“I never saw you.”
“I was there because the woman I was with, I forget her name now, wanted to go. I don’t gamble in casinos. That’s a fool’s game. I have never understood the lure of gambling. The only time I gamble is when I am in control of the odds. You didn’t see me because I wanted to control the odds of getting you.”
“What did you do?”
“I got Semyon to find out about the jerk sitting next to you. I wanted to punch him when he gave me the news that he was your husband. And then I wanted to kiss his bald head when I found out what state your husband’s financial situation was in. Your husband had a weakness. He was a massive gambler. And I knew exactly how to exploit it.
“It was like fate handed you to me on a platter and said have at it. I set up Ziggurat and I waited for him to take my bait. It was so easy I almost couldn’t believe it. Like a fly to shit he came.
“Then a month ago I let myself bump into you. I didn’t think the attraction would be that strong but, hell, I wanted to throw you against the wall and fuck you there and then.”
“Why were you so cold to me?”
“I was afraid. I was losing control. Anything I had ever wanted I took without any emotional entanglement. It never crossed my mind that it would be different with you. It had never happened to me before. I started to hurt for you. I didn’t know how to deal with it and you kept throwing Nigel in my face all the time. Some nights I wanted to fucking kill him with my bare hands.”
“I never felt for Nigel what I feel for you. Not even a fraction. I was a girl when he met me. I loved him like a girl. I love you like a woman. He never made me feel the things you do. And the sex. Oh my god, the sex. To think I was going to live all my life with him and never experience what I have with you.”
He smiles. “I know. The sex is amazing, isn’t it?”
“You mean it’s not like that with all the other women?”
“Are you kidding? Never.”
I grin. Then I sober up. “Nikolai?”
“Yeah?”
“We’ll make it work.”
He kisses my eyelids. “We’ll take it one day at a time, little butterfly.”
Chapter Fifty-Four
Nikolai
Two Months Later
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otMgGp7XJEE
Like I’m gonna Lose You
That morning we wake up early. Autumn is in the air and it is still dark outside. Star stretches luxuriously. I pull back the sheets to look at her naked body. I’d punished myself for years but fate sent me Star. Made her so irresistible that it pulled me out of my self-imposed hell.
In the gloom her pale skin glows. I reach out a hand and caress her smooth hip. She looks precious. Beyond anything I own or could want. I need her to know it. If I die tomorrow, I will only be at peace if she knows it.
“I want to show you something,” I say.
“What?”
“Get dressed in your riding clothes. I want to show you my brother’s grave.”
Her face changes. Fear flickers in her eyes. I kept her in a state of insecurity. That flash of fear. That is what I need to destroy.
“Are you sure?” she whispers.
I smile gently. “Yes. It’s time.”
We go downstairs in the silence of the house. At the last step Star stops. “Remember that first night I came here when you stood there and I stood here.”
“It’s burned into my memory.”
“I thought you were the most magnetic man alive. I had goosebumps just looking at you.”
“I couldn’t believe my own eyes. How could a mere woman be so beautiful? I had to force myself not to scoop you up in my arms and carry you upstairs to my bed.”
“No regrets?”
I shake my head. “Not one.”
“Give me one moment,” she says, and runs lightly towards the big arrangement of flowers. She stands there for a moment. Then she picks a pure white lily. She walks back to me. “I’m ready to meet your brother.”
We go to the stables and I bring Belyy Smert out of his stall while she leads Miss One Penny. We get on our horses and gallop out to the north-west part of the property.
My brother lies in the middle of a beautiful rose garden. His tomb is made of marble with an angel to watch over him. We dismount and walk together towards the beautiful structure. I hold open the little iron gate and she walks through. We go into the stone tomb.
It is cold inside. I feel her shiver.
She walks ahead of me towards his tomb. She gets on her knees and bows her head. Now when I look at her laying the pure white lily on the smooth white stone there is a sense that life takes and then it gives. Life took him away from me and gave her to me. Blonde, beautiful, kind Star.
She looks up at me. “I love you, Nikolai,” she whispers.
For the first time ever I open my mouth and say the words. “I love you, Star. I love you.”
Tears roll down her face as she nods with happiness.
“I love you, Star, and I’ll love you till all the stars burn away.”
Chapter Fifty-Five
Nikolai
Two Years Later
I am so filled with excitement I can’t sleep. I just keep turning over and looking at the beautiful angel sleeping soundly beside me. Every time I look at her a warm feeling fills my entire body. I’m the luckiest fucking man alive.
Who could have imagined that a woman would bring the living corpse, Nikolai Smirnov, to heel? Perhaps because Star’s not just any woman.
We waited two long years for this day to happen. I told her she could have anything she wanted. The grandest and most lavish wedding ever. No expense spared, but all she wanted was a small gathering of the dearest of our friends attending.
“What Star wants, Star gets,” I said, and so she made her plan and in a few hours we’ll be husband and wife and she’ll be mine in every sense of the word.
And only mine.
God help any man who looks sideways at her.
Star
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUe8uoKdHao
Without You
It’s a glorious day with blue skies, and the sun is high above us when we leave for the church of St Mary in the beautiful Cambridgeshire countryside.
My father smiles at me. “You’ve finally found yourself a real man, Star.”
“I know, Dad.”
“Remember that time I was lying in hospital with a perforated bowel.”
“Yeah?”
“I was terrified I would die and leave you with Nigel, but now I feel good. If I had to die tomorrow, I’d go happy. I know you’d be taken care of.”
“This time does feel so different and so right.”
I reach a hand across to dad and he holds it. We just sit peacefully together. It takes us less than an hour to reach our destination.
The church is a quaint and magical place. Surrounded by ancient trees and beautifully kept lawns. A stone pathway leads up to the 16th century church entrance.
I take a deep breath and my dad squeezes my hand.
“Is my dress okay?’’ I ask, concerned that it has become all crumpled in the journey. My stomach is in knots and my hands feel clammy.
“I’ve never seen you look more beautiful,” dad says. Suddenly his face crumples and he begins to cry.
“Oh, Dad. Don’t. Please. You’ll make me cry too,” I say, fanning my face frantically.
“I’m all right. I’m all right,” he mutters. Whipping out the carefully pressed handkerchief from his coat pocket, he rubs it all over his face. Rosa comes bustling up the path.
“What’s the hold-up?” she demands bossily.
“Nothing. Absolutely nothing,” I say.
“Well, get on with it then.”
I take a deep breath and we walk to the church’s entrance. For a moment we stand there, as if suspended in time. Then everybody turns to look at us. My mother waves. There are tears in her eyes. I see Nikolai’s tall, imposing body t
urn towards me and suddenly the knot in my stomach is gone.
He doesn’t smile. He just stares.
The small church fills with Wagner’s Bridal Chorus and my father starts walking. I follow him down the flower petal covered aisle.
This is it.
This is it.
I can’t help it. I cry through the whole ceremony. I don’t remember a thing. I am just so overwhelmed, so incredibly happy, so astonished that I’m marrying Nikolai.
“You may kiss your bride.”
Nikolai wipes my tears with his fingers before he kisses me. Then we are hurrying out of the church. I look up at Nikolai. His light eyes are mesmerizing in the sunshine and he gives me a sexy smile. The dream becomes reality.
Chapter Fifty-Six
Star
Two Months Later
I wrap the package up in plain silver paper and tie it with a yellow ribbon. Then I put it into a silver bag. Carefully, I write inside the yellow card.
For my darling husband.
Without you there is nothing …
From your little butterfly, Star
I get into the shower and let the water cascade down my body. The shower door opens and I smile. A large hand touches my body. I turn around.
“Hello,” I say softly.
“Are you having a shower without me?”
“I had to. I’m very dirty.”
“How dirty?”
“You won’t believe how dirty I am.”
“Oh yes, I will,” he says reaching for the sponge. He pours soap on it and drags it across my breasts, under my arms, on my stomach.
“The dirtiest area is between my legs.”
He laughs. A lovely rumble that comes from deep inside him. He runs the sponge quickly over my crotch. That is surely not the way to clean something very dirty.
“Nah, that’s not going to work,” he says.
“No?”
“No.” He kneels down.
I sigh with pleasure and look down. God, I love this man so much.
The water sluices off his head, his face, his mouth, as his tongue swipes me gently. After I climax, he has his wicked, wicked way with me. His seed drips out of me, and the quickly moving water washes it all away.
I smile to myself. A secret smile.
We get out of the shower. I wrap myself in a bathrobe and pad into the bedroom.
“I’ve got a present for you.” I hold out the silver bag.
His hair is wet, plastered to his head. How is it possible that I still want to have sex when I have just climaxed twice?
He takes the bag. My mind records the moment. I watch him avidly. He takes the silver package out. He unties the yellow ribbon. He tears the silver packaging. He opens the plain grey box. He takes the bottle out and looks at it. Then he looks at me.
“Huile Douche?”
“Huile Douche.”
He nods a few times and I know what it is. He is speechless. Nikolai Smirnov is speechless.
“Hey, are you going to say something?”
“Do you feel all right?” he asks.
“Yeah. I’m fine.”
“I’m not,” he confesses. I realize that he does look a little pale around the gills.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m afraid for you. It will hurt you.”
I grin. “There are seven billion people on this earth and each one was born to a woman. I’ll be fine.”
I take the oil from him and pour a little on his hand. I rub it into his skin and take his hand up to his nose.
He inhales. “My god, you’re right. It does smell of fields of flowers, fresh air and sunshine.”
I laugh. “Told you so!”
Chapter Fifty-Seven
Nikolai
Seven Months Later
“Say hello to your son,” the nurse says, and puts the naked, mottled creature into my arms. I stare at him in amazement.
My son.
The noises around me blur.
He is so tiny I can almost fit him inside my cupped palms. His eyes are shut and his face all wrinkly and red. His hair is still wet and plastered to his head, but it is fair. His little fingers curl and uncurl. He opens his little mouth and makes a soft mewling sound … and my breath stops.
God, so much could go wrong.
A protective instinct so shockingly ferocious fills my chest. My heart feels as if it could burst with love for this helpless little thing.
“Nikolai,” Star calls.
I look up from my son’s face and gaze into the flushed face of my wife. She is exhausted, but triumphant. At that moment I love her more than I’ve ever done.
“You did it,” I say. “You actually did it.”
“We did it,” she says softly.
I look into her beautiful blue eyes. “No, my little butterfly. We didn’t do it. You did. You made this amazing boy inside your body.”
She bites her lower lip. It’s an old nervous gesture. I haven’t seen it in years. “Nikolai, you know how we said we were going to name him Mason?”
“Don’t tell me you’ve changed your mind again.”
She gives her head a slight shake. “I haven’t changed my mind. I’ve never changed my mind. I’ve always known the name I want for our son.”
I gaze at her, bewildered. We have been back and forth with a hundred names ever since we knew we were having a boy.
“I want to call him Pavel.”
The sound comes from somewhere deep inside me. I didn’t know I could make such a sound. It’s like a cry of terrible pain. But the pain is cathartic. Like the sharp pain of a boil being lanced. Afterwards there is relief and healing.
She looks at me worriedly.
Oh Pavel. All these years I wanted to call your name but could not.
“Pavel,” I whisper.
The child in my arms opens his eyes and looks at me. There is no proper focus. Just an innocent, utterly blank gaze. Then his lips move. Someone else will think it was a twitch. I know it is a smile.
Epilogue
Nikolai
Five Years Later
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tS26xch5U24
Coming Home
I lift my son from his horse and set him down on the ground. I smile at him. “Ready?”
“Ready.”
I tie our horses to a tree and pull the bunch of flowers from the holder on the saddle. I give him the flowers and we walk to the iron gate. He opens it and we go inside the tomb. Our boots echo in the still air.
I watch him walk to the grave and carefully put the flowers into the vase of water. He turns his fair head to look at me, and I am reminded of the first time I brought Star here. Life takes, and it gives. Life took Pavel away and left me wandering in the dark for years, but then it gave me Star and another Pavel.
“Daddy, can you tell me that story again?”
“Which story?”
“The baked apple story.”
“Ah. That one.”
He sits on the marble. “One day, Duscha made a tray of baked apples. She put them on a wire rack to cool. These apples were very special. The core had been removed and filled with Duscha’s secret honey-and-nut-filling recipe. Everybody in the family knew these were Uncle Pavel’s favorite treat. Like a bear that can’t resist honey, he couldn’t resist them either. He used to sit at the kitchen table and wait for them to cool. He knew he couldn’t eat them because we were supposed to have them for tea. Together. But that day, one of the baked apples was missing. Duscha asked him if he had eaten the baked apple.
‘I didn’t,’ he said.
‘Don’t tell lies. It doesn’t matter if you did.’
‘But I didn’t.’
‘If you didn’t, who did?’
‘I don’t know, but I didn’t’
‘Did you eat them, Nikolai?,’ Duscha asked me.
‘I didn’t eat them.’
‘Did you eat the apple, Mrs. Smirnov?,’ Duscha asked my mother.
‘No, I didn’t eat them
,’ my mother said.
‘Neither did I,’ my father said.
‘Tell the truth, Pavel. You won’t be punished,’ Mama said.
‘But I didn’t eat it.’
‘Right. If you admit it you can have another one. If you don’t, there will be no baked apples for you.’
‘Just say you did,’ I whispered to Pavel.
‘But I didn’t,’ he insisted.
‘Just say you did it anyway. What does it matter?’
‘It does matter. I don’t want to lie.’
‘You won’t get any apple if you don’t admit it,’ I warned.
‘It doesn’t matter if I don’t. I won’t tell a lie,’ he said.
That day poor Pavel had to sit at the table and watch us all eating our baked apples.”
My son nods solemnly at this point of the story. This is his favorite part.
“Poor Uncle Pavel,” he says.
“Yes, poor uncle had no baked apple. He went to bed sad that no one believed him. Then next morning Duscha was cleaning behind the oven and what did she find?”
“She found the baked apple.”
“That’s right. It had fallen down and rolled under the oven.”
My son grins. “Now is the best part.”
“Yes. Now is the best part. Everybody felt so bad that we did not believe Pavel, but Mama and Papa were so proud of Pavel because he was so honest that they decided to throw him a big surprise party. So we decorated the house with balloons and colored paper. Duscha made a whole tray of baked apples. Mama and Papa went out and bought loads of chocolates, sweets, biscuits and cakes. The table was so full of goodies that it groaned.”
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