by Cassia Leo
The door opens and Adam doesn’t look at me as he steps back for me to come inside. He doesn’t leave me much room and my chest brushes against his arm as I slither past him. He closes the door and I take a few steps before I turn around. When he finally looks me in the eye, he doesn’t speak. He’s waiting for my explanation, which, by the looks of it, probably won’t satisfy him.
“There are so many things I’ve done in my life that I regret, but right now there are two things that top that list. Number two is not telling you sooner. Number one is telling the hospital staff that I didn’t want to know the sex of the baby.”
I sink down onto the edge of the bed and force myself to remember that day. “Every time I get a fluttering in my stomach, I think of all the times my baby moved inside me. Every time I see a baby in public, I wonder.” The mattress creaks as he sits next to me and the uneven distribution of our weight pulls me closer to him. “I don’t know if you can understand what it’s like to dream about a child with no face. To feel like a part of your heart will always exist just out of your reach.”
He wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls my face into his chest. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
I wrap my arms tightly around his waist and as I think of all the nights I’ve lied awake agonizing over whether I should tell him my secret. He kisses my forehead as he takes my face in his hands and tilts my chin up.
“I love you so fucking much, it hurts to know that you’ve been carrying this inside of you.” He pauses for a moment as he looks into my eyes and I can feel something bad is coming next. “It kills me to know that you didn’t trust me enough to share it with me. And it scares me that you didn’t share something so important with someone who was supposed to be your first love.” He leans his forehead against mine and sucks in a sharp breath. “I love you, but I need some time to figure this out.”
I pull my head back and nod because I couldn’t speak if I tried.
“This doesn’t mean I want to break up.”
“I know,” I whisper as I stand up and reach into my back pocket for my phone.
“Where are you going?”
“I have to call Senia to pick me up.”
“You don’t have to leave.”
“I know, but you need some time to think and you’ll probably want to do that without me here.”
Just saying these words aloud makes my chest ache.
He stands and takes the phone from my hand. “Don’t go. We need to talk. I don’t want you to go.”
I draw in a long stuttered breath as he takes my hand in his and leads me to the bed. He lays my phone on the nightstand and we lie next to each other, just staring at the ceiling for a few minutes. I think of all the times I could have told him; all the times I should have told him. Then I think of whether I should tell him that Chris kissed me. Did I kiss him back? I can’t remember.
It feels like an eternity goes by before I finally speak. “One of the foster homes I stayed in for a few months had a pregnant German Shepherd. Her name was April. April gave birth to three gorgeous puppies while I was there and I remember the look on April’s face when my foster mother took the puppies away to clean them up. It was a mixture of confusion and gratitude.” I pause for a moment as I remember the day I gave birth. Senia covered my face with a sheet so I couldn’t see the baby as they pulled it out of me, cleaned it up, and wheeled it away. “I think I could be a good mother, but part of me thinks that might not be possible because a small part of me was grateful when they took my baby away from me. I just kept thinking how grateful I was that my baby would never have to go through what I went through with my mother.”
Adam slips his hand under my neck and beckons me into his nook. I rest my head on his shoulder and breathe the smell of him mixed with the scent of rain.
“I think you’ll make a great mother someday.” He brushes my hair out of my face and strokes my cheek as he continues. “I saw you with those kids at Shell Island last Saturday. They loved you. Especially Ethan. I was getting a little jealous of you and Ethan.”
“Shut up.”
“Claire, I meant it when I said you have a bigger heart than anyone I’ve ever met. It may have been your wicked dance moves that attracted me to you initially, but it was the way you care for Cora that hooked me. I found myself thinking of good deeds I could do to impress you.” I chuckle and he continues. “I know. It’s pretty pathetic, but that’s when I realized you were making me into the person I want to be; someone better than who I was before I moved to Wrightsville.”
“It’s not pathetic, but it’s exactly the opposite of how I felt about you.”
“So you’re saying I made you into a worse person than you were before I moved in?”
“Yes, and no.” He pokes my side and I push his hand away as I compose myself. “You pushed me to do things that made me uncomfortable. I was sleeping, literally. I was meditating sometimes ten times a day just to push the memories out of my mind. You were right when you said I was self-medicating. I haven’t meditated once today, and today might be the second most stressful day of my life. You’ve helped me in ways that you can’t even imagine.”
“I haven’t smoked in over a week.”
“You haven’t? Why?”
“I told you I wouldn’t smoke around you and you spent the night in my apartment four times this week. Plus, I just haven’t really been craving it as much.” He slips his arm and shoulder out from under my head and flips onto his side so he’s facing me and I do the same. “I need to ask you a question.”
He pauses as if he’s asking for permission to proceed. I milk the moment as I let my gaze wander over his face, committing his features to memory.
“I think we’ve reached the point where there’s nothing I can’t share with you.”
“Where did you go after you left the concert?”
I heave a deep sigh and force myself not to turn away from him. “Chris’s bodyguards stuffed us into a car to get us away from his screaming fans. We drove around while Chris and I talked.” His gaze penetrates me and I finally look down. “He kissed me.”
He sits up so suddenly my stomach flips from the sudden movement. “He kissed you? You didn’t kiss him back?” He’s staring at the wall. He’s not looking at me anymore and it’s making me nervous. “Please just answer the question. Did you kiss him?”
“I don’t know.” I sit up as he springs off the bed. “I was thinking about something and suddenly he was kissing me and I pushed him off as soon as I realized what was happening. I swear. I don’t think I kissed him back.”
“Are you saying he forced himself on you?”
The way he says this through gritted teeth makes me even more frightened for Chris.
“No! He would never do that.”
He rubs his temples as he paces at the foot of the bed.
“Adam, please sit down.”
He shakes his head as his mouth drops open, but he doesn’t speak.
“Please say something.”
He lets out a puff of laughter. “I can’t believe all this time I’ve been competing with fucking Chris Knight. And you’ve been letting me play his songs in the truck.”
“You’re not competing with anybody. Chris and I are over. There is nothing between us.” I rise from the bed and step in front of him. He tries to turn away and I grab the front of his shirt. “Listen to me.” His eyes are fixed on the space above my head, but I don’t care. “I love you, Adam, and only you. I love the way you smell. I love your voice.” I reach up and touch his face. “I love the way your scruff rubs me raw. I love your eyes. I love your lips.” He finally looks down as I press my finger against his lips. “I love waking up next to you. I love falling asleep in your bed. I love feeling you inside me. I love your stupid jokes. I love you more than I can ever fully express with words.”
He kisses my fingertip and I breathe a sigh of relief as I realize I have just diffused a bomb. He squats down and wraps his arms around my thighs t
hen picks me up. He rests his chin between my breasts as he looks up at me.
“I wish I had known earlier. If I’d known Chris Knight was your ex, I would’ve stepped up my game.”
He leans his head back and I kiss him. Somehow, it feels like our first real kiss. It’s the first kiss with no secrets between us.
I pull away to catch my breath and whisper. “Chris Knight has nothing on Adam Parker.”
He tosses me onto the bed. I giggle as he pulls his shirt off and crawls on top of me. “I’m going to wipe your memory clean of him.”
He kisses me hard and our hands are everywhere as we undress each other.
“Sit up against the headboard,” I order him, and he cocks an eyebrow. “Please.”
He sits back and I straddle his lap as he slips a condom on. I rise up a little to get him underneath me and slowly ease myself down onto him. I dig my fingernails into his shoulders as a jolt of delicious pain sparks inside me.
I cradle his face in my hands and kiss him tenderly. His hands slide over my waist and lower back before he grips my butt. I tug his bottom lip with my teeth and he moans as we rock against each other in a slow, rhythmic motion.
He brings his hand forward and slides a finger between my folds. I gasp and throw my head back as he caresses my clit while thrusting himself deep inside me.
“Oh, Adam.”
I arch my back and he takes my nipple into his mouth. His tongue teases my nipple as his finger strokes me. My thighs grow weak as I push myself up and down on him. I pull his face to mine and shove my tongue into his mouth as I grind myself against his fingers. He thrusts himself deeper inside me, hitting my core and crushing his hand between us. I pull his hand away and grind myself against his pelvis as I ride him, feeling the power trembling through our bodies as we clutch tightly to each other and climax together.
I rest my forehead against the top of his head as he kisses my shoulder. He moves onto my collarbone then kisses his way up to my mouth. We kiss like this for a long time, with him inside me, until I finally pull back.
I look him in the eye and ask the one question I’ve been afraid of knowing the answer to since we met. “Now that you know everything, can you still trust me?”
His chest is still heaving as he thinks about his answer and I lay my hand over his chest to feel his heartbeat. He grabs my hand and plants a soft kiss on my palm before he lays it back over his heart.
“I think I trusted you too easily,” he says, and my stomach clenches as I prepare myself for what he’s about to say. “But I wouldn’t give my heart to someone I didn’t trust. And you have my whole heart, Claire, so please be gentle with it.”
I kiss his forehead and look him in the eye. “I’ll be gentle. I wouldn’t want to crush my favorite olive.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Relentless Love
It took six days to pack up all my stuff, put it in storage, and convince the admissions counselor at UNC to take me back as a sophomore. Okay, it took five days to convince the admissions counselor and one day to pack, but I got it done with the help of the most amazing boyfriend a girl could ask for.
“Knock, knock,” Adam says as he writes KITCHEN on the box I just finished packing.
“Who’s there?” I say, snatching the marker from his hand and writing FRAGILE on the same box.
“Leopard.”
“Leopard, who?”
“Leopard with spots.”
I glare at him from across the box we’re both squatting next to. “You’re kidding? This is what you’re resorting to now?”
“Just making sure you’re paying attention. Here’s a good one.” He takes the marker from my hand and places it on the kitchen counter as he stands. “I’m going to start competing again.”
I stand up so I can look him in the eye. “Are you being serious now?” He nods and I pause for a moment before I throw my arms around his neck. “This is great! I’m so proud of you.”
He laughs as he wraps his arms around my waist and lifts me onto the counter. “It’s not a big deal. It’s a small competition that takes place down in Florida at the end of this month. I’ll be gone for a couple of days so I won’t be able to see you that weekend.”
I try not to let the disappointment show on my face. Now that I’m going back to school, weekends are the only time I’ll be seeing Adam. He promised to drive from Wilmington to UNC every weekend—a two and a half hour drive. I know there will be times when both of us will have other plans or commitments and there may be times when we’ll go weeks without seeing each other, but it will be worth it. It will all be worth it when I have my degree and I’m given the chance to mend a child’s broken heart the way I wish someone had tried to fix mine.
“I wish I could be there to watch.”
“You can,” he says. “I can pick you up Friday night and we’ll be in Florida at least six hours before the first heat.”
“Yeah, with no sleep. I can’t let you go into your first competition with no rest.”
“What time does your last class end on Friday?”
“One.”
“See. We can make it to Florida by ten. I’ll get plenty of rest, assuming you can keep your hands off me.”
He wiggles his eyebrows and I shake my head.
“Adam, you don’t have to do this just to make me feel better about us being apart. I know there are going to be times when our schedules don’t mesh. I’m a big girl. I can handle it.”
He sighs as he leans his head back. “I just don’t want us to get used to being apart.”
I hook my legs around his waist and pull him closer. “We’re going to be okay. We’re going to spend the whole week of Thanksgiving together and four weeks during Christmas and New Year’s. We’re going to get sick of each other.”
He doesn’t look convinced. He looks the way I feel.
“You’re assuming that I won’t have to go to Hawaii for work.”
I take a deep breath as I try to resist the urge to go into the bedroom and meditate. “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”
“Ew! Are you guys having sex on the counter?” Senia squeals as she enters the apartment carrying a six-pack of beer and a six-pack of bottled water. “Well, don’t let me stop you. Merry Christmas,” she says, handing Adam the beer and me the water.
I slide off the counter and put the water down so I can give her a hug. “What did your dad say when you asked him for the day off?” I ask, cracking open a bottle of water and taking a long swig.
“He said if I took the day off he was going to fire me. That’s only the third time this week he’s used that one.”
“You’re such a spoiled brat,” I say, shaking my head as I reach for another bottle of water.
“Yes, I am, which is why my dad is not firing me. He’s buying me a new car.”
“Shut up!”
Adam rolls his eyes as he scoots past us. “I’m going to check on Cora.”
He scampers out of the apartment and leaves the door open on his way out. The storm that came the day of the concert has passed, leaving behind clear skies and a warm breeze that carries in the briny scent of the ocean.
Senia grabs a bottle of water and leans up against the counter. “Yep! My dad’s getting me a new car and I’m giving you the Focus.”
“I’m not taking your car.”
I grab the marker off the counter and march into the living room to label some more boxes. She follows me and sits on top of the first box I kneel in front of.
“You are taking my car or I’m pushing it over a cliff. You need it, Claire. Adam can’t always be the one making the effort to see you. A good relationship is a balance of give and take.”
“I can’t believe you want to give me your car just so I can see my boyfriend on the weekends.”
“Well, I didn’t say that was the only reason. The position of Senia’s designated driver still hasn’t been filled.” I push her off the box and she falls onto the floor, spilling water over the fro
nt of her halter-top. “Hey!” she squeals as she flings a splash of water in my direction.
The water hits me in the face and I suck in a sharp breath before I compose myself and run for the kitchen to get a retaliatory bottle of water. That’s when I see him standing just outside the front door.
Chris is wearing a Black Keys T-shirt and a gray beanie similar to the one he wore the day we met. His expression is serious as he stands with his hands behind his back and nods at me as if he can’t say the word hello aloud. I look to Senia and she’s dumbstruck as she gawks at him from where she sits on the floor. She’s met him plenty of times, but not since he became famous.
Chris turns to her and waves. “Hey, Senia.”
“Hhh-hey, Chris,” she replies.
He smiles awkwardly and turns back to me. “Claire.” The way he says my name makes my whole body ache. “Can we talk?”
We can’t talk here, with Adam across the hall.
“How did you find me?”
He doesn’t have to answer. He’s got money coming out of every orifice now. That was a stupid question.
“I have something I want to show you.” He pulls a large manila envelope out from behind his back.
A million possibilities race through my mind at once, but only one seems likely. “Follow me,” I say as I walk to the bedroom without looking at Senia.
I don’t want to know if she thinks inviting Chris into my bedroom is a bad idea. I need to know what’s in this envelope because I know Chris wouldn’t come all the way out here if it weren’t important.
I close the door behind us as we enter my bedroom. The beds were here when I moved in so they’re staying behind when I move out. The mattresses look so bare without the sheets and blankets. I sit down and he hands me the envelope as he sits next to me.
I look at him for a moment in the daylight and try to determine what’s different about him. “You got rid of the nose ring?”
“Yeah, I took it out of my nose and popped it straight into my lip.”
