Daisy Fay and the Miracle Man

by Fannie Flagg

  As the bride walked down the bridal path to meet her groom, she observed the presence of many relatives, friends and well-wishers, including the bride’s own hairstylist, known professionally as Miss Ethel, who was in the third row. A reception for the happy couple was held at the Elks Hall, where dainty tea refreshments were served from a silver tray, including petits fours and bridal mints and nuts. Also, souvenir rice balls in white tulle with green ribbon designed by Mrs. Jule Lewis were given each guest by Miss Patsy Ruth Coggins. Mrs. Willy’s wedding guest book was officiated by Miss Pickle Watkins and Miss Daisy Fay Harper. The bride and groom plan a honeymoon in Panama City, Florida, and will reside in Magnolia Springs.

  Christmas was gruesome. Every place was closed. The Romeos went to Jackson. Daddy, Jimmy Snow and I stayed home and watched the Perry Como Christmas Special with Rosemary Clooney. We missed Momma a lot. Neither Daddy nor I said anything, but I could tell he was feeling pretty bad. Pickle and Lem gave me a great ID bracelet and Grandma Pettibone sent me some underwear. Jimmy Snow bought me a pair of red suede fruit boots I wanted and Daddy gave me $20, but I already spent it getting everybody presents.

  I hate Christmas anyway. Who wants to put Christmas lights on a motel? I’ll be glad to go back to school. We get to be initiated into the Rainbow Girls in January.

  Kay Bob Benson got a car. I’ll be glad when Pickle and I are out of here. I hate the beach in the winter.

  I wish Daddy and Jimmy could make it through one night without getting drunk. Jimmy knows Daddy is supposed to stop, but he keeps drinking right along with him. I asked Jimmy if he wouldn’t stop so maybe Daddy would. He stopped for one day and then went back. I think they are both alcoholics. I read an article in Reader’s Digest and it said the alcoholic is the last one to admit it. I am going to try and get them to go to the Alcoholics Anonymous or they will both wind up in a rescue mission. Momma always believed Daddy could quit if he wanted to. He loved alcohol better than he did her and better than he does me because he gets real mad every time I ask him to give it up. Jimmy Snow is going to kill himself flying while he’s drunk.

  January 8, 1957

  I never wanted to be a Rainbow Girl. It was Pickle’s idea. We had to wear evening gowns for the initiation and I had to buy a new strapless bra. We waited outside the secret room at the Masonic Hall while they voted on us.

  Pickle and I had five sand crabs apiece in a handkerchief. I made her promise that if we did get in that secret room, we would throw them on Patsy Ruth Coggins for being so silly. We sat outside forever. Patsy Ruth told us they had a box they all go and put a ball in. If we got a black ball, it meant we couldn’t be Rainbow Girls.

  Finally, this big senior girl, Becky Bolden, came out to get us. She was the Sister of Faith, our conductress in our journey to the end of the rainbow. She did a secret knock and somebody inside did another knock. The door opened. Becky made the sign of the rainbow and we were led in.

  You should have seen the inside of that room. They had stars and rainbows on the wall, a huge cardboard Eastern Star, and in the middle was a stand with an opened Bible on it. They sang “Onward, Christian Soldiers” and marched us around the room in front of some big chairs where these dumb girls were sitting with crowns on their heads. Our conductress made us stop at each one. She would say, “This is the station of the Sister of Hope.” She took us in front of the Sister of Love and the Sister of the Moon. They had Sisters of everything you can think of.

  A group of old Eastern Star ladies were standing in the corner with their hands over their hearts. After we had marched around some more and stopped at the stations again, the Sisters said some kind of mumbo jumbo, and the first one asked, “What seek you here?” and the Sister of Faith, our conductress, said, “We travel in search of a pot of gold which ancient tradition says is at the end of the rainbow.” I figured they must keep all their secrets in the pot I saw over in the corner of the room. I couldn’t wait to find out what was in it.

  When we stopped in front of the Worthy Adviser, she asked us if we would make our town a kinder and gentler place in which to live, remembering that meekness and gentleness are those virtues which a woman can most effectively use. We said we would and I dropped my first sand crab right by Patsy Ruth Coggins’s feet.

  As they led us around again, they said a lot of stuff like “The Mission of True Womanhood is to be a wife, mother or sister.” I think we had to promise to be virgins and, in time of war, kiss the soldiers good-bye or something or another. I was too busy dropping my sand crabs to listen much. Finally, we got up to the pot of gold. This old woman in a white evening gown was standing there and said, “My dear girls, I am happy to welcome you into our assembly. We sincerely hope your initiation into the Order of the Rainbow Girls will be one of your happiest memories.” She lifted the top off the secret pot and was getting ready to show us what was in there when all those Eastern Star women started screaming and picking up their skirts and running all over the room, like chickens with their heads cut off. All ten of our white sand crabs were scurrying sideways over that red rug. The Sister of Patriotism was standing up in her chair screaming her head off. The Sister of Faith grabbed us and threw us out of the room and slammed the door in our faces. We could hear all kinds of commotion going on in there. Pickle was having a fit.

  She said we shouldn’t have dropped those sand crabs because there had been a Bible in the room. We would probably both go to hell and she would be thrown out of her church in disgrace. We would never be accepted at the Senior Radiator now, and it was all my fault.

  I told her nobody told me they had a Bible in there, and they shouldn’t have had so many secrets. She made me so nervous that I backed into a gas heater in the hall and my net dress caught on fire. I could hear it burning and it scared me so bad that I took off running, which made it worse. By the time I got downstairs the back of that dress split right in half and fell apart in the street. I was a block away before I noticed and stopped. When I did, I was standing in front of the Magnolia Springs Bakery in my underwear. Pickle came flying around the corner and brought me what was left of my dress, but it was just a handful of burned net.

  We had to walk all the way back to the Masonic Hall. You should have seen the looks on the faces of those men in the pool hall when we went past the window. If things weren’t bad enough, they ran out and followed us to the hall, staring at me. I guess by now there isn’t a man in Harwin County that hasn’t seen me half naked.

  As we turned the corner, all the Rainbow Girls and Eastern Star women were standing in front of the Masonic Hall. They had smelled the fire and come out, and there I was in downtown Magnolia Springs in my strapless bra and panties. I thought those women were going to faint. Someone ran upstairs and got me a coat, but we’re not going to be Rainbow Girls and Patsy Ruth Coggins won’t even speak to us.

  Here’s the thing. You would think they would have been glad I didn’t burn up, but no, they would rather that I died in a fire so they could have given me an official Rainbow Girl Funeral. They claimed I besmirched the pure reputation of the Rainbow Girls forever. It wasn’t my fault that dress was so cheap. The hell with them! My ponytail is also burned on the ends, and it will take forever to grow out. I never did get to see what was in that pot of gold!

  Half of the school isn’t speaking to Pickle and me. Those Rainbow Girls are supposed to be gentle and meek, according to the Worthy Adviser, but they called us some of the ugliest names you have ever heard, including daughters of Satan.

  Pickle got a terrible beating from her father over the whole thing, but the worst thing happened today. We walked by the Senior Radiator and guess who was standing there laughing and yacking her head off? KAY BOB BENSON! Horse pee!

  February 16, 1957

  Jimmy Snow didn’t come home the other night. We called up the hospital and sure enough, that’s where he was again. I sat down with Daddy and told him I was leaving if he and Jimmy didn’t go to Alcoholics Anonymous. I’d never been so mad and it
must have worked because Daddy promised to go and take Jimmy with him when he gets out of the hospital.

  Alcoholics Anonymous has a very good record, and they both might meet some nice people there for a change. You should see the scuds they run around with. One of them tried to get in my room once and banged at the door all night. If he had gotten in, Jimmy and Daddy were so drunk they wouldn’t have been any help.

  I felt bad after I had gotten so mad at Daddy because of what he and Jimmy had done for me, taking a chance on going to jail, but it is for their own good. Sometimes you have to treat them like children. We called Alcoholics Anonymous and if Jimmy Snow is out of the hospital, they are going to their first meeting on Friday night I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

  March 12, 1957

  Daddy and Jimmy Snow attended two Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, and I am proud of them. They both look better, and they say they feel better. Things are looking up.

  Today in Future Homemakers of Tomorrow, we had to learn how to lay a pattern. Who cares? I buy all my clothes at the store. Next week we are going to learn how to pack a suitcase correctly. That may be something Pickle and I can use for when we leave.

  They showed The King and I at the Magnolia Springs Theater and Vernon Mooseburger has decided he is the King of Siam. All he does is strut around and every time you ask him a question, he will answer you and say, “et cetera, et cetera, et cetera,” from the movie. He is full of himself. Who would have ever thought there would be a bald-headed movie star!

  The only thing I have to look forward to is the band is going to march in the Mardi Gras parade in New Orleans. I wish I knew something besides “Lady of Spain.” Pickle is going to teach me “Glow Little Glowworm” if she has time.

  Do you know what Lemuel told me? That all the girls in the Future Nurses of America Club are nymphomaniacs, which means they are all crazy for sex and can’t get enough.

  You should hear Amy Jo Snipes talk about how wonderful marriage is and how she and Nathan do their homework together. It is just too romantic! They live with her mother, so she doesn’t have to cook or clean or anything. I can’t imagine being married and going to high school. Oh well, at least she always has a date.

  We went to the drive-in with Marion Eugene and Mustard. That boy is all hands. I have to keep eating candy and popcorn so he will leave me alone. After the movie they always want to go parking. Mustard and Pickle sit and smooch. Pickle says she doesn’t like it but she will do anything, short of going all the way, to get a date to the Senior Prom. I am tired of fighting Marion Eugene off. Someone told him when a girl says no, she really means yes. I’d love to get hold of the person who started that one.

  April 1, 1957

  I think Kay Bob Benson ought to pay for a dentist, but she said she isn’t going to because it’s my fault my other front tooth got chipped. I should have gotten out of the way.

  We were marching in the Mardi Gras parade in New Orleans, and Kay Bob Benson was showing off. Every time we stopped, she did all her stupid baton tricks, throwing that stupid thing way up in the air and catching it behind her back. Once, when Miss Philpot gave the whistle to march, her baton came down and hit my saxophone and chipped my other front tooth. Now I have two chipped teeth. I could kill her. Not only that, it bent my keys and my saxophone won’t play at all. I had to march all day pretending to be playing.

  We had a terrible time in New Orleans. The bass drummer was hit in the head with a Coca-Cola bottle, and right after we got off the bus, some man called Edwina Weeks over to his car and exposed himself to her. That parade is dangerous if you ask me. They throw all kinds of stuff at you, and we had melted candy all over our uniforms. It will cost a fortune to have them cleaned. The only good thing that happened is that some drunk spit on Kay Bob Benson!

  P.S. “Glow Little Glowworm” doesn’t fit into any march.

  April 10, 1957

  Last night, before we went to the drive-in, Marion Eugene stopped by the pool hall to get some money from his brother. When he came out, he said, “Guess who is in there shooting pool?”

  I said, “Who?”

  “Your daddy and Jimmy Snow.”

  I said, “I don’t believe you. They are at the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.”

  He told me to go see for myself. I went in and sure enough, there they were, drinking beer. I am disgusted with both of them. It turns out they only went to Alcoholics Anonymous one time. Daddy made Jimmy leave, saying he wasn’t going to stand up in front of a bunch of reformed drunks and give his name and say, “I am an alcoholic.” Besides that, all they did was pray. They have been out every Friday night shooting pool. I give up. If I had some money, I would get my own apartment or go live in the Magnolia Springs Hotel.

  They should be ashamed to be setting such a bad example for me. And Daddy should wait up for me when I have a date. Jimmy is the only one that won’t go to sleep until he sees if I’m all right.

  Pickle told me the worst story about these two people parked in Lover’s Lane in the town where she came from. They were sitting there smooching when on the radio it said that a sex maniac with a hook on the end of his arm had escaped and was running around loose. Well, the girl got real scared and wanted to go, but the boy wanted to stay. They had a big fight over it. Finally, the boy got mad and drove off. When they got home, he opened the door and there was a hook hanging from the handle.

  Daddy and Jimmy don’t ever talk to me about boys and sex. I think somebody should tell me about it. I worry, because if kissing can get you pregnant, Pickle is in trouble. I know she won’t take a bath after her father or her brother have been in the tub because she’s heard of a girl that did that and got pregnant. I told her to take showers.

  April 23, 1957

  Pickle is in love with Tab Hunter. I had to sit through Battle Cry eight times. She wrote him a letter and told him he should star in a movie with Piper Laurie and asked him for a picture.

  We are going to be in the senior play. I get to play a waitress. I go over to wait on a table and Billy Hamp says to me, “How old are these eggs?” I say, “I don’t know, mister. I just laid the table.” I don’t think that’s funny, do you?

  Pickle gets to do four daffy definitions. They ask her, “What is a neighbor?”

  She says, “A person who’s here today and gone to borrow.”

  “What is a dentist?”

  “A bridge builder.”

  “What’s an Eskimo?”

  “A person who has to undress with an ice pick.”

  “What is a zebra?”

  “A horse behind bars.”

  She has all the funny lines.

  Mustard Smoot is doing an imitation of Tennessee Ernie Ford. And there’ll be a takeoff on Your Hit Parade. Miss Philpot is directing.

  We were in the school paper. I was named the Wittiest Girl in the sophomore class. Pickle was named the Girl with the Most School Spirit. Kay Bob Benson got the Best Dressed, naturally. Michael was named the Cutest Boy and Vernon Mooseburger was named Most Likely to Succeed. Patsy Ruth Coggins was the Sweetest. Oh, brother, they should have heard what she said to Pickle and me when we threw the sand crabs at the Rainbow Girls. She is not mad anymore, but her mother won’t let her take Pickle and me in her car. We have had to walk everywhere. What a drag!

  The Senior Prom is coming up and Pickle and I are going to get appointments at Nita’s Beauty Box and a full makeup at the Merle Norman Studio the afternoon of the prom. I couldn’t buy anew dress, so Pickle is loaning me her old aqua one and she is wearing one of her cousin’s. We are going to stay up all night and see the sunrise, and then we will all have breakfast at the Magnolia Springs Hotel dining room. It will be the first time Pickle and I have ever stayed up all night on a date. All the seniors do it. I can’t wait. Kay Bob Benson is not going to the Senior Prom because Flicka Hicks is not a senior. Too baddddd! But, as Miss Doris Day says, “Que Sera Sera.”