“People like you?”
“Loners. People who can remain insular. Not many can.”
The revelation didn’t surprise her; that he’d shared it with her had. It occurred to her that she knew very little about him. “Isn’t there anyone you need, anyone who needs you? What about family?”
“I have none. None left, anyway. I was a late-life surprise to my parents. My dad was in the military, so we never stayed in one place too long.”
“No ties,” she murmured.
He nodded. “My mom was the quintessential military wife. Everything she did was for my father and his career. I’m not sure she ever knew quite what to do with me. I don’t think she could figure out how being a mother could fit in with the role she’d assigned herself in his life. He was proud to have a son, though, so she took that and ran with it. It was our job to make him proud of us.”
“They sound pretty self-involved.” He glanced at her. “I don’t necessarily mean that as a indictment,” she said. “I didn’t know them. Just … Were you ever close to either of them?”
“I loved them.” He looked ahead, down the path. “But no, I wasn’t. Not in the way I think you mean. They’ve both been gone for a long time. Since before I joined the Circle. I was in the army when they died.”
“Was that to make your dad proud too?”
She was surprised but pleased to see his lips curve a bit. “In a way. Dad was air force.”
Cali smiled dryly. “I’m shocked.”
He glanced at her. “Yeah, right. I guess you better than anyone can relate to parental pressure and expectations.” He grinned. “Not that you would ever do anything rebellious.”
His smile made her skin heat, her heart pound, and her thighs tighten up a bit. The man could turn on the charm.
“Not me,” she responded, struggling to keep her tone dry and teasing. They walked on in silence, each of their gazes drifting to the dirt track. Her thoughts slowly spun inward. She thought of what his life had been like. “I guess it’s tough to form attachments, build relationships, without the foundation for it.”
He squeezed her hand. A hot thrill raced up her arm. She liked connecting with him, liked that he felt it too.
“Probably not as hard as I made it,” he said. “Lot’s of people have older parents; even more are military brats. I got used to taking care of myself, relying on myself. I made friends okay, I just never stayed in one place long enough to keep them. And that held true in the military as well. I still connect with people around me; I operate better that way.”
“Like Nathan.”
He nodded. “And others. You close yourself completely off and you get out of touch with what makes people tick. In my line of work, you need to have that sensitivity.” He shrugged. “I don’t let myself rely on them, that’s all.”
“That’s no small thing.”
“No. But it’s easier. I think one of the reasons I joined the Circle was because it emphasized those very qualities. It sort of gave me permission to stay that way, not to take those risks.”
Cali laughed.
He glanced sharply at her. “What’s so funny about that?”
“I think it’s interesting that you feel safer in an environment where you risk your life rather than your heart.”
He tugged her to a stop, turning her to face him. His expression was so serious, she sobered instantly. “I was merely making an observation,” she said gently. “Not passing judgment. I’d be the last person to do that.”
“You’re right. It is easier to risk my life. Much more controlled and calculated.”
“Have you ever risked your heart?”
She felt his hold on her hands gradually increase in pressure, but wasn’t sure he realized it.
“Only once. I’d rather risk my life. I understand that territory.”
Now it was she who had to take a risk. She understood now what he meant. Terrified, with no road map to guide her, no guarantee of what she would find upon arriving, she found herself too intrigued, too tempted, to turn back. Her only option was to take the plunge.
“What happened?”
He reached up and stroked her cheek. His touch was achingly gentle. “The heart mine wanted was already taken.”
She felt her eyes burn at the dull pain she heard underlying his words. Pain he’d lived with for a long time, judging by the sounds of it. “I’m sorry.” She meant it. She’d only had Nathan for a short time, but it had been worth it despite its painfully abrupt end. She stopped herself short of wondering who John had wanted so badly. It was far too easy to project herself into that role.
Still, she heard herself say, “There are many other hearts out there, John.” Her own ached.
“Tell that to mine.” He slid his fingertips over her lips, pressing them shut when she would have spoken. “It’s only ever wanted one.”
Her voice caught in her throat, along with her breath. He didn’t mean, couldn’t … But he was talking about his past. And their past had been during the time she’d been married to— Her eyes widened. The heart I wanted was already taken.
No. She was mistaken. She was reading too much into his expression. It was fatigue and stress making her fanciful. It was need and want, she told herself. She swallowed, still unable to speak. Ridiculous. He couldn’t have felt that way.…
But it explained too many things. In fact, it explained everything.
He dropped her hand and turned away. She reached out, snagged his hand, and tugged him back.
“What do you mean?” she demanded. “And no more talking in circles.”
He swore under his breath, then looked back to her. “See, this is why I don’t do this.”
“Do what?”
“Put my heart out there. It scares the daylights out of me.”
Even as her heart began to pound, as her mind clamored to believe he was talking about her, joy began to bubble inside her. Joy and hope. How long had it been since she’d taken this sweet, scary thrill ride? Ten years, she acknowledged.
Well, her inner voice queried, isn’t it about time to buy another ticket?
Scared to death and loving it, a small, knowing, entirely female smile curved her lips. “Join the crowd, McShane.”
He frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Do you think it’s ever easy? That no one else ever feels like this, the loss of control, the scary ‘I’m stepping off a cliff and what if no one catches me?’ feeling?”
“Feels like this?” he repeated. “What do you think I feel?” His grip on her shoulders tightened. “What do you feel?”
Her heart was pounding so hard now, she could barely hear her own jumbled thoughts, much less his low purr of a voice. “Not fair, McShane.” Her voice wavered. She tried to step back, but he pulled her closer.
His knees brushed her thighs, his hips pressed above hers. She felt him, hard and warm and strong. She wanted to lean into him, melt into him. She trembled and tried desperately to put together a decent sentence and lock her knees to keep them from buckling at the same time.
“You started this discussion,” she said as he moved even closer. “You first.”
“Look at me, Cali.”
Oh God, she thought. Ten years. Here I am at the edge of the cliff again. She was afraid to look, afraid to see how high up she was this time.
His grip gentled, his fingers stroked her shoulders to the base of her neck. “Maybe it’s easier if we both go at the same time.” His voice gentled with his touch. “I’ll catch you if you catch me.”
He prodded her with his fingers. She looked up. “Deal.”
He lowered his mouth to hers. His lips were warm, his tongue, as it slid into her mouth, was hot and wet. She slid her arm around his waist. He flinched and she immediately tried to move away.
“No, don’t,” he said against her mouth. He pulled her hand back around his waist. “I’m just a little sore, that’s all.”
She smoothed her palm across his lower back and eased her
self closer to him.
A deep sigh rose inside him and escaped slowly. Cali felt herself sigh too.
“That’s it, Cali.” He let her hand go and slid his arms around her, pulling her tightly into his embrace. He nuzzled aside the hair by her ear and kissed her neck. “Don’t ever let me go.” His words were a dark whisper, filled with need.
Cali heard that, felt it inside her soul. She lifted her lips to his chin, then his jaw, then his neck. She worked her way to his ear, thrilling at the trembling shimmer she felt race over him as she bit softly on his earlobe. “I need you, too, John McShane. I need you too.”
He groaned and took her mouth hard and fast. Her legs were shaking, and she clutched at him as she returned his kiss. She felt at once wild and reckless and connected and cared for.
As his mouth moved to the soft skin above her collarbone, his hands slid up her waist and around front and cupped her breasts. The moan rose and erupted from deep within her as his fingers flicked softly over her tightened nipples. Her knees buckled, and he caught her to him, turning both of them around as they stumble-walked into the thick, green grass. She couldn’t have said who pulled whom down, but they were sprawled in the grass and on each other before her thoughts formed any sort of rational pattern.
John slid her T-shirt from her jeans and pushed it up and over her bra. He flicked the front open before she could grab it and wrench it off.
“God, I’ve never needed like this.” She was panting.
He suckled first one nipple, then the other, eliciting moans from someplace deep inside her.
“Join the club, Ellis,” he said, echoing her earlier words, his voice all rumbly and deep against the ultrasensitive skin he was stroking with his lips.
She moved enough to get her shirt off. He pulled his off, flipped it behind him, rolled to his back, and pulled her on top of him. The sight of the black-and-blue marks marring his muscled chest and ribs made her gasp and had her trying to lever her weight off of him. He instantly clamped her tightly to him.
“But your ribs, and—”
“I meant what I said. I’ve waited ten years for you to turn to me. Don’t let me go now, Cali.”
She trembled at the bare intensity of his words, his stark need. She brushed her fingertips over one particularly nasty welt. “But you’re hurt.” She looked at him, eyes burning. “Because of me. I can’t—”
“I’m only feeling pain in one place right now,” he said, then shut up any further protests with another soul-shattering kiss.
Cali understood that pain. As he slid his tongue across her throat and back down to her nipples, she slid her hand between them, grappling for the button at the waistband of her jeans. She encountered John’s hand fumbling for his. Between them they managed to get zippers down and jeans pushed over hips.
The friction of his skin against hers, heightened by their joint struggles, only pushed her desire higher. The heat threatened to consume her and she thought she’d explode if she didn’t do something to assuage the pain from the tight clenching of the muscles between her legs. She smoothed her palm over his hips and cupped him, then wrapped her hand around him. He arched. She groaned.
“I need you, John. Now.”
Through clenched teeth he said, “Another second of your hand wrapped around me, and now will be then real quick.”
“Then let’s make it now, right now.” She released him and moved her body over his, straddling the hard length she’d caressed moments ago.
With a large palm on the back of her neck, he pulled her mouth down to his and took her with his tongue in the same driving rhythm she was using as she slid her wet heat back and forth over him. The ache wound tighter until it became hot, physical pain. She was panting now, then gasping as he shifted her up so he could lever his mouth over her nipple once again.
“I’m gonna die.”
“Yeah,” he growled against the moist skin between her breasts.
What remaining breath she had evaporated. “That’ll teach me to make love with a man who’s not afraid of dying,” she said on a rapidly whispered exhale.
“I am now,” he said. His unexpected gentle kiss melted what was left of her heart. “Guess that’s what happens when you have something to live for.”
“Oh, John.”
“Take me, Cali.”
And she did. He moved inside her, full and hot and hard, filling her excruciatingly and wonderfully slowly, allowing her to savor and shudder through each second of deliciously wicked sensation. He built it up from there.
She moved against him, their increasing rhythm as natural as if they’d bonded the same way a thousand times before. Her hands gripped his shoulders, then slid to cup his face as she lowered her face to just above his. His eyes were fierce and burning with some inner light, a depth of emotion she’d never thought to witness in him. She suspected if she’d had a mirror at that moment, she’d find the same emotions in hers. Never before, not even with Nathan, had she felt so strong a bond. Not once did they need to speak, not once did they break eye contact.
And it was there that she found a connection more powerful than the physical joining of their bodies. other. It was there she found the other half of herself. It was there, in those smoky gray depths, that she found her soul.
As if to prove the truth of that power, the instant that realization hit her, he surged more deeply inside her. She tilted her head back only to feel his hands on her face, pulling her back to him. “You have my heart, Cali. Only you. Always you.” His growl started low inside him and built as he pushed harder, deeper. With a groan he came inside her.
Dazed as much by his words as by the pleasure still assaulting her body, she needed a moment to realize he hadn’t stopped moving. “John?”
His mouth curved ever so slightly, but this time the teasing half smile reached his eyes. Oh, she could love this man. She wanted his heart. Always.
It scared her to death.
He kept moving. So did she.
“Your turn,” he murmured.
“It’s—”
“Shhh.” He loosened his hold enough to roll her gently to her back, pull her underneath him, and move deeply into her.
“Open your eyes.”
She did. The rush she got from seeing the naked emotion on his face, the raw honesty, almost sent her over the edge.
“Come to me, Cali.”
He pulled her thighs up, shifted her hips, drove into her one more time. And she did as he asked.
ELEVEN
John rolled to his side, pulled Cali’s thigh up over his, and cradled her in his arms. The urge to protect her was as fierce as the urge to take her, claim her, had been. He knew she had been moved as deeply as he had been, but that didn’t help to bank the panic slowly building inside him.
He held on tighter.
Instead of squirming, she snuggled closer.
Despite their position, he realized he felt protected too. His throat closed over. She’d claimed him just as surely as he had her. Instead of being reassured, he was terrified.
“There is magic here.” Her words were a warm breath against his chest.
“Hmm?” was as coherent a sound as he could make.
She looked up at him, smiling, eyes shining. Oh, how he loved this woman. How he’d always loved her. And now that he’d given in to it, taken her with him … how in the hell would he ever walk away?
Worse, how in the hell could he stay?
“Magic circles,” she explained.
He mentally grabbed onto her words, focused with everything he had, hoping to keep the desperation crawling inside him at bay.
“It’s the way I felt as a child when I was with my dad. Like as long as he was nearby, nothing bad would happen to me.” She traced lazy patterns on his skin as she talked. “Then later, with Nathan, I felt as if nothing could intrude or spoil what we had. The baby only solidified that feeling.” Her fingers stilled, but her gaze didn’t waver. “After they died, I stopped believing in magic ci
rcles.”
Hopelessness and panic clawed at this throat, at his heart. Not because he was afraid to step into her magic circle, but because he wanted it as he’d never allowed himself to want anything in his life. And he didn’t see how he could take it.
“That’s not such a bad way to think,” he said. “You’re just being wise.”
She levered up on one elbow. “That’s what I thought. I thought I’d finally grown up, finally understood life from a mature, adult perspective instead of with childish innocence.”
“Understandably so. What happened to you would make an adult out of just about anyone.”
“That’s just it. It wasn’t about being adult. It was about being cynical. You know what I realized? Most people believe that life is one long endless road littered with potholes, some small, some huge enough to swallow you whole. These same people feel lucky if they happen to avoid one now and then, but they are certain they’re going to fall into a good number of them. Such a pessimistic view of the world, don’t you think? And I was one of those people.
“The weird thing is, I realize there is some safety in believing the ‘life usually sucks’ theory. Then you don’t have to be responsible for your own happiness. If things go wrong, well, ‘that’s life.’ ”
“But there is truth to that, Cali. You don’t have control over most things.”
She leaned over his chest, her green eyes almost electric with emotion. “That doesn’t mean you give up on everything else.”
She sat up. His gaze ran over her naked torso, covered only in the bright sunlight.
“What we’re feeling right now has nothing to do with playing it safe. You know what this feeling is?”
“Abject terror?”
She smiled, then laughed. “Yes, it is. And wild and exhilarating and anything but safe. What we’re feeling is alive, John McShane.” She pushed him on his back and gently straddled his waist, taking his hands and pinning them over his head. He let her. Hell, right then he’d have let her do anything she wanted. Because she was right, he did feel alive, in a way he’d never known he could.
Silent Warrior: A Loveswept Classic Romance Page 14
