The Sinners of Saint Amos: The Full 3-book Boxset
Page 70
Because I don’t want her to. I don’t want any of them to leave ever again.
“It’s cold out here,” she says, wrapping her arms around herself. She’s wearing the hotel’s robe, thick and fluffy, her dark curls pulled into a messy heap on top of her head. “Why don’t you come inside?”
“Just having a smoke.”
She quirks her mouth. “I thought you were going to quit?” Her hands frame her little belly.
I know what I said, I was there. The instant I knew Malachi was mine, a slew of promises filled my head.
I’d quit smoking.
I’d stop canceling my therapy sessions at the last minute.
I’d actually do the homework my shrink assigned me.
I’d give my brothers less grief.
I’d…be better.
I only told them about the smoking part. I guess, in a way, I didn’t want to take a chance that I’d fail at all the others. Because I knew I’d fail.
My life was a series of failures, and it showed no sign of changing. Until Malachi arrived, of course. I don’t know why my seed was the one that finally took, but I do know that’s a question I don’t actually want the answer to.
I have a feeling, if Malachi wasn’t mine, then I wouldn’t have stuck around long enough to know who his father was.
I’m selfish like that.
Trinity knows it. My brothers know it.
This time, the dice rolled in my favor.
I stub out my cigarette and grab the bottle of water I brought out here with me, rinsing my mouth with a few sips. Then I come up to Trinity and scoop her into my arms, hugging her as tightly as I dare.
She says nothing—just clings to me like she’d fall if I let her go.
But I don’t plan to.
Not ever.
I cup her face in my hands and lean back so I can look into her bronze eyes. “How could you ever love a wretch like me?”
She frowns. “Now you’re quoting song lyrics at me?”
I am? I glance away, but she reaches up and turns my face back toward her. “At first, I didn’t. But they did.” She cocks her head inside the penthouse.
I stare deep into her eyes, my chest growing tight. Then I shake my head and slowly go down onto my knees in front of her. Mindful of the cold air out here, I tweak open the front of her robe just enough so that I can plant my lips on her belly.
When I tip my head back, tears have gathered in her eyes. She quickly blinks them away, but I’m already on my feet, smoothing the hair away from her face. “Why?”
“Because this is all so…” She sniffs and squeezes her eyes closed. “It’s all so perfect.”
“What’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing!” Her eyes shoot open, angry now. “Perfect isn’t a compromise, Zach. It’s what everyone strives for.”
Everyone but me.
Except…now…staring down at the woman of my dreams, the one who’s sheltering my child in her swollen belly, something stirs inside me. It could be many things, but I’m starting to realize that was always the case. I could have gone so many directions with things over the course of my life, but I always chose the negative.
Darkness had been such an integral part of my life that it became familiar to me. When I had to choose, I stuck in my comfort zone.
Choosing the light feels wrong. But I can’t be a fucking coward for the rest of my life. I want my son to look up to me. So I’ll be brave.
From now on, I’ll choose hope.
I smile at Trinity, and for a beat it’s as if she doesn’t know what to do with my expression. Then a flimsy smile graces her own mouth.
“Amen,” I whisper.
The End
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