The Spirus

by JB Trepagnier

  “I don’t know what it’s like to love or be loved. You already know he didn’t treat me like I was his granddaughter. Frog is the closest thing I know to love and it’s not the same thing that you, Neptis, or Oris want from me. I still don’t know if part of what any of you want from me is because of who I am to you and what is really me. I’m still getting used to the idea of having a mother and now Leodos wants to be my father. I was enjoying their company and getting used to them when she brought up me ruling again. I still don’t want to and had to leave again. I didn’t know what mating was when it was happening to me, but both times you either kissed me or tried to, I wanted to do it again with you. I don’t know what it means. I wasn’t kissing you back because I was trying to learn.”

  “I can’t do this with you if you don’t feel the same about me. It would break me if you did this with me and then chose Neptis or Oris to marry.”

  “All of you keep coming at me trying to make me feel a certain way about you. If Belisarus loved me, he kept it hidden from me. I’ve only been to the mainland for fifteen moons and in fifteen days, I’ve found out I’m supposed to be a god, end a war, I found out I was taken as a baby and my past kept from me. Your father and the other kings are pushing me to do things I’m not sure I want to do. I’m having everything that was kept from me thrown at me at once and then I find out who I’m supposed to be to you. I’m supposed to be concentrating on everything I need to learn and you all come at me and expect me to choose one of you to marry. I grew up thinking it would never happen to me like the stories I was told because I could never leave our yard. I still don’t know what love is supposed to feel like, but I wanted to kiss you back and I wanted to mate with you before you stopped me.”

  He stroked her back and pulled her closer. He knew they were confusing her with wanting to marry her and all this time, he thought it was because she didn’t know she was beautiful and hadn’t been around men before. He couldn’t imagine how she had grown up, with Belisarus not showing her any affection. Sono hadn’t grown up that way. Before his mother died, they had a close bond. His father was hard on him, but he knew Volaris loved him because if he was hard with him about something, right after, he would try to do something light and fun to take his mind off his punishment. He would be king one day, so the rest of the Farkhi fawned over him and tried to groom him to rule. He knew Neptis and Fluvis had a similar bond. Terros and Oris seemed to have a tumultuous relationship and argued frequently. He knew Oris was out there the day he met Soryn because he was angry with his father. Terros had a temper that almost rivaled the Tempris and he was glad he was finally calming towards Soryn.

  He knew she didn’t want to talk about it and he tried not to with her, but he pulled her closer to his chest, ran his fingers through her hair, and asked her why ruling upset her so much. He didn’t want her to leave his arms and she didn’t pull away. She admitted everything bothered her and said something he hadn’t even thought about. She asked him why her grandfather had to be sent away for mixing among tribes and they were so dead set on marrying her into one of them. She thought it was the same thing as mixing among tribes, which had always been forbidden. She admitted she didn’t think she belonged with any of the tribes.

  Her hair was soft like Farkhi feathers and even though his sense of smell was not as strong as hers or the Theran, he could smell the resin they burned when they prayed coming off of her. He rested his head on her soft hair. “It’s not that you don’t belong with any of us and it’s an issue of mixing tribes like it was with your grandfather. You belong with any of us and they expect to you rule because you are Lisana. Any of the tribes would consider it an honor to marry into your family. I know you don’t want to and you’ve never been prepared for it, but it’s part of who you are, like everything else.”

  “But I don’t belong with any of you,” she said, sitting up. He wanted to pull her back to him, but he didn’t want to risk running her off. “I may be like you in the things I can turn into, but too much of me is different to choose just one tribe for the rest of my life. I don’t know if the children I have would just have one tribe or they would be like me.”

  “He told you that you were here to bring change. No one seems to know why you came to us this way. Maybe you did because you are supposed to have children like you. There are only three Tempris left. Maybe you are supposed to start a new ruling race.”

  She pulled away further and drew her knees in. She wasn’t looking at him now. “Everyone is talking about what I’m supposed to do and trying to make me do things I’m not sure I want to do. I don’t know about any of this, but I know I don’t want to rule, nor do I want to have a child like me.”

  He pulled her back to him. “Maybe when you get to Inanos, there are answers for you there that change your mind. Would you really not pick any of us because you don’t think you belong in our tribe?” He was worried now that no matter how much he tried to get to know her and let her see that he loved her that it wouldn’t just be an issue of trying to compete with Oris and Neptis. She wouldn’t choose any of them because she didn’t feel like she belonged and she didn’t want to rule so badly, she would just go back to Idric.

  “I don’t know what I want and I don’t know how to feel what you all expect of me. I only found out a few minutes ago that being Tempris could feel good instead of just being angry all the time. Everything is being thrown at me at once. I like talking to you and I liked you holding me just now. I feel things I don’t understand around you, but I also enjoy being with Neptis and Oris. I don’t belong with any tribe and no matter who I chose, the rest of you will be hurt.”

  He held her closer. If she was feeling things she didn’t understand around him, maybe it was love and she would come to learn what that meant. She whispered in his ear that he smelled good to her, like pine and feathers, and she wanted to kiss him again. He meant to lean down and kiss her when he was abruptly yanked away from her by an unseen hand. He expected to see Neptis or Oris and didn’t want to fight in front of her, but it was the tall man who pulled him away. The look he was giving both of them was the same look Volaris gave Sono when he had done something to be concerned about.

  Soryn and the tall man were both yelling at once. The tall man was yelling at Sono and asking him what he thought he was doing and Soryn was yelling at the tall man because she was lying against him because she wanted to. Sono hoped she wouldn’t erupt again and Esylle was yelling at all of them to calm down. Sono had both seen and watched Esylle and Leodos the past few days and he watched the three of them during her lesson. If Esylle and Leodos married, he would be her father and it looked like he was trying to act that way during their lesson after she had fainted.

  Soryn finally stopped yelling when Esylle told her if she didn’t want her taking her fire, she needed to calm down. It was starting to get uncomfortably warm around her again. If she erupted, they would all be hurt. He didn’t know that was what Esylle had done when she touched her and she fainted. He didn’t get to hear what was said next. He could hear Esylle and Soryn arguing as Leodos hauled him away from them where he couldn’t hear or see them anymore. Leodos let go of his arm and shoved him forward.

  “What do you think you are doing? You’re just confusing her.”

  “I’m not confusing her!” Sono said, defensively. He explained to the tall man what had happened before he pulled him away and that he had stopped her from doing what she had wanted to do. He told him to stop fussing and listen to him. He tried to explain that he had been watching them and he couldn’t hear what was being said, but whatever Esylle taught her was working. He showed Leodos his hand and explained how she had healed him.

  “How did she heal you?” Leodos demanded. “Was it because we angered her?”

  “No, but we talked about why she was angry. She was upset she hurt me and said she wanted to try what she had just learned. I didn’t know what she was doing. She got hot like she was using her Tempris ability, but it wasn’t like before. It f
elt like free flying in the sun. It felt good to stand next to her heat, but I didn’t know what she was doing to my hand and it was uncomfortable. I tried to stop her. She explained to me that’s how it feels for her when she is healing.”

  “Did it hurt when she was healing you? I had no idea this entire time it hurt her to heal herself. She’s never acted like it hurt her. I would have tried to protect her better if I knew.”

  Sono looked at the tall man. He actually looked upset now instead of angry. Sono didn’t know how much of that was because of Esylle and how much of it was because of what went on at the fire. “It doesn’t hurt her,” he reassured. “It itches. It’s unpleasant and I didn’t know what she was doing. That’s why I stopped her. Whatever you were teaching her out there, you’re on the right track. She wasn’t sure if she could heal me like she does herself and she figured it out on her own with whatever Esylle taught her. She talks to me. If you’re going to talk to her about ruling, don’t talk to her like it’s expected of her. Try to ease her into the idea. She already doesn’t want to do it and she doesn’t like that we all expect things from her. She relaxes around me because I don’t expect anything from her.”

  “You’re lying to yourself if you’re telling yourself you don’t expect anything from her. You want her to choose you and she knows that,” Leodos snapped, getting angry with him again.

  “I expect her to choose who she loves. I want it to be me, but I’m not pressuring her. I already told you I stopped her when she wanted to mate with me.”

  Leodos asked why he stopped her and he explained to him the way he explained it to Soryn. He was surprised when Leodos’ face began to soften towards him. “Don’t tell her I told you this, but I hope she picks you,” he said, placing his hand on Sono’s head. “We should get back. I’m not sure if Esylle was able to calm her down.”

  Soryn

  Soryn wasn’t speaking to Esylle as they walked back to the clearing. She hadn’t known that Esylle could take her fire away like she had done and she didn’t want her to do it again. She had been hurt when she fought the bear and while she had slept off the worst of it, it was still painful when she woke up and she couldn’t wait for the cuts to heal because of how it felt as they closed. When Esylle touched her and took her fire, she had never felt anything like that before. She had felt pain before and knew how to deal with it. It felt like her life was flowing out of her with her fire as Esylle was taking it and she had no way of fighting it. When she felt it leaving her, she thought she was stronger than Esylle and tried to pull it back, even though she knew she was losing control. She couldn’t hold on to it and it slipped away from her like she was holding sand from the beach in her fingers. She didn’t think Esylle was ever going to stop taking from her and then she lost consciousness.

  She didn’t think Esylle meant for that to happen because she woke up in Esylle’s lap with Esylle giving her the same look she had when she woke up after she fought the bear. She didn’t know Leodos had been close enough to them to be there when she woke up. Even though he tried to explain to her the same thing had been done to Esylle when she was learning and it affected her the same, she never wanted to feel that way again. She wasn’t scared at all when she charged through the clearing and tackled the bear, but she was frightened and didn’t know what was happening when Esylle took her fire. She didn’t like knowing Esylle could do that to her and weaken her like that. If she really was a God like they were telling her she was, she shouldn’t be weakened by anyone.

  She was still angry and a little frightened by what happened when she had to leave them and hadn’t meant to burn Sono. When she saw his red, blistered hand, she didn’t know if she could, but she tried doing what she had just been taught to see if she could heal him. She was surprised again at how good making the flower made her feel. It felt like the days on Idric when Belisarus finished her lessons and she and Frog laid on their backs in the sun and talked about what they thought it was like outside of the yard. It felt like mating with Volaris. It felt like every good thing she had ever experienced was rushing through her at once. She never knew being Tempris could feel like that and she didn’t know why Belisarus never taught her how to do it.

  Esylle told her why she thought he kept everything from her. She didn’t say anything to Esylle, but she didn’t know if that made her feel better or worse. If he just wanted her to be a normal child, he never treated her like one. He was always pushing her to learn how to hide since she was so different. If he didn’t want her to be this Spirus and just be a normal child, why did he teach her she was different instead of acting like what she could do was perfectly normal? He could have made something up about why she couldn’t leave the house. He always acted like what she could do was somehow bad and always needed to be hidden.

  She tried to push down what Esylle had said and ignore it, but it had upset her and that’s part of why she lost control during her lesson. She was trying to push down what had just been said to her and ever since she had been told who she was, she had been pushing that down too. She was able to relax and talk a little to Esylle and Leodos, now that he was no longer always fussing at her. She was surprised when he told her it was never an issue of him not liking her, he just worried about her and she did things where he couldn’t protect her. She still didn’t know how he thought he could protect her better than she could protect herself, but he seemed to want to try. He wanted to be her father now. She was still getting used to Esylle and Joron and now she had someone wanting to be her father.

  “I wish I knew what to say to you to not upset you all the time,” Esylle said, snapping her out of her reverie. “I’m trying to get to know you again, but it seems like everything I do upsets you.”

  “I was having fun talking to you and Leodos before you had to bring up me ruling again. I’ve already told you once I didn’t want to and had to leave.”

  “Then what do you intend to do when this is all over? You said you didn’t think you belonged with any of the tribes. You don’t want to rule. What would you do then?”

  “I don’t think I’m supposed to be here when this is over,” Soryn blurted out. “I was only sent for one thing. They don’t know anything about what is supposed to happen to me when this is over. They just expect me to do these things and can’t tell me what happens to me. Maybe I disappear and go back to wherever it is I came from.”

  Soryn stopped when Esylle embraced her. It wasn’t like when Sono embraced her. She was surprised when Leodos did, but was able to relax and enjoy it. It felt different having a woman embrace her. It was softer. She relaxed, but she did not return the embrace.

  “You came from me,” Esylle said into her hair. “Even being what you are, you came from me and your father. You see how Terros is when he looks at you. They don’t know why you came this way. How do you know you weren’t born to me to create a new tribe with your children?”

  Soryn pushed her away. “How do you know when I figure out what I’m supposed to do it doesn’t kill me?”

  “Maybe that’s why you heal the way you do.”

  Soryn told her what happened with Sono’s hand and told her maybe she was only able to heal herself because she was supposed to use it to heal other people. Soryn was surprised when Esylle told her that even though she was still learning what to say to her, she wasn’t just going to let her die or disappear. She would fight and use her gifts to keep her here. Soryn wasn’t sure if she could, but it was nice to hear that Esylle would try to protect her like Leodos thought he could.

  When they finally got to the clearing, Sono and Leodos had made it there first and were sitting with Terros, Fluvis, and Volaris. Oris and Neptis were also there and did not look happy with Sono. Soryn didn’t think he would tell them what had gone on between them, but everyone seemed excited with whatever he was saying. Leodos didn’t seem angry with him anymore, even though Soryn thought he seemed angry enough to strike him when he pulled Sono away from her. The only reason she hadn’t gone after them, and
she was quite angry at Leodos for disturbing them, was that Esylle threatened to take her fire again if she didn’t calm down. She still didn’t like that looming threat above her head.

  When Esylle and Soryn joined everyone at the fire, everyone seemed to know what had happened at the beach and what she had done with Sono’s hand. Sono kept the rest of what happened between them to himself. Fluvis always looked at her like he felt bad for her and he was now looking at her proudly, the way he looked at Neptis sometimes. Terros looked like he wanted to start firing questions at her. Volaris only looked at her with the gentle way Leodos now looked at her.

  “Child, I think you may be on the correct path to do what you need to do. I’m glad your mother thought of it. Now we don’t have to risk running you off and endangering yourself to do what you are created to do,” Volaris told her, placing his hand on her head.

  She didn’t comment. She may be on the right path, but what she was concentrating on when she finally got it right was how she felt when she mated. She had never felt that good before. She thought she should do it again to help her learn and because she enjoyed it the first time. She was surprised when Sono told her no, then again when he told her why. She didn’t just want to with him because she thought it would help her. She liked the way he smelled and she enjoyed his company. She was feeling things towards him that confused her. She didn’t know if it was love, the way he felt for her. She loved Frog, but not in the same way. It also confused her that even though she felt these strange things for Sono, she liked being with Neptis and Oris also smelled very good to her and she could see the way he looked at her. She knew, since Sono had explained it to her, that it would be bad to mate with any of these boys because of how they felt and she would end up hurting them later on if she did wind up choosing one of them.