Why?

by Glynis Baxter

  My mum had warned me that I was not allowed to tell them about Ryan, that as far as they were concerned she was single and managing by herself, but I told my aunties on one of our morning walks out with Tanya as I felt I could trust them. They had been quizzing me on how we were getting on by ourselves, and how I must have been relieved to see the back of Jerry and all the endless arguments. That’s when I let it slip we weren’t on our own, we were living with Ryan. I was reprimanded there and then, and told not to tell lies and that they thought I was better than that. That was the first time I had reached out to anyone about my circumstances, but I was left feeling flat and wretched. It was obvious I had nowhere to turn – my mum had covered all the angles and who was going to believe me I was just a kid.

  My mum had become friendly with the neighbours who had a Patterdale dog called Ella. They went out together, occasionally socialising at the local pub. My mum, all excited, announced Ella was having pups and she was getting one. The neighbour Kelly worshipped Ella and treated her like an extra child, and was as chuffed as anything she was having pups. My mum was counting down the days until she got her new dog. She decided on a male dog and called him Whisky. Just like Kelly she doted on him, taking him everywhere with her. On our annual holiday he was sent to the local kennel that had been recommended by a friend. On our return my mum insisted that I went and collected him while she unpacked. I didn’t want to fetch him as I had been with her when he was dropped off and I remembered the huge sign on the gate: ‘NO VISITORS WITHOUT MAKING A PRIOR APPOINTMENT, THESE PREMISES ARE PATROLLED AT ALL TIMES BY SECURITY DOGS, RUNNING FREE’. Plus I had seen the dogs patrolling the perimeter when we dropped Whisky off: two great evil-looking Doberman. I reminded my mum of all this but she shrugged it off. “Don’t be daft, Danielle, they know you are going for him – I have rang them.”

  Still feeling apprehensive I set off. It was a long walk to the kennel, and all the way there I was cursing my mum for having to fetch him. The kennel was set in its own grounds, with no other properties around, as I walked up the lane towards it, there as I had remembered was the warning to keep out. Bloody hell, what was I doing? this was madness.There was no sign of the Doberman but I was sweating as I lifted the latch on the gate. As the heavy wooden gate was pushed open it gave out a loud screech from the hinges, my heart jumped into my mouth as I slammed the gate shut again still expecting the maneaters to fly out at me, but no, there was nothing. Relieved I realised my mum must have called ahead and, reopening the gate, walked towards the office block to request Whisky back.

  As I approached the building an Alsation that was laid casually up against the office flew at me. I began screaming in sheer panic, fearing for my life. The Alsation raised to its full height and pinned me up against the wall, snarling and growling. I closed my eyes as I saw its jaws coming closer and closer to my face. It locked its teeth onto my left ear and I knew at any second he was going to tear my ear off.

  “Christ, NO. Dollar, get down, get down this instant.” Opening my eyes I saw a middle-aged couple running across the yard. “Dollar, leave, leave this instance.” The Alsation immediately did as instructed, thankfully leaving my ear intact and ran up to its owners. I slid down the wall into a grovelling heap. The woman looked horrified. “What are you doing here?” she asked, I could not speak, taking my hands they led me into the office.

  “Geoff, go and get her a strong drink of tea with plenty of sugar and I’ll try and find out why she is here.” I didn’t want a drink but she forced it on me. “So why are you here? Did you not see the sign?” Of course I had, I wasn’t stupid, but my mother had got me in this mess, I could have been mauled to death.

  I explained I had come to get Whisky and that my mum had rung ahead they exchanged puzzled looks. “I had no phone call, did you?” she asked Geoff. Geoff shook his head; it was obvious she had not rung.

  “Are you going to be alright getting back, do you want us to call anyone to get you?” She was genuinely concerned, the Alsation Dollar had gone back to laying in the sun and had lost complete interest in me, and looked like butter wouldn’t melt. Reassuring her I was alright I collected Whisky. On my return my mum asked if it had gone alright I told her the full story but she was still insistant she had phoned ahead.

  Ryan and my mum were both doing well in their jobs and decided it was time to move up the property ladder, they finally settled on a small two-bedroomed bungalow in Forest Town on a modern estate. My granddad was still having problems with his heart and had suffered another few attacks, the final one had been fatal and taking him in the night. My poor grandma had found him dead at the side of her the following morning and was devastated. My mum and I went to his funeral. It was only a small gathering just family and a few work mates. I sat in the funeral car looking at the hearse as it made its way slowly to the crematorium, my mum silently sobbing at the side of me. I felt empty, I wanted to cry and could not understand why I was unable too. I loved my granddad but my emotions were dead, I just could not connect to them. I felt guilty for not crying, for not being able to comfort my grandma or ease her pain.

  My mum’s sister and her husband had an extension built on the side of their home, which was converted into a living room for my grandma to live in.

  My mum was furious, “I can’t believe that she has sold her home, and given them the money to build that extension. They’re not bothered about her, they’re more interested in adding value to their own home. What about me, what do I get?” She hated her elder sister, believing she was favoured over her. I understood why my grandma had made the decision to move in with her daughter and husband. My grandparents had owned their house since they had been married, all the memories and history wrapped up in that house would have been to much to bear on her own. Once my grandma moved, my visits to stay with her each summer stopped. As my mum and her sister despised each other we were not welcome at her house, not even for a quick visit.

  34

  My mum continued drinking alcohol every night and she had discovered a cheaper way of doing this as the local public house would fill her empty bottle up for her with sherry, and when she ran out she would send me out to get her refills at all hours of the night. It was a good half an hour walk to the pub from where we lived. I was petrified but no amount of protesting worked. At nine or ten o’clock I was sent out petrified as it was 1978 and during the reign of the Yorkshire Ripper.

  The papers and news were full of stories about him, how he was alluding the police, and who was his latest victim, and here I was at fifteen being forced to get my overbearing mother her fix and too scared of her to refuse. Every passing car or shadow made me jump, I could hear my heart beating like a drum in my chest. Christ, I hated her. As I entered the pub the barmaid scowled at me as I asked for her refill, not even questioning my age or what I thought I was playing at, but at least being in there was sanctuary before having to go back out into the cold and dark.

  Her relationship with Ryan had hit an all time low, they were constantly arguing, and when they had been out for their weekend drinking sessions it always ended in violence with Ryan lashing out at my mum because she was constantly nagging him. She would go on and on at him for hours. I would watch him, he would not answer her back, she was way too intelligent and he could never win an argument. He would sit picking at his nails until they bled, clenching and unclenching his fists until he would snap and lash out at her to stop.

  My grandma came to visit when I was eighteen. She told me my mum had told her everything about Ryan and me, that he had an unnatural attraction towards me and I needed to leave as what we were up to was wrong. As far as I was concerned Ryan was nothing but my mum’s boyfriend, we had a laugh together, would play cards occasionally, watch a bit of wrestling, and that was it, so I forgot about my grandma’s warning.

  As I was eighteen I was working in a local store in town, and had a steady boyfriend, John, that I had been seeing since I was sixteen.
It was a long-distance relationship as he lived in Derbyshire and I lived in Forest Town. Not too far I admit, but as neither of us drove we only saw each other on a Friday night. He would come over to mine on a Friday evening.

  He was never made welcome. My mum and Ryan made it obvious he was an inconvenience, even resorting to switching off the lights and television, announcing they paid the bills and to get out of their house. We used to retreat to the local pub until he caught the last bus home. John unsurprisingly got sick of this set up, and tried to convince me to move in with him and get a house in Derbyshire, but I knew it wouldn’t work and I was scared to get to close to someone and be let down yet again.

  My next boyfriend my mum loved. I had not been interested in him, he had simply given me a lift home, but the next day he turned up on the doorstep a bottle of wine in each hand. It turned out he made his own wine and had bottles and bottles of it. “Barry, you can come over anytime, Danielle’s always home by five.” So there I was sat on the settee with a guy I had no interest in, my mum smiling like a Cheshire cat and making small talk as long as he kept bringing her the wine.

  “Danielle, have you thought about getting your own place?”

  “No, Mum, why?” She peered over at me from under her wine glass. “Well to be honest it’s time you left.” Ryan was sat watching the television but looked up. “I know what’s going on with you two. You are nothing but a cheap tart, sleeping with your own mum’s boyfriend. Disgusting, disgusting that’s what you are.”

  Ryan jumped to his feet. “What the hell are you on about, woman? Are you mad?”

  Raising to her feet, staggering with the effects of the wine, she began hollering at the top of her voice. “Don’t treat me like a fool, I know, I know evvverything, and I want her out, I want her gone. I can’t stand to even look at her. Get out of my sight before I kill you.” Lunging towards me, I managed to dodge her. Completely mortified by what I had heard, by her sick allegations, I grabbed my coat and fled into the night with no idea where I was going or what I was going to do next.

  35

  Rushing out of the house I could hear my mother raging after me. “You bitch, don’t you dare darken my door again,” as if I ever would after her sickening accusations. It turned my stomach. Ryan was to me an old man, fat and repulsive. I had never thought of him as anything but my mum’s boyfriend.

  My mind was working ten to the dozen as I walked through the darkness, going over how she had spoke to me, and the things she had said. How could she even think that and where had it come from? Again I couldn’t get it out my mind how much I hated her, and that this was it, I was never going back. I was not focusing at all on where I was going, it was as if my legs had taken over my body and were taking me on some kind of mystery journey. Looking down at my feet they were moving at the speed of light as if I was travelling on an airport travelator.

  “Owch.” I was flung back, my head was spinning, in my haste not looking where I was headed I had made full contact with a street light pillar. I reached up and felt my head looking at my hand half expecting blood to be there, but no all I had achieved was a nasty lump the size of an egg.

  Cursing myself for my stupidity, I looked around, I had covered a good few miles and was half way between what was my home and town. I stood there, lost. Where was I meant to be going, I had no real friends apart from work colleagues and I had no idea where any of them lived. Plus if I did, would I be brave enough to just turn up on their doorstep having to explain what had happened? No that wasn’t an option. Sitting on a low wall I tipped out my handbag. I had no idea what was in there but out came a million and one receipts, an old strip of spearmint, a pack of hankies, my house keys and lastly my purse. Sighing thankfully for small mercies, I tipped it out: one pound seventy five pence. Damn, I was in a proper mess.

  I felt the tears stinging my eyes, what was I going to do. I had nowhere to go. I decided to keep heading down town. As I got closer I could hear the late revellers shouting and music coming from the local pubs. I was not dressed for town I was still wearing my work clothes. Damn, work. I had forgotten all about that; I had to be there at nine the next day. I had no idea what time it was and I could not afford not to turn into work. Losing my job on top of everything else was the last thing I needed right now, and my manager would be livid. Damn what a mess.

  Right now, I needed somewhere safe to get my head down for the night. At least it wasn’t raining and it was relatively mild for the time of year. I could hear the squeals and laughter of a couple walking towards me. For some illogical reason I felt fearful and like I needed to escape, hide. I could not face anyone right now. I don’t know if it was the fear of strangers approaching or the fact I loathed myself to the pit of my stomach for the fact that my mum would think I would betray her with her boyfriend, and it was as if anyone who saw me would know, know what I was, or being portrayed to be, and instantly judge me unfairly for it.

  Looking blindly around for an escape like a rabbit caught in the headlights, I could feel my heart racing as if it was going to burst; my palms were clammy and I was sweating uncontrollably. I needed to get away. Turning back around and retracing my steps, this time looking around for any plausable bolt hole, across the road there appeared in the dark to be two large gates. I recognised the place immediately: Carr Bank Park. Running across the road not even checking for any oncoming traffic. The couple appeared to be getting closer and I was feeling physically sick to the point of wretching, running through the park gates I was brought to an instant stand still as the darkness hit me. It was totally black, pitch black, there was not a single light to light my way. I could hear the footsteps of the strangers approaching, even the conversation they were having was within ear shot. I had no choice, I had to walk deeper into the dark. Taking a deep breath I steeled myself to go on, every step was terrifying as I could not see an inch in front of my face, so, walking blindly with my arms outstretched, I took tentative steps. I had been to the park in the past as a child in the daylight, and now was trying to envisage it as I stepped forward, it had been years ago though.

  There was not a sound, not even a bird tweeting or the tree leaves rustling to guide me on my way, just the sheer darkness like a wall of black. I considered turning back I glanced behind but the steps I had taken were gone and it was as dark behind me now as in front. Hesitating, unsure where to turn, or what to do for the best, I tripped, flying forward, landing face down in the dirt. Feeling stupid and embarrassed more than hurt, I pulled myself to my feet. Edging my foot forward I felt something solid in front of me. Reaching out I touched something cold and narrow – what was it? Following the line of the rail I realised where I was: I was walking in a kind of circle it was the park’s bandstand. Continuing round I finally came to the entrance. I vaguely remembered how the bandstand looked in daylight, I knew it had a roof, was made of metal, and was roughly at the centre of the park. Slowly walking onto the bandstand I walked around this time on the inside, touching the sides as I went. I felt safe as I realised the bandstand was totally enclosed by metal on all sides apart from the entrance. From what I could feel it felt like a typical bandstand with open metalwork making up the structure but even though I was still enveloped by the dark it felt safer being enclosed in the smaller space of the bandstand. Knowing there was nowhere else to go, or anyone to turn to, I settled myself down for the night. The floor was cold and felt damp, so I removed my coat and used it as a groundsheet to protect me from the cold floor. Golly, this was going to be one long night. The silence of the park no longer unnerved me; it felt calming and safe. Not knowing what to do or how to comfort myself in such a bizzare situation, I started humming softly to pass the time away.

  I must have drifted off, as a light suddenly startled me awake. It took a few seconds to take in what was happening and where I was, but there was definitely a light moving backwards and forwards as if it was being swung back and forth. Christ. I couldn’t let anyone see
me like this, how humiliating. I shuffled back and curled myself into the tiniest ball humanly possible. There was also singing; whoever had the torch was singing to themselves as they walked through the park. I peeped out and could see the torch being swung back and forth lighting their way, who ever it was had not seen me, they were more focused on getting through the park and home judging by the speed they were going. The light from their torch suddenly hit the front of a building, it was impossible to make it out from the dim light of the torch but there was definitely a building a few yards from where I was hiding. Could someone possibly live there, own a house in the middle of a park? Surely not. I was intrigued, and wanted to investigate but then again I didn’t want to be seen by who ever possibly owned it.

  Deciding it was best to stay put, I settled back down and eventually managed to go back to sleep.

  Yuk, what was that brushing against my face. Something had just walked or crawled across my face, itching my face where the perpetrator had been. I slowly opened my eyes and I was immediately to my feet: there were at least three rats scuttling across the floor as shocked to see me as I was to be disturbed by them. No way can this night get any worse. The night was fading and the outline of the building opposite was now visible. It shone like a beacon as if saying, “Come here I will keep you safe”.

  Thankfully there was no one about as it was still too early so, I tentatively made my way up to the building in front of me. Drawing closer it emerged as a magnificent property, grand in style and appeared old as if it carried a lot of history within its walls. The front door was set back within its structure with a step up to the door. Sitting on the step I surveyed my surroundings. The sun was coming up and the park and grounds looked amazing, a few birds were now showing themselves and the early morning haze was rising from the damp grass. I had no idea what time it was. I was tired, so tired I was using the door as a back rest and I soundly dropped back to sleep.