“She is worth it. I can’t imagine my life without her.”
Chapter Fourteen
Fannie woke in near-total darkness. It took her a long moment to realize where she was. A faint light showed through the blinds covering a window beside her bed. The pain in her back was a dull ache. She lay still, not wanting to rouse it, and rubbed her sleep-blurry eyes with the heels of her hands. The hard collar was gone from her neck, but another brace encased her body from her chest to her hips. It was a pointed reminder of her foolishness and of God’s mercy.
She had hurt a great many people with her bullheaded determination. Connie had invested her slim resources in Fannie’s plan because Fannie convinced her she could make it work. She had lied to her parents and to Noah’s family. She had turned her back on her responsibility to her grandparents, sending Betsy to care for them instead. When had horses become more important than her family? More important than her faith?
Shame sent her spirits lower. “I have learned my lesson, Lord,” she whispered into the darkness.
Her path forward was clear now. She would beg the forgiveness of those she had wronged. She would strive to undo the hurt she had caused and humbly accept the physical burden of pain God had visited on her. But the pain in her body was nothing compared to the pain in her heart.
She loved Noah. Loved him enough to know that she was the wrong woman for him. He deserved someone better. She was barely trustworthy. She wasn’t humble or meek of spirit. She was prideful and arrogant. Instead of turning to God for help, she had assumed she could supply the answers and win the day by herself. Noah did, indeed, deserve a better woman, and she would make sure she never hurt him again.
* * *
It was almost noon the next day when Noah returned to the hospital. He wanted to see Fannie alone. He needed to tell her how much he loved her.
The door to her room was open. He stopped just outside. Connie, Zoe and all the girls from the team were gathered around Fannie’s bed.
“The girls don’t think they can do this without you, Fannie. You’re the leader,” Connie said.
“I’m a poor leader. My actions yesterday were childish and irresponsible. I don’t think you can do this without me. I know you can do it. Zoe, you have the routine down as well as I do and you’re a better rider. If you don’t mind dressing plain, Zoe, you will be a wunderbar addition to The Amish Girls.”
“You want me to wear a bonnet? Isn’t that against the rules or something?”
“I will loan you one of my kapps,” Abbie said.
“You can wear one of my dresses over your riding clothes. No one will know you aren’t Amish,” Laura said with a giggle.
Zoe glanced around the room. “I don’t feel right about pretending to be Amish.”
Fannie reached toward her and took her hand. “You’re right, Zoe. You should never pretend to be something you aren’t.”
Abbie put an arm around her friend. “My mamm can make you a shirt out of the same material as our pink dresses. You can wear a white kerchief over your hair. That way you’ll still match us, but folks will know you’re Englisch.”
Connie leaned down to her daughter. “Is that acceptable?”
“It sure is.” Zoe nodded vigorously, clearly happy to be part of the group.
Fannie smiled at them. “I’m sorry I won’t be there to help you practice. Susan, I want you to take over as the group leader. Timothy says he can supervise you six days a week, if that’s what it will take.”
“We won’t let you down,” Susan promised. The other girls all agreed.
“I know you will do your best. That’s all anyone can do. Getting frustrated and angry won’t help.” She rapped on the brace encasing her upper body. “I know. I tried it and look where it got me. Ask Gott for help as often as you need it. He is listening.”
“Why was Gott so unfair to you?” Pamela asked, a catch in her voice.
Fannie reached out to cup the child’s face. “We can’t know why bad things happen, but Gott has a reason. I believe He had a lesson for me to learn. My biggest mistake was not putting Gott first in my life. I didn’t pray for guidance when I told Connie my idea for a drill team, not even when new problems arose. I thought I had to do it myself. I had to make it work. Worst of all, I didn’t give thanks for you, my friends. I have been greatly blessed and I failed to be grateful.” Her voice trembled and tears filled her eyes.
Connie laid her hand over Fannie’s. “We should go, honey. You need your rest.”
“How is Trinket?” Fannie asked quickly, wiping her cheek with the back of her hand.
“Trinket is recovering nicely. Fortunately, she didn’t sustain any broken bones, just some deep cuts and bad bruises. Don’t worry about her. We are taking good care of her, aren’t we girls?”
“Very goot care,” Zoe said in a bad Amish accent.
Noah stepped back as the girls left Fannie’s room and thanked them for coming. They were being brave for Fannie’s benefit, but he could see how upset they were.
Connie stayed beside him as the girls walked on. “I know she has been through a lot, but I’m worried about her. Keep an eye on her, will you?”
“She sounded fine to me.”
Connie didn’t look convinced. “I agree she said all the right things, but the fire in her eyes is missing.”
“Don’t fret. Fannie is a strong woman. She will bounce back from this.”
“I hope you’re right.”
He dismissed her worry and opened the door to Fannie’s room. “May I come in?”
“Hello, Noah.” She smiled at him, but it didn’t reach her eyes. She looked down at her hands clasped together on her brace.
“I’m glad to see you looking better. You gave me a terrible fright.”
“I’m sorry for that.” Why wouldn’t she look at him?
He pulled a chair up beside her bed. “Fannie, I want to talk to you about us.”
“It’s a relief to stop pretending, isn’t it? I feel like I’ve had a boulder lifted off my chest.”
“That’s just it. I’m not pretending any more, Fannie. I’m in love with you.”
She looked at him then, with sadness in her eyes. “I’ve come to care for you, too, Noah, but not in that way. I care for you as a friend. I always will, but we must go our separate ways now.”
“Nee.” Noah couldn’t believe what he was hearing. His heart sank at the blankness of her expression.
* * *
Fannie saw the confusion on Noah’s face and hardened her heart against comforting him. She had done him a great disservice. He thought he was in love with her, but it was only pity and he would realize that soon enough. He deserved a better woman than she could ever be. “You aren’t responsible for what happened, Noah. This was Gott’s will.”
He shook his head. “I kissed you, Fannie, and you kissed me back. That wasn’t the kiss of a friend.”
“I’m sorry, Noah. I never intended to hurt you. I wanted our courtship to become real. Every time someone mentioned it, I was ashamed of what I had done. I was ashamed of making you a party to my deception.”
“We started out together for the wrong reasons, but that doesn’t matter now. I love you, Fannie. Nothing you say will change that.”
“Then I have done you an even greater disservice than I imagined. Please forgive me.”
He scooted his chair back. “You’re tired. You’re in pain. I should have waited until you were feeling better before I said anything.”
“Please leave, Noah.” She looked out the window.
“We can talk about this later. Don’t shut me out, Fannie,” he pleaded.
“When I’m recovered enough to travel, I’ll be going to Florida and Betsy will be returning. I have neglected my duty to my grandparents. I see that now.”
&nbs
p; “What about Trinket? What about your friends?”
She stared at her clenched fingers. “My father will take care of my horse. I have caused Connie enough trouble. The Amish Girls will ride without me and they will be fine.”
“What about me, Fannie? How can I be fine if you can’t even look at me?”
She forced herself to smile at him. “You had a purpose for joining me in our false courtship. That purpose still exists. Gott has given me an answer to my prayers. I accept it, even if it isn’t the answer I wanted. I will take my vows when I return from Florida. You must find Gott’s answer for your life. Go to the state tournament and use the gift He has given you. To do less than your best would be wrong. If it is His will that you leave us and play professional ball, He will tell you.”
“And if it is His will that I come home?”
“Either way, I will be happy for you, Noah. I will always be your friend.”
“Fannie, I don’t understand. I have come to know you and admire you, and I thought you returned my feelings.”
“I admire your kindness. I admire many things about you, Noah, but I’m not the woman you need.”
“I will be the judge of that.”
He wasn’t leaving. If he didn’t go, she would break down and tell him she loved him. She closed her eyes. “After prayerful consideration, I realize you are not the man for me. I’m sorry. I’m very tired. Please go now.” She turned her face toward the window, unwilling to watch him walk out of her life. When she heard the door close, tears streamed down her cheeks.
“Goodbye, Noah. I love you, too,” she whispered.
* * *
Eric Swanson had been kind enough to take Noah to the hospital and then home. Noah didn’t share any of his conversation with Fannie on the ride, but he was sure Eric knew he was upset. When they reached the farm, Noah stepped out of the car and looked back at him. “Would you like to come in?”
“Another time. Are you okay?”
“We’ll see.”
“Hang in there. She’s going to be fine.”
Noah nodded. Fannie was going to be fine, but he wasn’t.
He found his mother in the kitchen when he entered the house. He had confessed his part in Fannie’s fake courtship to his parents the night before. They had been shocked and dismayed by his behavior, but they forgave him and listened to the whole story without harsh judgment.
His mother pulled a pan of cinnamon rolls from the oven. Setting them on the table, she looked at him. “How is she?”
“She’s okay.” He took a seat at the table.
“And how are you?”
He raked his hands through his hair. “I don’t know. I love her, but she says she doesn’t love me. Where does that leave me?”
“Fannie has had a terrible experience, Noah. Give her time to heal. She will see things more clearly in time.”
“I hope you are right.” He pulled off a piece of cinnamon bun and popped it into his mouth. It burned, but he welcomed the pain. It took his mind off the ache in his heart.
His mother moved the pan away from him. “You never could wait for the frosting.”
“I like them plain.” He watched her make her glaze from powdered sugar, butter, vanilla and hot water.
“I like mine sweet and gooey.” She stirred the mixture rapidly.
“Mamm, what would you do if I didn’t join the church?”
“I’d never make you cinnamon rolls again,” she said, without missing a stroke.
“I’m serious.”
She stopped stirring to stare at him with deep concern in her eyes. “Are you actually considering this?”
“Maybe. I’m not sure.”
She set her bowl down and took a seat across from him. “I would be brokenhearted, but I would accept your decision if that is what Gott wills for you. We must each serve Him in our own way.”
He gave vent to his frustration. “How can I tell what His will is? I’m waiting for a sign, something to tell me what He wants from me. Am I to be a baseball player or a farmer? English or Amish? How do I know?”
Her expression softened. “My son, our Lord has given his children a great and terrible gift. The gift of free will. We get to choose our path. When we seek direction in our lives, we must pray for Gott’s guidance. But don’t expect Him to put up a billboard that says This Way, Noah.”
“It would sure be easier if He did.”
She leaned forward and placed her hand on his chest. “Gott’s answer comes here, not to our eyes or our ears. Listen with your heart and you shall know His will.”
Leaning back, she took up her bowl and spread some of the icing over a bun. She pulled it from the pan and broke it in two, offering Noah half. He took it and bit into the sweet, warm bread. “It’s goot. Danki.”
“I learned a long time ago that goot advice goes down more easily with goot food. Have I helped you?”
He licked his fingers and nodded. His heart told him Fannie was the only one for him. He hadn’t known that right away, but gradually he’d come to realize how much he loved her. Perhaps that was the way God would make known the path he was to choose.
* * *
“Noah is here to see you, Fannie.” Her mother stood in the doorway to Fannie’s room. Fannie sat in a rocker in the corner of her bedroom, looking out the window. She had been home for a week. Each day Noah had come to visit and each day she had sent him away, but it was becoming harder to do. She missed him so much.
“I don’t want to see him. Tell him to stop coming.” It hurt to say those words, but a clean break would be better for both of them instead of this painfully drawn-out process.
“As you wish.” Her mother closed the door leaving Fannie alone. She blinked back tears and refused to let them fall.
Her door opened again, but it was her father this time. He stood staring at her with his arms crossed over his chest. “Aren’t you done feeling sorry for yourself yet?”
She turned her face away. “I’m not feeling sorry for myself. My back aches, and I don’t want company.”
“Well, you are going to have my company until you agree to leave this room.”
“I won’t see him.”
“He’s not here. He and his team are on their way to Columbus. He left with his tail tucked between his legs like a scolded dog. Shame on you for treating him so. The boy is in love with you.”
“He’ll get over it, and he’ll find someone better.”
“Do you mean to say my daughter isn’t good enough for him?”
“Nee, I’m not,” she answered in a small voice, wishing her father would go away.
He came across the room and sat on the edge of her bed. “I can see that for myself. Noah deserves a woman with spunk. He needs a sassy gal to make him laugh and show him how wonderful love can be. He doesn’t need a damp dishcloth of a woman like you.”
“I’m not a damp dishcloth,” she snapped back.
“Then stop acting like one. You made some mistakes. Welcome to life. We all make mistakes. Don’t compound them by making things worse. That boy loves you. If we can forgive you, why can’t you forgive yourself?”
“I don’t deserve him.”
“I see now. Your pride is getting in the way.” He spread his arms wide. “Your sins are too great to be forgiven. Woe to Fannie Erb. Her heart is black as night. No one may love her.”
“Don’t make fun of me.” He was beginning to annoy her.
“Someone should. Poor little Fannie fell off her horse and hurt her back. She can’t ride, she can barely walk and she can’t be nice to people who care about her. I love you, child, but I am more ashamed of you now than I have ever been in my life.”
“What do you want me to do?” she shouted, then covered her mouth with her hand.
&nbs
p; He stood. “The Horse Expo is the day after tomorrow and you are going. The doctor says you can travel.”
She bit her lip. “They don’t need me there.”
He shook his head. “This isn’t about you. It’s about them. They want you there, Fannie. Doing something for someone else is the first step in your recovery. What do you say?”
He was right. It wasn’t about her. Not anymore. She nodded. “They deserve my support. I’ll go.”
Her father came and took her face between his strong, calloused hands. “Goot. Noah deserves your support, too, Fannie. He’s hurting. He doesn’t deserve someone better. Do you know what he does deserve?”
“What?” Tears slipped from the corners of her eyes.
“Someone who loves him as much as you do.” Her father kissed her forehead and left her room.
Fannie wiped her damp cheeks. Her father was right. She still hadn’t learned her lesson. Instead of praying for God’s guidance, she had assumed she knew best and had pushed Noah away. He had gone to his tournament and he might never come back. She bowed her head. “I’m sorry, Lord. I accept Your forgiveness and I pray it is not too late for me to tell Noah how much I love him. Please bring him back to us.”
Chapter Fifteen
Noah stood lined up with his teammates in front of their dugout on the first baseline. The stadium wasn’t full, but it held more people that he’d played in front of in his entire life.
“Don’t be nervous. Keep your mind on the game,” Walter said, a trickle of sweat slipping down his temple.
“I’m not the one who is nervous.” Noah wasn’t. There wasn’t anything at stake for him. He scuffed the white chalk line with the toe of his cleats. If a minor-or major-league ball team recruited him, fine. There was little reason to go home. Fannie wouldn’t even see him. How could he live across the road from her knowing she didn’t want him when he loved her more with every breath he took?
“How is she?” Walter asked, looking his way.
Noah knew he was referring to Fannie. Everyone on the team had heard about the accident. “Home and mending, my mother tells me. Her drill team is performing at the Horse Expo across town tonight. I plan to get over there after our game and watch them. It’s the least I can do.”
Their Pretend Amish Courtship Page 17
