Witch is How The Dice Fell

by Adele Abbott

  Witch Is How

  The Dice Fell

  Published by Implode Publishing Ltd

  © Implode Publishing Ltd 2019

  The right of Adele Abbott to be identified as the Author of the Work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  All rights reserved, worldwide. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the copyright owner.

  The characters and events in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, dead or alive, is purely coincidental and not intended by the author.

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 1

  It was Monday morning, and Jack had nipped out to the corner shop to pick up a copy of The Bugle for his ten-pin bowling scores. Meanwhile, I was having a staring competition with next door’s cat, Lovely. She was sitting on the fence, glaring at me through the kitchen window. I knew why. She was hoping I’d go outside, so she could bend my ear about Winky; she definitely had the hots for him. Unfortunately for her, Winky didn’t want to know.

  “You’ll never guess what.” Jack was back.

  “You’ve realised that ten-pin bowling is boring, and you’re never going to play it again?”

  “Don’t be silly. We’ve been invited to a party.” He held up a small, white envelope.

  Just hearing the word party had been known to bring me out in hives. “Why is Little Jack throwing a party? Is it to celebrate the launch of his shopping app?”

  “The invitation isn’t from Little Jack. It’s from those new neighbours across the road.”

  “The Normals?”

  “Yeah, they seem like a nice couple. They called me over just now on my way back from the shop.”

  “Couldn’t you have pretended not to hear them?”

  “Why would I do that? They seem nice enough.”

  “Did they mention magnetic fish?”

  “What?”

  “Never mind. What’s the party?”

  “It’s their housewarming party, obviously. It’s on Wednesday night.”

  “You told them we couldn’t make it, right?”

  “Why would I do that? We don’t have anything planned, do we?”

  “No, but they wouldn’t have known that.”

  “It’ll be fun. They said that everyone on the street is going.”

  “That’s precisely what worries me. Do you really want to be in the same house as all of our neighbours? They’re all misfits.”

  “Not all of them.” He grinned that particular grin of his that usually meant he was about to crack a joke. “The Normals seem normal enough.”

  See, what did I tell you? My bad joke detector rarely let me down.

  “Were they wearing matching clothes?”

  “Yes. I thought it was rather sweet. We should do—”

  “Don’t even go there. If you wanted a bookend for a wife, you picked the wrong woman.”

  “I still think the jumpers were nice.”

  “Were they wearing the ones with the Ns on them?”

  “Yes. You should ask Mrs V to knit some for us with an ‘M’ on the front.”

  “I might ask her to knit one for me that says: I’m not with him.” I glanced out of the window. “That cat is doing my head in.”

  “Lovely? What’s wrong with her? She hasn’t been doing her business in our garden, has she?”

  “No, she’s still got the hots for Winky. I think she blames me for keeping the two of them apart.”

  “Why don’t you explain to her that he’s not interested?”

  “I’m not going to waste my time talking to a cat.”

  “Don’t you do that every day at the office?”

  “That’s different. Anyway, talking of crazy neighbours, I haven’t seen Mr Hosey’s tree or bush for a few days.”

  “Maybe he’s invested in a more advanced model that’s impossible to spot?”

  “Hmm, I hadn’t thought of that.” I walked through to the lounge, and studied the neighbourhood foliage. “Nah, I don’t think so.”

  That same grin had returned to Jack’s face. “Maybe he got tired of it and has decided to branch out and do something different.” He laughed—no one else was going to. “Branch out? Get it?”

  “Here’s the thing: If you have to explain it, it isn’t funny.”

  Jack was still laughing at his own joke when there was a knock at the door. It was Tony and Clare, and for once, they were sans costumes.

  “We’re sorry to call so early, Jill, but we wondered if we might have a word with Jack?”

  “Hold on, I’ll just check if his sides have done splitting.” I popped through to the lounge. “It’s the next-door neighbours. The cosplayers not the fitness freaks.”

  “Morning, Tony. Morning, Clare,” Jack said.

  “Sorry to call so early, Jack, but we have exciting news about TenPinCon,” Tony said.

  “Come on through to the lounge.”

  “You can join us if you like, Jill,” Clare said.

  “That’s okay. I’ll just pop the kettle on. Tea okay?”

  Phew! That had been a close call. I had no intention of getting dragged into the whole TenPinCon debacle. Something was bound to go badly wrong, and I didn’t want to be in the same county when it did.

  “Tea is served.” I took the tray full of cups through to the lounge. And being the hostess with the mostest, I even included a plate of biscuits.

  No, of course they weren’t my custard creams. I kept a packet of boring digestives in reserve for occasions like this.

  “The con is going to be in four weeks’ time!” Jack blurted out.

  “What? I thought it was next year.”

  “It was supposed to be,” Tony said. “Washbridge Arena has had a cancellation, and they’ve offered it to us at a massively reduced rate. It was too good to turn down.”

  “Can you get everything organised by then?”

  “We’ll have to. Jack has agreed to take on the marketing for the event, haven’t you?”

  “Yes. It’s going to be quite a challenge, but I’m up for it.”

  “That’s great.” I edged towards the door. “I’ll leave you to it, then. It sounds like you have lots to do.”

  Oh boy! I’d had grave reservations about this madcap idea when I thought they had a whole year to organise it. But now? It didn’t bear thinking about.

  ***

  It was my new office manager’s first day in the job. I’d asked him to come in at nine-thirty, so I could be sure I’d be there before he arrived. I was really quite excited at this new stage of the business’s evolution. As luck would have it, my accountant, Luther Stone, was due to pay me a visit later today; he would no doubt be impressed with my recent initiatives.

  What the—?

  I couldn’t believe it. I’d deliberately set off from the house earlier than usual, so that I’d be there before Alistair arrived, but now I was sitting in a queue of traffic that hadn’t moved for five
minutes.

  When I could stand it no longer, I turned off the engine, got out of the car, and walked to the front of the queue.

  The road was blocked with a temporary barrier, behind which stood two men in high-vis jackets. As far as I could make out, the only thing they were doing was drinking coffee. I wasn’t the only one who’d come to see what was happening. There was a crowd of drivers gathered at the barrier; none of them looked happy.

  “How long are we going to be stuck here?” someone demanded.

  One of the workers shrugged. “It’s out of my hands.”

  “You must have some idea.”

  “It depends how long it takes the surgeon to get here.”

  Surgeon? Had there been an accident of some kind? There was no sign of one.

  I’d had enough of this, so I pushed my way to the front. “Why is the surgeon needed? Is someone injured?”

  Both of the workers laughed.

  “Not that kind of surgeon, love.” The younger of the two smirked. “We’re waiting for a tree surgeon to chop that down.” He pointed to a huge tree, twenty yards down the road.

  “Why do it in the rush hour? Couldn’t you have done it on a Sunday? It’s not like it’s going anywhere, is it?”

  “It was struck by lightning last night, and there’s a danger it might fall across the road.”

  “It looks safe enough to me.”

  “It’s not our call, love. We’re only here to make sure no one goes down this road until it’s been felled.”

  “And you don’t know how long that’s going to be?”

  “Not the faintest.”

  Great!

  That left me with two options. I could sit there like a lemon, waiting for goodness knows how long for someone to come and cut down the tree.

  Or I could introduce a little magic into proceedings.

  The men in high-vis jackets both dropped their coffees when the lightning bolt struck the tree behind them. They turned around just in time to see the tree fall backwards onto the field behind.

  “It looks like the tree’s gone,” I said.

  They were still staring in disbelief at the space where the tree had stood a few seconds earlier.

  “Move the barriers!” someone shouted. “I’ve got work to get to.”

  Clearly still shell-shocked, one of the men took out his phone and made a call, presumably checking with his superiors. After a brief exchange, he nodded to his pal, and the two of them moved the barrier to the side of the road.

  Result! Sometimes, being a witch was really cool.

  ***

  “Morning, Mrs V.”

  “Good morning, Jill. Mr Song rang a couple of minutes ago to say they’d be installing the replacement sign tomorrow.”

  “Thank goodness for that. I’ll be glad to get that stupid sign sorted once and for all.”

  “What time does the new man start?”

  “I told Alistair to be here for nine-thirty.”

  “When he arrives, I’ll ask him what colour clown socks he’d like.”

  “It might be best to let him settle in first.”

  “You’re right. I probably shouldn’t trouble him on his first day by asking about the sponsorship either. I wouldn’t want to scare him away.”

  “Sponsorship?”

  “I thought I’d told you about it last week?”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “The local yarnies are holding their annual charity fundraising event in support of Yarn Aid on Sunday.”

  “Remind me again what Yarn Aid is.”

  “It’s for those yarnies who are injured in the course of their knitting activities.”

  “Does that happen a lot?”

  “You’d be surprised. I have photos of some of the injuries if you’d like to see them.”

  “No, thanks.”

  “Can I interest you in sponsoring me, Jill?”

  “What exactly will you be doing? Is it a sponsored knit-in?”

  “No, we thought we’d have a complete change this year, so we’re holding a sponsored hula hoop.”

  “Hula hoop? But aren’t most of the yarnies rather—err—what I mean is, aren’t most of them senior citizens?”

  “We can still hula hoop.”

  “How does the sponsorship work?”

  “You pledge so much per minute.”

  “Fair enough.” There was no way Mrs V would be able to keep a hula hoop going for more than a few minutes. Ten tops. “Okay, you can sign me up for fifty pence a minute.”

  “Are you sure, dear? That’s a lot of money.”

  “I’m positive.” Even if she managed ten minutes, I’d only be out five pounds. “And you can put Jack down for the same amount.”

  “That’s very generous. There is just one other thing that I’m obliged to tell you: The yarnie who keeps their hula hoop going the longest has their sponsorship minutes doubled. Is fifty-pence still okay?”

  “Yeah, that’s fine. I imagine you’ll have to put some practice in?”

  “I will if I get the chance, but I used to hula hoop when I was a young girl. I imagine it’s much like riding a bike; you never forget how to do it.”

  As soon as I walked into my office, before I’d even had a chance to speak, Winky shushed me.

  He was sitting at my desk, talking to another cat, seated opposite him.

  “Okay, Prof, that sounds like a plan. When shall we meet again?” Winky said.

  “I should have all the calculations finished later today.” The other cat had a scholarly air about him. “How about tomorrow afternoon?”

  “Fine by me. Thanks very much for coming by.”

  “My pleasure, young man. I’ll return tomorrow with my detailed proposal.”

  Once the other cat had disappeared through the window, I hoofed Winky out of my chair. “Who was that?”

  “The Prof.”

  “Professor of what?”

  “Physics with a side of engineering.”

  “Dare I ask what you two are plotting?”

  “You can ask, but I’m sworn to secrecy. All I can say is this little project is likely to make me a lot of money.”

  “How do you keep coming up with all of these schemes of yours?”

  “It just comes naturally to me. You had the chance to take advantage of my skillset. All you had to do was allow me to do my job as head of strategic planning, but oh no, you were too busy fairying around.”

  “I wasn’t fairying around as you put it. I was helping the floral fairies, and I had a lot of other things on my plate too.”

  “Whatever. You had your chance and you blew it.”

  “My new office manager starts today.”

  “That should be a laugh.”

  “Before he gets here, I’m warning you: no funny business.”

  “I can’t help being funny. Unlike you, it comes naturally to me.”

  “I mean no sabotaging the work he’s here to do.”

  “Don’t worry. I have much better things to do with my time.”

  “Like your little project with the professor, you mean? Remind me what that was?”

  “It’s a—” He caught himself just in time. “Oh no you don’t.”

  “I nearly got you there.”

  “The day you catch out Winky, will be the day he retires.”

  “You’re doing it again. Referring to yourself in the third person.”

  “How could you accuse Winky of such a thing?”

  ***

  I thought it would be a nice gesture to greet Alistair at the doors to the office building—that way I could show him around, and introduce him to Mrs V.

  Unfortunately, my timing couldn’t have been worse. The clown school’s first class of the day must have been scheduled to start at around the same time, so when I got outside, there was a crowd of student clowns gathered around the door.

  “Excuse me.” I tried to thread my way through the assembled masses. “Coming through.”

  “Did you
forget we were supposed to come in our costumes today?” said a clown with really bad makeup.

  “I’m not a student.”

  “Sorry. Are you one of the teachers? I didn’t recognise you out of costume. You must be Sneezy.”

  “No. I have nothing to do with Clown. My offices are at the top of the stairs on the opposite side.”

  “The private investigator?”

  “Yeah, that’s me.”

  “That must be really exciting.”

  “So people are always telling me.”

  “If you ever need an undercover clown, I’d be up for it. My name is Seth Ember.”

  “That’s the best clown name I’ve heard so far.”

  “That’s actually my real name. My clown name is Bungles.”

  “Right, of course.”

  “What do you think about me working for you?”

  “I’ll certainly bear you in mind the next time I need an undercover clown. Now, if I could just squeeze past you?”

  When I emerged from the crowd of clowns, I glanced around but there was no sign of Alistair. Then I spotted him—behind me! We must have somehow passed by one another.

  Fantastic!

  By the time I’d managed to fight my way back through the clowns, and into the building, he was just going into my offices.

  Chapter 2

  “Jill, there you are,” Mrs V said. “I thought you’d gone outside to greet this young man.”

  “I did, but I got waylaid by a bunch of clowns. I’m sorry that I missed you, Alistair.”

  “No problem.” He walked over and shook my hand. “It’s great to be here. I was just telling Annabel how impressed I am by the amount of research into my background you must have done.”

  “Sorry? I don’t—”

  “How else could you have known my favourite colour is orange, and my favourite creature is the dolphin.” He pointed to his tie, which was orange with a picture of a dolphin on it. “How you managed to find a desk that combined both of those is nothing short of remarkable.”

  “Nothing is too good for my employees.”

  “When you interviewed me, you didn’t tell me the most exciting aspect of this job.”

  “I didn’t?”