Alpha

by Rachel Vincent

  Marc glanced at the floor, then met my gaze again, letting me see the brutal misery my indecision was causing him. “It’s easy for Jace to tell you to take your time, because he stands to lose nothing from this—a month ago, he wasn’t even on your radar, and now he’s at the center of the screen. But I stand to lose everything.” He swallowed thickly, like the words were getting caught in his throat, and suddenly my heart felt bruised and heavy. “I lose a little more every day I have to see you with him. And I can’t watch that anymore, Faythe. I need to know what I mean to you.”

  Vertigo washed over me, like I’d just plunged downhill on a roller coaster and left my stomach behind. “Are you asking me to choose? Right now?”

  Marc stared at his hands in his lap. Then he looked up at me, his gaze equal parts dread and determination. “Yeah. I am. I have to, for my own sanity. So make up your mind, Faythe. Me or him. For better or worse. Right now.”

  “Marc, please don’t do this…” I clutched the edge of the table, panic building in my chest. The pressure was so great I could hardly breathe.

  “Damn it, Faythe!” Marc stood and stomped across the room, then turned to face me, pain and frustration lining his strong features. “I hate knowing you want him to touch you. And I hate it even worse knowing that there’s more to it than that. If you want him more than you want me, just fucking tell me and get it over with. We don’t even know if we’re all going to live through the fight, and I don’t want to die without knowing whether you love me as much as I love you.”

  I met Marc’s gaze, and my heart hurt so badly I wanted it to stop beating just to end the pain. “Marc, you know I love you…”

  His eyes searched mine, his focus shifting from one to the other. Then he exhaled, and his anguish stole my breath. “I know that better than you seem to know it. We belong together, Faythe. I’ve known that since the moment you realized you could piss me off and make me smile in the same sentence, when you were fifteen years old. I know you better than anyone else ever will. I know what nightmares wake you up in the middle of the night. I know where you go to be alone when you sneak off during a group run. I know that you’re every bit as tough as the face you show the world, but that underneath that, you’re scared. And I also know that fear has never stopped you from doing a damn thing you put your heart into. So why can’t you put your heart into us?”

  “Marc…” I started, and his face blurred with my tears.

  “He loves you.” Marc glanced at Jace over my shoulder, then refocused on me. “But I love you more. He could walk away from you with a broken heart, if he had to, and live to love another day. But I can’t. Since the first time we kissed, there’s never been anyone for me but you. Not in my bed, not in my life, and not in my heart. And there never will be. And that’s what I need to hear from you. Now.” His hope, and fear, and desperation, were so thick in the room that I could hardly breathe. “Purgatory’s just another kind of hell, Faythe.”

  “I…” I curled my hands into fists to keep them from shaking. On the edge of my vision, Jace stiffened, waiting for my answer, every bit as tense as Marc was, and my heart throbbed within the vise of my chest. “I can’t…I can’t do this right now.” I could only juggle so many crises at a time, and I couldn’t afford to be rushed into a decision that would determine the course of the rest of my life. And both of theirs. I had to be sure, beyond any possibility of a doubt.

  Otherwise, I’d be ruining us all.

  Marc blinked. Reactions passed over his face too quickly for me to focus on, but the kaleidoscope of emotions ended in pain and anger. Then, suddenly, his face was blank. He’d locked me out, and that realization bruised me deep in my soul.

  “Fine.” His voice cracked on that one syllable, and he backed slowly across the room toward the door, jaw clenched. “But I can’t hang around and wait for you to make up your mind. I’m done with this.” One hand on the doorknob, he turned to Jace and spoke through clenched teeth. “Don’t let her follow me. Do you understand?”

  Jace nodded, mute. Obviously stunned beyond words.

  Then the door slammed, and Marc was gone.

  “No!” The closing door—a sight I would forever associate with devastating loss—shook my very foundation, triggering a tsunami of remorse and anguish I could not surface from. The pain inside was like nothing I’d ever felt. Dean could beat me to death an inch at a time and it wouldn’t compare to having my heart ripped out and shredded in front of me.

  Was this how Marc felt when he found out about Jace…?

  “Marc!” I raced across the room, but Jace beat me to the door. “Move! I have to catch him.”

  “No. Faythe, no…” Jace held me back, and when I tried to push him away from the door, he picked me up and held me. I reached around him, clawing the wooden door frame when I couldn’t reach the knob. My nails broke. Blood streaked the door, but I hardly felt that pain—my fingers couldn’t compare to my heart. To the other half of my soul that had gone missing.

  “Let me go!” I didn’t realize I was crying until I saw teardrops soaking into Jace’s shirt. “Put me down!”

  He set me down, but stood firm in front of the door, and I hardly recognized the pained lines spanning his forehead.

  I took a deep breath. “Jace, get the hell out of my way.”

  He exhaled slowly and stared straight into my eyes, holding me by both arms. “He doesn’t want to see you right now. I’m sorry. I didn’t want it to go down like this, but you heard him.”

  Yeah, I’d heard him. But I didn’t believe him. He’d dumped me once before, but that hadn’t lasted. This wouldn’t, either, so long as I could find him before he’d gone too far to follow… “Last warning, Jace. Move.”

  “I can’t. I’m sorry…”

  My fist slammed into his cheek, and Jace’s head smacked the door. “Damn it!” He rubbed his face and the angry line of his jaw rivaled the devastation behind his eyes. “You fucking hit me!” His blue eyes narrowed and he crossed his arms over his chest like a nightclub bouncer. “He doesn’t want to see you, Faythe. And I don’t blame him. You have a right to make your choice, but he has a right to his, too, and he made it.”

  I shook all over; the room blurred beneath tears I couldn’t stop.

  Jace sighed and uncrossed his arms. “Faythe.” I looked up to find him staring down at me, his blue eyes dark like the sky before a storm. “He’s gone.”

  “No…” I fell onto my knees, clutching at my stomach, trying to fight the hollow feeling growing inside me. “He can’t be. He promised…” I sniffled, and pain flared to life in my still-kind-of-broken nose.

  Jace sank to the floor in front of me, his back against the door. He pulled me into his lap and I wrapped myself around him, my chin on his shoulder, his pale stubble rough against my wet cheek. I put one palm against the cold metal door, willing it to open. Willing Marc to be standing there.

  But Jace was right. He was gone, and the closed door wasn’t going to deliver my miracle.

  “What am I going to do without him?” I whispered, as Jace’s hand smoothed my hair down my back and slow tears trailed toward my chin.

  He inhaled, and his chest expanded beneath mine, solid and warm. “You’re going to cry, then you’re going to pick yourself up and keep going, because there are a lot of other people depending on you now, with or without Marc.”

  Even beneath the weight of this new catastrophe, I knew Jace was right. I held him tighter. “But I get to cry first?”

  In reply, he guided my head onto his shoulder and stroked my hair again as I sobbed.

  Later, when my tears were spent and his legs were probably half-dead from lack of circulation, I sat up and leaned my forehead against his. “Thank you.”

  He rubbed my back with both hands. “Anytime.”

  “I’m sorry I hit you.”

  Jace frowned. “Me, too. Did it bruise?”

  “Yeah. Does it hurt?”

  “Hell, yeah, but probably less than your nose.” H
e set me on the floor so he could stretch his legs. “You want something to eat?”

  “No.” Maybe never again. “I just want to sleep.” Forever and ever.

  “No problem,” Jace said, but his familiar grin was noticeably missing. This wasn’t how he wanted to win. I knew that. But I didn’t have anything else in me at the moment.

  I cleaned up in the bathroom and changed into the tee and boyshorts I’d brought to sleep in, and when I came out, Jace sat in a chair at the table, fully dressed. Both of the beds had been turned down. His bag lay on the floor beside the one nearest the door, and he’d put my duffel in the middle of the rug between the beds. “Take your pick,” he said, and I wanted to cry all over again. Though I’d never thought it possible, I was tired of making choices.

  When I just stared at both beds, he went into the bathroom and closed the door.

  I turned out the light and climbed into the bed farthest from the door, turning to put the bathroom at my back. When Jace came out, he stood silent for a minute, and my heart ached for us both. I knew what he was doing. He was watching me not-sleep in the bed Marc had left cold and empty, instead of the one he’d be warming.

  My eyes watered again, and I hated myself. I’d lost Marc, and it hurt so much. But turning away from Jace out of guilt wouldn’t make any of us feel any better. Yet I couldn’t make myself say his name.

  Finally he sighed, and his footsteps headed for the other bed. Cloth rustled behind me as Jace got undressed. A moment later, the bedsprings creaked and the lamp clicked off.

  I closed my eyes, and the tears ran over.

  We lay there in the dark, but for the glow from the alarm clock, together, yet alone. Suffering similar brands of misery. I could hear him breathe. I heard his mattress creak every time he moved, and I knew he was listening to me not-sleep, too. But I couldn’t get his words out of my head.

  Could he be right? Was Marc gone for good? It hardly seemed possible. I could still smell his scent on the duffel he’d left behind. Had he left it on purpose, because he was coming back? Or had he abandoned it, like he’d abandoned us? When I closed my eyes, I saw his face, so hurt, so angry. Would it be any easier to live without him, knowing he was still out there somewhere? Or was he as lost to me as my father was to my mother?

  Would I lose Jace, too, if I shut him out? If I didn’t give him what was left of my heart, now that no one else wanted it? Would I be betraying Marc again by taking the only option left to me? Or would I be saving us all from further misery by finally making my decision—even if I no longer had much of a choice?

  Marc had made his decision. He’d left me with Jace. And I felt wretchedly cold and empty, lying in bed alone, when someone I loved—someone who loved me—was doing the same thing six feet away.

  I rolled over and Jace blinked at me from his bed, lying on top of the covers like he was impervious to the cold. He wore black boxer briefs and a frown. I swallowed, then took a deep breath. “You said I wouldn’t have to sleep alone—that you wouldn’t ask for anything. Did you mean it?”

  Something passed over his face. Something like relief, only deeper. Something that hurt but felt good at the same time. “Yeah. I’m good for whatever you need me for, Faythe. Just don’t push me away.”

  “I need company.” Warmth. Consolation by touch—the human-form version of werecats sleeping in big piles for comfort.

  He blinked again, and I barely saw him move. A second later, the mattress sank and Jace was warm beside me. The red glow from the alarm clock showed me half of his face and one deep blue eye. I kissed him, then turned over and snuggled into his chest. He draped one arm over my waist, his hand splayed across my stomach. His next breath was deep, and slow, and shaky, but true to his word, he just held me.

  I stared into the near dark and tried not to think about the war, and the men that we’d lose. Marc, whom I’d already lost. Jace, whom I wanted so desperately to keep, but couldn’t let touch me.

  I’d lost Marc because I loved Jace, but I couldn’t truly be with Jace, because I loved Marc. And it all hurt so deeply I could hardly breathe.

  “Are you okay?” Jace asked, and his arm tightened around me, pulling me closer. His bare chest was warm against my back, even through my shirt. His foot slid between my ankles, an oddly intimate contact that somehow demanded nothing.

  “He promised he’d stay,” I whispered, hating myself for letting Marc go, and for not being able to let go of him. “He promised my dying father that he’d stay and help me. He didn’t just leave me, Jace. He left us all.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Jace said, and I believed him. He knew what the loss meant to the Pride, as well as to me personally.

  “I don’t understand. He loves the Pride more than anything in the world. More than he loves me. I wanted to skip out on our wedding and elope, but he wouldn’t go, so I went without him. He chose you guys over me when I was eighteen. How could he leave us all now?”

  Jace had no answer. At least, none he wanted to say out loud. But we both knew I’d broken Marc’s heart.

  Jace sighed and brushed my hair over my neck. “He’s gone, and I can’t replace him, Faythe. But I love you as much as he does. And I’m still here. Doesn’t that mean anything?”

  I closed my eyes, and more tears fell on the pillow. I rolled over and kissed him, and when I finally pulled away, I met his tortured gaze so he could see the truth in mine. “It means everything.”

  That night, I fell asleep breathing Jace, still tasting him from our last kiss.

  But I dreamed about Marc.

  Thirty-one

  We got up early to make our flight and arrived at the gate with half an hour to spare. Marc wasn’t there, and it took every bit of self-control I had to keep from looking devastated by his absence. He still had his ticket—it wasn’t in the duffel he’d left behind, which I’d checked as my luggage—and we were headed back to his house. Where else would he go?

  What kind of massive bitch must I have been to run a man out of his own life?

  “He’ll be fine,” Jace whispered, pulling me close to drop a kiss on my temple. “He always is.”

  “I know.”

  While Jace took one last trip to the restroom, I called Michael. I’d already given him the thunderbird update, so when he answered, my unprecedented lack of an opening line was a dead giveaway that something was wrong.

  “Faythe?”

  “Yeah.” I fidgeted in the plastic airport chair, but couldn’t get comfortable.

  “What’s wrong? Did the thunderbirds back out?”

  Yeah, right. “Um, I think they’d move forward even if we backed out.”

  “Then what is it?” In the background, I heard pots clanging, though it was only five-thirty in the morning, their time. Obviously I wasn’t the only one having trouble sleeping.

  “Have you…?” I leaned back in my chair and covered my eyes with one hand, as if that would shield me from the questions he would surely follow mine with. “I don’t suppose you’ve heard from Marc, have you?”

  “Not since you left.” Michael hesitated, and I heard footsteps. Then a door closed, and the background noise disappeared. When he spoke again, his voice was soft. Bless my oldest brother and his flawless sense of propriety…. “Why? What happened?”

  “He left. I lost him.” And the admission hurt just as much aloud as it did rattling around in my hollow chest.

  “Because of Jace?”

  “Because I couldn’t choose.”

  Silence, except for my fellow travelers, chatting and sipping predawn coffee. Then my brother sighed. “I’m sorry Faythe.”

  I sighed and let my hand fall into my lap. The light from the airport was bright after my self-imposed darkness. “I’m just glad there’ll be plenty of ass to kick soon.”

  “How soon were you thinking?”

  “The day after tomorrow. That should give everyone time to converge. Could you call Uncle Rick for me? I’m about to get on a plane. If he’s good with the timing, I�
�ll call the thunderbirds when we land and tell them where to meet us.”

  “No problem.” But he exhaled heavily, and I knew that if Marc didn’t come back, his absence would be hard on more than just me.

  “Hey, Michael?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Don’t tell anyone else about Marc. I’ll tell them when I get there. It’ll be better coming from me.”

  “You sure?”

  I sighed, anything but. “Yeah.”

  Jace returned about a minute after I hung up, and we boarded the plane five minutes after that. He dozed during the flight, his fingers intertwined with mine. I stared at the empty seat on my other side.

  “Wait, he just left?” Kaci frowned at me from the couch and pulled her earbuds out of her ears, as if she may have heard me wrong. “He wouldn’t do that. Marc would never just leave.”

  My mother put one arm around her, but Kaci’s accusing gaze never left me, and it grew colder with each second. “What did you do?”

  “Kar—” Holly shook her head and started over, still trying to get used to the tabby’s real name. “Kaci, I’m sure it was nothing Faythe did.” Obviously looking for support, she glanced across the breakfast table at Manx, who sat nursing her baby, then up at Michael, who stood behind his wife, sipping a steaming mug of coffee. Neither of them spoke.

  “Yes, it was,” Kaci insisted, and no one argued with her. Except for Holly and Ryan, the rest of them knew about Jace and had no doubt already figured out the basics of how it went down. “The only reason he’d leave us is if he had to leave you. You dumped him again, didn’t you?”

  “Kaci, that’s none of our business,” my mother admonished softly, but her gaze held mine, equal parts sympathy and curiosity. She’d been in my shoes, and no doubt she hadn’t tripped all over the place in them, like I had.

  “It’s okay. She has a right to know.” I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned against the wall by the door, wishing for some of Michael’s coffee. “You all do.” Because Aaron Taylor was right—there was no such thing as privacy for an Alpha. Everything I did affected them all. “He dumped me.”