A Semi-Charming Kind of Life

by Suzanne Selfors

  Why did she bother with these activities?

  Because Darling had realized that in all those stories about girls stuck in towers, not a single girl had simply climbed out. Which seemed the most logical thing to do. So Darling decided to build up her strength. By moonlight, she shimmied out the window and taught herself how to climb the ivy trellis. Within a few months, she was scaling the wall as gracefully as a spider. And beneath her delicately woven gowns and lacy festive frocks, Darling became transformed. She now possessed a body as strong and sinewy as any athlete’s.

  Living in a tower might have been an old-fashioned story, but Darling Charming was rewriting it.

  Chapter 5

  Dexter’s Dilemma

  Back at Ever After High, Darling climbed down the vine and jumped onto the grass beneath her balcony. She wanted to kick off her shoes and sprint at full speed, her hair whipping behind her like a horse’s mane. But she controlled this urge, instead walking briskly, her chin held high and shoulders back as she’d been taught. “Never stomp, never slink, never skedaddle,” her mother often said. “A princess must glide.”

  Gliding was a royal pain, but thanks to her athletic prowess, Darling had mastered the technique of gliding quickly, her feet barely skimming the ground, as if she were supported by fairy wings. As she made her way past the school’s bookstore, a pair of boys got so distracted trying to attract her attention that they bumped into each other. Another boy tripped over is own feet when, after realizing he had just walked by the daughter of the Charming family, he tried to double back and run after her. Bike tires screeched. Something was knocked over. I’m a walking natural disaster, she thought.

  She reached the school gardens, which were as lovely as could be, with shrubbery sculpted like dragons, unicorns, and griffins. There were sparkling fountains, velvety roses, and lazy pools of shade beneath willow branches. The blue sky was highlighted by faint streaks of fairy dust. Students sat on benches around the swan pond, chatting and checking their MirrorPhones. A few members of the cheerhexing squad flew past, their pom-poms rustling like leaves. Ashlynn Ella, daughter of Cinderella, and Hunter were stringing a banner between two stone pillars.

  WELCOME TO PARENTS WEEKEND

  Darling had forgotten about Parents Weekend, an annual school event. But she didn’t have to worry, because her mother and father would be away, having already scheduled a cruise to Avalon. The fact that her parents couldn’t attend was a huge relief. It would have been quite stressful to have King and Queen Charming following her around all weekend, checking to make sure she was being the perfect princess and that she wasn’t engaging in any dangerous activities. How would she explain the calluses on her hands from the ivy vines?

  “Hi, Darling!” Cedar Wood, daughter of Pinocchio, waved to her. Darling waved back, fanning her hand through the air as she’d been taught. She’d already aced the waving thronework in Damsel-In-Distressing. But there was no time to stop and chat. Dexter was still sitting in the middle of the field. He needed her.

  At that very moment, a tall man caught her eye. Headmaster Grimm was strolling along the path, as he often did, stopping to check in with students. Darling tried to dart around a glass-slipper-shaped shrub, but she wasn’t fast enough.

  “Ms. Charming,” he called. He usually referred to the students in this manner, choosing not to call them by their royal titles. While at Ever After High, each student was equal to any other student. In theory, at least.

  “Good morning, Headmaster,” she said as she glided to a stop.

  He was wearing far too many layers for such a nice day, but that was his style. The high-collared shirt, the waist jacket, the coat with tails, and the cravat gave him a gentlemanly air. “You are well, I presume?”

  “Yes.”

  “Hexcellent news.” He ran a hand over his gray mustache. “Your father called yesterday to check on your status. I assured him that even though we have not locked you in a tower, you are most safe here on campus. Our high-tech security system is on alert each evening. No starstruck intruders will princess-nap you—not on my watch.” He clasped his hands behind his back.

  Campus security was tight, but Darling had two personal security guards of her own—her brothers. Daring could often be found chasing suitors off campus. Sometimes, Dexter would even sleep on the floor outside Darling’s room.

  “Learning to live with constant suitors is your lot in life, and it is best that you deal with it, instead of hiding away in a tower. We must each learn to live with the hand we’ve been dealt, wouldn’t you agree?” Headmaster Grimm was a firm believer that one should follow one’s storyline.

  “Yes, I wholeheartedly agree.” But that didn’t mean she had to like it.

  He smiled approvingly. “I look forward to seeing your mother and father during Parents Weekend.”

  “Oh, they won’t be coming,” she said. “They’ve booked a stateroom on Mermaid Cruises.”

  “That is disappointing news. Your father is our school’s most generous benefactor, and I was going to hit him up for… er, I mean request a small contribution to Hagatha’s retirement fund. The sooner she retires as lunch lady, the sooner our stomachs will recover. Well, good day, Ms. Charming.”

  “Good day.” She waited patiently until he was out of view. Then she crossed the drawbridge and headed onto the field.

  Dexter hadn’t moved. He sat with shoulders slumped, staring down at his feet. His helmet lay on the ground. Since there was no velvet pillow or stool to perch upon, she plopped onto the grass next to him. “Hi,” she said. “Are you okay?”

  “Hi,” he grumbled, not bothering to look up. He had a bad case of helmet hair, and his armor was dented. And on top of that, he sounded congested.

  “What’s the matter?” She didn’t want him to know that she’d witnessed him falling off the horse, in case he didn’t want to talk about it. But she knew, from his tight expression, that he was feeling defeated.

  He ripped a buttercup from its roots. “We’re learning how to joust, but I can’t even get onto the horse!”

  “Look on the bright side,” Darling said. “You get to joust. Guess what I have to do for my class. I get to wait. That’s right—I get graded on sitting and doing nothing.”

  Dexter winced. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

  “Tell me about it.” She laughed, because sometimes her predicament was downright funny. “Right now, I’d trade your thronework for mine in a heartbeat.”

  “I can’t trade. We’re going to have a tournament for Parents Weekend. It’s tradition.” He groaned. “How can I compete in a tournament? I’m terrible.”

  “It’s just the first day. You can’t be perfect on the first day.”

  Dexter’s shoulders slumped again. And then he said exactly what she had expected he’d say. “Dare was perfect on the first day.”

  Even though Darling hadn’t witnessed her oldest brother’s first day of riding lessons, she knew he’d pulled it off without a hitch. Life was easy for Daring. Whether graced by luck or skill, he never failed when it came to being heroic. Daring’s perfection was one of the reasons why Dexter and Darling had grown so close during their childhood. While she’d been raised beneath a canopy of strict rules regarding her appearance, her manners, and her daily routine, Dexter had been raised in his brother’s shadow.

  Daring Charming was everything his mother and father had hoped for and more. Handsome of face, strong of body, and brave of heart, he was the model of a perfect Charming prince. A skilled swordsman, an elegant equestrian, and a terrific tower climber, he possessed all the skills required of a hero. Girls swooned for him. Boys wanted to be him. But no matter how hard Dexter tried, he couldn’t match his brother’s accomplishments.

  Daring was number one, and Dexter was, well, number two.

  They were different in other ways, as well. Daring knew he was handsome, and his grooming routine was elaborate and time-consuming. Like his pet peacock, P-Hawk, he enjoyed being
seen. He was confident and could march into any room and begin a conversation, even if he knew nothing about the subject.

  Dexter, on the other hand, wasn’t arrogant about his good looks. His tousled mop of chestnut hair gave him a more casual style than his brother, and his dreamy eyes were often hidden behind a pair of black-framed glasses. He preferred to observe and form his opinions before sharing them. He was thoughtful, intelligent, and sweet. But though he possessed all those amazing attributes, there was always the sense that he wasn’t measuring up to King Charming’s expectations.

  “So what if Dare was perfect on the first day?” Darling said. “You’ve got to stop comparing yourself.” How many times had she said that over the years?

  “Look, I know you’re trying to make me feel better, but you don’t know the half of it.”

  “The half of what?”

  “I’m having trouble because my glasses don’t fit under the helmet. And you know I can’t see two feet in front of me without my glasses.” He frowned. “But that’s not the worst part.”

  “What’s the worst part?”

  He picked up his helmet. Then he sneezed.

  “Are you getting sick?”

  “No.” Dexter sneezed again, then he set the helmet back into the grass. “I think I’m allergic to armor!”

  Chapter 6

  Overly Perfect

  You can’t be allergic to armor,” Darling said, though she wasn’t so sure. When he was a little boy, Dexter had been allergic to cat dander, golden goose feather pillows, and pixie pollen. Fortunately, a round of royal allergy shots had cured him.

  “It has to be an allergy. My nose got stuffy the second I put on the breastplate and backplate.”

  “It’s just a coincidence,” she said, trying to sound convincing. If her brother was indeed allergic to armor, the quintessential outfit for a hero, he’d never live it down. “You’re probably catching a cold.”

  “Maybe.” He sneezed a third time. “But whether I’m sick or not, I’ll still be a total failure at jousting. I’m liable to ride in the wrong direction, or worse—skewer an innocent bystander!” He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes.

  Though Darling knew her brother’s face by heart, she was always surprised when he removed his glasses. When it came to piercing eyes, Dexter Charming reigned supreme. It wasn’t just the rich blue color, or the lashes as thick as paintbrushes—the eyes themselves sparkled. They twinkled. They were simply to die for. But there was one slight flaw, and this was discovered on the day he learned to crawl.

  “Why does he keep bumping into the walls?” the queen whispered worriedly to her husband. “Is something the matter with our baby boy?”

  “That’s not possible,” King Charming told her. “Charmings are well built and athletic.”

  The royal physician was summoned, and after bandaging the boy’s head, he declared, “I am very sorry to tell you this, Your Majesties, but it would appear that your son has…” He paused. “Imperfect vision.”

  “Imperfect?” King Charming leaped to his feet. The pitiful physician began to quake. “Did you call one of my children imperfect?” Right on cue, Dexter, who’d been crawling around his mother’s feet, bumped his head on her throne.

  “No, Your Highness of Royalness and Magnificence,” the physician said. “What I meant to say was that his eyesight is… overly perfect.”

  “Of course it is,” the king said proudly. He sat back on his throne. “Overly perfect eyesight. Do you hear that, my dear? Our son is more than perfect. He is overly perfect.”

  “Yes, that does make sense,” the queen said. “But what do we do about all the lumps and bumps on his head?”

  “He shall require… lenses,” the physician said.

  “Lenses?” King Charming asked.

  “Yes, Your Majesty. Lenses to be worn over the eyes.”

  “Are you talking about glasses?” King Charming leaped to his feet again. “No son of mine is going to be called Four Eyes!”

  “Glasses?” the queen asked. “But those are so unbecoming. Surely there’s another solution. No Charming has ever worn glasses.”

  “But these are not ordinary glasses. Of course not, Your Majesties. These are special glasses, required for overly perfect vision.”

  Both the king and queen looked pleased. “Special glasses are acceptable.”

  And so it was that Dexter became the first Charming to wear glasses. They’d become as much a part of him as his arms and legs. They’d enhanced his life. But now, with a jousting tournament on the horizon, the glasses were proving to be an impediment.

  He plucked another buttercup from the field. “The helmet is standard issue. I have to wear it,” he told Darling. “But the faceplate wasn’t designed for glasses. And you know I can’t wear contacts.” It was true. Dexter’s eyes were so sensitive, if a speck of dust or stray eyelash got into one of them, it could only be removed by a puff of fairy breath. It was quite an ordeal.

  “Why not have a new helmet designed to fit over your glasses?” Darling suggested. She’d had her workout suit tailored for her exact measurements. “Then it will fit you perfectly.”

  “That’s impossible. Parents Weekend is in a few days. There’s not enough time.” He sneezed again.

  Darling pursed her lips. She’d long ago learned an important lesson—there was always a way to wrestle with the impossible. If not allowed to climb in public, simply climb when everyone else is asleep. If not allowed to gallop, then pretend your horse took you off course and gallop as soon as you’re out of sight.

  And if something doesn’t fit, mold it to your own specifications.

  As she wondered who might be able to help with such short notice, Dexter slowly got to his feet. “I’m so glad Mom and Dad aren’t coming. It’s going to be bad enough having all the other parents watch me fall off my horse.” He brushed a few blades of grass off his chain mail tunic.

  Darling’s MirrorPhone buzzed. “Uh-oh,” she said as she scrambled to her feet. “It’s a group hext from Mom.” She showed the screen to Dexter, and they groaned at the same time.

  Dearest Charming children,

  We have rescheduled our Mermaid cruise.

  See you on Parents Weekend.

  “And I thought the day couldn’t get any worse,” Dexter said. “Why can’t I be in a chess match for Parents Weekend? Or a gaming competition? I’m good at those things. Why do we even have to joust? The only people who joust these days are those weird old knights from Wonderland… or people who get summer jobs in theme parks.”

  “We could trade,” she said with a devious smile. “I’ll joust, and you’ll go to Damsel-In-Distressing.”

  He smiled back. “Mom would faint if she heard you say that.”

  They shared a laugh. Then Darling straightened her skirt and rearranged her tiara. “Since Mom and Dad are coming for Parents Weekend, we’ll have to be on our best Charming behavior, and that means you have to get ready for this joust.” She picked up her brother’s helmet. “Let’s go get this fixed.”

  Chapter 7

  The Village Smithy

  The Village of Book End was a short walk from campus. Dexter found that it was easier to wear the suit of armor than to carry all the pieces, even if it meant extra sneezes. But Darling insisted on holding the helmet. She liked the feel of the metal in her hands. If she’d had a moment to herself, she would have slipped it over her head. But that would be very unbecoming for a Charming princess. Besides, the helmet wasn’t designed to fit over a tiara any more than it was designed to fit over glasses.

  Book End was a quaint village, set along a cobbled, meandering street. Some shops, such as the Mad Hatter of Wonderland’s Haberdashery & Tea Shoppe and the Beanstalk Bakery, looked as if they’d come straight out of a storybook, while others, like the Glass Slipper Shoe Store and the Hocus Latte Café, had a much more modern appeal. Though a walk to the village was a welcome break from school, Darling didn’t go very often. While many of the boys on the
school campus had grown used to seeing her and had learned she wasn’t going to marry any of them, she was still a novelty to many of the local village boys.

  “Here we go,” Dexter said sarcastically as a boy stuck his head out of the Red Shoes Dance Club.

  “I love your family!” he cried, a woozy look spreading across his face.

  “Don’t worry,” Darling called. “You’ll get over it.” She’d been thinking about ordering cards with that phrase so she could hand them out as needed. Another boy ran out of the bakery and thrust a slice of red-velvet cheesecake at her. “For you, Charming princess! Will you marry me?”

  Dexter stepped protectively between his sister and the panting boy. “My sister isn’t marrying anyone. And she’s not eating that—she’s lactose-intolerant!” he said. The lactose part wasn’t true, but it was a polite way to get rid of the boy.

  They walked a few more paces, then Dexter came to an abrupt stop. Darling assumed he was about to protect her from another suitor, but his gaze was fixed on a girl. She was at a coffee stand, ordering a drink. Her black hair was pulled into a long braid, and her purple boots were laced up to her knees. “Raven,” Dexter whispered.

  Raven Queen, daughter of the infamous Evil Queen, was one of the best-known students on campus, not only because of her lineage but also because she was credited with having started the whole “Rebel” trend. She’d refused to sign the Storybook of Legends and had torn out her page, which meant that she’d refused to accept and commit herself to her prewritten destiny. She also began to publicly question her destiny. Some of the students respected her, but others were critical.