Abandon

by Cassia Leo

  know you’re gonna be there when it happens.”

  She smiles weakly and grabs my hand. “I’m just so scared of leaving you all behind. The thought of leaving behind one more person …”

  “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  “I know,” she replies quickly as she leans forward and stares at the surface of the table. “I think the depression is setting in. The doctor said it would come soon and to prepare myself for it, but I don’t even know how to be prepared for this.” She squeezes her eyes shut and I reach forward to grab her hand. “It just hit me so hard. I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself any more. My mind just goes in circles all day and I find myself in a different room of the house, not sure how or why I’m there.”

  I’ve never seen Grandma Flo like this. It kills me to think that the last months of her life will be spent worrying about the people she’s leaving behind.

  “I’m going to take care of Molly and the baby. Don’t you worry about them.”

  “And the girl?”

  “Who?”

  “I know you never bring girls here any more, but I’d like to meet the girl who’s going to be the mother of my great-grandchild. I’d like to think you’re going to take care of her, too.” She fixes me with a stern look and I can’t help but smile.

  “You’ve already met her.” She looks surprised, so I continue before she can question me. “It’s Senia, Claire’s best friend. She came over a few years ago for Molly’s birthday.”

  “I don’t remember her.”

  “Well, when you meet her again you’ll never forget her.”

  She pulls my hand to her chest and hugs it as if it’s a precious gift. “Thank you for coming here to tell me. When are you bringing her over?”

  “Actually, she was here last week while you were asleep.” I take a deep breath and brace myself for the inevitable regret that will come from speaking the words I’m about to say. “But she’s moving in with me next weekend. Do you think you might want to come over with Molly?”

  “To … to your house?”

  I get a sharp pain in my chest at the sight of her uncertainty. I wish I didn’t have to keep my address a secret from Grandma and Molly – they’re just too easily influenced by Elaine. But I can’t keep being so cautious. I need to show Grandma and Moon that I trust them.

  “Yeah, to my house. Senia or I will pick you both up next Saturday. Is that okay?”

  “Is that okay? Oh, Tristan, that is not just okay. Those are the most beautiful words I’ve heard in months. I can’t wait to see your house. I’m …” She pauses to collect herself. “I’m so proud of you. You know that, don’t you? Everything you’ve done this year. You’ve made me so proud. And now this … You’ve made me the happiest old woman in the world.”

  I smile as I realize that this news has done exactly what I wanted it to do. It’s given Grandma a small thread of hope that she can hold onto for the next few months. I only hope that Molly will feel the same way.

  I arrive at the pub at 7.15 p.m., just as Link is setting out two frosty pints of beer in front of Chris. As usual, Chris is sitting in the last seat at the end of the bar. When he sees me, he throws me a curt nod. He’s still not over what happened at the pancake house.

  “Hey, man,” I mutter as I take a seat next to him. “Is this Pliny?”

  “What else would it be?”

  We sit in silence for probably five minutes, but it feels like an hour. I don’t know if there’s anything I can say to Chris that would make this situation less awkward. Then he says something that makes me feel even more awful.

  “They blew us off. There won’t be an open adoption. We got the letter this morning.”

  “Fuck. I’m sorry, man. I don’t know what to say. I thought that telling you about … about Senia was the right thing to do. I fucked up.”

  “Why? It’s not like…”

  I have a feeling he was about to say, It’s not like you can keep the pregnancy a secret. We all know that’s not true. Chris and Claire are living proof of what happens when you hide a pregnancy.

  “It doesn’t matter,” Chris continues, then takes a long swig of his beer. “It’s over. Abigail isn’t going to know us. But it’s just the beginning for you two. Don’t do what I did. Don’t fuck it up.”

  I stare at the rising bubbles in my glass as I try to absorb these words. “I won’t.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Senia

  I can’t believe I’m moving off-campus … for a guy! What have I become? Eddie asked me to move in with him at least a dozen times over the summer and I never caved. Just once was all it took from Tristan’s oh-so-suckable lips and now I’m glancing around my cleaned-out dorm room to see if I’ve forgotten anything. There is no hope for me.

  I throw an almost-empty bottle of pear-scented hand lotion into the waste bin then I sit on the edge of my bed and lie back to stare at the ceiling. Claire walks in and smiles as she catches me rubbing my belly, but I can see the months of regret etched in that smile as well as the weariness from this past week she’s spent grieving the loss of Abigail.

  “Tristan and Chris should be done unloading everything in an hour. Want to grab a bite to eat on the way there? You must be hungry after all that packing.”

  I want to tell her it’s not fair that I get to have a baby just as she and Chris have lost theirs, but I don’t want to slow any progress she’s made since she received the news on Sunday. The open adoption they had their hearts set on is not going to happen. They will never have a chance to know the daughter Claire gave up for adoption in April unless, by some merciful twist of fate, the adoptive parents change their minds or their daughter decides to track them down when she turns eighteen. I can’t even imagine what it must feel like to lose a child whose body you’ve snuggled in your arms, whose name you’ve whispered in your sleep.

  “How about we just lie here and talk about boys? For old time’s sake.”

  She lies down next to me and I hook my arm in hers as we stare at the ceiling and talk about everything we’ve been too busy to talk about for the past few weeks. She gives me all the gritty details about the first night she spent with Chris a couple of weeks ago and I tell her about the brief, yet satisfying, conversation I had with Eddie a few days ago where I told him to “Delete my number from your phone and try to slam your tiny cock in a heavy door.” When the conversation runs thin, we head over to Tristan’s house in Cary – my home in Cary.

  Chris and Claire don’t hang around because she has too much studying to do, and I don’t know why Chris thinks this is so funny, so we say our goodbyes out on the curved driveway then I head back into the house. I find Tristan upstairs, ripping the tape off my moving boxes.

  “Are you going to unpack my things, too?” I ask as I take a seat on the low platform bed in this guest room. Tristan’s house has five bedrooms and eight bathrooms. That’s just ridiculous.

  He glances at me over his shoulder as I lie back and his gaze slides over me, pausing a bit too long at my chest. “Which box has the stuff from your goodie drawer?”

  I laugh and the sly grin on his face makes my heart stutter. “There’ll be none of that,” I say, grabbing a fluffy white pillow and hugging it to hide my chest. “I need to unpack and study. Get out of here.”

  “Don’t you want to shower?”

  For a moment, I can’t breathe as I imagine Tristan naked and dripping wet. I shake my head to loosen the image then I stand from the bed. “Actually, yes, I’d love to take a shower.” I grab my make-up case and my handbag where I stuffed a plastic bag containing all my toiletries. “I know where the bathroom is.”

  He grabs the back of my T-shirt before I can leave the bedroom. “You can use the shower in the master bath. It’s much bigger.”

  I wriggle away from him and step aside so he can lead me to the master bedroom. My pulse is pounding in every part of my body as I follow him down the hallway and into a bedroom so huge I’m certain I could fit six
dorm rooms in here. He leads me past the modern furnishings and I discreetly glance inside his walk-in closet. It’s a little messy, but there’s definitely enough room in there for my clothes.

  Stop it, Senia!

  “Why are you grinning?” he asks me as we enter the master bathroom.

  “No reason. Just excited to get clean and get some studying done.”

  He shows me how to turn on the shower and he stays until he’s certain the water is the right temperature. “The handheld shower-head has a pulse-mode,” he says with a wink.

  As soon as I’m cleaned up and changed into something that doesn’t smell like the inside of our ancient closet in the dorm, I make my way downstairs with my book bag and my cell phone. I pull my laptop out of the bag and sit back on the sofa in the living room to get some work done. I don’t know where Tristan is, but I don’t have time to care.

  My phone rings as I’m opening my laptop and I’m not at all surprised to see it’s Tristan. “What?”

  “Want to play hide-and-seek?”

  “Very funny.”

  “I’m serious. I’ll let you hide first. The refrigerator is home base. I’ll count to thirty.”

  He hangs up and I roll my eyes as I try to think of a good reason to play hide-and-seek with Tristan that has nothing to do with sex. Finally, I close my laptop and set it down on the coffee table.

  I don’t know my way around this huge house very well yet, but I guess a game of hide-and-seek should help with that. I have no idea where Tristan is, so I set off toward the kitchen. I’m thinking I should try to hide somewhere downstairs – somewhere far away from the bedrooms. I open a glass door that looks like it leads to a cellar, when suddenly I hear the sound of a door opening. I scurry inside and close the door softly behind me.

  Dashing down the steps, I reach the bottom and find a warmly lit wine cellar with a few barrels in the corner. I crouch down behind one of the barrels and realize, not only is my heart pounding with the anticipation of being discovered, I’m grinning like a crazy person. The sound of footsteps on the wooden stairs has me frozen. I cover my mouth to muffle the sound of my frantic breathing.

  “Are you hiding in my cellar?” Tristan’s smooth voice sends a chill over my skin.

  I try to make myself even smaller, but it’s hard to do that when you’re almost six-feet-tall without heels. His footsteps are getting closer. He lets out a soft chuckle and I’m certain he’s found me, but many years of playing hide-and-seek with my sisters taught me that you never come out of your hiding place until someone taps your shoulder. Never assume you’ve been caught.

  I wait another thirty seconds, my eyes squeezed tightly shut, until the sound of footsteps traveling up the staircase surprises me. Opening my eyes, I slowly lean my head to the side to peek around the barrel. He’s gone.

  I want to laugh triumphantly, but I have to make my dash for the refrigerator as quickly and quietly as possible. I creep up the stairs slowly, being careful not to step on any creaky stairs. At the top of the stairs, I peek in all directions beyond the glass door and see no movement. I burst through the door and just as I’m about to make a mad dash for the refrigerator, Tristan grabs me around the waist and I let out a wild scream.

  “Got ya!” he says through his laughter as I attempt to push him away.

  “That’s not fair!” I squeal. “You’re supposed to tag me if you find me. You’re not supposed to ambush me!”

  “I couldn’t resist. You really thought you’d picked a good hiding place.”

  I sigh as I take a few steps away from him. “Your turn to hide.”

  He smiles at the sound of the challenge in my words. “You’re never going to find me.”

  “We’ll see about that.”

  “Close your eyes,” he says and I reluctantly do as he says. I can’t see anything, but I can feel the warmth of his breath on the side of my face. “Don’t forget to count to thirty.”

  When thirty seconds is up, I open my eyes and head straight for the stairs. Something tells me I’m going to find Tristan naked in the shower – or maybe that’s just wishful thinking. I search the master bedroom and bath and the entire second floor, but I come up with nothing. I search downstairs, even searching the cellar in case he decided to be cute, but he’s nowhere. I head for the backyard and search behind the outdoor sofas, inside the pool supply closet. I even peer up inside the outdoor fireplace to see if I’ll find Tristan propped up in there, covered in soot and looking sexy as ever. No such luck.

  I walk past the pool, peering into the depths in case he’s hiding under water. Then I realize I know where he is. I open the door to the steam room and Tristan is lying on the wooden bench with his eyes closed and his shirt off.

  “You think you’re so clever.”

  He smiles as he opens his eyes. “Oh, sorry. It was so cozy in here, I didn’t hear you come in. Sure you don’t want to join me.”

  I can’t help but stare at his rock-hard, glistening chest. This is what he wants. He wants me to give in to these urges and forget about my homework. Forget about everything else but him. And it would be so easy to get lost in Tristan.

  “I have to study,” I say as I exit the steam room and he quickly follows after me. I grin as I imagine how cold it must feel out here to him after leaving the sauna with no shirt on. “Next time you want to play hide-and-seek, call Chris.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Nine Years Ago

  I walk into the master bedroom at Elaine’s house and I’m not surprised to find a girl lying spread-eagle on the bed wearing nothing but a black bra and panties. She looks young, maybe sixteen years old, with straight blonde hair that’s fanned out over the pillow under her head.

  “She’s ready for you,” Elaine whispers from somewhere behind me. Maybe she’s not whispering, but I can barely hear her over the blood rushing through my ears.

  My gaze darts toward the corner where a fat guy in a T-shirt and jeans sits on a chair with his hand on his belt buckle, readying himself. I look back at the girl on the bed and I get an urge to know her name – this girl who’s almost as young as I am and probably stuck in this impossible situation the same as I am. She closes her eyes, but she keeps them closed for a moment too long, and I know. I know she doesn’t want to be here. She’s probably saying a silent prayer to help her get through this.

  I turn around and Elaine’s gaunt face is contorted in confusion. “What’s wrong?”

  “I can’t do this.”

  She grabs my arm before I can leave and whispers in my ear: “How the fuck are we supposed to get out of here if you won’t help me? I need you, Tristan. I need to get out of here.”

  I glance over my shoulder and the blonde girl is staring at me now, looking a little rejected. “I don’t know how to do this.”

  Elaine smiles softly. “I’ll show you how.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Once Senia is settled in the study with her laptop and a phony sense of contempt for my games, I inform her that I’m leaving and I’ll be back in about an hour. She looks a bit disappointed, but, again, she tries to cover this up with a casual goodbye. I hop in the Lightning and, I’ll admit, I’m really excited about picking up Grandma and Molly. It would have been more convenient to have Senia pick them up on the way here, but I forgot that Claire’s tiny car would probably be full of Senia’s stuff. This is beyond all right because I’m dying to see Molly and Grandma’s faces as we pull into the driveway.

  When I arrive at Grandma’s house, Molly and Grandma are standing outside under the darkening sky with their coats pulled tightly against the cold. Molly looks bored, but Grandma’s face lights up the moment she sees my car. She must have forced Molly to wait outside with her.

  “We are ready to be entertained,” Grandma declares as she practically trots down the path toward the curb.

  Molly rolls her eyes and I grab the back of her coat to pull her aside before she can climb into the backseat. “Hey, I need you to not be in a mood to
day. Senia moved in with me this morning and I want Grandma to have a nice visit with us. Okay?”

  She narrows her golden-brown eyes. “In a mood? What does that even mean? You want me to pretend to be happy?”

  As much as I want this meeting between Senia and Grandma to go smoothly, I can’t tell her to pretend to be something she’s not. “No. I’m just asking you to remember that Senia picked you up when you were shit-faced and we never said a word about it to Grandma.” She casts her gaze downward at the grass and I glance over her shoulder at Grandma, who’s waiting patiently in the car. I grab Molly’s shoulder and plant a kiss on her forehead. “It’ll be okay, Moon. Come on.”

  Grandma’s leg bounces nervously the whole drive there, but the moment I pull into the semi-circular driveway, she freezes. “This is yours?”

  I nod as I pull the car up next to the front steps. I want to say, It can be yours, too. I want to offer Grandma and Molly a place in my home, but I know Molly is dead set against changing schools and I don’t want to cause her or Grandma any more stress.

  Grandma’s starry-eyed as I open the front door and she steps inside. “This is yours?” she repeats the question and this gets a small chuckle out of Molly.

  “Tristan, is that you?” Senia shouts from the kitchen. “A delivery guy just came with—” Senia’s surprised by us when she steps out of the kitchen. She glances at her T-shirt and short shorts and the embarrassment blooms in her cheeks. “Why didn’t you tell me you were bringing your family? Oh my God. I’m so embarrassed.”

  “They delivered the pizza?” I ask her, but she’s too busy being mortified.

  I look at Grandma and she’s smiling. “I remember you,” she says to Senia. “You’re the one who got drunk at Molly’s birthday party.”

  Senia looks even more embarrassed now, if that’s even possible. “I’m so sorry. I had a drinking problem my freshman year. I’m so sorry.”

  Grandma chuckles and waves away Senia’s apology. “Better to live life than watch from the sidelines.”

  I’ve heard Grandma spout this droplet of wisdom plenty of times, but Senia looks surprised by the response. And even more surprised when Grandma Flo takes her into her arms. She wraps her arms around Grandma’s shoulders and bites her lips as she instantly begins to tear up. She looks to me, her eyes pleading for some kind of guidance as to what she should do. All I do is nod and I think she knows what I mean: Grandma knows about the baby.

  Grandma lets her go and her face scrunches up as she attempts to hold back her tears. “Woo! I need a drink. Tristan, fix your Grandma a whiskey sour, please.”

  Senia gives Molly and Grandma a tour of the house while I fix her a drink and set out some plates for the pizza I had delivered. By the time they get back, Grandma has her arms hooked in Senia’s and they’re giggling like schoolgirls as they approach the dining table in the breakfast nook.

  They all take their seats at the table and Grandma sits between Senia and I while Molly sits on my other side. Senia appears as if she’s still on the verge of tears as she distributes slices of pizza to everyone. Finally, I grab Molly’s hand and she glares at me.

  “Moon, Senia and I are having a baby.”

  She shakes her head and chuckles. “What? Are you kidding me?”

  “No,” I reply seriously and she turns to Senia.

  Her eyes widen at the sincere look on Senia’s face, then she yelps so loud I think I may need to get my hearing checked after this dinner. “OMG!” she whispers. “I’m gonna be an aunt.”

  And once her tears begin, Senia and Grandma are free to join in. Jesus Christ. I’m going to have to escape all this estrogen soon or I may have to call up Chris and gab about my feelings for Senia.

  Yeah, right.

  An hour later, we’ve all gorged ourselves on pizza and baby talk. I offer Grandma and Molly the guest rooms to stay the night, but Grandma insists I take