Lust

by Victoria Christopher Murray

  But when Reverend Cooper turned around and walked out of that room without giving me another word nor another smile, I blew out a long breath of relief.

  “Man,” I said with my eyes still on that door, “I have the feeling that if I ever did anything to Tiffanie, there would be a price to pay.”

  I expected Trey to laugh, but all he did was shrug, then turn and follow the reverend’s footsteps. Right as he put his hand on the knob, he said, “You’re straight up now. You won’t hurt her.”

  I grinned and nodded. Trey was finally coming to an understanding of how much I’d changed and how much Tiffanie meant to me.

  He added, “I just hope you’ll be able to handle it . . . when she hurts you.” Before I could ask him what the hell he meant by that, he walked out of the room.

  22

  Tiffanie

  I’d been fine. Especially because of Sonia. The entire time as I prepared for the wedding, she stayed by my side. While my makeup was applied and my hair was styled, she kept chatting, making sure that her voice was louder than the doubts in my head. Even when the photographer arrived, Sonia stayed close, whispering, even when I was being photographed alone.

  Now, in the limo, she kept talking.

  “You love Damon.”

  “Forget about last night.”

  “It doesn’t matter because nothing happened.”

  “You love Damon.”

  It all started and ended with how much I loved Damon King. And since that was the truth, it became easy to make peace with my conscience.

  But then the car stopped in front of Greater First AME. It must’ve been seeing that house of God that turned me into a woman about to become undone.

  “Oh, come on, Tiffanie.”

  I hadn’t said a word, but Sonia knew that I was about to lose it again.

  “¿Qué quieres que te diga?”

  It took a moment for me to push back my tears and I shook my head at her question. “No, you don’t have to say anything else. I’m just . . .”

  “Ready to get married,” she finished for me.

  After a very deep inhale, I nodded.

  As the driver opened the door for us, Sonia stepped out first, and then instead of letting Damon’s driver do it, she reached for my hand. When I grabbed hers, she squeezed mine, sharing her courage.

  It was enough to get me up the steps and inside the vestibule. But it wasn’t enough to help me face my grandmother.

  “Here she is, Mama Cooper.” Sonia passed me off and then with a final squeeze and a nod, she stepped away and into the main foyer of the church.

  Standing in front of me, my grandmother looked up. And she gave me that stare, which let me know that God was telling her something.

  I stiffened, trying to stop myself from shaking as my grandmother peered into my eyes. She squinted and her expression was stern as she scrutinized me. That look was so familiar and made me tremble more. This was the expression she wore right before she gave me a scolding or a spanking.

  The seconds ticked by, one by one, and I knew, just knew, that she knew.

  But then her lips curved into a smile and now her eyes shined with tears that had not yet fallen.

  “You are my beautiful little baby.” She stood on her toes to kiss my cheek. “I have dreamed of this day for a long time, and I am so pleased because God chose the perfect man for you. I’m so proud of you.”

  When she wrapped me inside her arms, I wanted to fall to the floor and cry. She wouldn’t be pleased or proud if her radar had been working.

  Stepping back, she said, “With the Lord’s help and guidance, you’re going to be a great wife.”

  There was so much wisdom in her eyes and such surety in her tone, I had to believe her. I was going to be a great wife.

  “Thank you so much, Gram,” I said, knowing that she had no clue how much her words meant to me.

  My grandmother gave a nod to Ms. Erlene, one of the church mothers who’d known me since I’d first toddled into this church. Ms. Erlene opened the double doors that led to the sanctuary so that Sonia could step inside. The moment she took her first step forward, Ms. Erlene secured the doors so that no one would see me and my grandmother as we took our places.

  From the side table, Ms. Erlene handed me the spray of golden-yellow lilies and purple-blue irises. As I took my bouquet, she burst into an ugly cry.

  “Stop that, Erlene,” my grandmother scolded her friend. “Before you have me and Tiffanie doing the same thing.”

  Ms. Erlene nodded, though neither her tears nor her sobs stopped as the music seeped through the sanctuary doors.

  Brenda Rae was a rising R&B star whom Damon had chosen to sing, while I’d chosen the song . . . Lying safe within your arms, I’m born again . . .

  Closing my eyes, I imagined myself in Damon’s arms. I imagined how it would be from this day forward. And I asked God to please help me become the great wife that my grandmother thought I would be.

  My grandmother squeezed my hand. “Baby, are you ready?” Her voice was softer than a whisper.

  “I am. Just a little nervous.”

  The tears she’d been trying to hold back now pooled in the corners of her eyes. “Don’t worry, I’ll be right by your side until I give your hand to Damon. You’re just moving from one safe place to the next,” she told me.

  She’d said those words just in time, because the doors to the church swung open and the opening of the Bridal Chorus vibrated through the space.

  I saw the people rise as my grandmother held my hand a little tighter and I took that first step into the sanctuary. I sucked in my stomach and some more courage, too.

  We took slow steps down the aisle, and the whole time, I spoke inside my head: It was a mistake.

  With Trey.

  People make mistakes.

  And I reminded myself of the most important thing: I love Damon King with every beat of my heart.

  As I had that little talk with myself, I kept my eyes steady, not looking left, not looking right. I stayed focused on my grandfather and the golden cross that hung high on the wall behind the altar. And I prayed and prayed and prayed, keeping my eyes straight ahead.

  The closer I got to the altar, the more I felt Damon and his eyes on me. Everything inside of me yearned to shift my glance. But I couldn’t because I knew who stood next to him.

  Just a few steps after I had that thought, it became impossible to keep my eyes away, and when I saw Damon’s dimpled smile, my heart did one of those butterfly flutters before everything inside me settled down.

  But then, a little movement to the right, and just like I knew he would be, there was Trey.

  That flash in my mind:

  Me.

  Naked.

  Spread-eagle.

  Waiting.

  Wanting.

  His laughter.

  I blinked as my body heated with my embarrassment. My eyes were still on Damon, though, which meant that I could see Trey, too.

  He grinned as if he was remembering last night. Then his tongue traveled across his lips . . . slowly . . . from the right to the left.

  And I stumbled.

  “Oh,” my grandmother cried out, gripping my arm so that I didn’t hit the floor.

  The sanctuary filled with gasps and in an instant and three giant steps, Damon was by my side, helping me to stand straight and steady on my feet.

  “You okay, bae?”

  “I’m fine,” I whispered, though I was so far away from fine. I was shaking with fear and embarrassment. “The hem of my dress . . .”

  Even though I was upright, Damon moved to my other side, and both he and my grandmother escorted me the rest of the way to the altar. Then Damon took his place once again, next to Trey.

  There was concern in my grandfather’s eyes when he looked down at me
. I nodded, then gave him a smile before he finally did the same.

  Then, from nowhere: When Damon brings you in here, remember this, remember me.

  I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing that thought away. But in its place was the other one: Was Trey just waiting for this moment at our wedding to make my mortification complete?

  “I’m supposed to begin this ceremony with ‘We are gathered here today,’ ” my grandfather started, giving me a reprieve from the meltdown I was about to have. “But since this young lady who stands before me is so special, I want to say a few words that are not in here.” He raised the leather-bound book that held all of his ministerial rituals.

  “I have loved this little girl, and yes, she’s still a little girl to me, since before she was born,” my grandfather announced to the guests in the sanctuary. “And she is as special to me today as she was back on that day.” He turned just a little so that now his eyes were on Damon. “You’re getting a special gift from God. You already know the meaning of her name.”

  “Yes, sir,” Damon’s bass filled the sanctuary.

  My grandfather said, “Always remember that, always treat her that way.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  My grandfather took a couple of extra moments to stare, as if he was giving Damon a warning in front of everyone. He stared long enough for Damon to shift just a bit. And I did, too. Because Damon wasn’t the one who needed this admonishment right now.

  “I’ve said my part, so we can begin.” My grandfather and I were the only ones who didn’t laugh. After the laughter, “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here . . .”

  Like too many other times today, I wanted to cry. These words, this moment had been in my mind since I finally agreed to marry Damon and now, I couldn’t bask in the wonder of it. I couldn’t, because each word my grandfather spoke got me closer to the moment when Trey would blow up my world.

  My heart raced, my knees weakened, my hands trembled, and my bouquet shook so much that it stirred up a breeze. I was going to faint if I didn’t switch mental lanes. I had to take my mind back to what Sonia had said: Trey wouldn’t say a word. He didn’t want to get shot.

  My grandfather kept talking about the sanctity of marriage, the seriousness of this decision, but also the wonder that would come from the union of two who really loved each other.

  And all I could think about was last night.

  Please, God.

  I felt the tick of the clock.

  Please, God.

  Seconds . . . passing . . . time . . . moving . . . closer . . . to . . .

  “If anyone here has any reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

  I bowed my head.

  I closed my eyes.

  I held my breath.

  The silence went on forever.

  I prayed. Please, God.

  I prayed harder. Please. God.

  Then, “Nobody better say anything.”

  I opened only one eye and saw Damon looking over his left shoulder and then his right.

  The congregation laughed and I used the moment to start breathing again. Until my eyes betrayed me and moved to Trey. Still wearing that smirk. But I didn’t care; his chance to ruin my life, at least at this moment, had passed.

  “Well, you all heard my grandson,” my grandfather boomed. “So let’s get to the good part. Let’s get these two young people married.”

  There was light applause before my grandfather kept on.

  “This is a covenant you are about to declare before God.”

  A covenant. A pledge. A bond that was meant never to be broken.

  My grandfather said, “Do you both understand that?”

  “Yes,” Damon and I said together, though his voice was stronger and louder than mine.

  “All right, then.” My grandfather looked down at my grandmother and smiled through his next words. “Who gives this woman to be married to this man?”

  My grandmother turned to me and said, “I do.” Then she looked at my grandfather. “Well, you, too. I guess I should’ve included you.”

  There was more laughter as my grandmother gave my hand to Damon and placed a feather-soft kiss on my cheek.

  As my grandmother sat, I handed my bouquet to Sonia. She gave me a smile that made me brave. Because now I had to face Damon. And behind Damon, Trey. Turning to the man I was minutes away from calling my husband, I kept my eyes planted on him, even though I could see half of Trey’s face over Damon’s shoulder.

  That’s all I could see. Only Trey’s left eye, his left cheek, the left side of him. I could only see half of him; half a man stood behind Damon.

  That was a message.

  Our ceremony continued, through our declaration to be with one another till only death parted us, through the vows that we’d written, and finally through the blessing of our rings.

  “Forasmuch as Damon and Tiffanie . . .”

  I breathed in.

  “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

  Damon’s lips were on mine before I could fully comprehend that it had happened.

  I relaxed into his embrace and was so happy to kiss him that I didn’t realize that we were all the way into it.

  “All right now!” my grandfather said.

  To laughter, we pulled apart and I stared at the man that I loved so much. I couldn’t help it . . . I kissed him again. The sanctuary filled with chortles and applause and when I stepped back, I laughed, too.

  “Ladies and gentleman, I present to you for the first time Mr. and Mrs. Damon King.”

  I could’ve jumped ten, fifteen, twenty feet into the air. Damon took my hand and we stroll-dapped down the aisle as Prince’s voice filled the sanctuary.

  Could you be the most beautiful girl in the world

  It’s plain to see you’re the reason that God made a girl . . .

  My grandfather had raised his eyebrows when Damon told him we wanted to dance out to a Prince song. But once he’d listened to the words, he approved the song and then only asked, “What’s this dap dance you want to do?”

  I laughed now as I remembered that, and my laughter became louder when I looked over at my husband.

  My husband.

  He grinned and when we got to the end of the aisle, he pulled me close and kissed me again, to the applause and the approval of all who’d come to share this day with us.

  Then I heard “Hey, can I get one of those hugs?”

  Beside us stood Trey, with Sonia on his arm. I’d forgotten that she had to walk down the aisle with him, and I was surprised that Trey was still alive.

  But then, it was like my girl had forgotten everything I’d been through. Because all she did was grin, nod, hug me, and then turn to Damon.

  Leaving me there alone to hug Trey!

  I wanted to kill her.

  I wanted to kill him.

  My plan was to give Trey one of those Sunday church hugs, where I stand about two feet away, give him two taps on his back, and then walk away without even another glance, never to talk to or touch him again.

  But as Sonia turned to Damon, Trey wrapped his arms around me, pulled me close, and whispered, “That was some show you gave me last night. Can’t wait to do it again.”

  He leaned back, stood there, and grinned. I wanted to slap him with everything in me, but I was smart enough to hold back, since that act would be hard to explain.

  So I had to just stand there. And glare. And watch his smirk, then hear his laughter as he was the one to turn and walk away from me.

  “Bae.”

  I had to blink away my anger before I looked at Damon. “Huh?”

  “You okay?”

  “Of course,” I said, kissing him before he took my hand. “I’m married to you, right? So, of course I’m okay.”

 
But as Damon led me out of the sanctuary, I had doubts that I would ever be okay again—at least not as long as Trey was in DC.

  I was going to have to do something. I wasn’t sure what, but the same way I’d just taken this vow to love and honor Damon, I was making another vow. No matter what I had to do, Trey Taylor was going to be out of my life. And out of Damon’s life, too.

  23

  Tiffanie

  Our reception felt like a repeat of last night’s dinner, only grander. Today we were in the Skyline Terrace, the ballroom on the top floor of the Willard. The windows, which completely encircled the room, had a Western view and our wedding had been timed so that we’d have a sunset reception.

  The fifty tables, each with seating for ten, were draped with white silk and chiffon and displayed identical centerpieces—two black angels with their hands raised to the heavens.

  That’s exactly how I felt—as if I were in heaven. Even with Trey on the other side of Damon as we sat at the head table, it didn’t matter, because God had already answered my prayers. He’d assuaged my guilt, He’d kept Trey silent during the ceremony, and so I knew that He would give me what I needed to make Trey go poof! once all this was over.

  But for now, I was able to bask in this evening that had seemed only possible in a dream. My husband led me to the floor for our first dance and we swayed to the band, who did a hella rendition of “Adore.” And then, as our guests enjoyed the first course of the five that would be their dinner, we angled through the tables, greeting each of our guests and thanking them for coming.

  And we thanked them for their contributions to the United Negro College Fund. It had been my idea to do that in lieu of gifts that we didn’t need, and I was so proud because we’d raised more than $75,000.

  By the time Damon and I returned to our table, the third course was being served, but I pushed the arugula salad aside to enjoy the grilled shrimp cocktail that had been placed on the table first. I laughed as Damon decided that he needed to feed me, and when he lifted the shrimp to my lips, I played with it with my tongue.

  He moaned and I licked.