Walking Away

by Xavier Neal

  “Good…Good.…” He hums quietly. “Chart looks good. Seems you’ve put on some weight.” Dr. Chang’s brown eyes lift suspiciously. There’s only one long look before he notes, “Muscle mass?”

  I smirk. “Been working out a bit harder. Trying to keep myself in the best shape possible.”

  And keep up with my fucking wife and boyfriend who look like his and hers Sport’s Illustrated models.

  Dr. Chang nods. “Good. Staying fit and active is great not only for your physical health, but your mental one has well. How is physical therapy?”

  “Fantastic,” I damn near shout. “Or at least it was today. I felt something.”

  He crosses his leg and shoots me an inquisitive look. “What happened? What did you feel?”

  “My therapist was doing one of those sensory tests, and she stabbed me with a needle.”

  Horror hops on his face, which is when Gwen promptly corrects, “She didn’t stab him.”

  “Felt like a stab.”

  “And it wasn’t a needle. It was a thumb tack.”

  Dr. Chang grunts, “Hm.”

  His lack of enthusiasm causes me to snap, “Is that bad? Does that mean my body’s getting worse?”

  Seeing the alarm on my face, rushes him to continue, “No. It’s actually a good thing. It means the nerve endings are possibly beginning to register information to the brain again.” He places the tablet down on the nearby counter. “Did she discuss with you the possibility that if this continues your body may start to experience sharp pains or cramps in your currently immobile limbs?”

  “She did.”

  “Did she also warn you that they may be phantom pains? Pains your mind is perceiving as there when they are not?”

  Fucking pessimist.

  I nod.

  “Good,” he repeats yet it doesn’t feel good to hear. “It’s wise not to get your hopes too high up. As incredible as a recovery would be-”

  “Will be,” Gwen interrupts. “We’re trying to stay positive, Dr. Chang.”

  Her attempted shielding of me sparks a sweet smile.

  This type of protecting me I appreciate. It doesn’t make me feel emasculated. Just makes me think she believes things will turn around someday as much as I do.

  Dr. Chang acknowledges her stance with a nod. “Which is good. You should stay positive. Keep a healthy attitude. Keep trying. Keep striving. However, I want you to be aware that just because you felt something today does not necessarily mean you will continue to, nor does it mean we’re on a definite road to a complete recovery. I also want you to be aware that even if you do begin to feel your legs again, learning to walk as well as walk without assistance will be a very lengthy process.”

  “I understand.”

  He offers me a polite grin. “Great. I’m going to send you down the hall to get your blood drawn, just to make sure everything is in order there as well. Do you have any questions or concerns you would like to discuss?”

  My eyes cut Gwen’s sweet face a momentary glance.

  It’s probably time she knew. It’s definitely time I asked.

  I sit up straight in my chair with my attention firmly planted on the doctor. “I do.”

  “Go ahead.”

  Nervousness creeps up my spine. “Well um…recently, I have been experiencing…,” the words get caught in my throat, “um….there’s been some feeling in my um….”

  The steel expression doesn’t change.

  “My uh…penis.”

  Gwen’s grip tightens at the announcement.

  “I’m just….Well….Is this normal? Hell, is it even possible?”

  He folds his hands in his lap. “Your inability to get an erection has never been because of an illness, Jason. We conducted the tests. More than once as I’m sure you recall. Everything seemed to be in working order in your medical records, which is why I recommended you speak to someone about it because I believed it to be psychological.”

  I maintain my silence.

  “You went through quite a traumatic experience, Jason. The loss of mobility and feeling of your limbs can be just as mentally damaging as having them completely removed. Your lack of sex drive or lower interest in that department could very well be a result of unresolved emotional issues. However, I am not that type of doctor. I can’t claim for certainty that’s the reason you’ve been unable to get an erection. However, I can suggest, from a medical standpoint, that perhaps you should continue to do whatever it is you are doing lately that seems to be allowing your body to be less stressed. Sometimes stress alone can cause your body to respond in the way yours has.”

  Unsure of what to say I press my lips together.

  “Your penis has the medical capability to get an erection. So if you feel you are experiencing this or the start of this, it most likely isn’t your imagination. Between the possibility of your gaining feeling in your feet and now feeling stimulation in your genitals perhaps your body is experiencing some significant changes. I suggest you take a closer look at your routine or the recent changes in your routine to better spot the causes of this perceived progress.”

  Progress. A word I’ve been desperate to hear for two years. A word I always knew I would hear again about my legs, but not necessarily my cock. A word that feels perfect for this point in my life. A word that I will keep working with until it transforms into accomplished.

  I storm into our bedroom still seething despite the candy bar I scarfed down in the van.

  Is today actually happening or am I on some bizarre, fucked up prank television show where Ashton Kutcher’s Punked predecessor is going to pop out from behind a curtain and shout “Gotcha!”?

  “You haven’t said a word since we left the doc’s office,” Jason states from behind me.

  Turning around to face him, I throw a hand in the air. “What the fuck do you want me to say, Jason?”

  His brow creases. “I thought you out of all us would be fucking ecstatic to hear that your husband’s dick might actually work again someday.”

  “Oh, you thought I’d be happy to hear that I wasn’t fucking woman enough to give my husband a fucking hard on?” Ration doesn’t bother to check in. “You think I should be jumping in the fucking air to hear that after all this time I’m not even the goddamn reason your dick bothers getting up!?”

  “Who the fuck said you weren’t the reason?”

  “How the fuck can I be?!” I scream. “It’s been two years since you were able to get any sexual function down there, and it wasn’t until fucking Hudson entered our lives that there’s even been any type of response! Do you any idea how…how much it fucking hurts to know you’re not good enough for the man you fucking married?”

  “Are you fucking kidding me with this bullshit!?” Jason explodes. “I let another man into our fucking lives because I was no longer good enough for you and you’re gonna try to come at me with that shit?”

  “You two should really calm down,” Hudson says from where he’s leaning against the door frame.

  “And you shouldn’t be in this fucking conversation,” I bite.

  “Oh…how fucking wrong you are, Gwenny.”

  “Not in the mood for that shit.”

  He shrugs. “I’ll call you when I give a fuck.”

  Irritation lunges my body towards his. “Who the fuck do you think you are?”

  “A goddamn member of this relationship,” he retorts with a surprisingly even tone. “You know what the real problem here is?”

  “Why don’t you tell us, Dr. Phil? You seem to have all the answers to everything all the fucking time,” I growl.

  “Stop ripping his head off!”

  Jason’s defense of Hudson only fans the flames. “Stop being so overly protective of him!”

  “Both of you stop fucking yelling,” Hudson commands with enough force to clamp our mouths shut. “The real problem here is the fact you both keep lying about how you’ve let go of the past.” He slowly shakes his head. “One minute you’re perfectly fine wi
th your new relationship and the next you’re blaming yourselves over the previous failure. Truth is, you’re both to blame for your marriage falling apart. You,” he motions his head at Jason, “shut your wife out and stopped showing her she was worthy of being loved, while you,” he shoots a harsh stare at me, “started treating your husband like a broken child rather than a man capable of still performing like one. You both fucked up.”

  I fold my arms stubbornly across my chest.

  “And now you’re both fucking up again because now you’re not including me.”

  Shock appears on our faces.

  “You both have this habit of treating me like I’m an addition to your failed marriage rather than a part of the amazing thing that rose from its ashes. You both need to really accept that whatever you had in the past is completely over. It no longer matters. The why or the who or where to place the blame or guilt does. Not. Matter. It’s over. It’s gone. Let it be buried and rest in fucking peace. Continue to care about what we have built together and really begin grasping the fucking concept that shit changes.” He gives the side of his neck an uncomfortable rub. “People change. Wants as well as needs change. And what we have works only when we all understand that. When we all accept that we fulfill different wants and needs between each other.”

  Stillness uncomfortably settles between the three of us.

  He’s absolutely right. Come to think of it, he’s usually right in the relationship department, which is extremely impressive considering his lack of relationships prior to us. Maybe that’s what we provide for him. Stability he never found before.

  I sit down on the edge of the bed and sigh, “I’m sorry.”

  Both sets of eyes I adore fall to me.

  “Hudson’s right.”

  “Words that need to be said more often,” my boyfriend cockily states.

  “I still keep looking back and blaming myself for being the reason your body has stopped responding to me.”

  “But it wasn’t,” Jason quickly interrupts. “It wasn’t you…or at least not in that way. It’s probably what Dr. Chang said. It’s probably a mental block which I put up during the stretch of time when all you were trying to do was help me. Baby, there’s never been a day that goes by that I don’t find you attractive. Not one.”

  “He’s bragged about it since we met,” Hudson agrees with a smirk. “Same as me.”

  A smile begs to cross my lips. “Do you know that I’ve never stopped wanting you? Regardless of whether or not your dick wants to join in on the fun?”

  Jason shrugs, a bit of guilt clouding his eyes. “That’s something I’ve only come to terms with in the past few months. And it’s something that Hudson helped me discover.”

  Hudson’s smirk extends this time with pride.

  “I think….I think the change we made was best for all of us. I think falling for Hudson allowed us to fall for each other again. I think sharing our lives with him pushed us both towards something better than what we once had. I think instead of fighting about anything today, we should be celebrating.”

  “We should.” I nod my agreement. “You had feeling in your feet-”

  “And my dick.” Jason chuckles are joyful. “I’m almost a real man again.”

  “Chill out, Pinocchio,” Hudson teases. “Don’t start planning cross country jogs or thinking about a career in porn.” His grin turns playful. “Then again, you’d probably be great in porn.” We lightly laugh until he suggests, “Why don’t we have a little film fun tonight?”

  “Fuck no,” my husband grunts. “I don’t need anyone seeing the shit that goes on in this room.”

  “Or the bathroom. Or the couch. Or the kitchen,” I add.

  “You do know just because you film something doesn’t mean you have to upload it right?” A new excitement grows in his eyes. “This could be a really good couple’s therapy exercise for us.”

  Our faces both tilt sarcastically at him.

  Hudson lightly laughs again. “Just listen. Maybe seeing us all together would help ease some of the stress we’re all feeling. Maybe seeing from an objective viewpoint just how turned on Jason and I get by you might ease some of the lingering doubts.” He turns his attention to Jason. “And maybe seeing how Gwen and I practically come the minute you touch us will remind you how fucking much we both always want you.” His point finally turns inward. “And maybe getting some shots of us all together will help me see you two really want me in this as much as I wanna be in it.”

  I see the hesitation on Jason’s face yet can’t stop myself from surrendering. “Swear this won’t end up on any porn site?”

  His grin becomes blinding as he holds up his hand. “Swear we can delete it after we all watch it together.”

  Jason’s face hits mine with disbelief. “You can’t actually be considering this can you?”

  “I can.” My tongue wets my lips. “And I am….”

  He immediately lifts his eyebrows.

  “I think Hudson had a good point. And I think you had one about celebrating. What a better way to celebrate your body doing new things than by us doing new things?”

  “And the Academy Award for best supporting girlfriend goes to Gwenny.”

  While we don’t laugh at his joke, he does, which receives him sympathy smiles.

  After another couple of beats, Jason questions, “How is this gonna work?”

  Hudson gives the air a victory punch before proceeding. “We’ll just let the camera flow wherever it goes.” He gives Jason a wide grin. “Now, let’s get that ass of yours on the bed. You’re filming first.”

  Jason rolls over and eases himself onto the edge of the bed beside me. The minute he’s there Hudson’s mouth pounces his. I watch as their tongues tangle, the struggle for dominance a brutal battle. Jason grips the nape of Hudson’s neck though I’m not sure if it’s for stability or control. My hand glides across my husband’s pec to the nipple farthest from me.

  I give it a small caress and his lips fall from our boyfriend’s to groan, “Gwen….”

  His mouth briefly relocates to mine. Abruptly, I pull him away, push him back, and motion for Hudson to hand over his device.

  Hudson passes Jason the phone. “Hit record whenever you’re ready, Blondie.”

  He places the phone down beside him to tug off his white t-shirt. “Didn’t wanna have to stop recording to do that.”

  “Just means easier access for us.” Hudson winks.

  Neither of us waits for another invitation to relocate our bodies to his. My mouth immediately latches onto Jason’s nipple while Hudson takes a lower approach. I lazily swirl my tongue in circles around the hard nub, loving the way his body hums underneath me from the action. Out of the corner of my eye I notice Hudson has made his way up and is clamping his teeth down on the other side.

  “God that feels good,” Jason compliments though I’m not sure to which one of us.

  Not sure that I wanna know. I wanna believe we’re both delivering just the right amount of pleasure. I wanna start behaving that way. I wanna start acting like Hudson stated, like we’re all needed in this. Like we’re all wanted in this.

  I remove my mouth from his nipple and drag my tongue across his chest to meet Hudson’s parted lips. He feverishly captures mine, and Jason’s groaning vibrates through us. Our tongues briefly collide before parting to trace the muscles we were hovering above. More moans fill the air as our teasing descends lower. When we reach his waist, the two of us work together to remove the sweats he wears to conceal his thin legs and proceed by sucking his balls in a tandem. Our tongues crash together during our shared devouring, and the action only elicits more moans from everyone.

  “Fu…” is the only noise that successfully slips free from Jason.

  Without warning, Hudson completely stands back up. “Get him ready for me, Gwenny.”

  My mouth abandons Jason’s body to question, “Meaning?”

  We watch him grab the bottle of lube from the bedside. He tosses it my d
irection along with instructions, “Tongue first. Fingers next.”

  Surprise seeps into my expression yet the challenging way Hudson’s eyes are burning into mine encourages me to do as I’m told. Knowing I’ve never touched Jason like this before, I allow my eyes to steal a glimpse of his face. He appears around the phone with a look I know all too well.

  My choice. He’s not going to make the decision for me.

  I let my eyes swing back to Hudson who has ditched his tie and is working on his shirt.

  Letting go of any lingering inhibitions, I move Jason’s legs wider and relocate my tongue to new territory. At first swipe his entire body shudders. The reaction has me brimming with unexpected confidence. I let my eyes fall shut and my mouth continues to explore the taut area. I press my tongue firmly, hearing a distinct change in his breathing yet quickly learn that whirling it back and forth slowly receives whimpers of the word yes. However, when the tip of my tongue pushes in past the outer ring, his fingers fly to my hair, to lock me in place. “Oh shit, baby.”