Say No More

by Rose, Karen

  Rafe felt a stab of regret as André’s words sank in. The Romeros loved Mercy, it was clear, and she loved them. Plus, there was John Benz, her half brother, and all the ‘sibs’, as she’d called them. Mercy had family in New Orleans, as well as a job. She wouldn’t be staying in California.

  Not forever, anyway.

  André’s eyes narrowed and then he sighed. ‘Well, fuck,’ he muttered. ‘Mercy’s going to be torn too, won’t she? And you want her to stay.’

  Rafe wasn’t going to deny it. ‘Good night, André. See you tomorrow, okay?’

  ‘Tomorrow, man.’ André waved and started up the stairs, his tread slow and heavy.

  Rafe entered the bottom-floor studio as Erin was coming out.

  ‘All clear,’ she pronounced. ‘Everything’s clean.’

  ‘Wait,’ he said when she reached for the house’s front door. ‘Where are you going?’

  ‘Out to stand watch until your backup gets here.’ She frowned. ‘The Feds sent a car, which was supposed to be here when we arrived, but they hit a traffic snarl. They’ll be here soon. I told them I’d stay until they arrive.’

  ‘You’ve got to be tired. Don’t you have work tomorrow?’

  ‘Just warming my chair,’ she grumbled. ‘No fun without you there. But yes, I do have work and my backup arrives in a half hour. Then I’ll go home and get my beauty sleep. Lock up behind me.’ She didn’t wait for a response, leaving through the front door.

  He locked the door and set the alarm, shaking his head. Like he needed her to remind him.

  But that was Erin, showing that she cared. Because she did, of that he was certain.

  He dragged his tired ass into the apartment, locked that door, and collapsed onto the sofa. His laptop sat on the table where Mercy had left it before they’d left for his mother’s Sunday dinner, a stack of printouts of Eden-made furniture and crafts ready for the bulletin board.

  He was too tired to get up and tack them to the board. He was too tired to get off the sofa and go to bed. But apparently not too tired for his mind to keep buzzing around Mercy.

  God, she’d broken his heart tonight. So damn brave. And when Gideon had broken down at the end? Rafe hadn’t been able to hold himself together. Luckily, he wasn’t alone – figuratively or literally. His family had clung to one another in the hall outside the kitchen, wrapping Farrah and André into their group hug. Until Mercy and Gideon had reappeared, both looking awful with red eyes and noses. But both looked equally at peace – and suddenly Rafe had felt at peace, too.

  Until just now. Because Mercy didn’t live here. He might believe she belonged here, but she had another life. That she’d stay in Sacramento for Gideon’s sake was a nice wish, but not very likely, no matter how close they got over the upcoming weeks.

  In fact, it was highly likely that she’d return to New Orleans with Farrah for her aunt’s funeral and decide to stay there.

  His heart was seriously at risk, but he wasn’t sure how he could protect himself. He could walk away now. Let Mercy and Gideon find Burton and put the bastard down. But that would be wrong. He’d promised to help.

  He could simply make sure there was always distance between Mercy and himself. But the thought hurt.

  Or, he could just be with her and enjoy what time they had, then deal with the fallout when it happened. He’d keep her safer than he’d kept Bella, that was for damn sure. Images of Bella’s body filled his head and he pushed them away, refusing to allow his mind to see Mercy in the same way.

  A knock on his door jerked him from the dour thoughts. Fucking hell. He did not want to get up. ‘Who is it?’

  ‘It’s Mercy.’

  Mercy. A tiny pulse of energy spread to his arms and legs, and he pulled himself to the edge of the sofa. ‘Give me a minute,’ he called. ‘I’m coming.’ Don’t go. Please don’t go.

  ‘I have a key, if that’s okay,’ she called. ‘Sasha gave it to me, but I didn’t want to barge in.’

  Rafe exhaled heavily, angry with his body. But it had been an eventful two days and he hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before. Better not to push himself any further, he thought, resigned. ‘Come in.’

  Opening the door, Mercy peeked her head around it. ‘Decent?’

  He laughed. ‘Not remotely.’

  She smiled at him, her green eyes twinkling as she closed and locked the door and then crossed to the sofa. ‘Liar. You’re too tired to get ready for bed, aren’t you?’

  ‘Guilty as charged.’ He patted the cushion next to him. ‘What’s wrong, Mercy?’

  She sat beside him, curling her legs beneath her, her smile fading. ‘Brain’s racing.’

  ‘You want to talk about it?’

  ‘No, you should go to sleep,’ she said, but her eyes said differently, telegraphing a silent plea.

  ‘If I do, then just cover me up with a blanket and leave me here. Wouldn’t be the first time I fell asleep on this sofa.’ He lifted a brow. ‘You, too.’

  ‘I did that, didn’t I? Just this morning. This day has been surreal. I hope Farrah at least can sleep.’

  Rafe carefully rested his arm across the sofa back, not touching her, but issuing the invitation to come closer. To his relief, she did, snuggling into his side, her head on his chest. ‘You did good tonight, Mercy,’ he murmured, kissing her hair. ‘You were so brave.’

  ‘Thank you.’ She sounded grimly determined. ‘That’s the plan.’

  ‘Plan for what?’

  ‘Being brave. Taking my life back. I’m tired of being afraid, of hiding. Of being alone because I don’t think anyone will want me.’

  His heart played a staccato rhythm in his chest. I want you. He drew a breath, fighting the words back down. It wasn’t time. ‘You don’t have to be alone,’ he finally said.

  That clearly wasn’t the right thing to say, because she tensed.

  Well, shit. He wasn’t sure if he should apologize, and if so, what for exactly. ‘I’m umf—’ Whatever he was going to say was cut off when she grabbed his face and pulled him down, sealing her mouth over his. He grunted in surprise, then groaned, his body perking right up. Everywhere.

  So much for exhaustion.

  She was humming against his mouth, up on her knees now, so that she hovered over him, her mouth eating at his. She swung one leg over him, never breaking the kiss as she straddled him.

  He groaned again, his hands full of her, all hot and incredibly energetic. Undulating against him until he could barely think. God. He shuddered, his hands sliding up and down her back, coming to rest on the perfect curve of her ass.

  This was perfect.

  She was perfect. And desperate, his mind whispered. She’s too desperate.

  And she was desperate, he realized. Not in a good way. Stop this. Now.

  With a resolve he never knew he possessed, he yanked away. ‘Wait,’ he panted. ‘Stop.’ Leaning his head into the cushion, he craned his neck to see her face.

  Desperate was indeed an accurate description. Her eyes were wild. Unfocused.

  Until she blinked, going from sixty to zero in that single blink. Her face flooded with color and she tried to get away.

  He let go immediately and she backed off his lap and onto her feet. Which brought the backs of her legs against the coffee table. She stumbled, knocking all the Eden printouts to the floor, her butt hitting the hard wood.

  Hard wood, Sokolov? Really? He wanted to groan again, from frustration, confusion, irritation with himself. Because he was harder than any wood on the planet.

  ‘Mercy.’ His voice was low and gruff. Aroused as hell.

  She dropped her chin to her chest, sending her hair flowing over her face like a curtain. She didn’t answer him. Didn’t look up.

  His heart sank. ‘Mercy, please. Look at me.’ He was afraid to touch her, afraid he’d do the wrong thing. ‘Pleas
e.’

  She shook her head, her expression hidden behind the fall of hair. ‘I’ll go now. I’m . . . sorry.’

  ‘No.’ The single word cracked in the air between them, the command more desperate than she had been. ‘Please. Mercy, you have to know that I want you. You have to know that.’

  She huffed a bitter little laugh. ‘It’s not your job to make me feel better, Rafe. I was too pushy. I get it.’ She stood, spinning on her heel to head for the door. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’

  ‘Mercy.’ He softened his voice. ‘Don’t go. Please.’

  She stopped walking but didn’t turn to look at him. ‘This was stupid. I was stupid. I’m sorry.’

  ‘You are not stupid. You’re—’ He cut himself off, because he was about to make things worse.

  She turned slowly. ‘I’m what?’

  He swallowed hard. Go big or go home. ‘Everything I want.’

  She lifted her chin, a frown creasing her brow. ‘Then why did you stop?’

  He patted the sofa cushion. ‘Come back. Please.’ He tried to smile, but he was pretty sure he didn’t pull it off. ‘Don’t make me drop to my knees. I might never get up.’

  Her mouth quirked so briefly that he might have missed it if he hadn’t been staring at her, willing her to return to him. He held his breath until she retraced her steps, dropping onto the sofa, but at the far end, not next to him.

  But she was still here.

  ‘I stopped because . . . it felt like you were afraid.’

  ‘I was,’ she said sarcastically. ‘That I’d get rejected. I’ll live, Rafe.’

  Wow. He wasn’t sure how to fix this. ‘You think I’m rejecting you? That I’m not interested?’

  She shrugged. ‘You’re the one who stopped.’

  ‘You think I’m lying? That I don’t want you? That’s the most ridiculous thing.’ He leaned sideways until he caught her gaze. ‘Touch me. Know that I’m telling the truth.’

  Her chin dipped again, but this time because she was studying his body. Closely. He pressed the flat of his hand against his cock to give himself some relief.

  She exhaled quietly. ‘Then why?’

  ‘Because . . .’ He shook his head. ‘Was this why you came down here? You wanted to make out? I don’t know what you want, Mercy, and I got the definite impression that you didn’t, either.’

  Green eyes skewered him, flashing fury. ‘You think I don’t know my mind?’

  ‘Shit. No. That’s not what I think. Well, maybe a little. It’s just . . . sudden. And it makes me wonder what you wanted me to do.’

  Her eyes widened at that. ‘You don’t know what to do?’ she asked, still sarcastic. He actually remembered this Mercy. She’d been snarky when they’d first met, when she sat by his bedside for hours at a time. He’d never expected to be so captivated by such a sharp tongue.

  ‘Oh, I know what to do. Trust me on that.’ He could imagine it all too clearly, sinking into her body, hot and wet and tight. He shivered and cleared his throat. ‘Jesus, Mercy, I’m hanging on to my control by a thread. But I don’t want to be that man, just another person who takes advantage of you. You had a bad day and maybe you just want to be held. Maybe feel . . . I don’t know. Desired?’ He saw a flicker of need in her eyes and knew he’d guessed right. ‘Maybe even show yourself that you could be with someone that way?’

  Her cheeks flamed anew and she looked away. ‘Yes.’

  Compassion filled his heart till it ached, but he also felt a smidge of resentment. ‘As much as I’d like that guy to be me, I want to know you want me. Not a convenient, warm body.’

  Her mouth fell open. ‘Are you saying I’m a slut?’

  He sighed. ‘No. God. Just . . . no. That’s the furthest thing from what I was saying.’ He took a moment to figure out exactly what he wanted to tell her, then went with honest. Even if it left him open to future pain. Which it would, he was pretty certain.

  ‘I have feelings for you. Feelings I haven’t felt for anyone in a very long time. I don’t want this to be a one-and-done, and I suspect that it might be that for you. For tonight,’ he added before she could object. ‘This is not me slut-shaming you. I want you to want me. For me. Because you have feelings for me, too. At least because you want me, too. But not because you’re challenging yourself to “take your life back”.’

  She flinched. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered. ‘I didn’t realize . . .’ She closed her eyes. ‘I’m sorry, Rafe. I didn’t mean to make you feel unimportant.’

  He wanted to sigh again, but bit it back. He wasn’t about to make her feel worse. ‘Come sit with me again,’ he said gently. ‘I liked that, a lot.’ He held out his hand, holding his breath once again until she took it. He pulled her close, letting the breath go in a silent, relieved sigh when she tucked herself into his side. ‘That’s better. So much better.’

  ‘I feel like an idiot,’ she muttered. ‘Can I just go back to my room?’

  He chuckled. ‘You’re asking my permission?’

  She smacked his gut lightly. ‘Not ever.’

  ‘Good,’ he said with satisfaction. He kissed her temple and felt her relax the tiniest bit. He was gentling her and he knew that she was aware of this. He shifted with a wince. ‘I wasn’t kidding about wanting you, Mercy Callahan. I feel like I’m a teenager again, and not in a good way.’

  ‘Good,’ she echoed with satisfaction. ‘That’s something, at least.’

  He tipped her chin up so that she met his eyes. ‘What do you want?’

  She swallowed hard, her expression abruptly vulnerable. ‘I don’t want to feel afraid anymore. I don’t want to feel like I’m missing out on what normal women do with men they’re attracted to.’

  That was honest. Not exactly what he’d hoped to hear, but it was a start. ‘And you want that with me.’

  Another swallow followed by the slightest of nods. ‘I wanted it when I was here before. You make me want things that I never thought I would.’

  Okay, that was much better. His ego puffed up and he had to fight the urge to preen. But she’d been honest and he could be no less. ‘Thank you for telling me. I thought I’d destroyed everything when I kissed you and you ran back to New Orleans. I thought I’d never see you again and I only had myself to blame.’

  ‘I was scared,’ she admitted. ‘You made me feel safe and I don’t think I’d ever felt that before. You still do, by the way. Make me feel safe, I mean.’

  He closed his eyes at that, relief making him dizzy. ‘I’m glad,’ he said gruffly. ‘You have no idea how happy that makes me. I don’t ever want you to feel like I’ve taken your choices. I don’t ever want you to run from me again. I couldn’t handle it, Mercy.’

  She brushed the back of her fingers against the scruff of his jaw. ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you when I left before. I didn’t mean to hurt you tonight. It was just . . .’ She sighed. ‘I sat at your family’s table tonight and felt all that love and strength and knew that I could have some of it. That I could take it freely.’

  ‘But?’

  ‘No “but”. Not really. I thought to myself, “You have this with the Romeros. They love you and support you.” But it felt different and I realized the difference was you. So instead of spending the drive back here thinking about everything I’d just unloaded at your parents’ kitchen table, I thought about you. But I didn’t stop to consider what you might be feeling, and I’m sorry for that.’

  The difference was you. He was terrified to speak. Terrified he’d say the wrong thing and she’d run away again. But then she stroked his face, her touch butterfly light, and the words spilled out. ‘I feel more than you’re ready for.’

  He opened his eyes when she tapped his chin, a little harder than was truly necessary. Her face was set in a scowl, her mouth pinched on one side. ‘Are you even listening to me, Rafe Sokolov?’

  He no
dded, unable to take his eyes off her face. She was stunning like this, her eyes snapping with irritation.

  ‘You might want to reconsider that last sentence,’ she said. ‘You feel more than I’m ready for? You know what? That might even be true, but you don’t get to say that to me. I get to decide what I’m ready for. I get to decide if I’m afraid of what you feel.’

  He wanted to kiss her breathless, but he reined it in. ‘Yes, you do. But when your decision impacts my heart, then I get to weigh in. I think that’s fair, don’t you?’

  She scowled another second more, then looked away. ‘Yeah,’ she grumbled.

  He had to laugh at that. ‘You sound so put-upon.’

  Her lips twitched and he was hit with another dizzying wave of relief. He might have actually pulled this out of the fire. ‘I am,’ she said. ‘But you’re right.’ The smile fell from her face and she suddenly looked unbearably sad. Defeated. ‘I don’t know how to do this, Rafe. I don’t know how to be a sister to Gideon or . . . whatever it is that you need me to be.’

  His heart was hurting again. ‘Mercy. You know how to be a friend to Farrah, right?’

  A bitter huff. ‘Yeah, but she didn’t give me any choice. She kind of barged into my life and took over, from the moment she walked into our dorm room that first day.’

  ‘We all owe her a debt, then,’ he said seriously. ‘She was there for you when you didn’t have anyone else. When you weren’t ready for anything else, she was your friend.’

  ‘Okay,’ she said with a halfhearted shrug. ‘I wasn’t ready then. So what?’

  ‘So you know how to be a friend, right?’ He smiled, encouraged when she nodded warily. ‘So you can be my friend, right?’

  She pursed her lips in a scowl, but he could see the hurt flicker in her eyes. ‘That’s what you want? To be just friends?’

  ‘No!’ he barked, and she flinched. ‘No,’ he said more quietly, and she relaxed, but still frowned. ‘No,’ he whispered, gripping her chin and lowering his mouth to hers, slowly enough that she could pull away if she wished. But she didn’t pull away. Her eyes fluttered closed and she waited, lips parted a hairsbreadth. Waiting.