Too Fast

by Alexia Haynes

  The tears flowed faster at the concern in her voice.

  “I don’t think you can drive. This is my fault. Please let me help.”

  I dug in my pocket for my phone and handed it to her. She stepped back and shut the door. I didn’t need to hear what she was saying. I couldn’t get a grip on my aguish no matter how hard I tried.

  My wretched agony hadn’t abated any when Madison tapped on the car window. “Sweetie, I’m here. Can you get out and walk to my car? We’ll get you home.”

  My God. How had I gotten to the point that this man could devastate me so completely? He may not have been in love with me, but I knew from the unbearable pain that I loved him. What a fool I was to love this man. I’d protected my heart for twenty years, and I’d thrown that all away for a guy I’d met at a party and crawled right into bed with.

  “Savannah?”

  Madison was waiting for me. I nodded and pushed the door wider so I could climb out. Madison took my hand in hers and led me to her car. “Let’s get you home and we can figure this out.”

  I got into her car and was vaguely aware of Nat handing me my phone and my purse.

  “I’m so sorry,” Nat said.

  “Thanks for calling, Natalie.” Madison started the car.

  Madison got me settled into my room and brought me some bottled water.

  On Tuesday evening, I rolled over to find her sitting at my desk, watching me.

  “You’ve been in here for forty-eight hours.”

  I nodded. My eyes were swollen and painfully dry. My throat was raw. My stomach churned and my chest ached.

  She handed me another bottle of water. I unscrewed the cap and took a few long sips. Then I screwed the cap back on and collapsed on the bed, letting the water bottle roll onto the mattress.

  “Did he tell you about finding Natalie and her friends?”

  I nodded.

  “Natalie called me and told me all about it. She’s worried about you.”

  She should be worried. I was worried about myself. I had never experienced anything like this despair, and I couldn’t imagine living through it.

  “This is the first time you’ve been in love, isn’t it?”

  I just blinked.

  “You will survive it, Savannah. It gets better with time. The hurt will fade, and you will be able to do something besides cry.”

  She sounded as if she had experience with heartbreak. The thought made me sadder. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

  Madison nodded. “You can’t stay in here. You have to go to class in the morning, and you have to go to work. I called Sophie, and she’s on her way over.”

  God. I’d been so wrapped up in Luke that I’d ignored my best friend.

  “She’s bringing ice cream, and we’re going to sit in the living room. After you take a shower. We’re going to sit and talk and call Luke names, and you are going to start healing.”

  “Did Natalie say anything else?”

  Madison’s expression turned to pity. “She doesn’t think he’ll change his mind. And her mother is getting released on Saturday.”

  I waited for the big, fat teardrops to form, but my body didn’t have any moisture left to give.

  “Get in the shower and wash your hair.” Madison stood. “Sophie said she’d wrestle you in fully clothed if she had to.”

  Oh crap. I guess I was going to take a shower.

  “Sophie, I’m not ready for this,” I whined on Friday night. She insisted on dragging me out to hear some bands play.

  “You can be miserable with me or you can be miserable sitting at home. I choose me.”

  I rolled my eyes.

  “You look great, Savannah.”

  She’d done my hair and make-up and forced me into my little black dress and a pair of heels.

  “The guys are going to be hitting on you tonight.”

  “I don’t want to deal with anybody hitting on me.”

  “When you fall off the horse…”

  “I don’t want another horse…guy. I just want to stop hurting and focus on school and work.”

  “I know, honey.” She stopped her primping and asked, “Do you really want to stay home?”

  “Yes, but I know I shouldn’t.”

  “So you’ll come out?”

  I nodded.

  As I sat in the crowded club sipping a bottle of beer, I gave in to the urge to check my phone. I knew he wasn’t going to call or text. And yet, I couldn’t believe he wasn’t going to reach out to me at some point. And every time I checked my phone and was disappointed, which was every few minutes, my heart got stomped on again. I had to give up hope and accept that it was over.

  Luke

  I hadn’t slept in days. I’d run out of Jägermeister on Sunday night, and I hadn’t slept since. I’d tossed and turned. I’d taken over-the-counter sleep remedies. I’d tried two different homeopathic formulas. Nothing worked. Hot showers, chamomile tea, warm milk. I lay awake every night until five or six and finally drifted off only to hear my alarm wailing at seven.

  Now I watched the digital clock slowly tick its way from midnight to four a.m.

  I couldn’t keep going like this. I had to get some sleep. It had gotten so bad that I couldn’t trust my driving. I’d had Jenny pick up Nat this morning to take her to school. Then I’d chugged some Monsters and driven to work.

  I missed her. Of course I did. I couldn’t have her though. I had to get over her and focus on Nat. With Mom at home things would be a nightmare.

  Bill had told me to stay home on Saturday. He’d brought me a bottle of Melatonin to help me sleep, but it didn’t work.

  I woke at eight a.m. My best guess was that I had gotten about three hours of sleep. I didn’t have to be anywhere this morning, but I couldn’t get back to sleep.

  “Luke,” Nat said.

  I didn’t know when she’d come in the room.

  “Call her.”

  “No.”

  “You need her, Luke. You love her.”

  “I can’t have her.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I can’t, Nat.”

  “She loves you too.”

  I didn’t answer. After a long while, I heard Nat leave the garage.

  I closed my eyes, but I didn’t sleep.

  Savannah

  “Did you check out that drummer last night?” Sophie asked as I scrambled some eggs for our breakfast.

  “No.”

  “He was hunky.”

  Wait. Sophie had checked out a guy? This was a big deal. Even in my depressed state, I knew that something huge was happening. “You and Shane are taking another break?” Her so-called boyfriend had been stringing her along for years. She’d been so committed to her feelings for him that she had just put up with it.

  “Yeah.”

  “And you actually checked out the drummer last night?”

  “He was hard to miss.”

  I turned off the stove and scooped the eggs onto our plates. Then I sat at the table and gave Sophie my full attention. “Tell me.”

  She took a sip of her orange juice, but I saw the grin she was trying to hide.

  Holy crap! She had it bad for this guy.

  “Did you talk to him?”

  She nodded. There was that grin again. “I met him during their break. When I went to find the bathroom.”

  I should have remembered, but I didn’t. I hadn’t paid attention to anything last night. I’d been caught up in my own misery.

  “I was looking for the bathroom and I literally ran into Logan.”

  “Did you get his number?”

  “No, but I know when they are playing again.”

  “Then we will be there.”

  Luke

  “Do you want me to drive, Luke? You look kind of sick.”

  “No. I’m okay, Nat.”

  We were almost to the hospital to pick up our mother. The dizziness was worse today. It hadn’t been this intense or lasted this long yesterday.

  “I
don’t think you really are okay,” Nat said when I clipped the curb turning into the hospital entrance.

  Mom was supposed to be waiting at the discharge door. If she wasn’t ready to go, I wouldn’t make it.

  I pulled up to the door, and Mom came out, rolling a suitcase behind her.

  Nat jumped out and hugged her. Then she put Mom’s suitcase in the back seat and climbed in beside it.

  My mother got in the passenger seat. As soon as she was buckled in, I drove away from the prying eyes of the discharge nurse. I circled the building and pulled into a space.

  “Are you sick, Luke?”

  “He can’t sleep,” Nat said.

  “Can you drive?” I asked my mother. “Safely?”

  “Yes,” she said. “I can get us home. Do you need a doctor?”

  “No,” I snapped.

  “I know what he needs,” my sister said.

  As soon as Mom put the car in drive, I leaned against the passenger seat and let the blackness claim me.

  Savannah

  I’d redeemed myself by working a double today when the theater manager begged me to help. Being a valued employee was the norm for me, and I hated that I’d let a man take that away. I’d missed two days of work and left early on another. Crying at work was inexcusable.

  I sighed as I walked out to my car. It was okay now. I’d proven that I was the reliable worker they needed.

  When I reached my car, my phone was vibrating in my pocket. I had managed to go an hour at a time today without checking. I should ignore this call until I got home. I climbed behind the wheel and started the car. It would be a good test to go all the way home without seeing who had called.

  Of course, it was ten-thirty on a Sunday night. It could be important.

  The phone started vibrating again as I pulled it from my pocket.

  Madison.

  “Hey,” I answered. “What’s wrong?”

  “Natalie just tried to get you. She thought you were ignoring her.”

  “No. I wouldn’t.” Actually, I just might, but I hadn’t, and that was what mattered. “Is she okay?”

  “She thinks Luke hasn’t slept in a week. She’s worried.”

  Oh. Luke didn’t want me. He might need me, but he hadn’t called. He hadn’t asked her to call.

  “Savannah? Are you there?”

  I leaned my forehead against the steering wheel. “I’m here.”

  “Do you want me to take you over there to see him?”

  “Madison, do you think I should go? Do you think I can do anything to help? Because I’m not exactly dying to get rejected again. I think he’s made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want me in his life.”

  Madison hesitated. “I’m not sure if it will make any difference for him or not, but I do think it will help Natalie.”

  Dammit.

  “And if you can do something that helps her without hurting yourself,” she continued. “Then I think you should.”

  No way would I get out of there without getting hurt. I’d managed to go almost two whole days without crying. I closed my eyes and thought about Nat. She had been through so much, and unlike her brother, she’d never wronged me. I took a deep breath. “Text her that I’m on my way.”

  “Do you want me to meet you?”

  With a resolute sigh, I said, “No. She can text you to come get me if things go bad.”

  “I’m sorry, Savannah.”

  “So am I,” I said, and I ended the call.

  The streets were pretty much deserted as I drove over to Luke’s house. I was exhausted, and I’d worked the second shift in the concession stand, which meant I stunk of popcorn. I needed a shower, and a bed, but even if I turned my back on Nat, I wouldn’t be able to go home and sleep.

  When I pulled into the driveway, my heart ached at the sight of his SUV. Seeing Luke wasn’t going to be easy if his vehicle did this to me.

  I started toward the garage when Nat called my name from the front door. I’d only used the door to help carry out the mess his mother had made. I changed direction and went up on the patio to Nat.

  “Thank you, Savannah,” she said and threw her arms around me.

  I hugged her back.

  “Thank you so much for coming,” a woman’s voice said, and I looked up from Nat to see her mother.

  “This is my mom,” Nat said. “We brought her home yesterday.”

  Suddenly faced with an introduction to Luke’s mother, I searched frantically for something to say. What did I say to someone who’d made life so hard for her children? What was the appropriate greeting for a woman who’d spent weeks in the hospital while her son struggled to make life normal for his sister? “Hi,” I said.

  “Nat thought you might be able to help.” The woman had her arms crossed tightly over her chest as if she were cold or frightened. “She doesn’t think he’s slept all week.” She shook her head. “We don’t know what else to do.”

  “He doesn’t sleep, but then he gets dizzy and sick. He’s out for a few minutes, and then he’s wide awake and miserable again.” Natalie’s eyes filled with tears. “If you can just get him to sleep, Savannah. I know he was mean to you, but I don’t know how to help him.”

  Standing in the doorway to this house where ugly things had happened, watching the two women, one older, one younger, but both weaker than I, I realized that I was going to have to take charge. “I’ll get him to sleep,” I said. I moved forward into the house and went to the door to the garage.

  They stood, two pairs of sad eyes watching me.

  “Stay here. I’ll handle it.” I opened the door and stepped into Luke’s apartment.

  Before I closed the door behind me, I saw confirmation of their fears. Dirty clothes lay in heaps on the floor, and something from the pile of dishes in the sink spread a rotten stench across the room.

  Luke sat on the side of his bed, his head in his hands. He wore nothing but boxers.

  As I moved closer, he looked up at me.

  The dark circles under his eyes, the resigned look he gave me, the bleak posture as he said my name…

  The evidence of his misery made me forget my needs and focus on his.

  “Luke, what have you done to yourself?”

  I went and sat on the bed, but he didn’t move other than to shake his head.

  “I can’t sleep.”

  “Are you eating? Drinking?”

  He didn’t answer. I should have asked Nat. I wasn’t sure if Luke knew the answers or not.

  “C’mon,” I said, crawling onto the bed and laying my head on one of the pillows. “Come here.”

  Luke didn’t argue. He just slid up beside me, so that I was spooning his back.

  I wrapped my arm around him and held him tight. “It’s okay, Baby. It’s okay.”

  When his breathing grew steady and even, I knew he’d fallen asleep. I’d stay a little longer to be sure he didn’t wake up too soon. I yawned and snuggled closer, tucking my legs up against him.

  I woke in the darkness and let his warm body lull me back to sleep.

  Then morning came and Nat shook me awake. “Savannah,” she whispered. “You did it! But I don’t want you to miss class.”

  With a sleepy nod, I answered, “Thank you.”

  “No, thank you.” Nat skipped off into the house.

  I willed myself to get up.

  Luke rolled over toward me, and I froze, hoping he was still asleep. His eyes met mine, inches away on the other pillow. “Thank you,” he whispered.

  Oh God, I still loved him. I wanted him to kiss me, to make love to me, and to tell me he’d never let me go.

  “It doesn’t change anything,” I said, but it wasn’t a statement. It was a question, and I was desperate to beg him to tell me it did. It doesn’t change anything, does it? Does it?

  My heart stopped as I waited for him to speak.

  “You should go,” he said.

  And just like that my heart began to hemorrhage as another dagger slashed through it.


  Chapter Fifteen

  Luke

  My mother sent Nat in to invite me to eat dinner with them. I couldn’t disappoint my little sister.

  “I’m so glad you got some sleep,” my mother said when I walked into the kitchen. “Sit down. Nat and I made some baked chicken and vegetables.”

  “We did good, Luke,” Nat said with hope in her voice. “I think the potatoes are perfect.”

  “Sounds great,” I said. I had finally slept, but it didn’t ease the fog of exhaustion or the ache in my heart at all I had lost.

  “Your girlfriend seems nice,” my mother said.

  “Mom,” Nat whispered. “I told you they broke up.”

  “She loves you, Luke,” my mother said. “She’s good to your sister. She was even kind to me this morning.”

  I started cutting up the potato and ignored her.

  “You deserve her, Luke.”

  “Mom,” Nat urged. “Don’t push him.”

  “Luke, put down that fork and look at me.”

  Were we really going to do this now? Seriously? “Dammit, Mom! What do you want from me? I’m at the goddamn table. I’m trying to eat in this room and pretend I haven’t dealt with all the bullshit I’ve dealt with in here!” I stood and shoved my chair back so hard it fell over and smacked the floor.

  My mother stood too. “I know it’s been hard, but you deserve a piece of happiness for yourself. Savannah looks to be that happiness, so take it, son. Give it a chance!”

  Nat sniffled into her napkin.

  I clenched my fists as I struggled to contain my anger. “I can’t give it a chance. I have work and I have Nat, and I can’t handle more right now.”

  “You don’t have to take care of me anymore, Luke. And I can help with the house and be a better mother to Nat. I’ll go tomorrow and get that shot. I’ll do that so you can have the life you deserve.”

  She was making promises again, but she’d break them just when I started to hope. “I’ll believe it when I see it. Don’t talk to me about happiness! I wouldn’t fucking recognize it if I did find it.” I stormed out and slammed the garage door. Damn her for trying to pretend to be a parent for once.

  I managed to work a long day on Tuesday. Thank God for Bill. Anybody else would have fired my ass already.

  As I applied sealant to the deck, I couldn’t help thinking about Savannah. After what I’d done to her, pushing her away like she meant nothing to me, she’d come to my rescue when Nat called. She loved me. I knew that now more than ever, but what did I have to give her? And how could I take a chance on our relationship when a fifteen-year-old girl was depending on me?