We don’t go anywhere special because his parents don’t want him straying too far away. Things are looking up, but we’re not quite out of the woods yet.
It’s finally the beginning of August and our sophomore year is about to start. We spent last weekend moving into our sparkly new apartment just off campus. Our parents met and everything fell right into place.
First, though, we have a huge hurdle we have to get over today. We’re sitting in the doctor’s office, waiting on the results of Maddox’s latest scans. I’m standing beside my boyfriend’s chair and his parents occupy the other two seats in the room.
Dr. Kalinsky walks in with a blank face and a folder full of Maddox’s medical history. He sits in his chair, laying out the scans and folding his hands over the documents. His demeanor isn’t promising and my anxiety is eating me from the inside out.
“The scans are promising. You’re in what we call partial remission.” The doctor seems happy, but the rest of us aren’t quite joyful yet.
“What does that mean? Partial—that can’t be good?” His Mom reaches out and grabs her son’s hand, squeezing hard while I squeeze his other hand.
“For your type of non-Hodgkin lymphoma, a partial remission is promising. Your tumors are slow growing and although we always aim for complete remission, this is still a good thing. The tumors in your lymph nodes have been largely reduced and although they’re still present, their regression pleases me.”
“Do we need to continue treatment?” Maddox asks. I can’t blame him for not wanting to continue suffering through chemo.
“We will do a less intense course of treatment to ensure the tumors don’t start to grow more rapidly. This type of lymphoma can sometimes escape treatment, but we’re going to be watching you closely.”
Dr. Kalinsky seems optimistic which helps put our minds at ease. If he says this is good news I’ll believe him. Maddox doesn’t need any pessimism in his life.
We leave after Maddox schedules his next appointment and head back home. To our apartment. It’s surreal to think that we live together, but it’s everything I’ve ever wanted.
My parents bought this apartment for us knowing we couldn’t afford it, but they wanted us to have our own space to start a life. My parents were our age when they got married. It may have been a different time, but starting a life young doesn’t mean it’s destined to fail. The two of us are destined to soar.
We curl up on the sofa and turn on the TV. One of the Thor movies is on, though we’re not paying attention to it. My man is quiet and I don’t know if he’s scared or sad or mad or what he’s feeling. He doesn’t like to talk about his cancer, not that I blame him, but I just want to help him.
“Talk to me. Don’t shut me out.” I’m lying on his chest and he’s playing with my hair. I tilt my head up to look at him and he sighs.
“I don’t really want to talk right now.”
“It’s good news, Maddox.” I run my hand over his jaw, yearning for him to look at me.
“My body is still riddled with fucking cancer, Carson. Tell me how that’s good news?” I flinch back as though he hit me.
“Don’t take it out on me when I’m only trying to help you.”
“You can’t do anything because there is no helping me. I’m sick. Why do you think I’m going to school to be a fucking oncologist? I want to help other people. I want to destroy this disease, but I can’t do that when I’m sitting on fucking death row.” His voice reverberates off the walls within our near-barren apartment. He’s loud because he’s scared and I hate that he’s taking it out on me, but I’ll be his scapegoat to get him through this.
“I love you. I love you even when you senselessly yell at me and take your anger out on me. I love you on your best and your worst days, whether you’re riddled with cancer or not. I’m always going to love you so when you cool off, come find me.” I kiss his head before heading to the store to buy something for dinner.
As I close the door of my Nissan Altima, I let out the sobs I can no longer contain. Fat, ugly tears cascade over my cheeks in a torrent with no end in sight. God, life isn’t fucking fair.
I pound the steering wheel hard enough to hurt and am seconds from driving away when a knock on my window scares the shit out of me.
I roll the window down and sigh. “Hi.”
“I’m an ass of colossal variety.” Maddox rests his forearms on my open window and sits his chin down atop them.
“It’s okay. At least you’re a cute ass.” I boop the tip of his nose and in an instant all is forgiven.
“I am a cute ass or I have one?”
“Both.” His smile is infectious making my eyes roll disingenuously. “Now either get in or move because I need to get something for dinner.”
“Night three and you’re already so domesticated.” He rounds the front of the car and I debate running his smug ass over, but he’s lucky I love him so much. “Let’s go to the store. I’ll make you the famous Ryan lasagna. Family recipe. Maybe one day you’ll be lucky enough to get in on the secret.
҉ ҉ ҉
We eat the famous lasagna and no matter what kind of piss poor attitude my boyfriend wants to give me, I want to celebrate tonight. The doctor said it was good news, and therefore I’m going to treat it as such.
Reminiscent of our first night together, I light some candles in our bedroom and put on some romantic music to seduce my man.
I take his hand and pull him into our room. “Baby, I love you, I’m just really not in the mood to have sex.”
“Then just lay there and enjoy it.” I’ll take care of him all night if I have to in order to bring him out of this depressive funk.
Despite his attitude, we make love and I hold him, cherishing the moments we have together now more than ever. Relationships may be hard, but add cancer into the equation and they become almost impossible. The fear and depression could consume both of us if we let it, but we won’t. We can’t. We’re stronger than that. We’re stronger than this disease.
“I love you. Don’t forget that.” I kiss Maddox and rub my hand over his chest.
“I love you back.” We fall asleep, our limbs tangled together and our hearts beating in tandem.
We’re stronger than this. We have to be.
Eight
Carson
“Are you ready for the semester to start?” We’re having Sunday dinner with my family the night before classes start. My parents keep tip-toeing around the big C word, unsure if talking about it makes them rude or not talking about it makes them rude.
“Yes, I’m taking a heavier course load this year to make up for what I missed last year.”
Since Maddox didn’t know how his treatments would go, he didn’t want to overwhelm himself with classes. But since he’s doing better, he wants to get back on track.
“So, you’re not like, dying then?”
“Flynn Elizabeth Fletcher, go to your room. Now.” With an eye roll and a sinister sneer, my baby sister runs up the stairs before I’m able to rip her back down by her black hair.
“Maddox, I am so sorry about that.” If my mother were wearing pearls she’d be clutching them.
“No, it’s fine. It’s refreshing, really. Everyone keeps treating me with kid gloves and it’s unnecessary. I have cancer and it’s okay. Everything is under control and my treatments are stable. It could happen to anyone.” He takes a bite of roast and my brother leans in and whispers something in his ear. Maddox laughs but shakes his head.
After my sister’s outburst, the rest of dinner flies by without incident. We stay to have cinnamon buns for dessert and head out before it gets too late.
“What did Lucas say to you earlier?”
My boyfriend is driving us home and I can’t help but pry. If my brother said something stupid I’m going to make Maddox turn this car around and take us back so I can kick Lucas’ ass.
“He asked if I wanted any pot. He’s heard it helps cancer patients.” A laugh escapes me. Of course, my stoner brother woul
d ask that. In a way it makes me smile knowing he’s willing to share his beloved stash with my boyfriend.
Instead of getting high on weed, we use other chemicals to enjoy the fruits of life. Ones that get released during the purest, most primal acts of life. We make love, long into the night like we do most nights. We don’t plan to waste a minute of this life we’re building together.
҉ ҉ ҉
We fall into a routine and although it’s comfortable, it’s not boring. Not a minute of this life that I spend with Maddox is boring. For our one year anniversary, we take a staycation over Labor Day Weekend. We rent a place by the beach and spend our days together, falling more in love.
Each and every visit to the doctors is anxiety-inducing. Good news only means we’re buying ourselves more time until our next appointment, though I’d never tell Maddox these thoughts. I’m waiting for the worst case scenario, the shoe to drop, the inevitable bad news to break the wall of our comfortable existence.
I let my guard down and I let my heart open up to the possibility of a cure.
We have Christmas with our families. We make vacation plans and we study together. He starts planning a huge birthday bash for me, way too far in advance, to make up for last year. I tell him he should wait for next year, until my twenty-first birthday, but he won’t hear it.
The months pass with no progression.
Until they don’t.
I told Maddox to go to the doctor when I noticed a large bruise appear on his side. I was trying to be cautiously optimistic, but I wanted him to get checked out, just to be sure. I wasn’t expecting the worst.
“I’m sorry to tell you, but the treatments we’re currently using don’t seem to be sustaining your progress. The tumor cells, though slow growing, are building on top of one another, making them bigger. It’s a common occurrence for this type of cancer, but don’t let that scare or deter you. I recommend starting up chemotherapy again.”
Dr. Kalinsky leaves, giving us and his parents privacy to discuss his options. I know he’s going to start treatment again because he doesn’t want to lose me. He won’t give up on us or life that easily, not when the odds say he can beat this.
“Don’t worry, sweetheart, we’ll get through this. You can beat this.” His mom rubs his back though her voice is thick and she keeps blinking her eyes, probably to keep the tears at bay.
“I don’t know if I want to go through with that again.” I think my neck snaps from how fast I turn my head to stare at my boyfriend.
“What are you talking about?” his mom and I ask at the exact same time.
“Chemo itself about killed me. It’s painful and grueling and I hate having you guys see me like that.”
“I’d rather see you that way and still be alive than the alternative,” I tell him. My tears are falling at the ridiculousness coming from his mouth. He can’t think this way.
“I need to think about it. If I go through with it, I’m dropping out of school. I can’t do both again. You saw what it did to me last time. I can go back to school when I beat this.”
We can discuss things more when we get back home and I plan to, but once we step over the threshold, Maddox has other plans.
He shuts the door behind me and pushes me up against it. His fingers dig into my waist and he kisses me like it’s the last time our lips will ever touch.
His lips bruise mine with an unmatchable passion. I moan into his mouth as he picks me up. His groin connects with mine, rubbing in all the right spots as he carries me back to our bedroom.
“I don’t want to talk tonight. I just want to be with you.” I nod and he places me on the bed.
He climbs on the bed after me and rips my clothes off faster than I thought possible. My shirt and pants are on the floor before I can blink. My stomach quivers at my boyfriend’s intensity and a wolfish grin takes over his face.
Seeing him this happy is all I’ve ever wanted. I hope he doesn’t give up on us. I pray that’s not what tonight is about.
He nips his way from my lips, down my neck to my breasts, offering up equal attention to each peak. Still, he goes further south until he’s face to face with my mound, his breath tickling my light smattering of pubic hair.
“I love you.” He tells me, his lips inches from my sweet spot.
“I love—holy fuck.” His mouth lands on me, drinking from me like he’s been dehydrated since the beginning of time. His tongue teases me, fucking me gently.
“Maddox.” I breathe his name like a prayer and despite our sins, I hope God answers them. Don’t take him from me, I say through a moan. I need him, my cries say.
His mouth finds my clit, sucking on the sensitive nub and when he drives a finger into my core, I fall. My orgasm consumes me just like our life has thus far. Everything about Maddox is overwhelming yet perfect. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
When he enters me, everything in the world is right. I feel centered. Stable. Our bodies move in sync, writhing against one another like we were made for the other.
We thrust together, working each other up, chasing orgasms like we need them to breathe. The tempo increases and as I call out his name, I come harder than I ever have. He’s right behind me, staining me from the inside out, ruining me for anyone else.
There will never be anyone else for me. There will only be him.
He’s ruined me in the best way. It’s a sweet fate I’d wish for everyone—the blissful chaos known as love. I want to stay ruined if it means keeping him forever.
Nine
Carson
He hasn’t made a decision yet. As every day, minute, second passes, we’re losing time and Maddox doesn’t seem concerned. He’s carrying on like normal, attending classes and making last minute plans for my birthday. Well, I have a plan of my own and it will be just the thing to push him in the right direction.
I lean in to whisper into the ear that’s not pressed against his phone. “Let’s drive down and take a walk on the beach.” Living on the coast, I try to visit the beach as often as possible. It’s my safe haven and being there calms me.
My boyfriend looks at me like I’m crazy, but I keep pushing. “Baby, I need to talk to you.” He kisses me on the cheek as he passes, his phone still pressed to his ear.
“Can it wait? I have a few more people to call.”
“No, it can’t.” At my tone, he hangs up the phone and placates me.
“Okay, I’m off the phone, but can we just stay home? It’s freezing outside.” Sometimes I tend to forget he’s more frail than I am, so I nod.
His genuine smile turns forced as I stare into his eyes, tears budding in my baby blues. His body tenses, freezing in time as his amber eyes study my face. “I need you to start your treatments again.” My voice breaks despite my best attempts to maintain composure.
“Carson, I can’t talk about this with you.” He shakes his head and runs a hand through his auburn hair.
I tug on the ends of my hair, nervous about what I have to tell him because I don’t know how he’s going to react. “I’ve noticed, but you can’t avoid me forever.”
“What if I don’t want to do the treatments again?” His voice is low, gruff, and full of unshed emotion.
“Well, that’s just not okay with us.” A small smile forms on my lips, but he doesn’t get it.
“Us? You’re teaming up with my parents now? I know how you all feel about this, but it’s my life.”
“It’s not just your life anymore.”
“What are you talking about?” His exasperation makes me laugh.
“Baby, I’m pregnant.”
He falls back into the couch and tugs on his short hair. “What? How? We were so careful.” I didn’t expect him to jump for joy, but I was hoping for some kind of reaction other than confusion.
“It’s our New Year’s miracle.” I never wanted to be a teenage mom. We both have vast plans and things we want to accomplish, but we both know life doesn’t work that way. The world doesn’t care about our pla
ns.
I take his hands in mine and wait for the shock to wear off. His face is frozen with wide eyes and an open mouth.
“Baby? Are you okay?” I poke him and he doesn’t move. I’m tempted to call 9-1-1 or at the very least, his parents.
“I’m going to be a dad?” Tears form in his almond eyes and my smile breaks through my worry.
I nod. “We’re going to be parents. I know we’re young and it’s crazy and we have so much going on. But…I want this. I didn’t know it until this moment, but there’s nothing I want more.”
Except for us to be a family together forever.
I sit beside him and kiss him. A laugh bubbles up out of him and we part. He stands and offers me his hand. I take it and he pulls me up and into his arms.
We sway side-to-side, dancing to the music in our heads. He alternates holding me close with pulling back and glancing down at my stomach.
“You were right,” I tell him.
“I usually am, but what do you mean?” I laugh at his easy confidence.
“When we first met you told me you were a good dancer. You were right.” His smile is broad. He pulls away after a minute and reaches to grab his phone.
“Excuse me, I need to make a phone call.” I assume he’s off to make more party arrangements or adjustments based on the news, but instead, I hear the best sentence I could’ve asked for. “Yes, can I have Dr. Kalinsky’s office? I need to make an appointment.”
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“Did you know there are over 87,000 Americans waiting for an organ transplant right now?” While I tend to like all of Maddox’s fun facts, this one is particularly morose seeing as we’re at his first round of chemo…again.
“That’s morbid and not particularly fun. Don’t you have any uplifting facts to share today?” The facts he shares seem to mimic his mood. A depressing fact speaks volumes for where his head is at, which is upsetting considering what lies ahead for us today.
“Come here.” I get off my chair and walk over to him and lean low, assuming he’s going to whisper something in my ear. “Kiss me.”
Selfless (A Carolina Coastal Novel Book 1) Page 4
