Lost and Found

by Katrina Grillo

  “Okay,” Liam says slowly. “What are you thinking? What happened to working with Amanda?”

  I shrug. “It’s not for me. At least not right now. I like working here. Dad left this place to both of us, and I want to do my part. I want to know what goes on behind the scenes. Teach me the basics of what it takes to run this place.”

  Liam takes a breath and lets it out in a whoosh. “Okay, we can do that.”

  I swallow before presenting my other very, very rough plan to Liam. “And I want to get the kitchen running. Dad always wanted to do that and he never did.”

  Liam lets out a slow whistle. “That’s a big undertaking, Gem. There’s a reason dad never did it.”

  “I know. But I want to do it.”

  Liam is silent and I brace myself for him to turn me down.

  Instead, he smiles at me. “Okay, let’s do it.”

  “Really?” I say, grinning.

  “Yeah. You and me.”

  “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” I exclaim, running over to give Liam a hug.

  “Okay, okay,” Liam laughs. “This isn’t something that’s going to happen right away. There’s a lot of planning that has to happen first. You have a lot to learn about the business.”

  “That’s okay,” I say, giddy. “I’m ready.”

  “Let’s get you graduated first, then we’ll dig in.”

  Now that this plan is out in the open and Liam is on board, it’s like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I have a plan, a direction. One that I made all by myself instead of waiting for someone else to tell me what to do. It feels really good.

  My first inclination is to call Spence and tell him, and then I remember I can’t, and the heavy feeling settles itself right back on my shoulders. I came up with a plan for after graduation, now if only I could come up with a plan to get Spence back.

  Chapter Forty-Four

  Spence

  This breakup continues to suck. The only thing keeping me distracted is the band going on tour. It’s been a lot of planning, mostly being done by Max and Lucas, but I’m trying to act excited. If I’m being honest, I don’t really care.

  Agreeing to go on tour felt like the biggest “fuck you” I could throw at the entire Gemma situation, but it’s safe to say I didn’t really think it through. It’s too late to back out now, though.

  Maybe I should thank Gemma for forcing me to make a decision about what to do with my life. Though I’m not convinced it was the right one. All my tutoring gigs and freelance work will come to a screeching halt this summer. I have some money saved up but being without my usual income is stressing me out a little.

  Max and Lucas are thrilled. Feels crazy to me, since they both have girlfriends. A big part of the reason I didn’t want to commit to the tour in the first place was because of Gemma. Not just because I was worried her jealousy issues would get turned up to eleven if I was gone that long, but because I would miss the hell out of her.

  You know, like I do now.

  I’d been doing a little better with the breakup until I saw her in the parking lot the other day. I’ve been so careful to try to avoid the hallway and parking lot when she might be around, but I timed my run wrong that day.

  It was like I’d almost convinced myself she didn’t exist, and then seeing her reminded me that yes, she does exist. And I miss her like crazy.

  When me and Fiona would break up and get back together, it was always on her terms. She’d get angry and call it quits, and then she’d crawl back into my bed and announce we were together again. I don’t know what you’re supposed to do when you’re the one who did the breaking up and then you regret it.

  Not that it matters at all, because this tour is happening. By the time we get back I’m sure Gemma will have forgotten all about me, and with any luck I’ll have forgotten about her, too.

  Right now that doesn’t seem very likely though.

  We’re going to have to give up our spot at Kincaid’s while we’re on tour, and I volunteered myself to be the one to tell Liam.

  Max thought this was a terrible, insane idea. He wanted to be the one to go, so he could try to negotiate something for when we’re back in town at the end of the summer, but I insisted.

  When I get to Kincaid’s Liam is waiting for me. The look on his face gives me pause. I wonder if this is going to be it and I won’t even get the chance to talk to him because he’s going to come over here and kill me first.

  Surprisingly, I’ve never been in a fight. Not the physical kind, anyway. I have no idea how I’d hold up against Liam, but I suspect it wouldn’t end well for me. Kid’s built like a linebacker. I’m not too keen on the idea of his fist marring my face. It’s one of my better assets.

  Liam seems to mentally war with himself for a minute and then he walks toward me.

  Don’t put up a fight, I think. Just let him hit you. It can’t make you feel any worse than you already do.

  “Spence,” he says, and I flinch when he lifts his arm, but he reaches to shake my hand. “What are you doing here?”

  “Hoping to talk to you, actually,” I say, relieved he didn’t punch me.

  “Okay,” he says, hesitant.

  I take a deep breath and brace myself.

  “Gemma and I broke up.”

  “Yeah, I heard,” Liam says. “She’s really upset.”

  It’s hard to hear that. The last thing I ever wanted was to upset Gemma.

  “I wanted to apologize.”

  Liam looks surprised. “To me? Shouldn’t you be apologizing to Gemma?”

  “You told me to be good to her and I tried, I really did. But I never did anything to intentionally hurt her. Or unintentionally hurt her. I never wanted to hurt her at all. But I can’t be the guy she wants. So I’m sorry.”

  Liam shakes his head. “She doesn’t know what she wants. I appreciate you coming down here, though.”

  “There’s one more thing,” I say.

  Liam raises his eyebrows.

  I explain about the band going on tour, and when we’ll be leaving and when we plan on coming back.

  “Well, shit,” Liam says. “That’s good news for you guys but bad news for my summer lineup.”

  “I know,” I say. “We’re really sorry about this, but we couldn’t pass up on the offer. Max put together a list of some other bands that might be able to fill our spot though, if that helps.”

  “Is this why you broke up with her?” Liam asks.

  “No, not at all,” I say truthfully. “I wasn’t even sure I was going to go on tour with them. But now that we’re not together…”

  Liam nods. “Well, have Max send me the contact info for those bands.”

  “Will do. And, uh, one more big ask that Max wanted me to check on.”

  Liam raises his eyebrows expectantly.

  “You open to us coming up with a new deal to play here when we get back? We could start in the fall.”

  “‘Course you can,” Liam says, to my relief. “Do you guys have any idea how much money you’re making me?”

  He smirks and shakes his head, walking away.

  Chapter Forty-Five

  Spence

  We leave for tour in two weeks. Max and Lucas are all amped up about it, but I’m still not sure I made the right choice.

  It’s funny. I’ve avoided making any concrete decisions about my life in the year since I graduated college, but now that I’ve made one I’m convinced it’s wrong. Nothing I can do about it now, though.

  I’m doing my best to act excited about the tour. Both for the benefit of Max and Lucas and to convince myself. Lucas keeps telling me this will be good for me. I’ll be in my element and maybe that will help me snap out of this funk I’m in.

  Maybe he’s right. Maybe once we leave I’ll change my tune about the whole thing, but somehow I don’t think I will.

  We’ve been practicing like crazy, making sure everything is as good as it can be before we leave. On one hand, it’s keeping me busy. Helpi
ng to keep me somewhat numb to everything so I can float through my days, going through the motions. On the other hand, it’s annoying as fuck and exhausting. I’m heading to the practice space to meet up with the guys for the third time this week, and I’d really rather not.

  Usually whenever I leave or enter the building I do a full surveillance of the grounds, making sure there’s no sign of Gemma. Then I go inside and feel disappointed when Gemma doesn’t materialize in the hallway.

  Today I walk downstairs without doing my normal check. Which means naturally the second I start down the last flight of stairs, Gemma opens the front door and steps into the vestibule, heading right for me. She glances up and sees me, and we both come to a halt.

  We stand there, me on the stairs and her in the vestibule, for what feels like an eternity. It’s like being in a fun-house mirror version of the first time we saw each other.

  She stops in her tracks when she sees me, an expression of slight panic on her face.

  I walk down the last few steps and open the door to the vestibule, holding it open for her. It’s been too long since I’ve been this close to Gemma and my palms feel sweaty.

  “Hi,” I say.

  “Hi,” she replies, staying rooted to the spot. I expected her to blow right past me up the stairs without giving me a second glance. If I were her, that’s what I would do.

  But then again, I’m not moving, either. Then I remember the funny quirk she has with doors.

  “Sorry, I know you hate when I do that,” I say, and step into the vestibule with her. The door closes behind me with a soft thump and then we’re alone. Being in an enclosed Space with Gemma isn’t a good idea. I should keep walking right out the front door and not torture myself by standing here, but Gemma isn’t moving either. She’s staring at me with a look of determination on her face. I can’t tell if she’s about to yell at me or if she’s trying to keep herself from crying.

  “I miss you,” she says simply.

  “I miss you, too,” I admit. “So fucking much.”

  She steps over to me and pushes up on her toes, her mouth reaching for mine, and I lean down to meet her halfway.

  Her kisses are hot, urgent. Like a fire that’s out of control. Alarm bells go off in my head but I pull her closer and kiss her back, unable to resist. Her hands are all over me, snaking around my neck, tugging at my shirt.

  “Let’s go upstairs,” she mumbles against my mouth. Her hands slide down my waist to the bulge in the front of my jeans and it takes all my control not to take her right in the stairwell.

  I move away from her and take her hands in mine.

  “This isn’t a good idea.”

  “Please, Spence,” she begs. “Please.”

  Under normal circumstances that’s all it would take for me to give in, but I shake my head.

  “It’s not a good idea,” I say again.

  She pushes away from me, angry tears building in her eyes. “Why not? I thought you missed me.”

  “I do miss you.” I try to step closer to her, but she moves away from me, crossing her arms.

  “So then why won’t you go upstairs with me and fix this?” Gemma asks, desperation in her voice.

  “Because sleeping with you right now isn’t going to fix anything.”

  “Then what will fix this Spence? Tell me what you want me to do. Because this is horrible. I hate feeling like this.”

  This time she doesn’t step away when I move toward her. I go to her and pull her into my arms again, kissing away the tears that are now slipping down her cheeks.

  “Me too. I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, but I don’t know how to be the guy you want me to be.”

  “You already are. This is all my fault. I don’t care about any of those other girls. I should have trusted you.”

  “Well, yeah,” I say. “That would have been nice.”

  “I’m so sorry,” she says, leaning her head against my chest. “I promise I’ll be better. Can we please just get back together and put this behind us?”

  It physically pains me to answer her. It would be easy to say okay. To blow off rehearsal, go upstairs, and spend the rest of the night in bed with her. But if my time with Fiona taught me anything, it’s that trying to fuck away our problems won’t solve anything.

  “No. I don’t think we should.”

  She pushes away from me again, and the devastated look on her face crushes me. “Why? I don’t understand.” Her expression darkens. “Is there someone else?”

  “No, no Gemma,” I say quickly. “There’s no one else. But that right there is why I don’t think we should get back together. I’m leaving for tour in two weeks. Do you really want us to have two weeks together and then spend two months arguing? Because that’s what would happen.”

  “So what?” Gemma says, fuming. “You want to be single so you can go on tour and fuck whoever you want?”

  This is exactly what is stressing me out about going on tour. Because I know there’s a distinct possibility that could happen. Right now I can’t fathom wanting anyone except Gemma, but who knows what a week or two on the road will do to me?

  The thing is, I think I’m in love with her. And that scares the shit out of me. The tour has become an escape. A way for me to take some time and process these feelings. If I really am in love with her, there’s no way I’d be tempted to hook up with anyone else, right? The logic might be flawed, but it’s all I have right now.

  “I just don’t want to disappoint you,” I tell her.

  “You’re disappointing me right now.”

  Ouch. That hurts.

  “I think we need to wait and see how things go.”

  “I don’t understand, Spence, do you want to be with me or not?”

  I sigh and rub my hands over my face. “I can’t answer that right now, Gemma. I know I don’t want to be with anyone else. And I don’t want to go on tour and fuck things up between us any worse than they already are, but I don’t know what’s going to happen. I have no idea what I’m doing. I need some time to figure shit out. But I don’t want to lose you, either.”

  “That’s not fair, Spence.”

  “I know.”

  “I can’t imagine my life without you in it,” Gemma says sadly. “I hate not being with you. I hate not being able to talk to you. I’ve spent a long time not knowing what I wanted. And now I’m figuring it out I want you there, Spence. Can’t we figure shit out together?”

  It hurts to hear her say that, because I know how she feels. The amount of times I’ve picked up the phone to text her something that happened has got to be bordering on the thousands in the past few weeks. Talking with Gemma has always made me feel less alone and more like there’s someone who gets it. Who gets me. Losing that has been the worst part of all this.

  I shake my head. “I don’t think we can. Not right now.”

  Gemma’s bottom lip starts to tremble. “I don’t want to lose you, Spence. I’m afraid if you go on tour you’ll never come back to me.”

  There’s a sharp pang in my chest when she says that, because that’s what I’m afraid of, too.

  “I can’t imagine not coming back to you,” I tell her, because that’s also true. “But I also think we need this time apart.”

  “I hate this so much,” Gemma says, angrily rubbing the tears off her cheeks.

  “I know, I’m sorry. I’m going to miss you.”

  I pull her in for a hug and she hugs me back, wrapping her arms around my waist. I sink into the moment, trying to remember exactly how this feels so I can take the memory with me when I leave.

  “I’m going to miss you, too.”

  She steps away from me and wipes her eyes again.

  “Well. Hopefully I’ll see you when you get back,” she says.

  “I promise you will,” I tell her.

  “Goodbye Spence,” she says.

  “Bye, Gemma.”

  I turn around and walk out the front door, my mouth set in a hard line. My body is trying to
tell me to turn around and go back inside with Gemma, but my brain is forcing my feet to walk away. And my heart is breaking all over again.

  Chapter Forty-Six

  Gemma

  I spend the two weeks before the band leaves for tour completely numb. Every time I leave the apartment I pray I don’t run into Spence, because I don’t trust myself not to burst into tears and beg him to stay with me.

  “How are you dealing with Lucas leaving for two months?” I ask Amanda one day as I wallow on the couch, studying for finals.

  “Oh we broke up,” she says casually. “I’ll miss him, but it’s not a big deal.”

  Once my initial shock at this information wears off, I make her tell me the entire story. Apparently once the tour thing became a real possibility they’d decided they were better off as friends and “occasional lovers,” as Amanda put it.

  I’ve given up trying to make sense of her love life.

  It did, however, make me jealous. Why couldn’t something like that have worked out for Spence and me? Then I realized it would have never been enough. I don’t want Spence to be my “friend and occasional lover.” I want him for always.

  I don’t have high hopes for him coming back to me. And even if he does, I don’t have any illusions that he won’t sleep with anyone while he’s on the road.

  “You need to decide if that matters to you or not,” Amanda tells me when I voice my concerns to her.

  “What are you talking about?” I reply, incredulous. “Of course it matters to me.”

  “Okay,” Amanda says, with a look on her face that says she’s ready to settle into this debate. “The way I see it is there are three options to how this could all go down.”

  “Go on.” I sigh.

  “Option one, he sleeps with someone else on tour, or multiple someone else’s, and when he comes back he’s not interested in you anymore.”

  “Ouch, that’s a little harsh.”