Witch is How The Dice Fell

by Adele Abbott

  Strong words indeed, but who was this woman known as Griselda The Vile, and what had she done to deserve such contempt? Inspired by my find, I ploughed through the remaining journals in case there was more information to be found on the woman in the unmarked grave, but there was nothing.

  ***

  When Jack arrived home, he was weighed down with books.

  “Have you joined the library?” I took a few from him before he dropped them.

  “These are your tortoise’s poems.”

  “They’ve made a really good job of them. They look great.”

  “They should do. They cost an arm and a leg.”

  “Don’t worry. Rhymes will repay you.”

  “When?”

  “I’ll drop them off later on my way to the circus.”

  “Oh, and this came with them.” He handed me a sheet of paper.

  “What’s this? A competition?”

  “Yeah. Apparently, everyone who has a poetry book published by that company is automatically entered into the competition. There’s a trophy up for grabs, apparently. Let’s just hope he doesn’t win. That could prove to be a little awkward.”

  “You’ve read his poems. I don’t think there’s any chance of that.”

  “By the way, Jill, did you see the Normals’ hedge?”

  “I did.” I laughed. “I’ve never seen anything quite like it.”

  “They may be a little strange, but the man certainly has talent.”

  “I assume that’s a joke?”

  “No. Those three dolphins are amazing.”

  “Those three dolphins are a lion, a unicorn and a bear.”

  “No, they’re not. They’re clearly dolphins.”

  “Naomi called me over to look at them, and I’m telling you, they’re supposed to be a lion, a unicorn and a bear. They’re from the Normals’ coat of arms.”

  “They have a coat of arms?”

  “They certainly do. And their motto is normalis semper.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “I believe a rough translation is: Nutjobs are us.”

  “That’s not very nice.”

  “Accurate, though.”

  “I’d kill for a cup of coffee.”

  “Me too. Thanks for offering.”

  We went through to the kitchen where the journals were still on the table.

  “Haven’t you finished with these dusty old things yet?”

  “Yeah, just now. I’ve found what I was looking for.”

  “You’ve found out who the grave belongs to?”

  As he made coffee and I put away the journals, I told Jack what I knew about Griselda The Vile.

  “What do you think she did to be so reviled?”

  “I’ve no idea, but I intend to find out.”

  “How do you plan to do that?”

  “Now that I have a name, I can make some enquiries at Candlefield library.”

  “Will their records go back that far?”

  “I won’t know until I ask.”

  ***

  “Enjoy the circus.” Jack passed me Rhymes’ poetry books, which he’d put into a spare cardboard box. “And make sure you get that tortoise to shell out for these.” He laughed. “Shell out? Get it?”

  “That’s awful.”

  “Your problem is that you don’t recognise comedy genius when you hear it.”

  “Hmm. I suppose I’d better get going. I’ll see you in a few minutes.” I gave him a kiss and then magicked myself over to Candlefield.

  “What do you have there, Jill?” Aunt Lucy was in her glad rags.

  “They’re Rhymes’ poetry books.”

  “Oh good. He’s been so looking forward to getting those.”

  “What time are the twins coming?”

  “If they’re punctual, they should be here in five minutes.”

  “So about a quarter of an hour, then?”

  “If we’re lucky.”

  “I’ll take these books up to Rhymes.”

  “Jill!” Barry came charging over to greet me, and almost knocked the box of books out of my hands. “Are we going for a walk?”

  “No. You’ve already had your walks today. I’m going to the circus with Aunt Lucy and the twins.”

  “What’s a circus?”

  “It’s err—a big tent.”

  “That sounds boring.”

  “It is, but I have to go.”

  “That’s okay. I’m busy working on my drawings, anyway.”

  “You’re still at it, then? I thought you might have got fed up by now.”

  “No, I love it. Dolly is still trying to arrange an exhibition for me.”

  “Right. You mustn’t build your hopes up too high. Exhibitions aren’t easy to organise.”

  “But Dolly promised.”

  “Right.” That woman had better know what she was doing. If she let him down now, he would be inconsolable. “Where’s Rhymes?”

  “He’s asleep under the bed. He’s been there for ages.”

  Oh no! Please don’t let him be hibernating. I crouched down, and peeped under the bed. “Rhymes? Are you awake?”

  Thankfully, he was only sleeping. One yawn and a stretch later, he crawled out. “Hello, Jill. I didn’t realise you were—” That’s when he spotted the box. “Is that? Are those?”

  “Your books? Yes.”

  “Show me! Please!” I passed him one, and he flicked through it. “I love it! Thank you so much, Jill!”

  “No problem.”

  “Take one for yourself.”

  “Err, right. Thanks.”

  “I’m going to give them to all of my friends. They’ll be so proud of me.”

  “And so they should be.”

  “Jill is going to the circus,” Barry said.

  “What’s a circus?” Rhymes looked up from the book.

  “Jill says it’s a big tent.”

  “Oh? That doesn’t sound very interesting.”

  “I’d better get going.” I stood up. “There’s just the question of the money.”

  “What is money?”

  I thought at first Rhymes was joking; tortoises can be such kidders, but it soon became obvious that he had no idea what I was talking about.

  Oh bum!

  When I got back downstairs, the twins had arrived.

  “We hear you’ve had Rhymes’ poetry published.” Pearl grinned.

  “Did you shell-f-publish it?” Amber quipped.

  The twins and Aunt Lucy all dissolved into laughter.

  “Very funny. Rhymes doesn’t have any money to pay for them.”

  “What did you expect?” Pearl wiped a tear from her eye. “Why would a tortoise have any money?”

  “It’s just that—err, Winky is rolling in it.”

  “It looks like someone is out of pocket,” Amber said.

  “Yeah. Jack. I don’t think he’s going to be too impressed when I tell him.”

  ***

  The big top was in Candlefield Park, and judging by the huge queues, it was very popular.

  “Oh no. Look at all those people.” I did my best to sound disappointed. “We’ll never get in. We’d better go back home.”

  As I tried to turn back, Amber grabbed my arm. “We already have our tickets.”

  “Oh? That’s great.”

  Fifteen minutes later, we’d taken our seats inside the huge tent.

  “These are brilliant seats,” Pearl said.

  We were a bit too close to the front for my liking, but at least I didn’t have to worry about stupid clowns.

  “Ladies and Gentlemen.” The ringmaster’s uniform was green rather than the more familiar red. “Welcome to Circus Fantastico. Before we begin, I have some exciting news. You may have read in the press that we recently lost our clown troupe. I’m very pleased to tell you that we have now signed a new troupe who’ll be making their debut this evening.” The crowd roared their approval—all except me, of course. “Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to Clow
ns Cyclopper!”

  Everyone got to their feet and cheered.

  “What kind of name is cyclopper?” I said to Aunt Lucy.

  “Haven’t you heard of them?”

  “No, should I have?”

  “The cycloppers are one of the rarer sups. They live mainly in the countryside, and usually keep themselves to themselves. I’m surprised that some of them have chosen to form a clown troupe.”

  Just then, the clowns came tumbling into the arena. Now, as far as I’m concerned, all clowns are freaky, but these guys really took the biscuit. The cycloppers had only one eye, in the centre of their faces. They also had only one leg.

  The head cyclopper took the mic. “Thank you for that warm welcome! We’re so very pleased to be here with you tonight. Clowns Cyclopper is a brand new troupe; this is our very first show. In fact, we very nearly didn’t make it tonight because our shoes, which have to be specially ordered, didn’t arrive in time. But, luckily, we were able to make alternative arrangements, so here we are. We hope you have fun!”

  Ten minutes into their act, and the crowd were lapping it up.

  “They’re great, aren’t they, Jill?” Amber gushed.

  “Yeah. Fantastic.”

  “She’s terrified of them.” Pearl laughed.

  “No, I’m not.” If they came any closer, I was out of there.

  Just then, a freaky clown jumped onto one of the bales of hay that edged the ring.

  “He’s coming to get you!” Pearl screamed at me.

  By rights, I should have been terrified, but I was too busy staring at his foot. All of the cycloppers were wearing a single clown’s shoe, and I had a feeling I knew where they’d got them from.

  ***

  Two hours, and what felt like several lifetimes later, the show finally drew to an end.

  “That was fantastic,” Amber said once we were outside.

  “I thoroughly enjoyed it.” Aunt Lucy turned to me. “What about you, Jill?”

  “It was great.”

  “Do you want to come back to the house for a cuppa before you go home?”

  “Err, no thanks. I’m going to get back.”

  “Don’t have nightmares about the clowns,” Pearl said.

  “Very funny. I’ll catch you all later.”

  Instead of going home, I magicked myself to the rear of the big top where the artistes had their caravans and mobile homes. Fortunately, no one questioned my presence, so I was able to search for the cycloppers without interference. A few minutes later, I came across several caravans with the name Clowns Cyclopper screen-printed on the side. The caravans were parked in a circle, and in the centre, a small bonfire had been lit. The clowns, who were still wearing their ridiculous costumes, were all gathered around the fire, eating, drinking and no doubt celebrating their successful debut.

  Little did they know that I was about to rain on their parade.

  “Hey! You lot!” I walked over to the bonfire. “I have a bone to pick with you cycloppers!”

  “Who are you?” The head cyclopper, who had spoken in the ring earlier, shouted at me.

  “My name isn’t important. What is important is that you have stolen property from the human world, and I intend to report you to the rogue retrievers.”

  “How dare you?” Another cyclopper shouted.

  “Yeah, what right have you to call us thieves?”

  “Don’t come the innocent with me. You said yourself that your shoes didn’t arrive on time, and that you’d had to make alternative arrangements.”

  “That’s right. We did.”

  “You stole those shoes from the human world.”

  “What? Are you crazy?”

  “The game’s up. You may as well accept it.”

  “We paid good money for our shoes, and I’ll prove it. Wait there!” He disappeared into one of the caravans, and moments later, came back with a large box full of shoes. “See! We had no choice but to buy pairs of shoes even though we’ll only ever use one from each pair. I can show you the receipts if you like.”

  And that’s when I noticed that they were all wearing left-footed shoes. The ones in the box were all right-footed.

  Oh bum and treble bum!

  “Right.” I started to edge slowly away from the fire. “You’ll be pleased to know that you’ve all passed the test. Congratulations.”

  “What are you talking about? What test?”

  “I’m from the CCIA.”

  “The CIA?”

  “No. It’s CCIA. It stands for the Candlefield Circus Inspection Authority. We have to satisfy ourselves that all clowns are not only able to make people laugh, but that they’re also able to take a joke. I’m very pleased to confirm that you’ve passed with flying colours. Thanks very much for your time. Goodnight.”

  And with that, I fled.

  Chapter 24

  “Did Rhymes say when I’d get my money?” Jack asked the next morning.

  “I told you last night; he’ll draw out the cash the next time he goes to the bank.”

  “Do tortoises have banks?”

  “Apparently.”

  “I hope he doesn’t stiff me. I’m already short because of the money you cost me on the hula hoop sponsorship.”

  “Rhymes wouldn’t do that. He’s a good little guy.”

  “Do your Aunt Lucy and the twins know you made a fool of yourself with the clowns last night?”

  “First, I didn’t make a fool of myself. It was a simple mistake that anyone could have made. And no, the twins and Aunt Lucy weren’t with me when I confronted the clowns.”

  “Where does that leave you with the mystery of the missing clown shoes?”

  “Back at shoe one. I’ll probably have to tell Jimmy and Kimmy I can’t help them.”

  “Oh well. Win some, lose some. It’ll soon be weekend. I’m really looking forward to seeing the TenPinCon promo that your grandmother is organising, aren’t you?”

  “Yeah, it’s the favour that I was forced to promise her that worries me.”

  “She’ll probably have forgotten all about that.”

  “There’s no chance of that. She never forgets anything.”

  ***

  Macabre’s maintenance man arrived at the office building at the same time as I did.

  “Back again?” I said.

  “Yeah. No rest for the wicked.”

  “Has Mr Macabre asked you to do any work in my office?”

  “No. Just in the common areas, and in the offices of that new clown place.”

  “Right.”

  That didn’t seem fair. There was work that needed doing in my offices too. Maybe I’d have a word with Macabre.

  When I pushed open the door to the outer office, it hit something, and there was a loud yell.

  “Ouch!”

  Alistair was holding his bloody nose.

  “Are you okay?” I’d had no idea he was standing right behind the door, which had hit him full in the face.

  “Here!” Mrs V hurried around her desk with a box of tissues.

  I grabbed his chair. “Sit down. I’m really sorry. I had no idea you were behind the door.”

  “It’s okay.” He pressed a handful of tissues against his nose to stem the blood.

  “He’ll be okay,” Mrs V assured me. “I’ll see to him.”

  “Okay. I really am very sorry.”

  Poor old Alistair. Still, it might stop him picking his nose.

  What? It was a joke. Sheesh.

  “I know doliphant boy is pretty useless,” Winky said. “But that was brutal.”

  “It was an accident. And how do you even know what happened? Do you have x-ray vision?”

  “Winky is all-seeing and all-knowing.”

  “What have I told you about referring to yourself in the third person?”

  “Sorry. Winky won’t do it again.” He laughed.

  ***

  Daze popped into the office just before eleven o’clock.

  “I hoped I might catch you, J
ill.”

  “You were lucky. My feet have barely touched the ground this week.” I ignored Winky who was rolling his eyes at me.

  “What happened to that office manager of yours? It looks like someone has punched him in the face.”

  “Alistair? He walked into a door.” Cue more eye-rolling from Winky.

  “Poor guy. I came over because I promised to get back to you when I’d had the chance to check on that casino owner.”

  “Ringstone.”

  “He may call himself that now, but as I suspected, his real name is Norville Stonering.”

  “Are you saying it’s the same guy who’s already wanted back in Candlefield?”

  “There’s no doubt about it.”

  “I suppose that means he’ll end up behind bars, even if it isn’t in the human world. It’s just a pity my client will never know.”

  “Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. There may be a way for your client to see Ringstone, Stonering or whatever he calls himself, brought to justice here in the human world.”

  “Oh? How’s that?”

  She went on to outline her thought process.

  “Thanks, Daze, that’s a brilliant idea.”

  “Do you think you’ll be able to pull it off, Jill?”

  “I hope so for my client’s sake. I’ll keep you posted.”

  ***

  It stuck in my craw that Macabre was sorting out all of Jimmy and Kimmy’s little snags, but hadn’t asked his maintenance man to attend to any of the issues in my offices. What exactly was I paying him the service charge for?

  I gave him a call.

  “Mr Macabre? It’s Jill Maxwell. No, I haven’t forgotten about the sign. Yes, I do know it has to be sorted by end of business tomorrow, but that’s not why I called. I want to know why your maintenance man isn’t going to do any repairs in my office. I have a few things that need—” That was as far as I got because what he told me next stopped me dead in my tracks. “Right. Sorry to have troubled you, Mr Macabre. Yes, I’ll make sure the sign is sorted. Bye.”