maybe go to the beach and run on the wet sand until he forgot what had just happened, until his legs and lungs burned and his only decision was whether to push on. He grabbed his truck keys from his room and headed to the entryway where his shoes were.
“Hey.” Ryan’s deep voice pulled Zack up short. This was his best friend, the guy who got him through the rehab for his broken leg, and Zack couldn’t just blow him off. Ryan sat alone on the couch, flipping through games on Pike’s TV streaming system and his expression was blessedly bland, not all uber-concerned like Josiah had been. “Play me a round of Absolute Firepower?”
Zack hesitated by his shoes. “Are you going to make me talk?”
“Nope. Come shoot targets with me.” Ryan patted the sofa next to him, and still on autopilot, Zack went and collapsed next to him. “I figure Josiah and Pike are about to do enough talking for all of us. We can do a few rounds before they get back in here.”
Zack groaned. Fuck. He should have guessed that Ryan had heard everything. “Better not be talking. I warned—”
Ryan raised both eyebrows, giving him a “Really, bro?” look, and Zack clammed up. Fuck. You deserve that look. How big of an asshole was he thinking that he could stop Pike from talking to one of his best friends? Of course, Pike and Josiah were going to need to dissect the cell phone incident of the decade. And Zack really couldn’t blame Pike for that clusterfuck either—that was all on him. He’d willingly gone into Pike’s room last night, joyfully watched the porn with him, and happily slept in and completely forgot about his stupid clothes until the moment he heard the ringing coming from Pike’s room.
“I suck, don’t I?” he said to Ryan at last.
Ryan responded by handing him a controller. “Nope. Although, I gotta say your guy’s taste in porn needs some serious improvement. But the way I figure it, you were curious, and Pike was—”
“That’s not it.” God, it would be so easy to blame this whole mess on Pike, but Zack wasn’t the kind of guy who sold out a buddy for something that was all his doing. And the “your guy” that Ryan had so casually tossed in smacked into Zack’s heart—it didn’t matter what he was or was not comfortable discussing with the outside world. Pike was his guy. “I’m not curious.”
“So it was a onetime thing? Plenty of guys try stuff.” Ryan’s voice was warm and reassuring.
“No.” Zack sighed. “I mean...we’ve kind of got a...thing going.”
Ryan didn’t look one bit surprised. “I see.”
“Please don’t tell me you suspected all along or some crap like that.” Zack scrolled aimlessly through the game’s menu, anything to take his eyes off his friend’s face.
Ryan squeezed his arm, a gesture he’d never done before. “I’m always going to be honest with you. And the last few weeks whenever you mention Pike on the phone or in chat, you just seem so...lit up. Not gonna lie, I expected him to drive you batshit crazy, but then today you kept looking at him like he invented sunshine.”
“But you thought you knew...” Hell. Zack still couldn’t get the words out. His stomach heaved and he had to swallow the bile back down. “About me. Since the beginning?”
Ryan nodded slowly. “I had an idea. But you’ve gotta understand, I’ve got a decade’s worth of life on you. It’s nothing specific that you did. I’m just good at hunches.”
“If you guessed, everyone else will sooner or later.” Fuck, this was totally Zack’s worst fears come to life. True this was one of his best friends, who knew him only too well, but if people were going to start guessing...
“I’m not going to tell.” Ryan’s hand was a warm pressure on his arm. “That has to be all you. But if you’re dating another guy, that’s going to be a big clue for people, and may save you any big speeches.”
“I’m not...” Oh fuck. He really was, wasn’t he? What did you think you were doing all these weeks? “We’ve never been on a date,” he finished lamely, even though last night might kind of count if he’d let it.
Ryan’s laugh filled the room. “So the grand plan is to never leave the house?”
“When you put it that way,” Zack grumbled because that was exactly the plan. “He’s cool with...being on the down-low.”
Ryan’s stare said Zack was nuts, and he was probably not wrong. And Zack knew he wasn’t being fair at all to the guy who was coming to mean everything to him. Pike wouldn’t say no to the occasional meal out or a movie or more shopping together—the little everyday things that sent Zack running because of fear something like this might happen.
“We’ll work it out,” he said to Ryan finally, grateful that Ryan wasn’t one to fill thoughtful silence with mindless chatter.
“I’m sure you will. But while you’re...figuring stuff out, I know plenty of people still on base—gay, lesbian, bi, queer. That’s where I was this morning—anniversary celebration for some friends. When I lived here, a bunch of us would get together for a meal every so often. After DADT got repealed, our friendship circle really grew. And these are guys who really know what it means to be out and in uniform. They can help—”
Fuck. Zack’s hands started shaking at the thought of meeting others from the base, having them know, and hell...the idea of his team knowing was enough to have him sweating heavily, T-shirt sticking to him. “I’m not ready for that.” Not ever going to be ready for that.
“Okay. Fair enough. But the offer still stands. Whenever you’re ready. Those friends...they’re like family to me, and they’d welcome you—and Pike—no questions asked. And several of them are SEALs—you’re not the only gay or bi guy on the teams. Not by a long shot.”
Zack tried to visualize a future where he took Ryan up on his offer, where he had a large friendship circle of LGBTQ friends, where he had Pike at the center of all that...and simply couldn’t. But he also couldn’t envision a life without Pike. Fuck. When had his life become such a FUBAR mess?
“They’re not on my team.” His voice was gruff, but he was past caring. “We gonna play or what?” He clicked the controller.
“Hey.” Ryan stilled his hand. “Someone giving you trouble? You know that’s not okay, right?”
“Can we play?” Zack’s voice cracked. He just wasn’t equipped to deal with this. Couldn’t see the same rosy vision of a future as Ryan, could only see all the ways things were going to blow up in his face, very, very soon.
Chapter Sixteen
“Hey, have you seen Nectarine? I can’t find her.” Pike stuck his head in Zack’s room.
“Try my closet.” Zack was on his bed, a book of maps on one side of him, a crime novel on the other. He didn’t meet Pike’s eyes, but he also didn’t call him on the trumped-up reason for bothering him.
As far as excuses went, this one was particularly thin, but Pike had wanted to check on both cats after Josiah and Ryan left. And it wasn’t his fault that Zack had been barely civil when he and Josiah had rejoined him and and Ryan in the living room. They’d messed around with the Space Villager expansion pack, but it was painfully obvious that none of their minds were really in the game. Nor was it his problem that Zack had escaped to his room the second Ryan and Josiah left. Pike had channeled his frustration over the obvious snub into a couple of hours of grading. Now he just wanted to find his damn cat and go to bed. Alone.
Sure enough, he found Nectarine huddled in the back of Zack’s nearly empty closet. She gave an unhappy meow when Pike lifted her up. “What’s the matter, girl? The big bad scary men are gone, I promise.” Emerging from the closet, he said to Zack, “I’m worried about her. I haven’t seen her all day, and I don’t think she’s eaten. She didn’t come when I put out the wet food after the guys left.”
“Let me see?” Zack got off the bed and held out his arms, so Pike passed the cat over. Zack set her on the bed
and peered into her eyes, ran a thumb over her nose and gently ran his hands all over her. “Her eyes don’t look sick or pained, and her nose feels normal. She’s not howling in pain...maybe see how she’s doing tomorrow, then look up reviews for San Diego vets if she’s still not eating. But you know how she gets around strangers.”
“Not around you.” Yeah. Pike did know. And it rankled a bit that Zack knew his freaking cats so well but seemed to be holding a grudge of some kind against him for God knew what reason. Because he hadn’t rushed after him and had instead talked to Josiah, one of his best friends in the world? Because he’d needed to talk to someone? Because he hadn’t realized about the cell phone sooner?
“Well, I’m special.” Zack continued petting the cat, offering Pike a shy smile.
“That you are.” Pike’s throat burned. “Well, uh, I better—”
“Don’t go.” Zack stopped him as he was about to lift the cat. “She’s happy in here. But if you’re worried about her, you could sl—”
“Seriously? You’re going to ghost me all night and then give me a reason why I could stay in here? Why?”
“I’m not good at talking.” Zack sat back down on the bed next to the cat. “I’m still making sense of Ryan and Josiah knowing about us, not sure how I feel.”
“It doesn’t have to change anything.” The words felt jagged in his mouth. Josiah would be throwing something at him, telling him he couldn’t keep enabling Zack to stay closeted, but Josiah wasn’t here right now with Zack, who had such pain in his pale blue eyes and whose mouth was an almost invisible line while his hands were shaking.
“Not a thing.” Pike sat next to Zack, grabbed his hand. “So what if Ryan and Josiah know? They won’t tell. And it doesn’t change what we’ve got going here.”
“Oof.” Pike’s head hit one of the pillows as Zack responded by tugging him into an embrace, ending up with both of them lying down, Zack wrapped around him, face buried in his hair.
“You’re not going to be happy with this forever,” Zack mumbled into Pike’s neck.
“You not being out?” Hell, now Pike was the one who really didn’t want to be having this conversation. Because there was a universe where Pike could picture being happy forever. Unfortunately, it just wasn’t this one they lived in. “Yeah, I need...need us to be real, you know? Eventually.”
“We are real.” Zack pressed a kiss to the back of Pike’s neck. “I’m just not ready.”
“I know.” Pike pulled Zack’s arms tighter around him, snuggling in deeper. “And I’m trying to be patient.”
“You shouldn’t have to.” Misery dripped from Zack’s voice, made Pike hold on to him that much tighter. “You deserve better—”
Pike rolled so they were face-to-face, silencing Zack with a kiss. “Why don’t you let me decide what I deserve?”
“Am I an asshole for not wanting this to end? For wanting you to wait for me?”
“No.” Pike knew that Josiah would have opinions on that topic, on what Pike was putting up with. Josiah knew Pike’s history with Roger and had seemed torn between fear that Pike was somehow going to hurt Zack and worry that Pike was doomed for a Roger-esque repeat.
Pike wasn’t sure how all this would shake out, but ending it now would hurt. Both of them, if he believed Zack that he cared, that this thing between them was real.
He dropped a soft kiss on Zack’s lips, testing, and Zack responded with a grateful hum, whole body going pliant against him.
“Need you,” Zack whispered. “Need us.”
His strong arms held Pike tight, and right then, for that night, that warm embrace and his sweet words were enough. It had to be. Pike couldn’t think about the day when it wouldn’t be enough.
* * *
Something’s not right. Zack’s neck prickled as he turned into the driveway, parking next to the Dumpster. The front door to the house stood open, as did Pike’s car door. Heart beating as if he’d just done fifteen miles on the beach, Zack leaped from the truck.
“Pike?” He called as he entered the house, doing a quick sweep of the living room. Unlike a number of the guys on the team who lived off base, Zack didn’t own a personal firearm, but right then, it didn’t matter—if there was trouble, he’d attack it barehanded. And win.
“Here.” Pike’s voice was thready as he came into the front hall, hefting a cat carrier with him. “I’m leaving though.”
“Leaving?” Oh fuck. Zack had figured this might be coming after the weekend, but not yet. Just a little more time. A little more time to figure this shit out. That’s all I need.
Some of Zack’s utter terror must have shown on his face, because Pike slowed down. “For the vet. The emergency vet. Nectarine still hasn’t eaten that I’ve seen, and she just vomited blood. Fuck. I can’t...” Pike swiped a shaking hand across his face. “I’m not ready... She’s only six... Fuck.”
“It’s going to be okay.” Zack did the only thing that made sense right then and took Pike in a swift, hard embrace, cat carrier and all. “Where’s the vet? I’m coming with you.”
“What? You don’t have to do that. You just put in twelve hours on base.”
“You need me,” Zack said simply. And yeah, he’d had a long day, one complicated by the news that they’d be going wheels up on OCONUS training sometime in the next seventy-two hours, testing their readiness by not knowing the exact time they’d be summoned to base. “And you shouldn’t drive in this state.”
“Okay.” It was a sign of how upset Pike was that he didn’t fight him when Zack took the cat carrier and handled locking up the house as well as Pike’s car. He ushered Pike to his truck, opening the door for him and settling the cat carrier on Pike’s lap.
“It’s going to be all right.” Zack tried to sound like he believed it, but he didn’t promise because he couldn’t guarantee it, which bugged the shit out of him. He needed to make this all right for Pike.
The all-hours emergency vet clinic was located in a strip mall between a Mexican restaurant and a carpet store. A sympathetic young woman with a round face wearing scrubs with tiny dogs on the smock greeted them and showed them to an exam room.
“You’re lucky we’re not too busy tonight,” she said. “The vet should be with you shortly.”
Opening the carrier, Pike took Nectarine out, cuddled her close amid some unhappy squawks.
“I should have figured out she was sick on Sunday night.” Zack paced in front of them. What symptom had he missed? He’d nursed enough creatures back to health as a kid, he should have been able to spot this for Pike.
“It’s not your fault.” Pike’s voice was muffled as he buried his face in the cat’s fur, dropping a kiss on her head.
“Mr. Reynolds?” A middle-aged woman with impressive dreads knocked before coming into the room. “And this must be Nectarine. I’m Doctor Kapowski.”
Pike put the cat up on the table where the doctor proceeded to examine her with lots of clucks and other soft noises.
“I’d like to send her back for some tests. We should look at her liver panel, make sure she didn’t get into some poisonous substance, and look at the other blood work just to be safe, and I’d like to do an abdominal ultrasound as well. We can’t rule out the possibility of obstruction.”
“Okay,” Pike said. “Is she going to be okay?”
“I can’t say yet.” The vet gave them both a sad smile. “But we’re going to do absolutely everything we can. I’ll send Nectarine back with Monica for her tests, and you can both wait in the waiting area if you want, or you can go and we can call—”
“We’ll wait,” Zack said quickly. No way was Pike leaving the cat, and Zack didn’t want to leave them both. If they were about to get bad news, better it come in person.
They went to the waiting room near the receptionist’s station. A TV mounted to th
e wall was showing one of those reality TV dating shows, and stacks of pet magazines lay on the end tables. Pike took a seat on one of the couches and Zack sat next to him.
Fiddling with his hands, Pike said, “She’s my baby, you know? I mean, Gizmo’s my guy, but Nectarine’s my baby.”
“I know.” Fuck. Zack hated feeling this powerless, like there was nothing he could do to take Pike’s pain away.
“I found her as this teeny kitten huddled against the library building on campus, trying to keep warm. I already had Gizmo, but no way could I leave her there.”
“Of course not.”
“I had to borrow money from my mom to get her checked out at the vet and get her spayed, but it was worth all the extra hours I put in at the campus computer lab. She used to ride on my shoulder when she was tiny. Still tries to climb up there sometimes.”
“I know.” Hell. Why wasn’t there anything Zack could do?
“I didn’t ask the vet about cost.” Pike looked miserably down the hall, through the double doors where the vet tech had disappeared with the cat. “Fuck. I hope I don’t have to call Mom. This was supposed to be the year I finally got it together—”
“We’ll work it out.” That much Zack could promise. And when Pike turned a hopeful eye toward him, he added, “Together. We’ll get through this together.”
“Thanks.” Pike’s mouth wobbled, and Zack did the one thing that made sense and grabbed his hand, squeezed it tight.
“I mean it. If—when—they can save her, we’ll figure the cost out. She’s worth it.” You’re worth it too. And yeah, Zack’s heart kicked up a notch again because he was in uniform in front of the glass window that looked out at the parking lot, holding his guy’s hand for everyone to see, but he couldn’t let go. Not then.
Pike squeezed him back, and the gratitude in his expression made Zack’s breath catch. Maybe there was something he could do after all. He could sit here and be with his guy, hold his hand while they waited for news. He tugged Pike a little closer, and when Pike’s head landed on his shoulder, he didn’t flinch. It felt right to be able to do this for him.
Off Base Page 15
