by Cassia Leo
Adam leans close to me, puts his lips next to my ear, and whispers, “Do you want to tell me what the fuck is going on?”
The bartender looks at me and I shout, “A glass of water, please!”
The bartender looks annoyed at my request, but he quickly fills a glass with some ice and water and slides it across to me. I take a long swig, letting the icy liquid cool the spicy food, and the secrets, burning inside me. I don’t feel well.
I turn to Adam and his nose bumps mine. I can feel the heat of his breath on my mouth and I want to kiss him—not just to make him forget about the question he just asked. I want to kiss him to burn the memory of his lips into my brain because I have a bad feeling everything is going to change after tonight.
“Can we talk about it after the show?” I ask, and my stomach clenches as I realize this is not a stall tactic. I’m ready to tell him. I will tell him everything.
He nods then plants a soft kiss on my lips. I set my glass of water down on the bar and throw my arms around his neck. I need to feel his warmth. He wraps his arms around my waist and chuckles in my ear.
The crowd behind me explodes with cheers and applause and I know what I’m going to see if I let go of Adam and turn around. I tighten my grip on his neck as my heart pounds against his.
“Claire, the show’s starting,” he says, his voice strained from how tightly I’m holding onto him.
I finally release my grip and he smiles down at me as he nods toward the stage. I close my eyes as I turn around.
You can do this. Just open your eyes and get it over with.
I slowly open my eyes and there he is.
Chapter Nineteen
Relentless Music
The blue spotlights cast a melancholy glow over the stage as Chris positions himself on his stool in front of the microphone. The drummer behind him is ready to go. It’s Jake. I turn to the guy holding the bass guitar on Chris’s right and I see Tristan. Jake and Tristan are Chris’s old band mates who he basically dumped to go solo last year. It seems they were able to set aside the colossal grudge they’ve been carrying to play this gig.
Chris finally looks up from his guitar and my heart flutters. He looks exactly the same as he did a year ago. The same messy brown hair; the same dark eyes that turn down slightly at the corners, giving him that lost puppy dog look; the same full lips I’ve kissed a million times. I can’t see if he still has the nose piercing, but I can see the light glinting off a new lip piercing. He’s even wearing a ratty black UNC hoodie he wore when we were together. I don’t know why I expected him to look different. I’ve been carefully avoiding his music videos and magazine articles, though I did read the Rolling Stone article only because it was in the employee restroom at the café for weeks and I was feeling a bit masochistic that day.
I glance around the room and everybody is so excited. You can feel the energy in the air shifting, as if everybody in this room is holding their breath waiting for those first few notes. The ticking sound of Jake’s drumsticks tapping the rim of the drum focus my attention back on the stage.
Finally, Chris brings his lips to the microphone and speaks in that soothing voice with just a hint of a rasp. “What’s up, Raleigh?”
The crowd cheers and some people shout back, “What’s up, Chris?”
I feel as if I’m fifteen again and watching him play on the living room floor for the first time when he played In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel. Chris was always light-years ahead of his band mates—an old soul. He loved classic rock and blues. He made me listen to Miles Davis’ greatest hits over and over until I could name each song just from hearing the first few notes. He was obsessed with music and that obsession made his dreams a reality.
A tear slides down my cheek as my heart swells with pride. I made the right decision breaking up with Chris. If he had stayed in Raleigh, none of this would have been possible.
The first notes of the song play and it’s an up-tempo song about a girl who writes love notes. This song is not about me and, though I know it shouldn’t matter, I really don’t want to imagine it’s about a real person.
Adam slips his arms around my waist and I smile as I lean my back into his chest. He kisses the top of my head as the song changes and I hear the first few notes of “Sleepyhead.” I clench my teeth together and take a deep breath. If I can make it through this, I can make it through the rest of the night. Adam deserves it.
“You’re shaking,” Adam says in my ear, and I can barely hear him over the music.
“I’m fine!” I yell, but I don’t turn my face toward him. I’m afraid he’ll see what I’m feeling.
I do still miss Chris. This is why I never watch MTV or listen to the radio. It’s why I deleted all his songs from my music collection and stashed everything that reminds me of him in boxes that are now collecting dust in Senia’s parents’ garage. I miss him. Every day.
I close my eyes and take another deep breath as he belts the chorus with so much emotion in his voice; it’s no wonder all these girls are in love with him.
Adam leans down and presses his lips to my ear. “Remember the excuse you gave me when you rejected my offer to take you on a date?”
I think about the day he almost ran me over with his truck when I was running away from the party, and Joanie, five weeks ago. I told him I couldn’t go to lunch with him because I was sleeping in late.
It dawns on me that he’s listening to “Sleepyhead” and thinking of that day.
I turn around and face him because I can’t watch Chris and listen to this song and listen to Adam say this all at the same time. Adam lifts my chin and his eyes search my face for something. He knows something is off, but he can’t quite figure it out. I force a smile, but he doesn’t look convinced. I guzzle down the rest of my glass of water and finally the song ends. I let out a deep sigh as I turn around again.
The rest of the set is comprised of songs I don’t think were inspired by me and a few covers. I’m feeling really good about myself for making it through the entire concert until the last song starts.
I’ve never heard the title track of Chris’s album, Relentless. The single hasn’t been released yet, but as soon as I hear the first few lines, I know it’s about us.
“We kissed under the trees, and talked about missing things. I wish I could have held you in; held in the heat of your breath; held onto you and I at our best.”
I do the one thing I think can save me from this moment. I spin around, pull Adam’s face to mine, and kiss him. Not a hard, hungry kiss, but a slow, sensual kiss. The kind of kiss that makes time stop and everything disappear. All I can feel is the curve of his mouth as it fits into mine. All I can smell is the faint hint of beer on his lips. All I can taste is the slightly sweet alcohol on his tongue.
“Having fun?” Joanie shouts.
“Ouch!” Adam yelps as I accidentally bite down on the tip of his tongue.
“Sorry!” I stroke his cheek and kiss the corner of his mouth, trying to ignore the fact that somewhere behind me Joanie is watching us.
“I’m okay,” he says, then licks my cheek to prove it.
“Ew!” I squeal and he laughs.
“Aren’t you two adorable?” Joanie yells into the back of my head.
She’s obviously drunk. I should ignore her, but I’m so tired of her shit. I turn around and look her in the eye so she knows I know she’s there. Then I turn back to Adam and kiss him—hard this time.
I can hear her cackling behind me and I break away before I round on her. “Fuck off, Joanie!”
“You sure moved on quickly. What would Chris think?”
I take a step forward to get in her face and Adam’s hands lock around my arms. “Chris and I aren’t together anymore!”
“You know what I’m talking about!”
The song ends and she smiles as she spins around, cups her hands over her mouth, and shouts, “CHRIS! CLAIRE GAVE YOUR BABY UP FOR ADOPTION!”
The room is dead silent as Chris’s eyes da
rt over the crowd toward Joanie’s voice and lock on me. I’m frozen. This can’t be happening.
Then Adam’s hands fall away from my arms and I know I’m alone. I’m more alone in this moment than I have ever been in my life, with the weight of hundreds of eyes pressing in on me.
Chapter Twenty
Relentless Decisions
Before anybody can stop me, I dart for the exit. I dodge Senia as she reaches for me, pushing aside anyone who gets in my way. I need to get out of here. I burst through the exit onto Blount Street and the rain pours down on me, giving new meaning to the name Pour House.
I glance up and down the street, trying to figure out which direction we came from the hotel, but I can’t see anything I recognize through the relentless rain. It doesn’t matter. I probably won’t be staying at the hotel tonight anyway. Adam won’t want anything to do with me after this.
I take off in the direction we came from the restaurant and race past Bida Manda. I’ve taken no more than ten steps before someone grabs my wrist and spins me around, but it’s not who I expect.
It’s Chris.
“Oh, God,” I whimper.
It’s happening. The day I’ve been dreading for almost a year.
“What the fuck?” he shouts, looking as confused as I felt the day I found out I was pregnant. “Claire, please tell me it’s not true.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper over and over. “I’m so sorry.”
I’m only vaguely aware of the crowd forming around us. The hands are everywhere, reaching for me, reaching for him. Suddenly, we’re both being pulled away. My feet leave the pavement and I’m floating toward an open car door. I’m stuffed inside and the door is slammed shut. The tires squeal as the car drives off.
I look to my right and Chris is leaning forward with his hands clutching his hair. “How could you do this to me?”
“I was scared and I didn’t want to ruin your life.”
“After everything we went through.” He shakes his head, but he still won’t look at me.
I don’t know what’s worse, knowing that Chris knows or knowing that Adam knows and I can’t be there with him to explain.
“You need to take me back.”
“They’ll mob you.”
“I don’t care. My friends are there.”
He finally sits up and glares at me. “I don’t get it. We talked about having kids.”
“When we were older. Not now. We weren’t ready. You think if you’d had a choice you would have chosen to start a family and give up everything you’ve worked for?”
“I didn’t have a choice!”
The anguish in his voice makes the hair on my arms stand up and the tears come faster than the rain. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I’m not sorry that you got to live your dream.” He watches the tears rolling down my face and I can feel him getting anxious. “I saw you tonight; all those girls screaming and crying for you. You can’t tell me you’d give all that up to be stuck with me in some fucking suburb in Raleigh with a mortgage and a screaming baby? That’s not what you wanted then and it’s definitely not what you want now.”
“You’re crazy if you think I’d rather have this.” He moves toward me and I don’t flinch when he takes my face in his hands and brushes the tears from my cheeks. Not even a little. “You don’t know me at all if you think I’d rather lose you and my child.”
The palms of his hands are warm against my damp skin, but his fingers are calloused from strumming those steel guitar strings. Suddenly, I’m back in my bedroom at the Knight house where Chris left me over a year ago.
“You know we’re both going to regret this,” he says as he cradles my face in his hands.
“I know, but I don’t care.”
He kisses me and my entire body relaxes as I lie back on my bed. This is what Chris and I are meant for and I need it just one more time before it’s over. I need to feel him moving inside me. I need to feel the weight of him on top of me. I need to feel safe with him one last time.
He lays his palms flat on either side of my head then runs his tongue over my top lip. A chill passes through me and pulses between my legs.
He pulls his head back and looks me in the eye. “I love you, Claire. I’ll never stop loving you.”
I grab the back of his neck and pull him to me. I wrap my legs around his waist and he grinds against me. There are too many layers of clothing between us. I reach for the button on his jeans and he moves my hand away as he kisses my neck.
“Slow down. We have all night.”
His hand slides under my shirt as he gently sucks on my earlobe. I lift my back so he can undo my bra. I hastily peel off my tank top and bra then toss them aside. His fingers move lightly over my stomach until he reaches my breast. I draw in a sharp breath as his mouth covers my nipple. He licks me slowly and torturously, moving from one breast to the other as his hands unbutton my shorts. I lift my hips so he can pull them off, but he leaves my panties on. He takes his shirt and jeans off and tosses them onto the floor before he settles himself between my thighs again.
I can feel him stiff between my legs as his bare chest slides over my breasts. He kisses me and I gasp as his tongue parts my lips and thrusts inside my mouth. I clutch handfuls of his hair to keep his head still. I don’t want him to move. I don’t want to ever stop kissing him.
He grinds himself against me and my panties are soaked with the need to have him inside me. “Please, Chris,” I whisper against his lips.
He kisses my neck as his lips travel down to the hollow of my throat. His tongue traces a line straight down my center until his face is between my thighs. He pulls my panties off and pauses for a moment. I look down to see what he’s doing and he’s staring at me.
“I’m going to miss this,” he says, before he kisses me so lightly I can barely feel it.
His fingers part my flesh and he kisses me tenderly, teasing me with feather soft licks. The pleasure builds inside me and I grip the blanket underneath me to keep from writhing.
“Oh, Chris,” I moan.
His tongue flicks and torments me into a frenzy and soon I find my release as my body convulses with ecstasy. He lays a soft trail of kisses over my belly and kisses each of my breasts before his mouth is on mine again. He kisses me tenderly and I can feel tears coming as I think of how much I’m going to miss him when he’s gone.
He pulls his head back and looks down. His boxer briefs are gone and we both watch as he enters me slowly, my mouth opening wide in a silent gasp. I wrap my legs around his waist, beckoning him farther inside.
He takes his time, sinking in and out of me with the ease of a boat bobbing on a calm sea. That’s what I am right now. I am a calm sea because the storm hasn’t arrived yet. I know everything will be different when Chris leaves, but right now I want to enjoy this small sliver of peace.
He kisses the tears as they slide down my temples. I tighten my arms around his shoulders and crush my lips against his as he comes inside me.
He’s kissing me and I can feel his new lip piercing rubbing against my upper lip.
I push him hard in the chest and he falls back into his seat. “What are you doing?” I shriek.
Chris looks confused and I feel horrible. “Claire, I miss us. I still think about you every day.”
“Don’t do this.”
“And you know what I think about? I think about how I can have any girl I want, except for you. How fucked up is that? Why are you doing this to me?”
“Everything’s always about you. You left to pursue your dreams and, yes, I encouraged you to do it—heck, I wanted you to do it and I’m proud of you—but you never stopped to consider what you were leaving behind. You never thought of what it would do to me to lose my best friend and the one person who made me feel safe. You didn’t take me into your home five years ago, Chris; you were my home. When I lost you, I lost everything.”
He looks at me and I can feel the regret pulsing in waves off both of us, like two magnets repe
lling each other. “I’m going to get you back if it kills me.”
I shift uncomfortably in my seat because I know this isn’t an empty promise. Chris gets what he wants. Always.
“Can you ask the driver to take me to 500 Fayetteville.”
The car pulls up in front of the hotel entrance a few minutes later and the months of regret and agony we’ve both suffered is heavy between us. I wish I could reach across and tell him we’re going to be together forever, like I once believed, but so much has changed.
With every choice you risk the life you would have had. With every decision you lose it.
I think of this quote every time I get the urge to tell anyone my secret. It’s what I thought of when I decided not to tell Chris about the baby. Now it’s time to decide again.
“It’s over, Chris. And I’m sorry. I’ve never been more sorry in my life than I am for what I did to you. I will never stop being sorry. I will never lose this regret, but I do think I made the right decision. No matter how much it hurts. No matter how much it kills me to even admit that. I did what was right for both of us because now you have your dream career and I have someone who I love more than I thought I could ever love someone after you left. And, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to him.” I kiss him on the cheek and he leans into me wanting more. “I will love you forever and ever, but I can’t be with you. Goodbye, Chris.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Relentless Heartache
The trip in the elevator up to the sixth floor is excruciatingly slow and fast. I hope Adam is here. When I check my phone, I have eight texts and two voicemails from Senia, but nothing from Adam. I text Senia to let her know I’m okay and I’ll call her later. I don’t have the energy or the time to talk to her about this right now. I need to find Adam.
I knock on the door for room 608. Adam has the room key. He offered me the second cardkey, but I left it on the nightstand in the room thinking I wouldn’t need it. If he doesn’t answer, I’ll just sit here and meditate for a while then call Senia to pick me up.
