A Love Like This

by Kahlen Aymes

  Ryan was calm on the outside, but I could tell he was freaking out a little bit in the way he moved around the room, his eye always on the monitor, swiftly sitting beside me then jumping up again. After Jenna helped to hook me up on the monitor, everyone left Ryan and me alone. The pain was intense at times, and Ryan would hold my hand and help me concentrate on the breathing. I did it to give Ryan something to do, when I thought it was basically all bullshit. It didn’t ease the pain at all.

  We’d been here almost ten hours and the sun was up, but the window blinds were drawn and the lights low. Ryan had packed a portable stereo, and it played songs from our playlist softly in the background.

  The last time he checked me, I was nine centimeters dilated and about ninety percent effaced. Ryan sat next to me and held my hand, studying my face. I just couldn’t look away from him, even as the pain tore through me. I squeezed his hand tight and focused on his gorgeous eyes. I tried to think about us and not the pain, about holding the baby and not how my body would probably rip in half pushing him out.

  “You’re amazing. Why aren’t you screaming? I know it hurts like a motherfucker.” Ryan was in his scrubs, a gown sitting ready on the chair, the lower portion of the mask tied around his neck so he could tie it up easily. His hair was hidden beneath the blue surgical cap and a fine sheen of sweat beaded on his brow.

  We were in a birthing room and would be able to stay in here unless there were complications. Aaron and Jenna waited just outside the door, while our parents, Ellie and Harris waited down the hall in the waiting room. I might be writhing in pain, but joy had a hold on my heart.

  “He isn’t coming into this world hearing his mother screaming.” My body seized again, but I kept my eyes trained on my husband.

  “You’re so brave. Just breathe, baby. Just think of it as a little closer to having our son.” His fingers brushed my hair back and wiped my forehead with a damp cloth. “Why aren’t you cussing me out for getting you in this position?”

  “I love you and…” Another contraction ripped through me. They were longer now and much harder. “You… you didn’t… do it alone. I really want to push. Can I?”

  Ryan moved quickly, pulling on some gloves. I bent my knees up, and when he put two fingers inside me and one on top of my stomach, it hurt like hell. My face crumpled and I bit my lip. “Jesus, it hurts, Ryan.”

  “I’m sorry, baby. You’re dilated, and not quite a hundred percent effaced, but yes, we’ll get you ready to push.”

  Ryan propped me up on four pillows and dropped the lower portion of the bed, pulling a chair in between my bent knees, and wrapping his hands around my thighs he scooted me gently to the end of the bed. He ripped off the gloves, tied the gown in place, and grabbed another pair.

  “Honey, I want you to put your feet flat up against my shoulders and use me as leverage. I’m going to hold your hands and help you as much as I can. I’ll pull you into a curled position to push during the contractions.” I did as he asked and his hands wrapped around my wrists.

  I nodded and bit my lip. Ryan’s eyes were trained on the monitors. “Another one’s coming, baby. Take a deep breath and hold it. One, Two…” I pushed so hard I thought the blood vessels in my face would burst. “Three… four…” He continued to count to ten, and then I let my breath out and sucked in another one. “Good job. Wait until the next one.”

  “Fuck, it hurts, Ryan!”

  “I’m sorry, it’s too late for meds, honey. You’re doing amazing!”

  Three more pushes and minutes that felt like hours later, sweat was starting to soak the forehead of his surgical cap.

  “Agggggggg….” I grunted as Ryan counted off again, my fingers biting into his, and my feet pushed against his chest so hard he’d probably have bruises.

  “He’s crowning, Julia! I can see him!” The excitement in Ryan’s eyes distracted me from the burning I felt as my body opened. “Stop pushing, now. Stop, okay?” His pull on my hands relaxed and I gripped tighter, trying to pull my body up, but instead of pulling to help me, he reversed his pressure, making it difficult for me to continue. “Baby, I need you to stop!”

  “I don’t want to! I want him out! I want him out! I want him out!” I yelled at him.

  “Julia, stop or you’ll tear. Jesus!”

  “What’s wrong?” I asked, panicked, and lay back trying not to push. I looked up at the ceiling.

  He unwound his hands from mine. “I can make this easier with an episiotomy, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to cut you.”

  I was panting for breath. “Just do it, Ryan. If that’s what we need to do… do it!”

  Ryan nodded. “You’ve been pushing about 35 minutes. As soon as the next contraction starts, I’ll do it, and you push through it. It will help you not feel it as much.”

  “Okay,” I licked my lips and nodded rapidly.

  “Jesus, Julia…” His eyes were tearing up. “I’m so sorry to put you through this.”

  “I wouldn’t go through this for anyone else. But it’s you and me, Matthews. He’ll be worth it. You’ll see.”

  A little cry broke from his chest. “I love you so fucking much!” His voice cracked just as my body contracted again.

  “Okay, here we go,” he said.

  I took a deep breath and tried to use my elbows as leverage. My feet were still against him, but I no longer had his hands to pull me forward. I pushed with all my might, concentrating on getting the baby out. The muscles in my thighs and arms started to shake.

  Ryan set the scalpel back on the metal tray. I vaguely registered the blood.

  “Push, baby, here he comes. His head is almost out. Stop when I tell you, okay?”

  “Ernnnnnn….” I pushed as hard as I could. My face felt like it was ready to explode with the effort.

  “Okay, stop.”

  “What’s happening?” I asked, panting.

  “I’m making sure the cord isn’t caught around his neck and clearing out his nose.” He reached for something and I heard this sucking sound as he sucked out the baby’s nose and mouth.

  “What’s he look like? Is he bald?”

  “My son is not bald.” Ryan’s brilliant blue eyes locked with mine for a second. They were all I could see of his face. “He has lots of dark hair.”

  I smiled and started to cry.

  “Okay, baby. One more big one.”

  I sniffed and sucked in my breath. It took just a second or two before the baby slid from my body, and Ryan was lifting him up to rest on my chest and stomach. I gazed at my baby. He wasn’t making a sound. Ryan grabbed a towel and started to briskly rub the blood and white gunk from his skin. The baby sucked in his first breath and started to wail.

  I was laughing and crying at the same time. “Oh my God. He’s gorgeous.”

  Ryan came to me and kissed me, one arm behind me and the other around me and our baby. “He’s a miracle. He’s perfect. He has huge balls.” He laughed happily, staring at Aiden.

  I laughed out loud, tears raining from my eyes. I touched his downy cheek with my finger.

  At the sound of the baby crying, Jenna burst through the door, fully dressed in a surgical gown. She looked at the three of us and smiled. “Time of birth?” Her eyes rolled as she waited for Ryan to tell her.

  “Oh, shit.” He looked at the clock. “About five minutes ago.”

  Jenna huffed, her smile hidden by her mask, but I could see it in her eyes. “Dickhead.”

  Ryan laughed, and she smiled at me and took a good look at her nephew, still crying in my arms. Jenna handed me a receiving blanket and helped me wrap it around Aiden’s little pink body,

  I snuggled him close to my chest, examining every perfect thing about him. “Hey…” I hushed him. “It’s okay… You’re okay.” He stopped crying and looked up at me with dark eyes. It was hard to tell now, but I hoped with all my heart that his eyes would be as blue as his daddy’s. I leaned in to kiss his little head. He was so tiny. Jenna moved away then came back and put a l
ittle hat on his head.

  “Give me the little man. Time to weigh him and all that shit.” Then she took Aiden from me.

  Ryan changed gloves again. “Sorry, baby. We’re not quite done. I’ll need one more push to deliver the placenta then I’ll need to stitch you up.”

  To say that was the grossest thing ever would have been an understatement and I was glad when it was over. When Ryan finally pulled the gloves and mask off, he stared into my eyes, both of us getting choked up as he gathered me close. He laid his head down on my chest and, I wrapped my arms around him. When he looked at me, we were both crying.

  “Thank you. He’s amazing. You’re still everything. Only now, Aidan is part of us. It always amazes me how there is always more and more love… it blows my mind.”

  I nodded and kissed his mouth, clutching him close. Jenna was discrete, giving us some privacy with her back to us, cuddling our little son and speaking to him in hushed tones.

  I was yearning to hold Aidan, so Jenna gave the baby back to me, and Ryan went to tell the others.

  After everything was cleaned up and we were finally alone again, the baby suckling at my breast, Ryan went to the duffle bag setting in the chair. “I got you this for Valentine’s Day before I came to Paris. But, after I found out about the baby, I decided this was the day to give it to you.”

  He handed me a book, and I looked at it, puzzled until it finally registered. It was a copy of Dorian Grey. I opened the front cover, and the words he’d written inside made my breath catch. My mind flew to the night we made love for the first time, when he woke to find me drawing his portrait.

  ~J

  You’ll always have my soul…

  Forever,

  ~R

  I couldn’t help starting to cry and moved over in the bed so Ryan could crawl in with me. He gathered me close, and I held our son and love was like a tidal wave around us. His head rested against mine, and I stared into his eyes. The fingers of Ryan’s other hand curled around my wrist on top of the bundle.

  “Me, too. No getting around it. Even if I didn’t want to love you, I would.”

  “That works, ‘cause you’re stuck with me.” He smiled a soft, teary smile. “I mean, us.”

  Julia was luminous and took to motherhood with an easy grace. Aidan would hush at the mere sound of her voice, and it filled me with so much pride and love, I thought I’d burst. I knew how he felt though. I was a slave to that voice, too. His hair was dark like hers, but he was the spitting image of me. The portrait that hung above the crib was an amazing likeness.

  Our family and friends stayed in town until Julia had been home for more than a week. With all of our bedrooms spoken for, only Marin and Paul stayed with us and Ellie, Harris, and my parents at Aaron and Jenna’s place. Everyone loved Aidan’s name and the grandparents doted on him, even Aaron got a little sappy when I’d told him how we decided on it. Everyone was happy to see Ellie and Harris back together, especially Julia. Apparently, Harris would only reconcile when she finally agreed to marry him, and she was sporting a big rock.

  About two weeks after the baby was born, Julia made a beautiful brunch before everyone left with tearful goodbyes and promises to come to visit soon. Our mothers were the worst, both of them bawling their eyes out. My dad rolled his eyes and smiled over my mother’s head, and he almost dragged her out the door. Everyone planned on returning in December. Aiden would be four months old, and there was nothing that would keep those grandparents away from his first Christmas.

  That was a month ago, and the time had flown by in a blur. I couldn’t wait to get home from the hospital, anxious to get my hands on my son. He was growing so fast, everyday a little different, and I didn’t want to miss a second of it. I glanced down at the baby in my wife’s arms, and Julia handed him to me. “Time for bed, Daddy.” She gave me a warmed bottle of breast milk and went to take a bath. I welcomed the task, because I loved time alone with him.

  He was a good baby and hardly ever cried. I smiled down at the little face and patted his bottom. “You don’t cry because Mommy and Daddy don’t let you cry, do we, Aidan?” The baby version of my blue eyes looked up at me quietly, as if he understood everything I said. Julia was an amazing mother and my little man wanted for nothing. He was healthy as a horse and happy.

  I settled in the rocking chair with just one small lamp casting a golden glow through the room. Aidan suckled away at the bottle, his little eyes were closed, his skin translucent, his tiny hand fisted and resting against mine. He was fresh from his bath and I inhaled the scent of baby powder. I kissed the top of his head, his mini-me dimples showing up as he sucked. I grinned from ear to ear at the wonder that was my son. Life was perfect. It wasn’t long before he’d finished his bottle and was sleeping soundly all swaddled up in his crib.

  I made sure the baby monitor was on and then went to find Julia. It would be about three hours until our son would need attention, but I’d take advantage of the time. It had been a long six weeks without making love to her, and I ached to have her. Our room had a soft glow of candles and smelled like vanilla. Julia was under the covers waiting and watching me as I wordlessly discarded my clothes, my eyes burning into hers.

  The poem I’d written last Christmas hung centered above the headboard, and the words reverberated in my head as I peeled back the covers and gathered my naked wife close to me. She welcomed me into her embrace wordlessly, and I came to settle above her, into the cradle created by her body. I was hard before I’d undressed, realizing she had the same intentions for the evening as I did. I was hungry for her, but my movements were slow as I gazed deeply into her eyes and let my mouth roam over her cheekbone, her eyelids, and jaw. My need was great, but my love was greater and I wanted Julia to feel it in every breath.

  She sighed as my mouth moved lower, and between kisses, I murmured the words that defined what she meant to me. But even these words, that hurt so much they could have been written in blood, could never be enough to describe how deeply she affected me, how she filled my heart, how she gave meaning to my very existence… and how every day, incredibly, impossibly, it was always more…

  This Mad, Mad Love

  Words cannot express…

  All I feel for you.

  As I search for explanation,

  I am certain it is more than love…

  A living thing,

  Yet undefined by mere mortals…

  Maybe even God,

  You are my breath,

  Yet you steal it away…

  You are my heartbeat,

  Yet you stop it with one brief glance…

  Without you, I am lost.

  I am nothing…

  A bottomless abyss,

  Empty and waiting

  To be filled by you.

  I ache to touch you,

  To taste you,

  To fulfill you,

  To have you…

  Our ecstasy is beyond imagining.

  I consume you,

  Yet am consumed by you…

  Your beauty slays me.

  Your touch unravels me.

  I am humbled by these emotions,

  Yet empowered, because you are mine.

  I am you and you are me;

  Never to be parted.

  To lose you, would be to lose myself…

  To cease to exist.

  For there is nothing for me

  Forever…

  But you,

  And this Mad, Mad Love…