Relentless (Shattered Hearts)

by Cassia Leo

  “That’s gross.”

  “You’re the one who had it in your mouth when you were kissing me.”

  “You kissed me!”

  “Is that the official story you told your boyfriend?”

  “It’s the truth and his name is Adam.”

  “Your face is wet,” he says as he reaches up and brushes a drop of water from my jaw.

  The familiarity with which he touches me, the comfort and ease of reaching for someone who you once knew better than yourself, all of this is embedded in this single touch. The second his skin touches mine, a shudder travels through me.

  I quickly push his hand away. “Don’t do that,” I whisper as I stare at the tattoos on his arms to keep myself from looking into his eyes.

  Most of them I recognize, but there’s a new one on the inside of his right forearm that wasn’t there last year. I can only see half of it from this angle, but it’s definitely a shattered heart. I begin unfolding the metal clasps on the envelope and he puts his hand over mine to stop me.

  “Wait. I need to explain first.” I push his hand away again and he leans forward, resting his elbows on his thighs. “I felt really lost after you left on Friday. I’ve been feeling lost for a long time. I come home to visit every once in a while and you’re not there and my mom is a fucking saint, but—”

  “Chris, I’m sorry I didn’t visit Jackie on Saturday.”

  “No, don’t apologize for that. I told her what happened and she understands.”

  “You told her?”

  “Well, I told her I ran into you at the show, but I didn’t tell her what you told me.”

  “Oh, thank God.”

  “And I didn’t tell her you ripped my heart out.”

  He sits up and looks me in the eye and I feel like I’m sixteen again, waiting for him to tell me he loves me. His skin is so perfectly smooth. I stare at the bow of his lips the way I used to right before we were about to kiss. I wrench my eyes away to meet his gaze and his dark eyes glint with a hint of a smile that barely curls his lips.

  “Claire, you don’t have to keep hiding this. I’m going to fix it. I swear.”

  “You can’t. This isn’t something that can be fixed the way you fixed me.”

  “I’m not stupid. I know I can’t get back what’s not mine.”

  I don’t know if he’s talking about the baby or me, but I suddenly feel the need to meditate. I scoot back on the mattress and lay the envelope on my lap as I curl my legs underneath me.

  “Then why are you here?”

  “I’m here to tell you that I want to try. I talked to my lawyer about everything and he recommended a good adoption lawyer.”

  My heart pounds wildly as I anticipate the direction this conversation is going. I think I know what he’s going to say, but what scares me the most is that I might not want to hear it.

  “I’ve been talking to the lawyer this week and she’s been talking to the agency that handled the adoption,” he continues. “The guy at the agency thinks the couple who adopted our baby might still agree to an open adoption, since the baby’s only four months old.” I can’t move or speak so he takes the envelope from me and pulls out a stack of papers held together with a paperclip. He sets the papers facedown on the bed and smiles. “Her name is Abigail. She lives in Raleigh.”

  “She?” I whisper as I press my lips together.

  “Yeah, and she looks just like you.”

  He turns the stack of papers over and there’s a picture clipped to the front. She’s lying in a crib on top of a fuzzy cream-colored blanket. She’s lying peacefully asleep and is almost bald, but I can still glimpse a tuft of soft blonde hair growing on the top of her head. Her top lip is much bigger than her bottom lip as her mouth hangs open in a silent O. She’s clutching a piece of the blanket in her chubby fist the way I do when I sleep.

  “Abigail,” I whisper as I shake my head.

  I still can’t believe it. I’ve been calling her Baby in my mind for four months. Every night I say a prayer that Baby is safe and warm and loved. I can see from this picture alone that Abigail is all of those things and more.

  “We might be able to see her soon, but I need to know that this is what you want.”

  I can’t tear my eyes away from the picture, as if staring at it long enough will cause some kind of cosmic epiphany and I’ll suddenly know what to do and say. I made the tough decision of giving her up four months ago so that I wouldn’t have make these kinds of difficult decisions until I was old enough to know better.

  She looks so peaceful. Will I ruin that just by being me?

  Chris lifts my chin to tear my gaze away from the photo. “I can’t do this without you.”

  The sound of Adam’s voice in the apartment startles me. He’s asking for me. I push Chris’s hand away and stuff the papers back into the envelope just as Adam walks in.

  “What’s going on, Claire?” he asks, but his eyes are on Chris.

  I shoot up from the bed with the envelope clutched in my hands. “He was just leaving me some documents. He’s leaving now.”

  I push Adam back through the doorway, but his eyes are locked on Chris.

  “I’m not leaving until you give me an answer,” Chris says, and I can hear his voice behind me getting closer.

  Adam resists me as I push him toward the living room. “Stop pushing me. I can control myself. I’m not a fucking child.”

  “Yes or no, Claire?” Chris asks.

  I look over my shoulder at him and shake my head. “I don’t know.”

  “What is he talking about?” Adam asks.

  I want to tell him. If I’ve learned anything over the past month it’s that keeping secrets from the one you love is a recipe for disaster. But I don’t want him to judge me if the answer is no. And I don’t want to scare him away if the answer is yes.

  “I’ll tell you later,” I say, and he glares at me incredulously.

  “Are you fucking kidding me? After everything that just happened, you’re going to give me that shit again?”

  “Don’t talk to her like that,” Chris says, and I can hear the threat in his tone.

  “Stay out of it, Chris,” I warn him.

  “You let him talk to you like that?”

  “I said stay out of it!”

  Adam pushes my hands off his chest. “Keep your secrets. I’m out of here,” he says before he storms out of the apartment.

  Senia, who’s been standing quietly in the kitchen this whole time, creeps toward the front door. “I have to get something from my car,” she whispers.

  “You deserve better than that, Claire,” Chris says as he moves toward me. “You deserve someone who knows you and respects you.”

  “Adam respects me. You don’t know him.”

  “Do you know him? How long have you two been together?”

  “It’s none of your business,” I say as he stops a couple of feet away from me.

  “It is my business if you’re planning to stay with him. I don’t want someone like that around our daughter if they grant us visitation.”

  “He’s not a monster. He has a right to question why you’re here in my apartment after what happened last week.”

  He takes another step forward and I take a step back, bumping the backs of my legs against a box. “I don’t want to talk about him,” he says, taking another step forward so our faces are inches apart. “I came here for you and believe me when I say that I won’t stop until I get you back.” His fingers graze the side of my face and I hold my ground, unwilling to crumble for him. “Think about this. Think about what it will be like to hold her in your arms.”

  He kisses my forehead and leaves me with a handful of legal documents and a heart full of questions. I don’t know if this is the best or the worst news Chris could have delivered to me, but a huge part of me has never felt more grateful for him. Chris has always known exactly what I need and he’s always been willing to do whatever it takes to give it to me.

  I take a dee
p breath and grab my keys off the breakfast bar. I lock the front door and head for the beach.

  I find Adam sitting near the edge of the water and he doesn’t look at me as I sit next to him. I dig my hands into the warm sand and scoop up a handful. I let it fall slowly and watch as most of it is carried away on the breeze. I guess that’s the way secrets are. They’re only heavy when you’re holding them. As soon as you let go, the significance of keeping those secrets hidden blows away and everything falls into place.

  “My daughter’s name is Abigail,” I say, and he finally looks at me. “That’s what he came to tell me. He thinks he can get his lawyer to arrange an open adoption.”

  “Is that what you want?”

  I shrug as I wrap my arms around my knees. “I don’t know if I could handle seeing her and leaving her. I’ve already done that before and it nearly destroyed me.”

  “But you wouldn’t be leaving her forever this time.”

  We sit in silence for a long time until the sun begins to touch the horizon and Adam grabs my hand. “Come on. Let’s see if the water has the answer.”

  He kisses my hand before he stands and pulls me up. “I love you, Claire. I’ll support you whatever you choose to do. You know that, right?”

  I smile as I breathe in this moment. “I do.”

  He pulls me toward the water and we trudge through the knee-high waves, in our clothes, until we’re waist deep. A small wave crashes into me and I get a mouthful of ocean. He laughs as I spit out the salty water. Then he kisses me. The salt in my mouth mixes with the sweetness of his tongue and I can feel his smile curving against my mouth.

  He pulls away as he looks into my eyes and doesn’t say a word. He doesn’t have to.

  As soon as the sun begins to set, it seems to fall too quickly from the sky, like a heart in love. The relentless pull of love is a thousand times harder to fight than the tides. If you’re lucky, you’ll make it out before you drown. If you’re even luckier, you’re pulled under just long enough to wash away the sorrow. If you’re really lucky, like me, you resurface just in time to find the one you love floating right beside you.

  THE END

  Relentless Playlist

  The A Team by Ed Sheeran

  First Love by Adele

  It Will Rain by Bruno Mars

  I Need Your Love by Ellie Goulding feat. Calvin Harris

  Omega by Steve Aoki feat. Dan Sena and Missy Palmer

  Waiting in Vain by Bob Marley

  In Your Eyes (Stripped Version) by Sara Bareilles

  Heal Over by KT Tunstall

  Comfortable (Live Version) by John Mayer

  Only Exception by Paramore

  Last of Days by A Fine Frenzy

  Stubborn Love by The Lumineers

  If It Kills Me (Casa Nova Sessions) by Jason Mraz

  Breakeven by The Script

  Wait by M83

  Listen to the playlist on YouTube.

  “Relentless”

  We kissed under the trees

  And talked about missing things

  I wish I could’ve held you in

  Held in the heat of your breath

  Held onto you and I at our best

  Memories chain me here

  Holding my heart prisoner

  Alone in this hotel room now

  Can’t stop dreaming of your kiss

  Tomorrow I’ll regret this

  Your love is relentless

  Holding me still

  Relentlessly dreaming

  Breaking my will

  I wish you’d come with me

  Leave it behind

  Just pack up your things and

  Say you’ll be mine

  You said you would miss us

  Didn’t know you could bluff

  Are you moving on already?

  Sleeping in someone else’s bed

  Fucking with someone else’s head

  I’m sinking, sinking

  You’ve got my love and my time

  I’ve got nothing, nothing

  Relentless love and heartache are mine

  You’ve got me, got me

  But I can’t make this call just to find

  You don’t want me

  “Sleepyhead”

  Feels so wrong to want this

  You look so broken there

  A flicker in the mist

  As tired as the air

  Your head upon the pillow

  It’s time to bury bones

  Outside a whispering willow

  The limbs fall like stones

  So frightened of the dark

  You’re my sleepyhead

  Hiding with the stars

  Put your dreams to bed

  My sleepyhead.

  You’re my sleepyhead.

  With eyes full of shadow

  And a mouth full of glass

  Gasps come so hollow

  Your lips taste like ash

  Don’t waste your hours

  Your time don’t come cheap

  Don’t fall apart, baby

  Just fall asleep

  And I don’t know why I can’t kill this doubt

  But I promise I’ll put your pain to rest

  If it means I never sleep again.

  Acknowledgements

  I’ve been writing books for longer than I care to admit, but I’ve never had more people to thank than now. This book was my brainchild, but it was birthed through the labor of many selfless souls.

  Special thanks go to my old and new beta readers: Kristin Shaw, Jordana Rodriguez, Michael Finn, Sarah Rabe, Carissa Andrews, Kim Box Person, and Sheri Zilinskas. Extra special thanks go to Sarah Rabe who fact-checked me on some important details about the foster care system. Your willingness to share your personal experience added so much depth to Claire’s character and I am just so proud of the woman and friend you have become. Michael and Sheri: What can I say other than you two are what the crazy person who invented beta readers intended. There are no words to adequately describe how grateful I am for your feedback.

  So much gratitude and awe go to the magnificent Sarah Hansen at Okay Creations. Your professionalism made this experience painless. Your talent made this cover relentlessly breathtaking.

  An enormous thank you goes out to all the book bloggers and reviewers who offered their time and expertise to assist with this book release, especially Karen Anderson at Book Crush Book Reviews. You are all so friggin’ amazing. Your support of indie authors, not just me, is awe-inspiring. I hope I wasn’t too difficult to work with.

  There are no words to express my gratitude to the many friends and family members who offered their support in so many ways during the writing of this book. You are all saints for putting up with my disappearing acts, the lack of home-cooked food, having to repeat your sentences two and three times, and my endless pleas for feedback.

  And a huge thank you to all the readers who contacted me during the months I was writing Relentless. Your enthusiasm and kindness motivated me to get through one of the most hectic deadlines of my career. Your support has made my childhood dream of being a professional author a reality! I love you all so much and hope you all continue to get in touch with me often.

  Other books by Cassia Leo

  LUKE Series (Erotic Romance)

  CHASE Series (Erotic Romance)

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  About The Author

  Cassia Leo loves her coffee, chocolate, and margaritas with salt. When she’s not writing, she spends way too much time watching old reruns of Friends and Sex and the City. When she’s not watching rer
uns, she’s usually enjoying the California sunshine or reading—sometimes both.

  Cassia Leo

  Visit me at my personal website, www.cassialeo.com, or click the links below.

  Luke - erotic series

  Chase - erotic series

  Relentless - romance novel

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  Lexie's First Time (Billionaire Prequel) - short story

  Borrowed Billionaire - erotic series

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  Orly Press Collections

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