by Darien Cox
Duncan glanced up.
“He was like a light in the darkness. He told me to never let anyone tell me I was worthless. He said if the world tried to punch me I had to punch back harder. Said he’d show me how. And that if I was feeling weak, he’d do it for me until I learned to do it for myself.” I chuckled. “And he did a few times. This was before we ever even kissed, mind you. He was my friend first.”
Duncan smiled. “That’s nice to hear about him.”
I nodded. “Corey just…radiated with something I’d never seen before. That light he has inside. That confidence. But I’d been in the dark so long I got addicted to his light, so scared it was going to go out that I chased it. Constantly chased it. I caused a lot of damage, to him, to friends, but especially to myself. The past two years have changed me. I’ve had to put myself under a microscope and figure out who I am, why I made the mistakes I did. I fell apart and had to put myself back together. I lost myself and had to find myself again. And I have, Duncan. I finally like who I am on my own.”
He nodded, silent.
“I went to college for a year only to find I didn’t like it after all. Learned my mother never quite accepted me either. Had to grow strong enough to overcome that. Then transformed into someone who could stand on his own two feet. Financially, but I knew I could do that. I always got by. But I had to stand on my own emotionally. To control who I was on the inside, so I could stop making so many bad decisions on the outside.”
Duncan stared at me, his brows pinched, and I could see he was actually listening, that I had his full attention.
“I was a guy on the bottom. That’s how my life started. And that’s how it was for a long, long, time. But I’ve climbed out of that hole now. I’ve found my value. But it hasn’t been an easy path with a picket fence. It was barbed wire and mud-crawling and finally figuring out a way to wash it all off. I’ve been doing this life thing a long time, Duncan. Highs and lows, peaks and crashes. I am not a naïve child. I’m not a child at all. I’m a man. That’s what I wanted to say to you.” I held his gaze. “I’m a man, Duncan. And whether you want to keep dating me or not, I expect you to treat me like one.”
Duncan stood and walked toward me. He leaned in and pulled me into a hug. “I know you’re a man. And I can’t apologize enough for treating you like something else. Will you please forgive me, Zach?”
“Of course I will.”
He squeezed me tighter, nuzzling into my neck. “I do want to keep dating you. And if you’ve convinced yourself I don’t care about you, know that I want to go back in time and drop-kick everyone who ever shit on you. Everyone, Zach. Even the four-year-olds.”
I smiled against his shoulder. “Okay but stop being nice or you’re gonna make me emotional, and negate the whole ‘I’m a man’ speech, okay?”
He leaned back and smiled. “There’s nothing childish about emotion. But I don’t know how to not be nice to you.”
“Then distract me.” I reached up and dragged my thumb across his lip. “You know how to do that.”
Smiling, he rested his hands on my hips and leaned against me. “Thirteen years of being sexually active, huh?”
I chuckled. “That’s right. Thirteen years.”
“That’s a lot of fucking.”
I slid a finger into the hem of his PJs. “It is. A lot of fucking.”
“Especially surprising for someone who claims to have recently gone without sex for...?”
“A year or so. Before you.”
He threaded fingers through my hair. “Goodness. That is a while.”
“You’re telling me.”
Duncan’s hands slid down from my hair and held my face. “So what’s so special about me, Zach? To what do I owe the honor of breaking your celibacy?”
I shivered at the way he was looking at me, his expression still soft, but growing heated. “That’s something I’d like the chance to figure out,” I said. “If you’ll let me.”
He stared at me silently for a long moment, then said, “Get into bed.”
My pulse sped. “Not gonna make me swim home, then?”
He smiled and shook his head. “Not a chance. I’ve kidnapped you, remember?”
I wanted to believe Duncan cared for me. That he wasn’t just trying to save my dignity now that I’d spilled my emotional baggage all over him. The truth was I knew there was a chance we’d return to Boston and I’d experience one of those long bouts of silence from him again.
But none of that seemed to matter when he got me in bed and slowly undressed me in between deep, searing kisses in the dark, the sound of waves lapping the shore through the open window. I was back in that magic place again, the place I kept returning to with Duncan in between periods of doubt and silence and worry. I didn’t know if this would be the last time I’d get to visit that place. If this was our last night together. I just didn’t know. I knew there was a chance it could be, despite Duncan’s gentle words and the way he was kissing me now.
And boy was he kissing me. There was no race to see how fast he could make me come this time. His mouth was slow and savoring. I could feel his heart beating fast against my chest, and the hard breaths that came in pauses between kissing let me know he was in thrall of this, at least physically.
His hands continued to caress me as we explored each other’s mouths more thoroughly than we ever had before. The way his palms pressed hard against my body as they smoothed over every line, every muscle, made me feel like he was trying to memorize me. He still didn’t reach for the condom he’d set on the nightstand before turning off the lamp. Instead, he left my mouth and started on my skin, tasting me up and down, driving me mad, devouring my hip bones with his lips and tongue. Working his way back up to give attention to my nipples, my ribs. Turning me over onto my belly and nuzzling his way down my spine, parting my cheeks and sending me out into space with his tongue until I was a whimpering, pleading mess.
Only then did he take me from behind, and it was as slow and gentle as the foreplay, holding me in a tight hug, kissing and biting the back of my neck as his cock filled me and he moved with languid, rhythmic pulses against my ass. Thus far my sex with Duncan had been frantic and somewhat playful, but this felt different. He was taking his time, fingers threading my hair and drifting down my body beneath him.
At one point, he traced my entrance with his fingers to feel himself moving in and out of me, sighing against my ear, “So perfect, Zach, so damn perfect.”
The entire thing was an agonizing symphony of sensation and emotion that left me helpless and destroyed, coming against the mattress before I was ready for it to end, choking out cries of pleasure, but stopping myself from saying something he wasn’t ready to hear, because nothing was this good unless it was the beginning of something or it was the end.
Duncan came hard, shuddering against me, then stayed inside and on top of my sweaty body for a long time before we finally disengaged. After we got cleaned up, he went down to the kitchen, then brought us a snack, blueberry scones left by the chef for breakfast, and they were delicious. We ate the scones, our banter light and friendly, then we settled back in bed, and he held me in the darkness while we drifted off to sleep.
And still, I had no sense of whether this was a beginning or an end. And I vowed not to ask, even tomorrow, when we returned home. I’d laid myself bare tonight and made my feelings clear with my words down on the beach, telling him I wanted him to date me with an open mind, to give things with us a chance. I knew Duncan had absorbed those words, but it was not lost on me that he’d chosen not to acknowledge that part of it, even during our heart-to-heart.
There was nothing more I could do. I was falling hard for Duncan Stengel, and it was now up to him whether he wanted to catch me or not.
Chapter Seventeen
Duncan did not slip back into silence once we left the island and returned to Boston. I was surprised—pleasantly so—when he called and texted several times our first week back. He asked me how work was going at Immunity, a
nd I made the mistake of telling him the truth. Well, the real mistake had probably been telling him about getting beat up and so on in my past while we were on the island. Because when I mentioned the sexual harassment I endured at Immunity—a normal occurrence, daunting as it was—he became concerned for my welfare, and amped up his campaign urging me to quit and return to Club Mythic.
And I wanted to do that. I really wanted to. But the only way I’d consider it was if I knew that Duncan was dating only me. And I didn’t know that. Nor would I ask, at least not yet. I was torn between feeling we’d connected in a way that went far beyond casual, and remembering our conversation on the beach. He’d plainly indicated that he didn’t see a real future for us because of the age difference. And while he’d apologized profusely for treating me like a kid, he’d yet to take back the other part. I still had no idea if Duncan saw monogamy with me as an option at some point. And I was probably being stupid for continuing on with him in light of that.
But I just couldn’t help myself. My want for him had swiftly become need, and I craved his presence every moment I wasn’t distracted with work or my jogs with Doug or dealing with life stuff. Sleep wasn’t even a reprieve, as I dreamed about him most nights.
But I hadn’t completely crawled back into a hole of caution and self-doubt. I told Duncan in no uncertain terms that I wanted another date, and that I would be the one to plan it this time. While I couldn’t whisk him off to an island or anything lavish, I knew I could show him a good time. I had some money in my bank account again, so I got the exhaust fixed on my car. I was taking the reins on this date, and that meant I was driving, shitty car or not. I refused to hide my lack of wealth. If Duncan wanted to date me, then he’d see the full picture, the reality of who I was at this point in my life.
I did, however, fear that my idea of going to Canobie Lake Park might reinstate his view that I was just a kid, wanting to go to an amusement park for a date. But his response allayed that fear.
“I absolutely love rollercoasters,” he’d said. “When should we go?”
He wouldn’t give me complete control however, and insisted we spend the night in a hotel that he would pay for. I tried to argue, but he would have none of it, and won me over by insisting he couldn’t spend an entire day with me without wanting to fuck me, and that he didn’t want to wait until we drove all the way back to Boston to do so. I conceded to his manipulation, quite happily, and the plan was set.
My bag packed, I headed over to his house, my little red car looking out of place when I pulled into his circular driveway and parked. Reminding myself that I wasn’t allowing any shame, I held my head high as I went to the door and rang the bell.
Duncan didn’t look like a rich guy when he stepped out onto the porch with his bag. He wore long shorts and a baggy tee shirt, his light brown hair tucked under a ball cap. “Hey, sexy,” he said, and gave me a kiss. “Do you think it’s going to rain?”
I glanced up at the sky. “It’s overcast, but the weather reports say no rain. We should be good. You still want to go?”
Duncan smiled. “I’m all yours. Let’s get out of here.”
“All mine. At least for the day,” I said as we got in the car.
Yeah, I wasn’t above letting a few risky comments slip. I wasn’t perfect. Duncan smirked at me from the passenger seat as I pulled out of the driveway. “And the night,” he said. “Don’t forget that part.”
“Right.” I chuckled. “You’re all mine for twenty-four hours.”
Duncan played with the car radio for a while once we hit the highway, but like everything else about the car, it was shitty, and nothing would really tune in.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “About the lack of music.”
He shut it off and grabbed my thigh, leaning in. “I’ll sing to you.”
I laughed. “Oh boy. You been doing karaoke with your nephew?”
“Good God, no. I’m a terrible singer.”
“So you just want to torture me?”
He moved his lips close to me ear and sang, “Night and daaay, you are the one. Only you beneath the moon or under the sun.”
His voice cracked, and it wasn’t in tune, but it gave me a little shiver anyway. I glanced at him, grinning. “That is pretty bad. But I like it.”
He kissed my cheek then fell back into his seat. “I’m afraid Corey got all the talent in the family. He’s good at everything.”
“I like your singing better.”
Duncan barked a laugh. “Such lies you tell.”
“I’m serious.”
“Corey can actually sing,” Duncan said. “How on earth can you say you like my wretched voice better?”
“Because it’s you.”
I focused on the road, but I could feel his eyes on me. And then I could feel some discomfort coming off of him as he faced front, growing quiet. This wasn’t the first time since returning from the island that I’d sensed Duncan retreat when I said something heartfelt like that. He’d done it on the phone a couple of nights ago, and it was confusing.
I’d been lying on my bed, phone to my ear, listening as Duncan told me about an ex-girlfriend he’d had. Yeah, I’d asked about his past relationships. I was nosy, and it seemed only fair, since he’d known my ex-boyfriend all the way back to the day he was born. Duncan told me about a woman he’d been in love with in New York years back, and how he didn’t understand why she claimed to love him when she seemed to hate everything about him. She’d tried to change him, told him he should ‘act more normal’, even suggested he dye his hair blond and grow a beard.
Duncan relayed the story with humor, but I couldn’t help being bothered by it. And I’d told him so. “She sounds like an idiot,” I’d said. “I wouldn’t change a thing about you. And anyone lucky enough to have you in love with them should be thanking the universe for their good fortune, not bitching about things.”
Duncan had gone quiet after I said it. When I’d asked if anything was wrong, he’d changed the subject over to more trivial things, then said he had to go. I didn’t know quite what to do with this side of him. If it bothered him when I said heartfelt things, when I let him know how special he was to me, he could say so. But he hadn’t thus far. And he still seemed to want to spend time with me. I supposed I should ease up on making comments like that. But I hated censoring myself. And I hated not knowing how he felt about me.
By the time we got to the park, he seemed in good humor again, chatting away and slinging his arm over my shoulders as we walked. He headed straight for the biggest rollercoaster, and we rode it twice in succession.
We spent the day playing games and filling up on junk food, and by the end of it I was comfortable again, forgetting about his strange silences, the way he withdrew from me when I tried to get closer. He kept giving me quick kisses, and he held my hand as we left the park. I was blissfully happy. Until we checked into the hotel nearby. Then everything changed.
Covered in dust and dirt from the park, we agreed we should shower. I went first, and when I came out, Duncan was scowling at his phone. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah.” He set the phone down and smiled, coming toward me. “Look at you all fresh and clean.” He kissed me on the neck. “I don’t want to get you dirty,” he said when I tried to wrap my arms around him. “I’ll be out in a minute.”
Duncan disappeared into the bathroom to shower, and I dressed in the lounge pants I’d brought. We were in for the night, since neither of us was hungry enough to go to dinner after all the junk we’d eaten at the park. Stretching back on the bed, I closed my eyes, smiling when I heard Duncan singing badly in the shower.
His phone buzzed on the bedside table next to my head. I glanced at it, and saw text bubbles. Do not snoop at his phone. Do not snoop at his phone.
I snooped at his phone. In my defense, I didn’t have to actually touch it. I only had to lean over and look at the screen. I saw two texts. From Wes.
‘I don’t know what you want from me.’ Then, ‘Y
ou want me to say it, Duncan? I love you.’
I closed my eyes and let my head fall back on the pillow. My stomach churned unpleasantly. This was my date with Duncan. My fucking date. And now I felt like someone else was here with us. What I’d read in those texts could be interpreted many ways. Maybe Duncan was ignoring Wes. Or maybe they’d been text fighting. Maybe Duncan was actually into Wes. I didn’t know. I only knew I didn’t like it, and I felt like the night was ruined now.
Duncan came out of the bathroom naked, and I weakened. He was singing and bending over to search his bag, and I smiled in spite of myself. “Nice butt,” I said.
He straightened and smirked at me as he pulled on a pair of shorts. “Look at you all stretched out in bed,” he said. “Like a package waiting just for me.”
He crawled onto the mattress and sidled up next to me, wrapping an arm around my waist and burrowing his face into my bare shoulder. “Your phone’s been buzzing,” I said.
Duncan stiffened. “Has it?”
“Yep.”
“I’ll shut it off.” Duncan reached over me and picked up his phone. Sitting up, he frowned at the screen for a long moment. Sighing, he shut it off, then leaned over again and set it down on the bedside table.
“Everything okay?”
He smiled and stroked my cheek with his knuckle. “Everything’s perfect.”
I returned his smile.
“What’s the matter, Zach?”
“Nothing. I’m in bed with you and I just had a great day.”
“Something’s bothering you,” Duncan said. “If you think I don’t know your expressions intimately by now, even when you’re pretending to smile, you are quite mistaken.”
Despite what I felt inside, there was no way I’d volunteer what I knew. I would not ruin this time with Duncan over jealousy. I would not be that person if I could help it. I was getting better at reining old Zach in, and I had a good grip on him right now. I schooled my features and smiled. “Duncan, nothing’s wrong. It’s been a great day. I just want to kiss you and touch you and other things.”
