Off Base

by Annabeth Albert

  “I’m trying to follow you.” Zack’s brain had been wrapped in wet wool.

  “When did your parents find out you were sick? When you were at the other hospital, right? No question that someone was going to call them.”

  “You want a call?” Zack squinted, still trying to process why Pike was so upset. “It’s because they’re listed on my forms—”

  “Exactly.” Pike’s voice cracked. “Zack, is that ever going to be me? Is there a future where I’m listed on that form too? Where the people important to you know about me? About us?”

  Zack chewed his lip. He wanted to say yes, like he’d wanted to when he’d gotten sick after diving and Morrison had asked him if there was anyone he could call. He wanted that person to be Pike. But then there was all that shit with Cobb and Harper and his parents here praying over him and saying how worried they’d been and everything was all jumbled up in his head.

  “I don’t know,” he said at last. “Someday—”

  “Someday,” Pike echoed, voice a hollow shell of his usual self.

  “I need time,” he begged.

  “We almost didn’t get more time.” Pike rubbed his face. “I’m trying. I really am, but—”

  “Wait.” Zack heard voices coming down the hall. Man, even in a hospital setting, his mother’s voice carried. Not thinking, he gave Pike a little shove. “My parents.”

  “Of course.” Pike’s tone was final as he hopped off the bed, straightened the covers. “Bye, Zack.”

  “Will you be back?” Fuck. Now his voice was the one cracking.

  Pike’s eyes squished shut as he paused by the curtain. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea. But give Ryan an update for me? I lo—care about you. No matter what.”

  “This is it, isn’t it?” Zack needed to put a name on this...thing cleaving his heart in two.

  “We’ll talk when you’re better.” Pike didn’t deny Zack’s conclusion, and with a final sad smile, he was gone. Gone. And it felt like the foundation of Zack’s life had been wrenched free, like his perfect little house was crumbling around him, unable to support itself without Pike.

  And the worst thing was that Zack knew he was the one to make it fall. He’d blown it. He was the one who hadn’t had the words to hold them together.

  The curtain swished and his parents were back in the room, Dad taking the chair that had held Zack’s whole life moments earlier.

  “Who was that leaving the room?” his mother asked. “A friend?”

  “Yeah.” Zack’s voice was thicker than wool socks, throat just as scratchy. “A friend.”

  He had a healthy fear of falling, an innate knowledge of what a bullet could do, but he hadn’t thought a single word could end him. But here he was, dying as his heart walked out of this place with Pike.

  Chapter Twenty

  Pike’s heart was firmly lodged twenty minutes away at the medical center while he was walking around home with a hollow ache in his chest. Professor Hu, whom he really should start calling Cynthia, had texted him that she’d taken care of his Friday classes, so he had nowhere to be other than the one place he couldn’t be. The professor’s partner, Joanna, had found him last night during his long vigil in the waiting room, brought him a coffee and an update she’d managed to procure that while he had more high-powered antibiotics ahead of him, Zack was out of the woods and expected to make a full recovery.

  Thank God. Not that it helped make the waiting more bearable. If anything, it made Pike angrier—Zack had almost died for days. And Pike hadn’t known. Hell, he wouldn’t even know as much as he did if it wasn’t for Joanna pulling some strings and Ryan having connections.

  So it wasn’t any wonder that by the time he’d finally gotten to see Zack, he’d been a mess of warring emotions. He hadn’t meant to tell Zack everything right then, but he had reached the conclusion over the lonely hours in the waiting room that he couldn’t go on like this, couldn’t be the barest of footnotes to Zack’s life, couldn’t wait indefinitely for Zack to tell the people most important to him. Pike needed—deserved—more.

  But after a sleeplessness night, he still wasn’t sure he’d done the right thing more or less telling Zack that the ball was in his court. What if that was it, the last time they touched? The last time he got to see Zack’s whole face light up simply because Pike had entered the room? Was he really ready to let go of that?

  Fuck. He just didn’t know. This was a thousand times worse than his humiliation after Roger in high school. Instead of having everyone laughing at him and the burn of shame, he had a thousand pinpricks of doubts assaulting him. Was Zack destined to let him down as surely as Roger had? Had he misplaced his affection yet again?

  Despite mainly being a soda drinker, he put a pot of coffee on. Went through the motions of feeding the cats, checking on Nectarine, who was recovering nicely from her own surgery.

  Ring. Ring. His pulse sped up as he looked at his phone. What if Zack wasn’t really on the mend? What if he’d had a setback? What if it was Zack calling to tell him to vacate the house, that things really were well and truly over? Pike almost didn’t answer, but he looked at the screen.

  Hector.

  Huh. Well, if nothing else talking to his War Elf contact should distract him from this endless loop of worrying and pacing.

  “Hey, Hector, what’s up?”

  “Glad I caught you! I’ve talked to the brass, and we’d like to get you up here for an interview ASAP. Any chance I could get you on a plane today? Or maybe for Monday?”

  “Hmm.” Pike tried to buy himself some time to think.

  “My assistant can make the arrangements for you, but the whole team is excited to meet you, hear more about your research. I know you’ve got your teaching duties—”

  “I’m actually off today.” The words left Pike’s mouth without permission.

  “Fabulous. It’s still early enough that Petra should be able to get you on a flight into Palo Alto. And you’re from the Bay Area, right? I’ll have her get you a room, so you can take the weekend if you want.”

  Mom. If there was anyone Pike wanted to see in his misery, it was his mom. Maybe escaping this place with all its memories of Zack in every room would be healthiest. Get away from the temptation to stalk the hospital. Interview with War Elf, remind himself that he had a future with or without Zack.

  “I’ll do it,” he found himself saying, then before he could second-guess himself, he was talking to an efficient woman with a Nordic accent who got him a flight that left in a few hours, and he was rushing around to pack a fast carry-on and get the cats to the vet’s for boarding. At the airport, he finally let himself think of Zack again, sending Ryan a text about where he’d be.

  In an ideal world, he’d be spending the weekend at his boyfriend’s side, planning his recuperation, pampering him, but this was the real world, where he had neither a boyfriend, not really, nor a place in his life. But even knowing that, as the plane took off, Pike couldn’t help feeling like he’d left a huge chunk of himself behind.

  * * *

  Zack got something resembling food for breakfast. Unfortunately, breakfast also brought the return of his parents, each clutching a large coffee and looking ready to spend all day at his side. Goody. His father had exchanged his Bible from yesterday for a political tome celebrating the latest ultra-right-wing presidential candidate. Great upgrade, Dad. Meanwhile, his mother had brought a book of crossword puzzles and kept trying to engage him in helping her, same as she had when he’d had his tonsils out in middle school.

  “An eight-letter word for regret?” his mother prompted.

  Pike. Four letters that held more regret and remorse than any synonym Zack could think of. Why couldn’t things be different? Why couldn’t Pike be more patient?

  You know why.

  “Zack? Any ideas?
I think it starts with a c.”

  “Contrite,” he said automatically even as his mind continued to drift back to thoughts of Pike, where he was right then, if he was thinking of Zack. Man, Zack was even crazy curious about how the cats were doing. He’d forgotten to ask Pike how Nectarine was faring, and he missed both animals and their owner more than he would have thought possible.

  “Oh, that’s right.” His mother’s tone was as distracted as Zack felt. We’re a great pair. “I wish your brother could feel some of that. Not a week out of rehab, and he’s tearing around on that motorcycle again.”

  “Does he even have a license anymore?” Talking about his brother wasn’t exactly an improvement from crossword clues.

  His mother frowned and rubbed her temples. “I thought it was suspended pending his court date, but he says—”

  “Mom. You can’t trust what he says.”

  His mother turned a wounded eye on him. “Of course I can. I’m his mother. He doesn’t lie to me.”

  Mom. We all lie to you. All of us. And that right there was the crux of Zack’s miserable sibling rivalry with Danny—his mother had never once wanted to believe that her baby might lie to her, might be tormenting Zack. But Zack’s bones still ached, and he simply didn’t have the energy for this fight. “Whatever. Hope he doesn’t get pulled over.”

  “Me too. We’ve got that bail money on the line.” His father looked up from his book, taking a rare interest in their conversation. He usually left matters with the kids to Zack’s mother. He reached out and patted Zack’s leg, another infrequent gesture on his part. When did his hand get so bony? His hair so gray? “Lucky for us, at least one of you turned out right.”

  “Joe. Really.” Zack’s mother made a clucking sound, mad mama duck. “Both our sons are good people. Danny just has...issues. Problems.”

  Good people. Would they still think that if Zack told the truth? “He’s got more than issues,” Zack said, determined to pick that fight after all.

  “Not everyone can be as honorable as you.” His mother sighed. “I don’t know how I went so wrong with him and so right with you.”

  Zack’s throat ached with the need to tell her that she had it all mixed up.

  “Never change.” His father patted Zack again. “You give me something to be proud of. Can’t wait to know you’re back out there again.”

  Swallowing hard, Zack nodded. I’m already changed. It’s too late. And you can’t see it.

  “Is this the party room?” Ryan poked his head around the curtain. He was in his wheelchair, probably because of the maze of long hallways and the distance from the parking structures at the medical center.

  Predictably, his parents made quite the unnecessary fuss, moving their chairs out of the way and hovering in a way that made Zack embarrassed for Ryan. His mother kept looking at the doorway like she expected Ryan to have a handler and telling him how brave he was for coming, while his dad was all thanking Ryan for his service and pumping his hand up and down.

  Ryan, though, handled it all with typical good humor, shaking hands and laughing with them. “So how are you hanging in there?” He pulled out his phone. “I’ve got a whole contact list demanding proof of life. Smile.”

  “Gee. Thanks.”

  He snapped a quick pic, then motioned to Zack’s food. “I see they’re letting you eat.”

  “If you call that food.”

  “Hey, I know more bad hospital food than anyone. That doesn’t look too bad at all.” Ryan finished typing out whatever text he was sending. Zack needed to know who he was texting—Josiah for sure, but was Pike on that list? Did Pike want an update? But of course Zack couldn’t ask with his parents right there. “Seriously. Josiah is totally wigging out that he couldn’t come down with me. But he’s got a big meeting today, and it was easier for me to take a sick day.”

  “It’s really nice of you to come. Was traffic bad?” Unable to talk about what he really wanted to, Zack resorted to inane subjects.

  “Not too bad. I got an early start, though, to avoid the worst of it. Josiah and the dog woke up to see me off—and you know Josiah was feeling bad about not coming if he woke up early. Thought about bringing the dog but wasn’t sure if you’d be up for that or if the hospital would give me a hassle.” Ryan’s dog, Gracie, had been trained as a service dog.

  “Josiah?” Zack’s mother asked in a high voice. “That’s your...roommate?”

  Ryan shot Zack a questioning look, and Zack shrugged. Neither Ryan or Josiah ever made a secret of what they were to each other, and Zack wasn’t going to shove his best friend into the closet. It was crowded enough with just him in there.

  “Partner,” Ryan corrected her. “Boyfriend right now, but I’ve been thinking about a ring for Christmas.”

  “Really?” Zack felt his eyebrows soar skyward. “No shit? That’s awesome.”

  “Zack.” His mother shook her head, and Zack couldn’t tell whether she was censuring him for his language or his approval of Ryan’s plans. Probably both.

  “Thought you were in the service?” Zack’s father frowned.

  “Yup. I was a SEAL. Now I run roughshod over unruly government students at a high school in Santa Monica.”

  “But—”

  “Dad.” Zack cut him off before something offensive could come out of his dad’s mouth.

  “It was so nice of you to come.” Zack’s mother had adopted her church-nice voice that only Zack knew was insincere as hell. “But I’m sure we’re keeping you from your day.”

  “Nope.” Ryan gave a strained smile. “I’m all Zack’s today.”

  Zack’s dad made a strangled sound, and he could see the imminent lecture forming in his dad’s brain.

  “Mom, don’t you need a refill on that coffee?” Zack nodded at her empty cup, trying to find a nice way to ask for a minute alone with Ryan.

  “It’s a gorgeous day outside. You could both take a turn around the grounds,” Ryan suggested, clearly picking up on Zack’s plan. “I’ll keep Zack company, then head out when you get back.”

  Zack’s chest clenched. He knew Ryan had only tossed the last bit in as a carrot to Zack’s parents, who were being none too subtle in their desire to get rid of Ryan.

  “I suppose some more coffee would be nice,” his mother said slowly. “If you’re sure?” her tone suggested that Zack shouldn’t want to be alone with Ryan and was mirrored by Zack’s dad’s disapproving head shake.

  “I’m sure.” Zack would deal with whatever lecture the two of them needed to give him when they returned.

  Ryan waited until they were both out of the room to speak again. “Nice people. How long are they in town for?”

  “Till Sunday.” Zack groaned. “And you don’t have to pretend. They were pretty rude to you.”

  “Sorry about that. I know you probably wanted me to lie—”

  “Never.” Zack cut him off. “That’s not what you do. I wouldn’t ask you to lie about Josiah. I’ll deal with their disapproval later.”

  “You ever get tired of that disapproval?” Ryan’s voice was easy, but his words smacked into Zack, hitting him square in his chest.

  “All the time.” Zack’s eyes squished shut. “All. The. Time. But...they’re my folks, you know?”

  “I know.” Ryan’s tone was more than a little sad.

  “They came all this way to see me.”

  “They love you. I get it.” Ryan sighed, and Zack had to join him, even though it pulled at his stitches because he knew he had to decide if the price of that love was something he was willing to keep paying.

  “Did Pike send you to lecture me?” Zack couldn’t handle talking about his parents with Ryan, and he had lain awake all night with that question floating through his head and still didn’t have an answer.

  “Pike?” Ryan’s
eyes went wide. “Nah. Not his style. Josiah, however, thinks I should read you the riot act for how you’re acting.”

  “But you saw him today, right? Pike, I mean, not Josiah.” Zack had an almost palpable need to know how Pike was, hungry for even the smallest detail.

  “Nope.” Ryan shook his head. “He’s on his way to the Bay Area for the weekend.”

  “What? Why?” Zack had to struggle to keep his voice down.

  “To see his mom, most likely.” Ryan shrugged. “And that job interview.”

  “Job interview?” Fuck. Fuck. Why hadn’t Zack asked Pike what was new with him last night? Why hadn’t Pike told him?

  “Some sort of analyst position with War Elf. He’s wanted in with War Elf with years, guess he couldn’t turn that down. Not without a reason to stay here.” Ryan’s voice continued to be deceptively mild.

  Not without a reason to stay here. Zack’s head throbbed. There it was, the reason why Pike hadn’t thought to mention this to Zack. He wasn’t giving Pike any reason to. He wanted Pike to put them first, when he couldn’t do the same. Couldn’t even ensure that Pike would be told if something happened to him. Shit. This situation sucked donkey balls.

  Ryan’s phone buzzed, and he glanced down. “Crap. I’m about to be all kinds of rude, but do you mind if I send Jos a quick text?”

  “Go ahead.” Zack watched as a strange little smile came over his friend as he typed, a softness to his chiseled face that he’d never noticed before.

  The phone buzzed again, and Ryan picked it up. “Hey, Jos.” He smiled as he said the name, crinkles appearing around his eyes. “I was just sending you a text. Take a deep breath. It’s in your laptop bag... Yeah, I put in there myself last night.”

  There was more talking from Jos’s side, and Ryan laughed, a warm, deep chuckle. “Yeah, that’s not gonna work. But he’s looking way better than I thought... Love you too.”

  The easy way Ryan closed with the “love you” pierced Zack just as surely as a scalpel. He hadn’t ever said those words to Pike, hadn’t been able to give voice to something that implied a future they might not have. “I love you” meant that you were willing to put the other person first, and Zack hadn’t been able to promise that.