by Darien Cox
Our kiss finally disengaged, and Duncan held my hands and spun me gently around him as we buoyed in the undulating waves. “I like your passion for life,” I said. “I like being part of it right now.”
“You say such sweet things. You’ve been extra sweet since we got here.”
“You’re the only person who’s ever called me sweet.” I chuckled. “But I’m not trying to be sweet. Do you think the things I say aren’t sincere?”
“It doesn’t matter. They make me happy either way.”
It doesn’t matter? “Well, I am sincere. I try to be an honest person these days,” I said. “I made fun of Mythic when I first got there, you know that. But I like the way you live your life. I admire it. You do what pleases you, and that’s braver than it sounds in this world.”
Duncan caught me around the waist again and pinched my chin. “You’re going to have an amazing life yourself. I’m certain of it. You’re an extraordinary young man with great potential.”
My bliss stumbled. An extraordinary young man? Great potential? Was he my lover or my fucking guidance counselor? I stared into his beautiful eyes, with the little droplets of water clinging to his long lashes, and I had no idea what thoughts lay behind them. For all my revelations about what I was feeling, I’d once again forgotten to consider his point of view. His last commentary warned that my perspective on our affair differed greatly from his.
“I’m going to have an amazing life?” I chuckled, trying to keep it light, but a little discomfort crept into my voice. “My life is already happening, Duncan.”
“I know, Zach. I’m just saying you’ve got a lot of life left to live. And knowing you, I suspect it will get even better. That you’ll do great things and find happiness. You deserve that.”
“And what about you? Aren’t you happy right now? With me?”
“Of course I am. Life’s all about moments. This is a good moment in time. I’ll always remember it.”
Oh, brilliant. Could he possibly squeeze any more finality into his words? “You mean long after I’m gone from your life.”
“I mean no matter what happens. I’ll remember you, and what this night felt like regardless.”
Romance was always a gamble, I understood that, and I was not yet laying all my bets on Duncan’s table. But when you entered the race it was supposed to be about the potential of getting somewhere. Whether it worked out or not, it was supposed to be about trying something on for size. At least that’s the way I’d always thought of it. I’d expected that Duncan would at least be open to the possibility that this could lead somewhere. But him speaking so matter of fact about it, like he saw our departure from each other as inevitable and obvious? Well, that pissed me off, surprised me, and it fucking hurt. He couldn’t have chosen another moment to show me how nonchalant he was about me?
“What are you doing?” I asked.
Duncan treaded water, drifting a couple feet away from me. “I’m swimming with you. What do you mean?”
I shook my head. “You’re trying to ruin it. This moment you like so much.”
“Nonsense. I’m relishing it. Trapped in time, forever sealed. Forever perfect.”
“Are you drunk?”
“No.” He swam to me and cupped my ass with his hands. “But I’m drunk on you.”
“Then why are you talking about my future diverging from yours right now? Why are you talking like that when we’re naked and on a date?”
“Come on Zach. I’m a realist. I enjoy being drunk on you. But I know I’ll have to sober up eventually.”
I pushed away from him and wanted to puke. The bliss I’d been feeling sank into the sea. The stars in the sky didn’t seem so wondrous anymore. And the water was suddenly cold and uncomfortable. “I’m gonna get out now. Go take a hot shower. It’s getting chilly.”
I swam to shore and climbed onto the sand on shaky legs. Grabbed my towel and dried off haphazardly.
“Zach!” Duncan stepped up beside me and picked up his towel. “Is something wrong?”
I looked up and met his eyes. “I know we’ve been mostly just fucking and there’s no set destination, but at least I’m going into it with an open mind. Yours is already closed, apparently. I didn’t realize that when you agreed to date me.”
Duncan watched me as he toweled off his hair. He wrapped the towel around his waist and sighed. “You’re smart, Zach. You can’t pretend you don’t see any obstacles as far as you and I are concerned.”
“Obstacles? Well, let’s see. I quit being your employee, so there’s one out of the way. There was the Corey thing, but after our discussion tonight, I assumed that obstacle was gone too. So what’s left, aside from you just not liking me enough? If that’s it, I’ll accept it.”
“That’s not it. There’s no limit to how much I like you.”
“So the age difference then? Because that’s the only thing I can imagine you’re thinking about, and that’s a non-issue.”
“It’s not a non-issue. It’s a huge issue.”
I shook my head, genuinely surprised. “Why? Why is that an issue for you? Because it’s not for me.”
“Zach, I’m not just a few years older than you. I’m twenty-one years older than you. Twenty-one. By the time your mother was giving birth to you, I was already of legal drinking age. Had already had a ton of sex, relationships, life experiences. I was graduating from college. That was all happening when you were a newborn infant.”
“Is that how you see me? As a baby? As a kid?”
“Zach—”
“Who cares what was happening at certain points in our past? What does any of that have to do what’s happening now?” I pointed at the sand. “Right now. In this moment. You said life is just moments in time. I don’t want this one to be trapped in some preserved forever perfect memory box. I want to move forward and experience the messy parts too. I want to see what could happen between us. Would it really be so preposterous for you to take me seriously, Duncan? To at least give this a chance before you toss me away in your scrap book?”
And there it was. The old Zach. The lead-with-his-heart Zach. The one I thought I’d killed, rising from his dusty coffin in all his possessive, love-starved glory. Thirsty for commitment and reassurance.
And Duncan was staring at me with parted lips, looking stunned. Saying nothing.
I shook my head. “I’m gonna go freshen up, I’m all sandy.”
I made my way back up to the house. Duncan didn’t follow me. When I opened the door and risked a glance over my shoulder, he was sitting on his towel, alone, staring out at the sea.
Chapter Sixteen
Digging through the bag Duncan had packed for me, I saw that he’d brought me pajamas. Fucking pajamas. Why did he have to be so damn thoughtful? I found a bathroom. After showering I brushed my teeth and put on the striped PJ bottoms and a white tee shirt, forgoing the matching pajama top because it was a little too old-man for my style.
Old man. Duncan was not an old man, but is that how he saw himself with me? Or was it simply that he saw me as too young a man? A doe-eyed kid just taking my first steps in life? If that was the case, what the hell was he doing with me here?
Fucking. He’s fucking you, dummy.
Bingo. And we’d come back around, all the way to the beginning. Back to when I was worried Duncan was only getting to know me, only handing me promotions and opportunities and making me feel special because he wanted to fuck my ass. I didn’t want to believe that, because it hurt, so I considered there might be another side to it.
Duncan drove straight to my apartment to confront me when he heard I quit Mythic. He’d admitted to feeling jealous about my past relationship with his nephew. Shit, he’d shut Corey down and convinced him there was nothing shady about him dating me. Duncan could have used Corey’s objection as an easy-out if he wanted to get rid of me.
So I guess Duncan genuinely liked me. He wanted to spend time with me, not just fuck me. But he had absolutely no designs on giving this a
chance to become something more. Based on what he’d just told me on the beach, it sounded like he hadn’t even considered it. Or maybe he just hadn’t considered it was a possibility.
He did get a peculiar look about him, a confused, cautious expression whenever I let go a little and showed how into him I was. Perhaps it was discomfort I was seeing in Duncan’s eyes, because he didn’t expect me to go that route with him, that I’d even want to.
Well, he knew now. I’d started whining at the first sign that Duncan wasn’t thinking of me as a potential boyfriend. I thought about the hockey player, Wes, who’d come by the house with wine and a rose and a big, sappy smile. It was a smile I recognized, because Duncan put it on my face too. Wes wouldn’t have shown up unannounced unless he felt confident there was something special going on with Duncan. He’d been hopeful, then angry and hurt when he left. And what had Duncan said about it?
‘He wants more than I’m willing to give.’
Shit. That was me now. I was Wes. Wes, who I’d smugly been thinking of as a sad loser earlier while I thought I’d I won the prize. Now I was the sad loser who’d expected too much.
Christ, I felt like I was back dating Corey before we were exclusive. Age difference or not, Duncan seemed to be a guy everyone wanted. A man who handed out little bits of himself to many, just enough to get them hooked. And I was one of them. This is what I got for dating another Stengel. My God. I had to be the stupidest asshole on the planet.
Or maybe I was insane, doing the same damn thing over and over and expecting a different result. And I hadn’t even had the good sense to veer off the family tree. Maybe Corey was right. Maybe that’s why he’d gotten so upset—because he could see what I was doing to myself. Maybe this fascination with Duncan was about repeating my past. Perhaps I was just as fucked up as I used to be, and telling myself I’d changed and grown was a line of crap.
But it honestly didn’t feel that way. I was not confused about Duncan. This wasn’t some psychological clusterfuck happening because my subconscious was mixed-up. I was clear-headed. I couldn’t even say I’d self-sabotaged by cornering Duncan on his intentions. I had the right to know before I got in any deeper. And…well, now I knew. Go me.
When I left the bathroom, I heard water running somewhere else in the house. I crept down another corridor and saw light under a door, heard a shower going. Another bathroom. Duncan must have come back up off the beach and was freshening up. Crap. I was nervous now. I’d just made a mess of things, and we still had to spend the night together, unless he planned to make me swim home.
And I still wanted the guy. As I walked back into the bedroom, I got butterflies thinking about climbing under the sheets with him, regardless that we were in ‘a fight’. Well…I was the one who’d had a fight—Duncan just stood there. Sighing, I slid open the window and rested my arms on the sill, staring out at the ocean, listening to the crashing waves. Jesus, look at this gorgeous place he’d taken me to. For a fucking date. He’d hired a vegetarian chef, just for me. But my heart was involved, and I’d vowed to put it first.
Still, I wanted to smooth things over with Duncan tonight. This wasn’t his fault either. He felt the way he felt. He’d been honest with me, and I couldn’t fault him for it.
“Zach.”
I looked over my shoulder. Duncan hung a towel on a door hook then walked toward me. He looked soft and inviting in checkered PJ bottoms, shirtless with his hair towel-dried and messy, his skin flushed from the hot shower.
“Hey.” I turned away from the window. “I’m sorry I ruined the getaway.”
He stepped in close to me and rubbed my shoulders. “You didn’t ruin anything. Can we talk?”
“Of course. I’m sorry I got emotional. I’m not angry at you, Duncan. I respect how you feel. Respect your honesty.” I shrugged and gave him a strained smile. “Even when I don’t like what I hear.”
“Don’t apologize. I’m the one who should apologize.”
“What for?”
“I um…I think what Wes said to me earlier today got to me. About how young you are.”
My brow lowered. “Oh.”
“It made me realize that in a small way, I was thinking of you as a naïve child.” He rested his forehead against mine. “I was flippant in the way I let you know that. It wasn’t very thoughtful, and I’m sorry.”
“So you have been thinking of me as a kid.”
He winced, holding up his thumb and forefinger. “A little.”
“Hopefully not while we were in bed,” I quipped.
Duncan snorted a chuckle, his fingers tickling my upper arms as he stroked them. “No. Definitely not in bed.”
“Do you think maybe you can adjust that thinking?”
He raised his head. “I’ve done some thinking already. When considering your age, I wasn’t focusing on who you are so much as where you are in your life. I wasn’t thinking about you at this age, but of who I was at that age, and it just seems so long ago. I look back and think I was still so young. But that’s me. Not you. It isn’t fair of me to see you through that lens.”
“I’m twenty-seven and three quarters.” I smirked, struggling to keep it light, though anger tapped at my temples. “Does that make a difference?”
Duncan laughed. “I’m glad you have a sense of humor about it. I feel terrible that I upset you.”
I wanted to tell him that it was all right. Hadn’t I just said to myself that I wanted to smooth things over? But I couldn’t. Duncan using the word naïve in association with me grated. I sure as hell wasn’t naïve, and my life had been no cakewalk thus far. My sense of self was hard won, and apparently it had grown some armor recently, because it was urging me to fight for it now, even if it caused trouble with Duncan. Even if it ruined this date. How could I expect Duncan to respect me when he didn’t have the full picture of who I was?
“Actually, I don’t have a sense of humor about it. I’m not a kid, Duncan.”
Duncan looked surprised. “I know you’re not a kid.”
“No. You don’t. You very obviously don’t.”
My tone was sharp, and Duncan looked at me with wide, startled eyes.
“I’m sorry. I’m not angry at you. I just need you to understand me if you’re going to judge me. If you care to. I’d like you to understand me better. If that’s something you want.”
“Yes, Zach. Of course.” He squeezed my shoulder. “I absolutely want that. Talk to me. I want to fix this.”
I let out a breath. “All right.” I leaned against the windowsill. “Since you were so adept at doing all the age-math down on the beach, maybe I can give you some of my own calculations to defend myself?”
“You have nothing to defend.” He stepped back and sat on the end of the bed. “But yes, go ahead.”
“You say you were thinking about where I’m at now? Well let me tell you where I’ve been, okay?”
Duncan nodded. “That’s fair.”
“My dad left us when I was four. I grew up with just my mom. And she’s great. But it was hard, knowing my own father rejected me for whatever reason, and that made me grow up fast. I was teased by other kids because my father left.” I chuckled. “Fucking four-year-olds, man, bullying me. Kids told me he left because of me, and I believed them. I got a lot of that life experience you were talking about before I even hit my tenth birthday. Because by that time, I’d already figured out I was gay, so I told myself there was something wrong with me, and that’s why my father left. It wasn’t a picnic of a childhood.”
Duncan nodded, lips tight.
“I lost my virginity when I was fourteen. And I’ve been hooking up with guys ever since. Dealing with all that goes with it, right?”
Duncan’s brows rose but he said nothing, just waited for me to continue.
“So that’s thirteen years of being sexually active. Thirteen years of dating. Of kissing. Fucking. Sucking. Getting sucked. Falling in love. Getting my heart broken. Healing. Doing it all over again. Breaking other peo
ple’s hearts. Making friendships. Losing friendships, through fights or death or distance or just fading away. Life stuff. It’s not new to me.”
Duncan glanced down. “Of course.”
“I started bartending when I was twenty-one because I’d convinced myself I was too dumb for college, because I had so many racing thoughts I couldn’t seem to concentrate on anything too long. I was this sappy kid looking for love in all the wrong places. I got taken advantage of. Used. Fell for a bar owner who broke my heart. See, I thought I was in love.” I chuckled. “Until my ‘boyfriend’ tried to convince me we could make more money if I sucked a few cocks in the back room.”
Duncan scowled. “Zach. I’m sorry.”
“I refused. So he told me I was worthless, and I was fooling myself if I thought I had anything to offer other than my looks. My body. My mouth. Needless to say, I quit that job. I bounced around from bar to bar, place to place, trying to find someplace I didn’t feel like shit about myself. Met some nice people. Met some bad people. Got beat up a lot. Hospitalized a couple times. Once because a guy didn’t like who I was. Once because a guy liked me too much and didn’t accept my refusal when he wanted me.”
Duncan winced. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know that.”
“I know, Duncan. And I’m not trying to shock you. Just trying to give you the full picture. After healing from that, I ultimately moved to JP and finally felt like I belonged somewhere. Got some semblance of normalcy and respect back. I made new friends. And through those friends, I met Corey.”
