Incense and Sensibility

by Sonali Dev

  He stumbled back. These were the words she’d said to him in Sripore at Nisha’s reception. You have no judgment when it comes to women. I’m the only woman you can trust.

  Memories of what Julia had done to him had made a god-awful churn inside him with what he’d been feeling for India, with how he’d been feeling after their kiss. It had made him feel out of control. She had made him feel out of control.

  She had made him feel like someone he’d worked hard not to be, free and wild. The only other times he’d felt that out of control was when Julia had drugged him, when that car had tossed him in the air. It had all become mixed up inside him until it felt the same, but those things weren’t the same. The loss of control he’d felt, still felt, with India was not the same.

  The more you bury things, the more you have to dig to get to them.

  Naina had used his need to bury things, used his trauma, to get what she wanted. All he could hope was that she had done it without knowing.

  “Yash, please.” Naina followed him as he moved away from her. “Don’t do this. Not now, when we have everything we’ve ever wanted. Sleep with her if you want to, whoever she is. I won’t even ask. Get her out of your system. But, please, please don’t let down everyone who has their hopes pinned on you.”

  He’d thought she was his best friend, but she didn’t know him at all. “That’s who you think I am.”

  “Maybe you take who you think you are too seriously. Can’t you get over yourself and just do what needs to be done?”

  Who was she? Who was he, that he’d felt this way too? That goals justified doing whatever it took. They’d both been proud, unapologetic about their ambition and going after their dreams. But when had he lost track of what it cost him?

  He studied her, unable to recognize the ruthless determination in her face. “And doing what needs to be done involves marrying me so you can get your funding as the first lady of California and win the Nobel?”

  “How dare you? How dare you take away something I’ve worked my entire life for? That funding has nothing to do with you!” She was shaking. “I never thought I’d hear you take credit for my work.”

  “That’s not what I was doing. But if your funding doesn’t depend on us being together, then how does it matter if we end this? I don’t want to lie anymore.”

  “How can you think it’s that simple? The scandal would be too great. And . . . and . . . Mehta will withdraw the funding if there’s a scandal. Any negative media attention on me or the foundation and the partnership is over. That was part of the deal.”

  That explained a lot. Mehta did have an ulterior motive. He’d practically told her that her relationship with Yash was a requirement for the funding. Naina just didn’t want to believe it.

  Before he could say that, she stepped right into his face. “Why are you making this about the funding? When it’s about this woman you’ve met.” She grabbed his jaw in both hands, holding him in place. “Does she know that you don’t like to be touched? That intimacy terrifies you? Does she know that a child was able to make a fool out of you and jeopardize your entire future? Will she have the strength to bear it when Julia Wickham blows the whistle and the world explodes around you?”

  Dear God, she was threatening him, and all he could do to stay standing was focus hard on who he’d thought she was.

  “Look at your face. Everyone thinks you’re so strong, and yet without me to pull a blanket over who you really are, what would they see?”

  Pulling her hands from his face, he stepped away from her. “You can still do the work you’re doing without Mehta. I can put you in touch with other philanthropists without an agenda.”

  There was a moment when his friend flashed in her eyes behind this stranger he didn’t recognize, but it was barely a moment. Then she was angry again.

  “If you dump me now, after you held my hand and pretended to love me on television, and go after another woman so close to the end of this race, the media will crucify you. You can forget about winning. You realize that, right?”

  He did. That was why involving India in the mess was out of the question.

  “And if I tell everyone that we lied for the past ten years about being a couple, your credibility will be entirely destroyed.”

  He knew that too.

  “I just can’t lie anymore, Nai.”

  She made a sound of such frustration he almost felt bad for her. “It was an arrangement, not a lie. You turned it into a lie. This is on you. But I know you, and I know you’ll snap out of it when you realize what you have to lose. Now I’m going to go out there and tell our families that we need time. That you can’t do this during the campaign. And when you’ve pulled your head out of your ass I’m going to still be here helping you, because that’s what friends do.”

  “No,” he said, because that much he knew for sure. “I’m done. We’re done. I can’t do it anymore.”

  “You can. Because if you don’t set your head straight, let me remind you that Julia was sniffing around for revenge last year. Any scandal, and she’ll be back. And if we’re not together, don’t expect me to save you again.”

  Chapter Twenty

  India was helping China pack, while also avoiding China’s questions. China’s sister radar seemed to have finally kicked into gear. “Is Yash going to come back?”

  India shoved a pair of sneakers into a shoe bag and pulled the cord tight. “What?”

  What she was going for was distracted, but what came out was despondence, and China cocked her head.

  Before India could say more, the doorbell rang, startling the sisters so much they burst into nervous giggles. Why had the doorbell suddenly become the focus of her life?

  “Were you expecting someone?” India asked, absolutely refusing to let her mind consider any other possibility.

  China clapped a hand to her forehead. “I totally forgot. I have a surprise for you.” She hurried down the stairs to open the studio door, India hot on her heels.

  The last person India expected to see was standing at her door, and India’s heart soared. She clamped it down and smiled.

  Brandy smiled back and threw an uncharacteristically tentative look at China. Then again, this was how she always looked at China, as though she couldn’t quite believe what was happening. “You sure about this?” Brandy asked.

  India looked over Brandy’s shoulder, and instead of a thick head of salt-and-pepper hair with a golden aura, and eyes she missed more than she should, she found a beautiful young girl. An explosion of curls spilled from her ponytail and she had the loveliest eyes in the darkest brown. She was standing so close to Brandy that she was obviously nervous.

  “Absolutely sure. Come on in,” China said, and didn’t add anything rude. When had this truce happened?

  “This is Ellie, Brandy’s daughter,” China said, and India and China moved to let the two of them in. “This is my sister, India. She runs the studio.”

  Ellie waved. Her smile was at once bright and shy. Her aura was a sunshiny yellow unique to the young, incipient and filled with untainted energy.

  “It’s lovely to meet you, Ellie.”

  Ellie took in the studio, her glance jumping from the giant Ganesha statue to the shoe racks, to the Buddha mural Tara was in the middle of creating, and her eyes went as round as saucers.

  China explained how they had met at Ashna and Rico’s and Ellie had invited China to her school for Career Day to talk about being a TV Producer. Then Brandy had taken them out for dinner as a thank-you and given China the limited edition Laurel & Hardy case she’d somehow acquired to replace the one she’d broken when they’d first met.

  “Ellie’s been looking for a job. She’s a gymnast and has been wanting to practice yoga. We need a receptionist for weekday evenings until Tomas gets back, and you’ve been working yourself to the bone. I thought she might be interested.” China smiled fondly at the girl, connection sparkling between them.

  This was not at all like China. For one
, she never took an interest in the studio. For another, recently she had been too preoccupied in her own life to take an interest in anything at all that didn’t involve Song.

  They could not afford to pay an intern. Brandy looked stressed enough to burst. The way India always felt when someone was about to break China’s heart, or say something hurtful to Tara when she was being Tara, or when years of Sid’s work was about to go down the drain because funding for one of his photography trips didn’t come through.

  “That would be lovely,” India said. “Would you like a tour?”

  Ellie nodded, but her eyes were stuck on Tara’s mural.

  “That’s our mom’s,” China said, tracing a finger over the bold raised-copper swirls of the Buddha’s hair.

  Ellie turned worshipful eyes on China. “My mom was an artist too. All the walls of my room were covered with her murals, even the ceiling. It’s scenes from my favorite book, Where the Wild Things Are.”

  “No way!” China squealed with delight. “That’s my favorite book too.” She’d been obsessed with the monsters India had been afraid of.

  “My mom—Brandy—she had someone re-create the murals when I moved in with her. They’re not the same as my mom’s, but they’re really good.”

  “I’d love to see them.” China said.

  “You mean that? You should come over to our house. Maybe dinner?” The look she threw her mother was so filled with excitement and pleading, India didn’t know how Brandy stood it. “My mom makes the best pizza.”

  Emotion rolled beneath the mask that was Brandy’s face. Something flared in her eyes when she looked at China, but just for an instant. Something too much like fear mixed in with . . . was that longing?

  How had India never noticed this before? Or maybe she had. Longing or no longing, Brandy didn’t want China to hurt her little girl, because her little girl was smitten too.

  China patted Ellie’s hand. “I’d love to. It sounds amazing. I never get pizza around here. My mom and siblings have no taste buds. They only eat”—she lowered her voice conspiratorially—“healthy food.”

  Ellie made an impressive mock-horrified face.

  “Can I take a rain check, though?” China said, obviously basking in the sunshine of the child’s adulation, even returning it. “I’m going to be out of the country for a bit. But when I get back, we’re doing this.”

  Ellie looked at once excited and disappointed. “Where are you going? Is it for the show?”

  “No. Not for the show.” Despite China’s wide smile, nervousness leaked into her voice. “I’m going to Seoul for a little while.”

  “You’re following Song to Korea? You can’t be serious!” Brandy snapped. It was more emotion than India had ever seen come out of the woman. Almost immediately she looked like she regretted it, but China had caught the heat in her voice.

  “What is that supposed to mean?” China snapped back.

  Brandy looked at Ellie. “Nothing. I’m sorry.”

  “Let me show you the rest of the studio.” India took Ellie’s hand and pulled her away. Or tried to, because Brandy, icy cool tone back in place, said, “It’s just that . . . Never mind.”

  India tugged Ellie’s hand again and this time she moved. As soon as they were out of sight, however, Ellie froze in place again and refused to budge.

  “It’s just what?” China snapped, not bothering to temper her voice now that Ellie was out of sight.

  “I got the impression Ms. Song wasn’t comfortable with going public,” Brandy said, her voice so flat it had the opposite impact of what she intended.

  China sputtered like she was going to bust a blood vessel. “Going public with what?”

  Brandy cleared her throat. Silence followed, saturating the air.

  India tugged Ellie into the yoga room and started explaining the types of classes they offered and asking her about gymnastics. Obviously the child, much like India, was more interested in the conversation that had started up again between her mother and China. They flew through the tour, half their attention on the indiscernible snapping outside.

  By the time they came back out to the reception area, Brandy was standing by the front door, hands folded behind her military-style, and China was pretending to do work at the registration desk. The temperature in the room was tangibly colder, even though China looked like she had steam coming out of her ears.

  As soon as she noticed Ellie, she softened and patted the chair next to her. “If you like, I can show you the check-in system. Most people check themselves in, but some forget their card and you have to check them in manually.”

  Ellie settled in next to her. “Thank you.”

  “I need to make a call,” Brandy said. “I’ll be outside.” With a shuttered look at her daughter huddled with China over the keyboard, she let herself out of the front door.

  India followed her out. “Ellie’s a lovely girl. You should be very proud,” she said.

  “I am. And I’m sorry if China didn’t warn you. It’s okay if taking on a too-young intern doesn’t work right now.”

  “You’re right that she didn’t warn me. But this studio is as much China’s as it is mine, and if China thought Ellie would be a good fit here, I believe that she knows what she’s talking about.” China might fly by the seat of her pants, but she wasn’t irresponsible.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean any offense.”

  “None taken.”

  “I . . .” Brandy stared through the trellised glass of the door, expression so guarded it ended up giving away more than it hid. China and Ellie were absorbed in the check-in system. “I know China would never be callous with Ellie’s feelings. She’s been incredibly kind to Ellie and Ellie has talked of little other than China and . . .” Suddenly the mask crumpled and she looked positively stricken. “India . . .”

  “What is it?”

  “Aren’t you concerned?”

  There were so many things India was concerned about right now, which one was Brandy talking about? For a second she wondered if something was wrong with Yash and her heart did a god-awful spasm.

  “China going all the way across the globe with someone who won’t even acknowledge her here. Isn’t that asking to have herself hurt?”

  India had not expected that. “I’m not sure what you mean.”

  “I know it’s none of my business. I know it’s supposed to be some big secret, but your sister isn’t great at keeping her feelings hidden. I’ve seen them together. Ellie and I spent an evening with them at Ashna and Rico’s house. I’ve seen enough closeted people to know that Song is never planning to come out.”

  “I think you might be mistaken about the situation,” India said. If Song wanted to be private about her relationship, then that was her prerogative and no one had the right to violate that.

  Brandy’s icy mask froze back in place. “I don’t mean anyone any harm, and I’m never going to say anything to anyone else. I don’t want your sister to get hurt. That’s my only intention in bringing it up.”

  “I don’t believe that is true.”

  Brandy stepped back and swallowed. She obviously didn’t like being studied, and she certainly didn’t like being seen.

  “I think you might have other reasons why you think my sister is better off not going to Seoul.”

  “I’ll admit that your sister is . . . I’ve never met anyone quite so . . . well, she deserves better than to have her heart broken. I also know that she doesn’t return that opinion. But I promise you I’m not rooting for her to be hurt. It’s just that . . .” Brandy was still staring through the glass panes of the studio door, her eyes stuck on Ellie beaming up at China. Turning away, she dropped down on the front step.

  India sat down next to her.

  “Ellie’s mother was my best friend,” Brandy said, watching the cars passing by. “Growing up, her mother was my parents’ housekeeper. She and her mother lived on my parents’ estate.”

  The only people in the world India knew who�
�s home qualified as an estate were the Rajes. She had no idea Brandy came from that kind of wealth.

  Brandy looked embarrassed, as though she wished she hadn’t brought that up. “It wasn’t . . . My parents weren’t exactly, um, fond of who I was and I left home as soon as I could. The only good thing in my childhood was Nomi. I was always in love with her. I believe she was too, but she couldn’t stop struggling with it. After we graduated high school, she got pregnant and married Ellie’s father. I was heartbroken. I joined the Marines, did two tours in Afghanistan. She wrote to me. Upbeat letters, filled mostly with Ellie and what a joy she was. I never replied. I was too angry. Then the letters stopped.”

  There was a long silence. Long enough that India thought that was all Brandy was going to say. Then she spoke again. “After I returned from Afghanistan, Child Services found me. I had made the biggest mistake of my life by not responding to her letters, by not looking Nomi up all those years.” In her eyes was so much pain that India reached out and put a hand on her back, between her shoulder blades where grief tended to collect.

  Energy flowed from India’s hands. Brandy shuddered but took a breath and kept going. “He shot her, then himself. Ellie was at a sleepover. They labeled it simply as a “domestic violence incident.” Nomi left Ellie to my care.” A silent sob escaped her. “Things in her marriage were bad enough that she made a will to make sure Ellie was taken care of. I should have been there for her. I should have tried harder to convince her that what we had was real. That we had a chance.”

  India focused energy into her, trying to find the dark knots of pain and directing light at them. “Ellie is lovely and you seem to be doing such a great job with her. I think Nomi knew what you had was real.”