Brooklyn Summer

by Maggie Cummings

  “It’s just too hard, Kellan. You’re leaving—”

  “But I’m staying. To be with you.”

  “And to be with them.” Kellan looked like she was going to say something, but Ashleigh stopped her. “I know you’ll tell me that’s not true, or that it’s both. And I should be okay with that. And again, logically, I am. But there’s this doubt that creeps in.”

  “But I don’t—”

  Kellan’s protest was soft, but Ashleigh stopped her with a finger to her lips. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to hear what she had to say. It was simply that this conversation took every ounce of courage she had in her. If Kellan pushed, she would concede. While she cringed to think of the days ahead without her, experience taught her that a relationship founded on unequal footing would never truly balance out. It would always teeter, threatening to collapse under the slightest pressure.

  “What we were planning—long-distance, the back and forth—it would have been a challenge to begin with. But now, I just feel…” After nearly a week of internal debate, she knew what she had to do. But the words were still a struggle. “Whether it’s true or not, I feel betrayed.” She covered her heart, owning her emotion. “I know those are my feelings and not at all what you intended.” She acknowledged her sorrow, the feeling of defeat bursting from every cell in her body. “Still. It’s hard to get past that in the best of circumstances.”

  Kellan looked wounded by her words, and she longed to make it better. Ashleigh touched a hand to the side of her face, her thumb caressing her smooth chiseled jawline.

  “Please don’t look at me like that,” she said, letting her tears come. “This summer will always be special to me. I will always remember it as the season you turned my life around. I’ll think of you nonstop. I’ll see you everywhere. City landmarks, the park, Liam’s, every time I see a mom struggling with a stroller in the subway.” She laughed through her sniffle as she wiped the stream of tears steadily falling. “This city is full of you now. And I am so grateful for that. You opened my heart again.” She prayed for the will to go on. “You taught me things about myself I didn’t know. You made me laugh and smile and feel joy. And I will always love you for that.”

  Kellan was obviously choked up, but she said nothing, simply leaned forward and placed her head in her lap. Ashleigh thought she might be crying, and she stroked her head delicately.

  “Please don’t cry,” she said through her own muffled sob. It was an unfair request, but Ashleigh only had so much willpower. As it was, she was on the verge of cracking. She bent forward and kissed Kellan’s head, as always surprised at the softness of her short hair. “I am so weak for you,” she whispered through her tears. “Which is, I guess, poetic because you make me feel strong.”

  “You are strong.” Kellan picked her head up. Her eyes were glassy but she was clearly steeling herself for the moment. “You’re strong and brave and kind.” She scooted away and stood up, pacing the step she stood on. But like their situation, there was nowhere to go. “I don’t want to leave,” she said.

  “You have to.” Ashleigh pulled herself up, and standing a step above Kellan, they were nearly the same height. “It is never going to get easier.”

  Kellan pulled her in to a hug so tight, Ashleigh thought she could feel their hearts beating together. She buried her face in Kellan’s shoulder and let everything out, not caring how disheveled she was going to look. Kellan held her and kissed her face until she found her lips, leaving a touch as soft as a whisper.

  “I love you,” Kellan said.

  Ashleigh could barely breathe. She nodded agreement and swallowed her pain. “Good-bye, Kellan.” She pulled away and raced into the house, sinking into a crumpled mess on the tile floor as she wondered if her heart would ever fully recover.

  Chapter Twenty-five

  Why some people protested so hard against the theory of climate change, Ashleigh would never understand. Regardless of where one fell in the party lines, it was difficult to dispute the mild summer temps that stretched well into October in New York these days. Ashleigh looked out her classroom window at the green leaves of a tall tree, wondering if they’d turn by Christmas. She reached for a stack of projects to grade—her weekend entertainment, as she liked to think of it—and slid them into her oversized bag.

  “Knock, knock.”

  “Not today, Shaun. Not next Friday either.”

  Since school started back up, Shauna had been on a mission to get her to go out more. The after-school Friday teacher drink-fest was when she laid it on the thickest. Time to restart her engine, Shauna kept saying. At least that was the mantra she’d adopted after she’d finally given up on campaigning for Kellan, anyway. Ashleigh had zero interest. She grabbed her keys and turned to face her oldest friend, doing a literal double-take when it wasn’t Shauna in her doorway.

  “Sorry to sneak up on you. I don’t know if you remember me—I’m Kellan’s friend.”

  “Dara. Of course.” Ashleigh doubted she’d ever forget her face. She still saw it in her dreams, not as routinely as Kellan’s, but every so often, Dara and Zoey made an appearance too.

  “Shauna did tell me where I could find you, though.” Dara smiled as she inspected a calculus problem detailed on the whiteboard. “It’s funny—I used to babysit for her. Shauna,” she said, mostly to herself.

  “Really?” Considering that tidbit, Ashleigh was surprised she’d never heard her name before the wedding.

  “I doubt she even remembers.” Dara addressed her obvious confusion. “She was only a toddler. Then our moms had this big row.” She shook her head. “Anyway, it’s all sorted now. But being eleven years older than Shauna, and then joining the Army, I missed out on that side of my family. I was thrilled to be invited to her wedding. Gave me a chance to reconnect with some distant relatives. Introduce Zoey to some of my cousins, her tías. And then Kellan.” She blew out a long breath. “That blew my mind.”

  “I’m sure.” Nearly two months had passed, but it was still agonizing to think about Kellan. She forced a smile to cover her anguish. “Are you here meeting up with Shauna?” she asked.

  “Ha. No.” Dara leaned on the door frame as her eyes darted around the classroom. “I came here to see you. To talk some sense into you, hopefully.”

  “Look.” Ashleigh stood next to her desk with no idea what to say. “If you’re here to talk about Kellan—”

  “Of course I’m here to talk about Kellan.”

  “There’s nothing to say. I haven’t even spoken to her since she left.”

  “I know.”

  “So then you know there’s nothing to say.”

  Dara held one finger up, punctuating the air. “I’m going to disagree with you on that point. See, I just got back from Colorado.”

  Ashleigh swallowed hard. She didn’t know how to respond or, more importantly, how long she’d be able to keep her emotions in check. Thankfully, Dara filled the silence.

  “I took Zoey out there for a visit over Columbus Day weekend. Have you ever been? It’s beautiful.”

  “No.” She felt a sharp pain at the thought of Kellan at home in a place she couldn’t even picture. Thousands of miles away, surrounded by people she didn’t know. How had everything changed so radically in such a short time? Sometimes it seemed like she’d only been gone for days. In the worst moments, it felt like an eternity.

  “Kellan showed us around the mountains. Her parents’ lodge. The adorable town. When we go back in the winter, she’s going to teach Zoey to snowboard.”

  Ashleigh shrugged. “Sounds like you have it all figured out.”

  “What I can’t wrap my head around is why you’re here and she’s there.” Dara dragged a finger along the tops of the desks as she walked farther into the room. “Makes absolutely no sense to me.” She stopped in front of Stef Hengle’s workspace and perched on the edge of the table.

  Ashleigh sighed. “I don’t really know what this is—”

  “Oh, this?” Dara pointed
dramatically. “This is an intervention.”

  “Did Kellan send you here?”

  Dara laughed out loud and hung her head in dramatic fashion. “I’m pretty sure you know the answer to that. She would kill me if she knew I was here. But I love her too much to see her the way she is, so I’m banking on you being the reasonable one.”

  Ashleigh stuck her chin out at Dara’s presumptive tone but didn’t get a chance to refute her.

  “See, the thing about Kellan is she’s got so much pride. Or maybe it’s stubbornness. Is there a difference?” She seemed to contemplate the point before continuing. “And maybe that’s a flaw. I don’t know.” Dara picked up a fidget cube and rolled it between her fingers. “I know how she is from witnessing her in action all those years together in the military. But just in case I forgot, I get to see it in Zoey every day. It’s actually amazing how similar they are. Athletic, genius with gadgets, can fix nearly anything techy. They both have these unbelievably huge hearts. So selfless. And so much goddamn pride. Neither will admit when they’re hurting.” She flicked the cube’s switch over and over. “You know, when her father left, Zoey wouldn’t even cry. Inside, she was crushed. Six years old and she put on a brave face every day. I think so I wouldn’t worry. Sound familiar?”

  Ashleigh wondered why Dara thought this would help when it only drew attention to the reason Kellan wasn’t here. “Well, I’m glad they have each other now. That you all seem to have…whatever it is you have.”

  “Don’t even with that kind of implication.” She turned the device over in her hand, moving one finger over the rollerball. “Kellan is my best friend in the world. And yeah, I love her, but not like that. I’m pretty sure you know that. As far as Zoey goes, her father is a deadbeat. She’s curious to learn a little about her genetic makeup from a person who doesn’t suck. Don’t get all up in your head pretending we’re going to be some kind of insta-family now.”

  “But you just said you’re going to visit again this winter.”

  “Yes. That’s what friends do. They visit.” She put the stress toy back in its place on Stef’s desk. “You know, it’s also what girlfriends do.”

  “We’re not—”

  “No, I know. I know the whole story.” Dara put a hand up to stop her. “I’m divorced too,” she said proving that she was up to speed on the details. “I get what it’s like to have trust issues, particularly after being in a relationship that didn’t work out, whatever the reasons. And having to deal with something as unique as this situation can’t be easy.”

  “Please don’t think I’m judging. I can’t imagine what you went through trying to have a child. And for Kellan to help you the way she did…” Ashleigh fought the sting in her throat. “I’m hardly surprised. Kellan’s an amazing person.”

  “Do you know what the process is like?”

  Ashleigh shook her head. She didn’t even know what Dara was asking.

  “It’s intense. Being someone’s egg donor,” Dara said. “You have to constantly be on top of your health. Monitor blood pressure, temperature, take medicine, give yourself shots daily. And that’s all before you go for the surgical procedure.” She inspected her short fingernails. “You get nothing for it. Not in this kind of scenario, anyway. Kellan never complained. Not once.”

  Did Dara really think she would be surprised by Kellan’s selflessness or strength?

  “I know you know her,” Dara said, clearly reading her face. “I’m sure you’re not shocked. I just want you to understand that this wasn’t treated like some kind of routine favor. It was very serious business. A huge commitment.” She stuffed her hands in the pockets of her slim-cut jeans. “I know you feel betrayed that she didn’t tell you. I feel partially responsible on that front. If things hadn’t gotten so messed up between me and her, I’m sure you would have known. I’m sure of it.” Dara withdrew her hands and folded her arms across her chest. “Maybe she handled it all wrong with you. That’s not for me to say.” She shrugged. “What I do know, what I’m one hundred percent certain of”—Dara looked right at her—“is her intentions were pure. Her heart was in the right place.” She covered her chest as she spoke, and her eyes sparkled with respect. “It always is. That’s Kellan. And if you love her half as much as she loves you, you know that too. So quit futzing around and go get her.”

  “What do you mean go get her?” Ashleigh looked around her classroom in awe of Dara’s ridiculous suggestion.

  “If she thinks you don’t want her in your life, she’s not going to force her way back in. I know that firsthand. You’re going to have to be the one to make it happen.”

  It was a lot to process, and Ashleigh’s brain felt like scrambled eggs. “First of all, I wouldn’t even know where to begin.” Her mouth was dry, and she licked her lips, buying a few seconds to compute what was happening here. “Honestly, I don’t even know how she feels anymore.”

  “You don’t know how she feels?” Dara laughed in her face. “How she feels?” She gaped. Ashleigh could see her tongue poking the inside of her cheek. “How can I put this in a way you’ll understand? She feels…” With one finger, Dara circled the air in the vicinity of Ashleigh’s face. “She feels how you look. Completely lost. Heartbroken. That paint a picture for you?”

  Ashleigh didn’t know what to say or how to feel. The thought of Kellan feeling any kind of pain or sorrow tortured her. She focused on the lines of the square terrazzo floor, unable to make eye contact for fear that Dara would see into her heart and know her feelings for Kellan were as strong as ever. When she finally looked up, Dara was leaving.

  “Dara, wait.”

  “Yeah?” She turned in the doorway.

  “Thank you. For coming here. For telling me.” Ashleigh wiped an unexpected tear away. “I don’t know what I’m going to do. Not really.” She swiped a tissue from the box on her desk. “But thank you.”

  Dara smiled and shrugged. “My motives aren’t totally pure. Kellan’s my other half. My buddy. The yin to my yang. My ride or die. How can I be totally happy when I know how much she’s hurting, ya know?”

  Ashleigh breathed out long and hard, half crying, half smiling. “What am I going to do?” She was mostly thinking out loud, but Dara answered.

  “You’ll figure it out.” Dara backed away. “The Desmond,” she said, with a final point of her finger. “That’s the name of her family’s resort in Vail.” She tossed a playful smirk and added a wink. “Just in case you wanted to show up on a white horse or something.”

  * * *

  Ashleigh dumped the pile of clean laundry on her bed, sorting it into categories before reaching for a shirt to fold. She started with Kellan’s worn Army tee that she still slept in every night. Out of habit and longing, she brought it to her face, but any scent of Kellan was long gone, replaced by her mom’s detergent and fabric softener.

  Dara’s words echoed on loop through her mind. Only two days had passed, but she’d replayed the conversation in her head a hundred times. She barely left the house all weekend, spending the forty-eight hours cooped up, analyzing every detail of her decision to end things with Kellan.

  Even though nothing had changed, hearing Dara’s perspective somehow made her feel different than she had before. For the first time, she put herself in Kellan’s shoes and wondered what she might have done if the situation was reversed. It certainly wasn’t as cut-and-dried as she wanted it to be, and she allowed herself to own the fact that there probably wasn’t one right answer.

  She folded a camisole in half and was placing it atop the rest of her shirts when it hit her. The dark truth she’d known all along. Kellan’s misstep—if it could even be called that—had given her an escape.

  Kellan’s feelings for her had been true. Of that she was certain. But what if they faded in time? What if she got bored with her routine life? A high school math teacher who liked to visit museums on the weekend might be a decent summer distraction, but for the long term, Kellan would surely want more. Even Reagan had. T
he idea of having something real with Kellan and then losing her was a pain she couldn’t bear to imagine. In the last two years she’d struggled through her break-up with Reagan, and her feelings weren’t even romantic for the last half of that union. A split with Kellan would decimate her. She was sure of it. It was the safer choice to bail out before she was in too deep.

  But wasn’t she destroyed now? She shook off the thought as she put away a stack of leggings. She fought off tears daily when she looked at pictures of their summer together just to see Kellan’s face and remember what it felt like to be in her arms. Didn’t that qualify as legit heartbreak? The pain of their dissolution didn’t feel more palatable because it had come at her own hand.

  Ashleigh closed the drawer with a thud and leaned against the dresser, surveying her bedroom. What the fuck was she doing with her life, besides letting it pass by?

  She closed her eyes and watched the reel of her existence play out in her mind. Her friends and her parents were always there, her champions through everything. They’d given comfort, support, encouragement, and advice in the last few years and again in recent weeks. She leaned on them like a crutch.

  It was time to lose the training wheels.

  She opened her eyes and let herself feel joy and excitement surge through her. Some nerves too, for sure. But suddenly, she knew what she needed to do. What she wanted to do. It came to her out of nowhere, like an epiphany. Her own Angel Gabriel with a ridiculous and crazy premonition of the future.

  And even though the idea was wild and essentially went against all the logical, rational bones in her body, she knew she had to follow her heart and go for it. It was time to be spontaneous.

  * * *

  “Liam, I’m about to do something crazy.” Ashleigh strode into the bar on a mission.

  “Good afternoon to you too,” he said with a friendly smile.

  “I’m sorry.” She leaned over the bar and planted a kiss on his cheek. “Hi,” she said, prepared to start over. “How are you?”