“Thank you for telling me.” I walk out of his room, suddenly unable to get out of there fast enough. I stare at the pictures on the hallway wall. They’re old photoshoot photos families would get from Walmart back in the day. Maddox is wearing a ridiculous sweater and a bowl cut.
There are also pictures of him playing baseball and football and every school photo of him from preschool to senior year. It’s clear that he’s his parents’ entire world and getting a glimpse into this family history warms my heart.
My heart that now has a slight wall built around it because of his confession.
I don’t want it to affect me this way, but I can’t help it. I’m jealous. My skin is probably twelve shades of green right now thinking about the girl he got to share that moment with. And what did he mean, he didn’t think he had time? As far as I knew, boys usually finish things pretty quick the first time around.
“Ready to go?” Maddox comes up behind me, gripping my waist and planting a soft kiss on my cheek. I nod, trying to push away my envy over something that happened before he and I met.
His parents make me promise to come back again soon and I agree because it was a better night than I could’ve ever anticipated.
The ride home is quiet, terse. My heartbeat is thumping against my chest in a manner I can’t control. Unwarranted distrust is fighting against me, taking root in my brain despite all my logic stating the contrary. I have no reason not to trust him, but jealousy does ugly things to a person.
When we pull up to my house, he parks, and we sit in silence in the driveway.
“Carson, baby, are you upset with me?” He pushes my hair behind my ear and toys with the lobe tenderly.
“It’s stupid.” Tears threaten to fall but I push them away.
“Your feelings aren’t stupid.” He lifts my chin, forcing me to meet his gaze which is full of concern and…love.
“I’m jealous and I have no right to be, I know that, but I can’t help how I feel. I’m trying to push past it.” I bite my lip to keep the errant tears from falling.
“I’m sorry.” There’s nothing else for him to say. Hell, he doesn’t have anything to apologize for. “Are we okay?”
“Yes. We will be. I’ll see you on Monday.” With a quick peck on the lips, I get out of the car and head inside.
We’ll be okay. I know it. I have to believe it.
Five
Carson
It’s finally winter break. Finals have ended and Maddox is headed home for the holidays, meaning he’ll be forty-five minutes away from me. I’m in so deep with him that the mere thought of the distance hurts my heart.
The past few weeks he’s done nothing but shower me with love, support, and patience. He helped me push past my jealousy, proving to me I’m the center of his universe. With him I feel cherished and special. I’ve forgotten all about that blip of him losing his virginity.
Now it’s my turn. He’s not leaving until tomorrow, which means tonight is the night.
My parents took my brother and sister to our grandparents’ house early. We go there every year for the holidays, but I lied and told them I had one more final today so I’d leave tomorrow and they could go without me.
I lied. I never lie to my parents or anyone for that matter. I never found a reason to. I pride myself on never being selfish, but tonight I need to be. Tonight needs to be perfect.
When Maddox arrives at seven, I’m tempted to drag him up to my room and have my wicked way with him. Patience has always been a strong suit of mine, but not where my boyfriend is concerned.
Instead, we eat Chinese takeout in the living room while How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days plays on the TV. Neither one of us is paying much attention to the film, but we’re both actively trying not to rush the evening.
When we’re done eating, I don’t see any reason to stay downstairs. I take his hand and lead him up to my bedroom. The room is stereotypical for this moment, with candles at the ready and rose petals spread on the duvet. Maddox takes over, leading me to the bed where nerves bounce around my belly uncontrollably.
“I love you, Carson. I love you so much and though I want this, I don’t want you to feel rushed or pressured.”
“You don’t need to say that just because we’re going to…you know.” The fact that I can’t even say have sex is so juvenile. I feel like an immature little kid.
“I’m not just saying it, baby. I do love you and I need you to know that whether we sleep together or not. I could go home right now without anything happening and I’d still love you. We could wait until we got married and I’d still love you and everything about you. The words mean more to me than a ploy to get laid. You mean more to me than that.” I kiss him, long and hard until our lips are bruised and our breathing is rapid.
“Maddox Ryan, I love you too.” We kiss until the simple touches lead to more. His delicate fingers graze my skin, pushing my shirt over my head and exposing me. His shirt follows soon thereafter and I want to memorize every ab on his toned body.
I pop the button on my jeans and slowly push the denim over my hips and down my legs, leaving my simple cotton panties to separate me from him. I get brave and reach for his jeans next and help him out of them as well.
We’re almost entirely naked and our bodies are touching from head to toe. He kisses me, one large hand cupping my breast while I glide my hands over his pecs and abs. God, he is a sinfully handsome man.
“You’re so beautiful, baby.” I’m near tears because I love this man more than I thought possible.
With nimble fingers, he hooks his thumbs into my panties and the cotton slides easily down my legs. My thighs quiver as he exposes me. I’ve never been more nervous in my life, but my excitement wins out.
His briefs follow and his erection springs free. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen a penis in person and I can’t imagine how that will fit in me.
My hand shakes as I reach for it, taking it in my hand the same way a handful of Cosmo articles told me to. He groans as I gently work my hand over him and kisses me with a desperate fervor.
We lie back on the bed and he moves from my lips to kissing my neck and working his way down to my breasts. I didn’t know it would or could feel this good.
His hand kneads my leg, working and teasing its way up my thigh to my core. My instinct is to clamp my legs together and clench my muscles to deny access.
“Relax, baby. I’m not going to hurt you.” I nod and relax my knees. My legs part, falling open onto the bed. His fingers find my core and he eases a fingertip inside me, working me up to more and testing the shallow waters.
His mouth distracts me as he sucks on my pert rosy nipple and I find myself lifting my hips for more. When he pushes one finger into me, I gasp. It’s…different. I’ve tried masturbating before, but it’s never felt like this.
I moan. It’s a noise I didn’t know I was capable of making. After my body adjusts to the sole digit, he adds another, and I’m ready to cry, not from pain but from pure need.
“Maddox, I need you.” He kisses me, lining our hips up and teasing my sex with the head of his cock. “Drawer, there’s um, condoms.” I’m praying I bought the right thing because I don’t want to stop.
“Are you sure about this? We can wait?”
I know without an ounce of doubt that if I told him to stop, he would. But I don’t want to and from the look of his throbbing erection he doesn’t want to stop either.
I nod, encouraging him to continue. He grabs a condom and rolls it on. I’m so nervous and yet I want him to hurry up. I can’t wait to experience this with him. He pushes the head into me and I immediately tense.
“You have to relax, baby, or it’s going to hurt.”
I try to listen to him. I take a deep breath and exhale, hoping that releases the stress from my muscles.
Inch by inch he pushes into me and shit, it hurts. This isn’t what I thought it would be like, but I wouldn’t change anything about this moment.
After he
’s all the way in, he stops, allowing my body to adjust to the intrusion. Every shift he makes causes a burning ache in my core.
“You feel incredible, baby, but are you okay? You look like you’re in pain.” I nod and take a deep breath once again. As I exhale, my body loosens and his cock doesn’t hurt as much.
“I’m okay. Move, please.” At a slow but steady pace, he starts moving in and out of me. As my body adjusts, I realize we fit together like two perfect pieces of a puzzle. Our bodies were made for one another.
I half wince, half moan as he pushes into me again and increases the tempo. The soreness subsides and pleasure takes over. He holds me, kissing me, as he chases his orgasm. The sounds he makes are the most erotic noises I’ve heard in my entire life. I want to please him in every way I can.
He finishes on a groan and digs his fingers into my hips. I’m sore as he pulls out of me and wince when I’m empty. He runs to the bathroom to dispose of the condom and brings me a warm moist towel to clean me up.
The action is intimate and tender. Everything about this night from start to finish has been perfect. Not even the small bloodstain on my sheets can embarrass me. If anything, it’s a relic of the beautiful moment we just shared.
“Are you okay?” He kisses my cheek as he joins me once again on my mattress.
“I’m perfect thanks to you. I love you, Maddox. Thank you for tonight.” I cup his cheek and stare into his brown eyes. Love floods his gaze and my heart expands from emotion.
“I love you too, Carson.”
Six
Carson
Maddox misses the first week of class after break. When I call him, his mom answers the phone and tells me he’s sick with the flu or mono or something. I offer to bring him chicken noodle soup, but she turns me down, not wanting to risk me catching the cold. Her voice is watery on the phone, but I’m sure she’s just worried about her son.
The following week, Maddox calls me and tells me he’s still sick. As the days go on I get increasingly worried, but he assures me he’s fine. The third week of classes he returns, and I run to him first thing in the morning. I rap on his dorm room door the minute he says he’s back at school.
I launch myself into his arms and he winces, probably sore from the presumed vomiting and I kick myself for being so inconsiderate.
“I’m sorry, I’m just so happy to see you. Are you okay?” He looks pale and dark circles sit under his eyes.
“I’m fine, baby.” His smile is tight and his forehead betrays his worry. He’s lying to me, but I don’t want to push him.
“Can we meet up for lunch?” He nods and I hate that I have an early class I need to get to. “I’ll see you later.” I kiss him, holding onto him tight and not wanting to let go. We don’t have any classes together this semester, but I was still hoping we’d spend all our time together. Hell, I’d assumed we would.
I’m getting worried. We sleep together and then he claims to be sick. Is it a lie? Is he pulling away? Did he tell me he loved me just to get me into bed? Now I’m starting to feel sick.
҉ ҉ ҉
The days drag and I barely see Maddox. On Friday he tells me he can’t see me because he has another doctor’s appointment to go to back home. I’m finally starting to think something is wrong and I’m worried.
On Monday I see him for lunch and I can’t wait any longer to ask him what’s going on.
“Maddox, please stop lying to me. I know you’re hiding something from me and I’m getting seriously worried.” I absentmindedly pull on the ends of my hair until he stops me.
“There is something I need to tell you, but not here and not now. Please give me until Friday. We’ll go back to the park, to our bench, and I’ll tell you everything. I promise.” I nod despite the thought of waiting four more days gives me acid reflux.
I don’t tell anyone what’s going on because talking about my worries make them feel more real. I don’t want my obsessive thoughts to consume me more than they already are. I’m sure it’s nothing and I don’t want to overreact when I don’t know what’s happening.
By the end of the week, I’m ready to crawl out of my skin. I skip my last class of the day because I can’t bear to wait another minute before talking to my boyfriend.
I go right from class to his dorm and it’s obvious he’s surprised to see me. His eyes go wide and his skin is pale and dewy. The room smells like vomit and there’s a trashcan beside his bed.
“Oh my God, are you okay?”
“I wanted to take you out tonight to tell you everything, but I don’t think I can.” His voice is as watery as his eyes and my heart is splitting down the middle as we speak.
I join him on his bed and he takes my hands in his. A harsh laugh bubbles out of him, but I know it’s lacking emotion. Nothing about this situation is funny and my mind goes into overdrive expecting the worst.
“I’ve been lying to you, Carson. I am sick, but it’s not the flu or mono or anything as simple as that.” He swallows thickly and a tear falls down his cheek. “I have cancer. Lymphoma. Particularly what they call small lymphocytic lymphoma. I’m stage two which means the cancer is in two of my lymph node sites on the same side of my body.” He touches the right side of his throat and his right armpit. “I’ve been in treatment for a few months now and I still have a few more to go. The chemo is kicking my ass, but my doctors are optimistic. I didn’t want to tell you and worry you when my prognosis is good.”
I don’t know when I started sobbing, but I can’t seem to stop. I’m hurt and angry. “You tricked me.”
“What?”
“You tricked me into falling in love with you when you knew you were sick. How could you do this to me? Why wouldn’t you tell me? You knew you were sick when we got together, didn’t you?”
He nods and it’s the only answer I need. “Fuck you. How could you? How could you?” I’m sobbing and hitting him until he grabs my fists and pulls me into his chest. I cry until his shirt is stained with my tears.
“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry. I didn’t want you to find out this way. I thought I was better, was getting better. I never meant to hurt you.”
“I’m scared.”
He nods and my heart shatters. “I am too.”
I stare into his eyes and no matter what, I love this man. I kiss him. I don’t care about puke breath or anything at all. We kiss and then we make love. We try to forget everything, but the painful memory will be burned into my brain forever. It’s not fair. Nothing about this is fucking fair.
҉ ҉ ҉
The next few months are spent going to treatments with Maddox and his family. The clues are falling into place as to why they were acting so weird when I first met them. They assumed I knew he was sick, but of course, they were wrong.
I don’t leave his side and I don’t plan to. If we’re going to fight this disease, we’re going to do it together.
I’m sitting beside him in an oversized hospital chair, my legs dangling over the arm while he receives yet another treatment. The bright side is this is his last treatment before his scans to determine if he’s officially in remission. The tumors have been shrinking, which is a good sign.
“Let’s move in together.” It’s crazy and I can’t believe the words come out of my mouth.
“What?” His eyes are bright and eager at the prospect and I’ll live every day hoping I can give him something to be excited about.
“We can get an apartment near campus for next year. I love you, Maddox, and if this experience has taught me anything, it’s that life is too damn short. I want to spend as much time with you as possible.”
“Are you only saying this because I have cancer and could die? Because you could die tomorrow too. You could get hit by a bus or something.” His attitude is nonchalant and joking, but I know deep down this is a sore spot for him. He refuses to be treated like a charity case.
“Wow, way to keep it light.” His laugh is my favorite sound in the world. “No, I want to live with you
because we’re both nineteen now and we’re in love. And okay, yes, who knows what could happen tomorrow so why should we wait when we know, without a shadow of a doubt, that this is what we want?” My eyes are imploring as I search his chestnut gaze. “This is what you want, isn’t it?”
“Yes. Let’s do it. My parents might have a problem with it because they want me back home, but it’s my life and I’m going to live it however I want.”
I hop off the chair and walk over to kiss him just as Nurse Nancy walks by and clears her throat.
“Don’t think I don’t see you two.” We pull away and his eyebrows are pulled down, as is his mouth.
“Wait, I thought you were only eighteen. You said we’re both nineteen.” I grab his cold hand and offer a small smile.
“My birthday was in March. I didn’t want to say anything because you were having a particularly hard time then and it wasn’t important.”
“Not important? How will I ever live that down? The first birthday we spend together and I totally blow it, missing it by over a month. This summer we’re going away and I’ll make it up to you.”
I nod, because there’s no use arguing with him once he has his mind set.
His treatment ends and we walk out to the parking lot together. “Do you want to tell my parents or your parents first? I want to start apartment hunting right away.” I head in the direction of my house. Something tells me my parents will be easier to sway.
Seven
Carson
As we suspected, his parent’s weren’t so keen for us to move in together, but we insisted. We’re adults and this is what we want.
We spend the summer like two adults happily in love. We go apartment hunting, we spend most days at the beach, and we make love. A lot.
Selfless (A Carolina Coastal Novel Book 1) Page 3
