Fighting for Keeps

by Jennifer Snow

  “Give them some time...they are going to need each other through this,” Luke said, turning away quickly and covering his eyes.

  The sight of his strength finally wavering reduced both women to even more of a mess.

  Quickly pulling himself together, Luke cleared his throat and wiped his eyes. “I’ll go get the girls,” he said, taking the stairs two at a time.

  Lindsay set the cup aside and forced several deep breaths.

  “I can’t believe this is actually happening,” Victoria said, her voice sounding far away.

  “I know.” Nothing about the past eight hours felt real. There was so much to be done, yet she didn’t think she had the strength to stand, let alone make funeral arrangements and contact the remaining family and friends.

  Luke had also taken care of calling her parents, who’d booked seats on a plane to Newark that day. She supposed she would have to go pick them up.

  The front door to the B and B opened, but neither woman looked up. The idea of a guest arriving to check in hadn’t occurred to Lindsay.

  Life didn’t go on after a tragedy like this, did it?

  “Hi,” Noah said, walking in. He gave her shoulder a squeeze, but she barely felt it. “I wanted to stop by...see if there was anything I could do.”

  She cleared her throat and forced her voice not to break as she said, “No, I don’t think so.” The problem was there was too much to do, too much she didn’t want to do...all things she couldn’t hand off to anyone else.

  “What about your parents?” Victoria said suddenly. “Maybe Noah should go with you to pick them up from the airport.”

  “I can do that,” he said quickly.

  “No...it’s okay.”

  “I don’t think you should drive,” Luke said, coming back downstairs, a toddler in each arm.

  At the sight of the smiling, oblivious girls, Lindsay’s knees started to shake and she bit back the emotions strangling her.

  They would be too young to even remember their parents. Somehow she had to make sure they would know them as they grew up without them.

  Another thing she had no idea how to do.

  Noah sat next to her and accepted one of the girls from Luke, bouncing her gently on his knee. “It’s decided, then. I’ll drive you to pick up your parents.”

  She had no fight in her to argue. Besides, it was probably a good idea. In her trance-like haze, anyone else would be safer behind the wheel.

  Their family didn’t need another senseless tragedy.

  * * *

  “DAMN,” LINDSAY MUTTERED in the passenger seat of her Jeep as Noah took the exit onto the highway leading toward Newark.

  Asking what’s wrong seemed like a dumb question that day, as nothing in the world felt right, so he placed a hand on her arm. “It’s going to be okay,” he said before realizing that didn’t sound much better. He had no idea if things were going to be okay. All he did know for sure was that he would be by her side through it all—whatever she needed. “I’m sorry.”

  “No...um...thank you. I just realized I need to make another call and I left my cell at the B and B.”

  “Do you know the number? You can borrow mine.” He handed it to her.

  “It’s long distance.”

  “It’s fine. Go ahead...please.”

  “You sure?” She hesitated before starting to dial.

  “Make a hundred if you need to, sweetheart,” he said, squeezing her arm, before turning his attention to the road to give her as much so-called privacy as possible.

  He was so glad she hadn’t insisted on making this drive alone. Her mismatched flip-flops—one pink, one purple—further confirmed the fact she wasn’t thinking with a clear mind. How could she be? Her brother and sister-in-law had just died, leaving five small children in her care. At least he’d assumed, as their godparent, she’d be their new legal guardian, as well. A position everyone prayed they never had to step into when they agreed to such an important place in a child’s life.

  “Hello...Ben,” she said a moment later.

  Ben? He wasn’t sure who that was and he ignored the slight pull of jealousy in his chest.

  “Yeah...I had fun the other night, too...” she mumbled, shooting a quick glance at Noah who pretended to be checking signs along the road. “Um, listen. I have to tell you something...about Nathan.”

  Less than a minute later, after she had haltingly told him the bad news, she sat staring at the phone in her hand. “He hung up.”

  “What?” Noah took the phone from her and tucked it into his pocket.

  “That was Nathan’s friend—his business partner—in Newark. He hung up.”

  “Did he say anything before he did?”

  She shook her head.

  Noah wasn’t an expert on the complexity of human emotions, but he could guess the meaning of this reaction. “He’s probably in shock, like the rest of us.”

  She stared out the window in silence and he longed to pull over and wrap his arms around her. Instead he opened a bottle of water he’d brought along and handed it to her.

  She took a sip before speaking. “He’s the children’s godfather.”

  “Ben?”

  “Yeah. He and Na—my brother went to university together. They started Walker Harper Developments, a property development company, five years ago. I can’t believe he hung up like that.”

  Noah sighed as he reached across and took her hand in his. “Isn’t it the reaction we all would have liked to have had?”

  She held his hand tight, her gaze still out the window. “I guess so. But, surely, after a moment to digest it, you’d call back?” She let out a deep breath as she leaned her head back against the seat. “I don’t think it’s even fully sunk in yet, you know?”

  Noah nodded. He did. Even seeing the accident site the night before hadn’t made it more real.

  “I keep expecting to wake up from this horrible nightmare.”

  He nodded again, feeling useless. He had no idea what to say or even if she wanted him to say anything.

  “We weren’t close,” she said after a long minute of silence. “We were so different, it was always hard to find common ground. That doesn’t mean I didn’t love him.” Her voice broke and tears gathered in her eyes.

  His heart ached for her. Brushing her hair away from her face, he wiped the tears from her cheek. “I’m sure he knew that.”

  “I’m not,” she whispered.

  * * *

  LINDSAY SAT ACROSS from her parents in the sitting area of the B and B the next morning, the bomb they’d dropped on her too much to take so soon after Nathan’s death. “Do we really need to discuss this right now?”

  “The sooner the better,” her mother said calmly.

  Her father’s gaze hadn’t shifted from the gazebo in the backyard and it was hard to tell if he was even listening. He wasn’t going to be of any help with her mother, not that he’d ever really stood up for what he’d wanted. Since his stroke the year before, he didn’t speak, and today he didn’t even seem to be in the same room.

  Lindsay took a sip of her coffee. Her hand shaking, she spilled it down the side of the cup. She stood to get a napkin, but her mother caught her by the arm. “Leave it.”

  She tensed, memories of her mother’s temper flashing in her mind. Growing up, they’d walked on eggshells around her, not sure if her ever-changing mood would earn them a hug or a smack.

  She sat, feeling like a child again. She’d known having her parents here would only cause her more stress and anguish.

  She hadn’t expected comfort at this difficult time.

  She also hadn’t expected their immediate launch into the children’s future living situation. “Look, Mom, I really don’t know what the best thing—”

  �
��We are the best thing,” she said, her tone leaving no room for argument.

  Lindsay seriously doubted that. How her sixty-year-old mother thought she could raise five children and take care of a husband with failing health was a mystery to her. And that she really thought they were the best choice of guardians over her was another knife to the chest. “The will states—”

  Her mother scoffed. “The will is a piece of paper, Lindsay.”

  She cringed at the way her mother said her name. Lindsay. Condescending, demeaning, as if she was stupid. Maybe she was, but she could barely think straight enough to get out of bed in the morning, how did her mother expect her to make any decisions right now? Why was it so important to decide anything right now?

  “Look at your life. You work long hours and then you go out—everyone knows you like to have fun. You’re thirty-five-years old and not a long-term relationship to your credit. Nathan told me about that Facebook account.” She tutted.

  Her brother’s never-ending search for approval from their mother had often extended to using their mutual disdain for her life choices as a common bond.

  “That was a mistake.”

  “There’s always a mistake or someone else to blame. You have to start taking responsibility for your actions. And until you do, how do you plan to be a guardian to these kids?” She shook her head. “They’d be better off with Ben.”

  A large lump gathered at the back of Lindsay’s throat. She forced it down. “You mean Nathan’s business partner and best friend who hung up on me yesterday and hasn’t even called back, let alone arrived?” The funeral was scheduled for the next afternoon.

  “No doubt you made him feel unwelcome.”

  Why did she even bother?

  “He’s such a wonderful man...I can’t imagine what you could have said to make him feel that way.”

  Enough. She couldn’t take any more. Standing, she picked up her coffee cup. “I’m out. I can’t have this conversation right now.”

  “Grow up, Lindsay. You can’t keep running away when things get tough.” Her mother’s voice tore a hole through her as she walked from the room and continued out onto the front deck.

  She took a deep breath once the door closed behind her. A desperate need to run away, and confirm her mother’s opinion of her, made her stomach turn. Exhausted, she sat on the front step and set her coffee cup next to her. She’d barely eaten anything in two days and even the coffee was making her feel nauseous. Leaning her head against the railing, she closed her eyes.

  Grow up.

  How many times over the years had she heard that or something like it from her mother? Yet, when she tried to ‘grow up,’ it still didn’t seem to make her mother happy. Even her decision to go into nursing had provoked her mother’s criticism.

  “You think you’re cut out for nursing?” she’d scoffed at the time, making it clear she didn’t.

  In fact Lindsay had wanted to be a doctor, but her grades would never have gotten her into med school. She would never have been able to afford the tuition anyway.

  “School has never been your strong point, Lindsay. Nathan’s the smart one.” Her mother had never hidden the fact that she had a favorite child. And after a while, Lindsay had given up trying to be like her brother.

  She wasn’t Nathan.

  “Aunt Lindsay...you okay?”

  Lindsay’s eyes flew open at the feel of a tiny hand on her shoulder, her heart racing. “Jacob?”

  “Were you asleep?” Jacob asked.

  She sat straighter, moving over to make room for the little guy. “I must have been.” She glanced at the small plastic shovel in his hand. “What are you doing out here?” She glanced around for a sign of an adult or someone the boy might have been playing with, but the yard was empty, the last guest having checked out that morning at the request of Victoria and Luke.

  “Looking for a place to plant Mom and Dad,” he said quietly.

  Lindsay frowned. She had no idea what that meant. She wasn’t sure how much the boys understood about death and the fact their parents were gone, and she didn’t know where to start to explain it further. “I’m not sure I understand.”

  “You know, like Elmer.”

  Elmer? “Sweetie, who’s Elmer?”

  “He was our guinea pig. When he died, we dug a hole and buried him right over there, and now he’s growing into that tree.” He pointed across the yard to a maple seedling standing about a foot high.

  The family had planted a tree in honor of their pet. She vaguely remembered being invited to Elmer’s funeral last year, but she’d had to work.

  “So, where do you think?” He stood and scanned the yard.

  She pulled him to her and gave him a big hug. “Hey, do you remember Grandpa and Grandma Connelly and how they are buried in the cemetery?”

  “Yeah, we visit them every Christmas and put flowers on the rock.”

  The headstone. She smiled sadly. “Exactly. Well, I think your mom and dad would like to be there with them.”

  He frowned and then glanced at his shovel. “But what about the tree? Grandpa and Grandma didn’t grow into a tree.”

  This was so tough. “We can plant two trees...next to Elmer...in memory of your mom and dad. Would that be okay?”

  He nodded, his sad smile returning. “I’ll go find a spot.”

  “Okay.” She watched him run off toward the maple tree.

  The sound of the screen door opening behind her made her sigh. She didn’t have the energy to go another round with her mother right now. But as she turned, it was her father who stepped outside, his gaze on Jacob.

  His speech was muffled but “You did good” was clear enough to bring tears to her eyes.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  AT THE BACK of the room, once the funeral service was over, Lindsay struggled with the desire to flee as she received the condolences of each of the Brookhollow family and friends in attendance. The overwhelming smell of lilies in the small space was making her sick.

  “I had seen them hours before...” Doug Miller was saying to her father. His wife, Marge, was nodding and repeating the same phrase: “Such a senseless tragedy.”

  On her right, her mother spoke to Father Paul, whose sermon had been as uplifting as possible, given the circumstances. To Lindsay, it had sounded as though he was making excuses. “We can never understand or question His intent,” he was saying now. She forced herself to tune out the sound of his voice.

  He was right about that. She could never—would never—understand how this had happened.

  After the Millers passed them, she turned to her mother. “I’ll be back in a few minutes. I’m going to go check on the kids.” Rachel’s cousin Leigh and her husband, Logan, were sitting with them until everyone returned to the bed-and-breakfast where Victoria and her mother had arranged for refreshments.

  She found the kids with the couple in the hallway outside the sanctuary. “Hi, guys,” she said, her voice hoarse. Crying herself to sleep every night after the kids finally settled in their parent’s bed had left her exhausted and weak.

  “They didn’t want to stay inside any longer,” Leigh said, smoothing Melissa’s hair. The girl was curled up next to her on the bench, her eyes closed, but clearly awake. The boys sat across from them with Logan, and the twins were asleep in their double stroller next to him.

  “That’s okay, I didn’t, either. You two can go now, thank you.”

  Leigh frowned. “You sure? We can help get them back to the B and B.”

  “No, I’ve got it. The rain hasn’t started yet, so I think I’ll walk back with them.”

  “What about the gravesite?” Logan asked.

  “No!” Melissa yelled, bolting upright on the seat, panicked.

  Lindsay knelt in front of her. “Shh. Don’t worry, s
weetheart, we’re not going.” She hugged her. “I think it might be too hard,” she told Leigh over her niece’s head. On the kids and also on her.

  She didn’t often attend funerals. In fact, she’d skipped both of her grandmothers’ several years earlier. To her, once people were gone, it was too late. At least with her grandmothers, there had been time and an opportunity to say goodbye.

  “Aunt Lindsay, I feel sick,” Caleb said, a hand on his stomach.

  So did she. She took his hand. “Would you like to go with Leigh and Logan in their car?”

  He nodded.

  “How about you, Jacob?”

  “I want to stay with Caleb,” the boy said sadly.

  Luke had been right. The kids had banded together over the past few days, rarely leaving their rooms. Even the babies seemed to know something was confusing and had been quieter, sleeping more during the day and waking restlessly at night.

  “The boys can come with us and we’ll meet you there?” Leigh said, standing.

  “Thanks Leigh...Logan.”

  Stepping outside a moment later, she pushed the double stroller across the full parking lot as Melissa fell into step beside her. The child who had barely spoken in three days now said, “When were you going to tell us we’re going to go live with Grandma and Grandpa?” The anger and hurt in the young voice was unmistakable.

  Lindsay stopped abruptly and stooped to Melissa’s eye level. “Nothing is decided yet.”

  She hadn’t mentioned her parents’ idea to the children because she had no idea what to do. Her parents were right: she didn’t know anything about raising children...and five had been a challenge for two parents, let alone one. But the thought of moving them to Phoenix made her nauseous.

  Rachel and Nathan had named her and Ben legal guardians, and so far no one had even heard from Ben. She brushed the anger she felt about that aside.

  “I don’t want to leave our home.”