It scared the daylights out of him.
For the first time he realized that it may not be such a bad thing.
“I thought I was being smart. In the last ten years I’ve been physically healthy. I’ve been financially successful. But emotionally? I’ve had nothing. I don’t want to go back into my pessimistic cocoon. I want to believe in magic circles again, John. I want to risk hitting a pothole. Because then I’ll know I’m going down the road instead of being forever stalled at some safe little rest stop along the way.”
John smiled up at her. It was impossible not to. “How did we get into this road stuff anyway?”
She grinned. “Considering where we are literally, it seemed a good analogy.”
He pushed at her hands, broke free, and pulled her down on top of him, nestling her face against his neck.
Alive. “I do feel it, Cali.”
“Mmmm.” She kissed his neck and snuggled closer. “Wrap your arms around me.”
He did, even as he said, “I’m just not sure if I can be your magic circle.” She immediately tried to sit up, but he wouldn’t let her. He held her close, burying his nose in her hair, closing his eyes and inhaling her scent, hoping to find some way to express himself so she’d understand. “I want to be. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever wanted or needed to be anything for anyone as badly as I want to be everything for you. Everything you need me to be.”
She pulled in a deep breath, then let it out slowly. “But?” she said against the crook of his neck.
“How can I? Our past …” He blew out a frustrated sigh. “I wanted you when you belonged to my best friend, my partner. Hell, I wanted you when you had just lost his child.”
She snaked her arms around him and held him tightly. “Nathan’s gone, John.”
“Lord, Cali, don’t you get it? It’s not that simple. I’m not your magic circle. I’m everything that you are fighting against. I’m cynical, I’m pessimistic. I’ve seen too much of the bad side of life. I’ve been the bad side of yours. I’m one of those people who believes in potholes.”
She pulled her head free of his grasp and looked at him, her eyes were glassy. “But that’s just it, John. This isn’t about the past. If it was, then I could never get out of the hole I buried myself in after Nathan and the baby died. You weren’t the cause of that. In fact, you were the one who helped me. If I didn’t still feel that way, I wouldn’t have come to you for help this time.” She braced her palms on either side of his head. “You get to choose. You can let life happen to you, or you can take the risk.” She locked her gaze to his. “I think you’re worth it. I want you in my life, John McShane.”
“I don’t have a life to give you, Cali.” He shook his head when she started to argue. “No. I don’t. I left the only life I’ve ever known. I have no idea what I’m going to do. I’m physically worn down. I’m fiscally unsure. And emotionally … Hell, I’m in such new territory there, I need a map to find my way out.”
“Would finding your way out with me make you happy?”
He blew out a frustrated breath and rolled her off of him. He sat up and braced his elbows on his bent knees. “Dammit, Cali, don’t you understand? You need someone who can grab onto this new life you want and run with it. How can I do that when I don’t know where I’m going? It’s not about what will make me happy.”
“It’s a good place to start.”
He swore under his breath and grabbed for his jeans. Without saying anything, Cali dressed. When she rolled to a stand, he reached for her before she could walk away.
“I’m sorry.”
She looked up into his eyes. He thought he might see pity. What he saw was sorrow and pain. “I’m not trying to hurt you.”
Her eyes flared. “Well, I think you’re doing a damn fine job of hurting both of us.”
“I’m sorry for that too. I’m trying to be honest. It’s the only thing I have to hang on to right now.”
She reached up and stroked his face. “Then I do feel sorry for you, John. You still don’t see what is right in front of your face. You say you’ve wanted me for ten years. You have a hell of a funny way of showing it.”
She turned and walked away from him.
“Maybe it’s because I love you so much that I can’t risk disappointing you.”
She stopped dead, then slowly turned around. “If you love me, then how can you not try? What exactly are you afraid of, McShane?”
Because he had no answer, he was forced to watch her turn and walk away.
Cali slumped down in the car seat and waited for John to return. When several minutes passed and there was still no sign of him, she gave serious consideration to leaving him behind. But a quick glance showed he’d taken the car keys. She did not want to think about what had happened between them. Nor did she want to think about the rest of what was going on in her life at the moment. Which left her future. She’d purposely shoved that to the side since she’d left for Martinique. She had nothing to return to except an empty apartment. Granted, she had insurance money, both her own to cover the theft and what was left of Nathan’s after all her travel expenses.
But she couldn’t seem to drum up any enthusiasm for shopping or rebuilding the rest of her life. She’d left clients in the lurch when she’d gone on the run. She’d been afraid to contact anyone for fear of leaving any trail, or worse, putting innocent people in the path of the men who were after her.
So not only was her personal life a complete shambles, her professional life didn’t look too promising either.
Sighing, she reached for her backpack, intent on finding the packet of mints she’d tucked in the side. What she found instead was a somewhat worse-for-wear photograph. She hadn’t put it in there. But she knew as she turned it over to look at the front who had.
It was the snapshot she’d sent to John. The one taken of her and Nathan in front of the bungalow. She stared at the photo, smiled sadly as she remembered that day. She had been happy, had felt as if her whole life was in front of her. She’d felt … free.
She’d thought Nathan had given her that. The freedom to truly break free and do what she wanted. But she knew now she had given it to herself. Since his death, she’d never really freed herself again. She rubbed a fingertip over his smile as she thought about all the life plans they’d made in that bungalow.
The driver’s-side door opened and she shoved the photo away.
All John said was, “Get your seat belt on.” They were swerving onto the highway before she had the clasp hooked.
She held on to the door handle and the dashboard with equal fervor. “Where are we going, John? I think I have a right to know.”
“There’s been a change of plans.”
“Considering I didn’t know the original plan—”
“I got a cell call.”
Which explained why he’d taken so long coming back to the car. And she thought he’d been agonizing over her. More fool she.
She’d been there when Scottie had given him the high-tech phone. Apparently it was a creation of their former leader, specialized in that it scrambled the transmission so no one could listen in on a conversation. Spy toys.
“Did they catch them? Is it over?” She tried to keep the hope from her voice.
“No.”
She sighed in frustration but swallowed her retort when she noticed his white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel.
Quietly she asked, “What happened, John?”
He paused, but only for a second. “T. J. He’s hurt. There’s no one to go in after him.”
Realization came swiftly. “Except you.”
He nodded sharply.
“But Scottie said—”
“The hell with what Scottie said. You don’t know what he got me out of, Cali. I can’t just let him—” He broke off and shoved his foot down on the gas pedal.
Cali swallowed hard, the still-brutal-looking bruises marking his beautiful body agonizingly clear in her mind’s eye. “So where do we go
to get him?”
“That’s the change in plans. I don’t have much time.”
An ominous feeling settled heavily in her chest. “So where are we going?”
“Airstrip, just ahead.”
Her eyes narrowed further. “We’re taking a trip?”
“Not exactly.” He hadn’t looked at her once.
Cali didn’t have to drag the whole tiling out of him, she saw the scenario pretty clearly. “So you were going to ship me off somewhere so you could run back and join your buddies all along.”
His silence was answer enough. Eyes glued to the road, he took another tight curve with gravity-bending speed.
Cali hesitated before hashing it out any further for fear she’d distract him, and after all of this, they’d both end up roadkill in the middle of nowhere. But patience had never been her strong suit.
“Answer me, McShane. Does Scottie know about this? Was this the real plan all along?” She’d been in on all the final instructions, and to her knowledge, John was to stay with her until it was all over—the only aspect of the plan she’d approved of. Of course, she realized now, there could have been other meetings she knew nothing about.
He glanced at her.
“You bastard.”
He turned his attention back to the highway. “I’ve told you that before about me.”
She didn’t know which emotion won out—fury or hurt. It didn’t matter, her control snapped. “Where are you sending me? I thought you all couldn’t trust anyone? The only other person who knows anything—” Her eyes widened. “No. No, you wouldn’t.” She didn’t care if she killed them both, she reached out and dug her nails into his arm. “Tell me you’re not sending me to my father.”
He didn’t flinch under her assault. “There was no other way. The embassy can afford us protection that we couldn’t ensure anywhere else.”
One word snagged her attention. “Us? Do you expect me to believe you really intend to get on the plane?”
“It was my intention.”
“Until now.”
He slowed down marginally and looked at her. “I have to go back for T. J., Cali.”
“Then take me with you.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Then stop the car.”
“Don’t, Cali. This whole thing will be over soon. You won’t have to stay at the embassy more than a couple of weeks.”
“Just when were you going to tell me?”
“At about twenty-thousand feet. Where I knew you couldn’t pull a stunt like you want to pull now.”
She hated the fact that his plan had been right on, because she would have tried to bail out. “What makes you think you can get me on that plane now?”
He slowed the car completely and pulled over. “Because there is no way I’m going to let you anywhere near the action. You’ve been as close to a fired bullet as you’re going to get. Let the team take down Adrian Magdelane. He, or someone he works for—Grimshaw, most likely—tried to kill you. He probably had something to do with Nathan’s accident too. Whatever you feel for me or think of me, don’t put me through this, Cali.”
“If you’re so damned worried about me, then why were you so eager to get rid of me?”
“Nothing else has changed, Cali. I didn’t lie about how I feel. I also didn’t lie about what I think is best.”
“Yeah, but best for me or for you?”
He stared at her for a long time, then very quietly said, “I wish I knew.”
It wasn’t his words, but the true anguish she saw in his eyes that extinguished her anger and will to fight. “I don’t suppose there is anywhere else on the face of the earth you can hide me until this is over?”
To his credit, he didn’t show any relief at her unspoken decision.
“If there was, I’d have found it. I want you safe.”
“Make me one promise.”
“If I can.”
“When this is all over, I get a full report on exactly what happened. Especially since it involved Nathan.”
A flash of pain crossed John’s features and his hand reflexively gripped the gear knob. Despite her lingering anger, Cali felt her eyes burn. She smoothed her fingers over the now rigid veins in his arms. “He’d be proud of you, John. Of all that you’ve done. For both of us.”
He didn’t say anything, didn’t move so much as a hair.
Cali swore silently, knowing it was time to shut up but unable to. “He’d also want me to be happy. You too. Don’t let a ghost stand in the way, McShane. When this is over, put it all to rest.”
In answer, he shifted her hand from his arm and pulled back on the road. Hurt mixed with pain, but she bit her lip and remained silent. Several minutes passed, then several more.
“I want to know about T. J. too,” she said quietly. “I understand why you have to go back for him.”
He slowed for a second and looked directly at her. “I would have gotten on the plane, Cali.”
She simply nodded. There was nothing else left to say.
TWELVE
John paced the twentieth-floor Denver office that had once belonged to Seve Delgado but was now temporary home to Scottie Giardi. She was late.
He stared out the floor-to-ceiling window behind the massive desk, too preoccupied to see the majesty of the Rockies laid out before him. He hadn’t been informed about why he was there, although he could make a pretty good guess.
“Well, Ms. Giardi is going to have to learn to take no for an answer,” he muttered. He turned away from the window and paced the considerable length of the office. Scottie had taken the idea of rebuilding the team to heart. She was not only scouting for new team members, but also changing the way the team operated. She wanted a permanent interior staff of trained operatives as well as field agents. Her rationale was to prevent what had happened when Del left from happening again. This would give the team depth and a broader base of power.
John approved. Had told her so. He just didn’t want to be a part of it. Problem was, he had no idea what he did want to be a part of. It had been two months since they’d brought in the fringe team that formed inside the Blue Circle, calling themselves the Inner Circle. They had restructured themselves as an internal band of Uncle Sam’s finest who had their own code for success. They had been operating for their own gain for well over ten years. Having Nathan’s program become available again had been too tempting to pass up. The possibility of retiring the entire team in luxury and wealth as a result of selling the program to the highest international bidder had caused them to get sloppy, impatient, and they’d gone after Cali.
In the end, she had been the one to bring about their downfall. She’d been right on about Adrian being the connection. Once the team had brought him in, it had been only matter of time before the rest were rounded up. Trial dates still hung in the far future, but for now, Cali was safe. And the virus program had been rendered inactive with an antidote program.
He hadn’t seen Cali since he’d sent her off in that plane. She’d stayed away for several weeks, then returned to L.A. He knew that she’d made a stop in Denver to be debriefed. She’d been told, along with all the other gritty details, that he had successfully extricated T. J., though his teammate had sustained injuries serious enough to require some lengthy hospitalization. John had talked with Scottie and T. J.
The only one he hadn’t heard from was Cali. Not once.
Not that he’d expected to. He swore under his breath and paced back to the window. Her words still rang in his ears. What exactly are you afraid of, John McShane?
The door opened behind him. He swung around just as Scottie crossed the threshold.
“If you dragged me here to talk me into being internal strategic coordinator, you could have saved the airfare—”
He broke off when another person entered the room.
Cali.
In that moment he realized he knew the answer. Had known it all along. He’d been afraid he wouldn’t survive if he allowed himself
to want her, had her, then lost her again. But hadn’t that already happened?
Scottie walked briskly to her desk, leaving Cali pausing in the doorway. Apparently she knew nothing about this little meeting either.
“Sorry to keep you waiting.” Scottie sat in the large burgundy leather chair and rolled up to the desk. “Cali and I had some last-minute details to hammer out.” She looked from one to the other then glanced down at her blotter. John thought she might have grinned, but he found his attention pulled back to the doorway.
Scottie pinned both of them with a no-nonsense look and gestured to the two navy leather chairs across from her. “Well, have a seat. I’m due at another meeting in less than ten minutes.”
Cali stepped in, her long russet skirt brushing her ankles when she sat. She crossed her arms over a thick, cream-colored cowl sweater and turned her attention to Scottie. John found himself following suit, though he had a harder time forcing his attention to his former boss.
Scottie snapped open a folder and pulled out two thick sheaves of papers. She slid the slightly thinner one across the desk toward Cali and the other toward John. “Here is the final outline of the proposed restructuring of the new Dirty Dozen.” She looked to Cali as they both picked up their copies. “You know most of this. Familiarize yourself with the rest. Any questions John can’t answer, save for the first meeting.” She shifted to John, not giving him time to assimilate her words much less comment on them. “My proposal for your position is all there. It’s my final offer. I think I have covered everything that might be of a concern to you. I want you as part of this team, John, and I’m not above using any means to get you. You might be interested to know that Santerra has agreed to meet with me to discuss his becoming our in-house special-skills trainer. That’s where I’m headed now, in fact.” She nodded at the papers he held. “I think you’ll see that I mean business.” She flipped her folder closed, scooted her chair back, and stood. “Please don’t add to my workload and make me replace you.”
She rounded the desk and stuck out her hand to Cali, who also rose and shook it. “Welcome to the team, Agent Ellis.” She jerked her head toward John. “I’d say I was sorry for the surprise, but I’m not.” She flashed a sudden, brilliant smile that was stunning in its transformation of her demeanor. “Now’s your shot, Cali. Don’t you blow it, either.”
Silent Warrior: A Loveswept Classic Romance Page 15
