A Semi-Charming Kind of Life

by Suzanne Selfors

  Instructions: Load the cassette tape labeled SOUND RECOGNITION, PART ONE into the classroom’s sound system. Follow the directions.

  “Cassette tape?” Cerise said with a laugh. “What the hex is that? This lesson must be ancient.”

  Madam Maid Marian found the tape in the desk drawer. Apple gently woke Briar so she wouldn’t miss the lesson. The girls grabbed more tea and settled on the velvet cushions. Darling wondered if she could order a pair of Marian’s suede boots on the Mirror Network. They looked as though they’d be good for climbing.

  “Welcome to Damsel-In-Distressing Sound Recognition Lesson, Part One,” the cassette tape’s narrator said. “You will hear a sound. You will have a few moments to guess the sound’s origin before the correct answer is revealed. The first sound is…”

  Galloping filled the speakers, faint at first, then increasing in volume.

  “Oh, that’s easy,” Apple said. “That’s Daring Charming coming to my rescue.”

  “Or someone else,” Duchess said. “It’s not written in stone that Daring will be your Prince Charming. He might be someone else’s.” It was well known that Duchess had a crush on Daring.

  “You are mistaken,” Apple said with polite certainty. “Of course he’s going to be my Prince Charming. I even had key chains made commemorating our future marriage.”

  Duchess looked like she was about to say something else, but the narrator interrupted. “That was the sound of the rescuing prince making his approach,” the narrator said. “This is an extremely important sound because it gives the damsel fair warning that she should make herself presentable. After a damsel is locked in a tower or dungeon, her hair will surely be a mess.”

  “Yeah, and her mind will be a mess, too,” Holly murmured.

  The narrator continued. “The second sound is…” Beating wings filled the speakers.

  “That’s a dragon,” Ashlynn said. “Or it could be a griffin. But since griffins don’t normally kidnap damsels, I’m guessing dragon. And to beat that kind of rhythm, you’d need a wingspan of at least twenty feet across.” Ashlynn was considered a bit of an animal expert on campus. She spoke many different animal languages, including Squirrel Squeak and Griffinglish.

  “If you are destined to be held captive by a dragon,” the narrator said, “this is the sound you will hear before the dragon carries you away. Upon hearing this sound, it is suggested that you quickly pack items into a purse or pocket. A hairbrush, lip gloss, and moist towelettes will help keep your face fresh for when the prince arrives.”

  “I’d grab a book,” Apple said.

  “I’d get my music,” Briar said.

  “I’d take my cloak,” Cerise said.

  “I’d take a sword.” Darling’s hand flew to her mouth. She hadn’t meant to say that.

  Madam Maid Marian leaned forward, her eyebrows raised. “And why would you take a sword, Ms. Charming?”

  Everyone stared at her. Madam Maid Marian nodded encouragingly. “Because I’d want to protect myself,” Darling said with a sudden rush of confidence.

  “I don’t think a sword is the right answer,” Apple pointed out. “I mean, if we had swords, we wouldn’t need to be rescued. And then we wouldn’t need to take this class.”

  Duchess snorted. “That sounds like something a Rebel would say.”

  The narrator cleared her throat, as if trying to get the class’s attention. “The final sound of the day is sound number three.” They waited, but nothing came out of the speakers.

  “It must not be working,” Briar said.

  “Sound number three was the sound of waiting,” the tape’s narrator said. “Waiting is an important sound that the damsel must get used to.”

  “That wasn’t the sound of waiting,” Madam Maid Marian said with a shake of her head. “That was the sound of life passing you by.”

  Chapter 9

  Gallant Sir Gallopad

  That evening’s curfew check was assigned to Mrs. Her Majesty the White Queen. Being from Wonderland, she tended to do things in a Wonderlandian sort of way. That was why, when she stuck her head into Darling and Rosabella’s room to see if the girls were tucked snugly in bed, she said, “Good night, good night, and if the bedbugs should bite, biting them back would be a delight.” Then she slammed the door shut and marched off to the next room.

  Darling lay as still as possible, waiting until Rosabella’s breathing had slowed and deepened. Soft snoring drifted from a floral bouquet, where Adelita the butterfly was sleeping on a rose petal bed. Darling glanced at the clock. Time was running out. It was now or never.

  Moving like a shadow, she stuffed pillows beneath her silk quilt so it would look as if she were still in bed. Honestly, she probably could have stomped around and Rosabella wouldn’t have woken up. The girl was always so exhausted after her full days of taking classes, leading peaceful protests, and collecting signatures for various petitions that she fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. Darling tiptoed into the bathroom, where she changed out of her nightgown and into her workout suit. She added a matching jacket to combat the evening’s chill, and a pair of running shoes. Once her hair was secured in a ponytail, she crept onto the balcony, then climbed down the vines until she was safely on the ground.

  If she was caught breaking curfew, there’d be a phone call to her parents. Which would lead to a big lecture. There’d be no way to explain her motives. Charming princesses didn’t sneak out at night. They didn’t seek adventure. And they certainly didn’t break rules.

  But when Madam Maid Marian had said that the sound of waiting was actually the sound of life passing by, Darling had wanted to leap to her feet and hug her. It was as if she had looked right into Darling’s soul and had read those words etched on her heart.

  The night air was crisp and refreshing. The moon had not yet risen, but the campus was well lit. If she jumped into the Ever After High wishing well, she’d land in the mountains beyond the Dark Forest, but she didn’t want to travel that far. She had one destination in mind, and to get there, she planned on traveling in a very traditional way.

  A clip-clop sound neared. Headmaster Grimm was serious about security, which was why he’d hired All the King’s Horses and All the King’s Men to patrol the grounds after dark. Darling darted behind a bush as a pair rode past. The horses snorted but didn’t notice her. Nor did the soldiers, who were chatting about some sort of sporting match they’d watched on the Mirror Network. As soon as the coast was clear, Darling ran all the way to the stables.

  Most of the students at Ever After High had pets. Some had brought their creatures from home, while others had received theirs in a special ceremony in the Enchanted Forest. Sir Gallopad, a pure-white horse with a glossy white mane, had been chosen for Darling specifically for his size and demeanor. He was small, shy, and quiet. He’d never thrown anyone from the saddle, had never bucked or kicked. Riding him could be a chore because he liked to stop and nibble on shrubbery. The Charming Committee on Appropriate Pets had been delighted with Sir Gallopad, confident that the princess would be safe with such a timid creature. And they were thrilled to learn that he possessed the magical ability to change colors, which allowed him to camouflage himself if danger should appear. But what the committee didn’t know was that, like Darling, Sir Gallopad also had a secret.

  He loved to gallop!

  She crept past the stalls that housed some of the other pets, including Briar Beauty’s Divacorn and C.A. Cupid’s Pegasus. “Hi,” she whispered as she opened the last stall. To the untrained eye, it would have appeared that Darling was speaking to a huge mound of straw. But in an instant, the mound changed color, revealing a small white horse. Sir Gallopad was wide awake, as if he’d sensed that she was on her way. She scratched between his ears. “Want to go for a ride?” He smiled at her and nuzzled her cheek. Then she slipped the reins over his head and led him outside. No saddle was necessary. With ease, she lifted herself onto his back and then gently urged him toward the campus boundary
.

  Because a number of students had been caught sneaking into the Village of Book End after hours and frolicking in the Enchanted Forest when they were supposed to be in bed, Headmaster Grimm had installed an additional security measure. Every night, at the twelfth stroke of midnight, a one-hundred-foot-tall wall of briars appeared along the campus perimeter, so thick and thorny that no one could pass through unless they knew the security code. And every morning, with the first ray of dawn, the briars disappeared, as if they’d never existed. The trick for any wandering student was to leave campus before the briars grew, then return at dawn and sneak back into the dormitory without anyone noticing.

  Dong.

  Uh-oh. She glanced over at the clock tower. It was the first stroke of midnight.

  “Hurry,” she told Sir Gallopad. At the edge of campus, the ground cracked open and briar tips poked out of the earth. Dong. They grew a foot. She’d never ridden through the thorny shrubbery. It was risky, but if they galloped at full speed, they might make it before the thorns fully sprouted.

  “Halt!” a voice called.

  Sir Gallopad skidded to a stop and immediately turned the color of the nearby stone wall. One of the King’s Men approached. His black stallion had fierce eyebrows and flared nostrils.

  “Who goes there?” the soldier demanded. Darling clenched her jaw. To be discovered outside after curfew would greatly disappoint her parents—but worse, she wasn’t dressed properly, and she’d never hear the end of that.

  So, just as the soldier rode up to her, she untied her ponytail and flipped her hair. This wasn’t because she’d found a bug in it, or because she was trying to look even more charming. It was how she activated her secret enchantment—a secret she kept to herself and used only in dire emergencies. Getting caught in a workout suit after curfew seemed to fit that category.

  With a dramatic flip of her silky locks, Darling could slow time, almost to the point of making it stand still. It lasted only a few moments, but it was long enough for Darling and Sir Gallopad to escape through the briars, which still had wide spaces between them. Once she’d crossed the campus border, she turned and watched as time returned to normal. The soldier scratched his head in puzzlement. All he knew was that a girl had vanished into thin air. Dong. The briars rose to their full one-hundred-foot height, and Darling was safe from view.

  Freedom! She rode across the footbridge, through the meadow, and into the Enchanted Forest. Moonlight trickled between leaves, and a pair of wide eyes blinked from a nearby tree. Sir Gallopad didn’t startle at the sound of an owl or the rustling of branches. He was as brave as any of the King’s Horses. Excitement darted up Darling’s spine. She gripped the reins and tightened her legs. Then she leaned close to Sir Gallopad’s ear and whispered, “Go.”

  There was no sensation like galloping. Sir Gallopad wove between trees and leaped over fallen logs. It was an obstacle course fit for a professional team, but Darling and Sir Gallopad were naturals. Their instincts blended, taking cues from each other. Together, the shy horse and the quiet princess were a force with which to be reckoned.

  When they’d both reached exhaustion and the midnight ride was over, they stopped at a stream for water. Because of the security system, there was no way to get back to school until dawn, so Sir Gallopad lay on the mossy forest floor. Darling settled next to him, resting her head on his warm back. As her eyelids grew heavy, she smiled. There had been no one to tell her that galloping was too dangerous. No one tossing bouquets or hollering marriage proposals. That night she’d been free of all that, and she’d felt completely at ease. As the owl hooted softly, bidding them good night, Darling closed her eyes and fell into the deep sleep that comes with happiness.

  Just before dawn, Darling’s MirrorPhone alarm chimed. She brushed fallen leaves from her face. “Time to get back,” she told Sir Gallopad. He snorted, his breath misty in the cool air. As she started to rise, Darling found a small arrow lying on the ground at her feet. “Where’d this come from?” she asked. The arrow’s shaft was made from pale birch wood. Green feathers were bound to its end with a thin leather cord. “These are just like the feathers that Madam Maid Marian wore in her earrings,” Darling said, holding the arrow out so Sir Gallopad could sniff it. His ears flicked. The MirrorPhone alarm chimed a second time. There was no time to ponder the arrow’s appearance. Best to leave it where it had been found, in case someone came looking. Darling swung her leg up and over Sir Gallopad’s back. He carried her swiftly across the bridge and to the wall of briars.

  As the first ray of dawn appeared, the briars and their deadly barbs evaporated. The cracks in the ground sealed, and grass sprouted in their place. The King’s Men watered and fed their horses, then marched back to their barracks for a meal and sleep. As soon as they’d closed the barracks door, Darling rode into the stables. It was the stable ogre’s duty to feed the pets, but he wouldn’t arrive until breakfast time, so she gave Sir Gallopad an extra handful of oats. She kissed him on the muzzle, then nimbly made her way back to the dormitory and climbed the vines to her room. Rosabella stirred briefly, complained that it was too early to wake up, then rolled onto her stomach. Darling put on her nightgown, hid the workout suit and sneakers in the back of her closet, and slipped into bed.

  Even though she had an hour to catch a few more winks, her eyes were wide open. The arrow hadn’t been in the forest when she’d fallen asleep. Whoever owned it must have been out past curfew.

  Perhaps Darling wasn’t the only person at Ever After High who had secrets.

  Chapter 10

  Bad News Betty

  Darling sat at the table in the Castleteria filled with classic princesses, eating their late breakfasts. The table wasn’t reserved for students of royal heritage only, but the girls tended to stick together.

  “Blech,” Briar complained as she stirred her porridge. “Why is Hagatha’s porridge always lumpy?” Hagatha was in charge of the Castleteria kitchen. A rather hairy old lady, she tended to cook bland, traditional foods. She’d never been nominated for chef of the year.

  “Hagatha adds the lumps on purpose,” Apple said. “Literally.” Sure enough, a box labeled LUMPS sat on a shelf in the Castleteria’s pantry.

  “We shouldn’t be worried about lumps,” Rosabella said. “We should be worried about the fact that the porridge is made from magically modified grains.”

  “Lay it on us,” Briar said with an eye roll. “It’s not as if we were enjoying this anyway.”

  “Magically modified food is a serious issue,” Rosabella said. “We don’t know the long-term effects on our bodies.” She grabbed her ever-present picket sign. “I’m going to protest. Who’s with me?”

  All the girls suddenly checked their MirrorPhones as if an important hext had arrived.

  “Suit yourselves,” she said. “I’m going to talk to Ginger Breadhouse. She’s the best cook on campus. Surely she cares about this issue.” She hurried over to the next table.

  “Good luck,” Darling called. Rosabella’s protests were important, but there were so many things she wanted to change. It was exhausting after a while.

  A bell chimed and Headmaster Grimm appeared on the Castleteria’s large mirror screen. The headmaster was seated behind his heavy oak desk. Even though he wasn’t royalty, his chair resembled a throne. “Good morning, students. Today’s weather forecast calls for an agreeable amount of sunshine with intermittent spells of pleasantness. This evening, however, winds are expected out of the north, which might bring a batch of flying badgers. But not to worry—the weather should be perfect for Parents Weekend.” The camera moved into an extreme close-up of his face. His bushy eyebrows furrowed. “I am reminding each and every one of you that your best behavior is expected for Parents Weekend. Rebellious activity of any sort will not be tolerated.” His eyeballs moved to the left of the screen and stared down at the exact spot where Raven Queen was sitting.

  “What?” Raven said with a shrug. “I’m just eating my breakfast. Yeesh.” />
  The camera widened to a shot of the headmaster at his desk. “Parents Weekend is one of our most important events at Ever After High, and I have full confidence that each of you will make your parents proud. However, if anyone hears of rebellious plans being made, report them immediately to my office.” The screen went black.

  “Parents Weekend is a royal pain,” Briar said. “The cleaning fairies are already fully booked. I’m going to have to clean my room myself.”

  “I can give you the number of a great cleaning dwarf service,” Apple said. “They sing the cutest songs while they work.”

  “That would be hexcellent,” Briar said.

  “Don’t clean my side of the room,” Ashlynn said. She and Briar were roommates. “My mom would flip her crown if she found out I didn’t do it myself! The whole Cinderella story starts out with cleaning and scrubbing, you know.”

  Darling wasn’t worried about her room. Even though she’d offered to do the work herself, her parents paid for a weekly cleaning fairy visit, which included laundry service. Unlike Ashlynn, Darling wasn’t expected to engage in manual labor. “Does anyone know what kind of presentation Madam Maid Marian is planning for Parents Weekend?” she wondered.

  Apple glanced up and down the table, then lowered her voice. “Headmaster Grimm did not seem pleased that Madam Maid Marian was teaching the class again. My parents are worried, too. They think she might influence us in a rebellious way.” She shrugged. “Just because she went off story, that doesn’t mean we’ll go astray.”

  Silence descended over their small group, along with a guilty look on each of their faces. They’d all strayed from their stories in one way or another. Ashlynn was dating Hunter, who was a non-Royal, and Apple had openly supported their relationship. Briar had developed an interest in HeXtreme sports. And then there was Darling.