Just an Illusion - Encore

by D. Kelly

  Jordan laughs. “Don’t give him any ideas. Remember that time he got that girl a mood ring in junior high because he wanted to see if she was horny for him?

  “Oh shit! I forgot all about that.”

  “Haha. Laugh it up, you two. That girl was in high school and the ring led the path to her bedroom where I lost my virginity. Maybe you guys should have taken notes from the master.”

  “Take notes, he says.” J passes us a couple more beers. “I bet you don’t even remember her name.”

  “You’re wrong, J, her name was Amy Madigan. A few years after we were signed, she came to one of our shows and slipped me a note during a meet and greet.”

  Darren leans forward in his seat. “I remember that. She was hot.”

  J arches a brow. “What did the note say?”

  “Basically, she wanted me to return the favor and teach her a few things.”

  J rolls his eyes. “I don’t even need to ask.”

  “We had fun that night,” Darren replies, letting J in on our secret.

  J’s eyes lock on mine, and I shrug. “Don’t act like you and Tyler haven’t shared.”

  J looks at me and shakes his head. “We haven’t, actually. I’ve had threesomes but never with Ty or Allie.”

  I’d like to say I’m surprised, but I’m not. Jordan likes to fuck, but when he has feelings for someone, he’s as faithful as they come.

  A couple of hours later, Nate and I are curled up in J’s guestroom bed. Darren offered to take the couch. It’s taking all my self-control not to call and check on Mel. Instead, I finally send her the picture of Nate and his new BFF, Fat Bastard, and of course, another song that reminds me of us.

  Depression

  The next morning, I wake up miserable. I have a recurring nightmare that Mel and I are making love, and every time my mouth gets near her Weston tattoo, she calls out Noah’s name.

  Even if my mood has been shitty since I opened my eyes, having Nate with me helps. “Wake up, Nate,” I whisper softly into his ear and tickle him. He wakes up giggling, and I swear it’s one of the best sounds in the world. Who knew belly laughs could lift spirits so much?

  “Daddy Sawyer, I gonna catch a fish today?”

  “We’re going to try to catch all the fish in the lake today. Sometimes it doesn’t happen, but I think it will for you. Your daddy was the best fisherman I knew.”

  “Daddy Noah?”

  Only recently has he been separating us by name. It used to be when we said Daddy, it was automatically Noah, but I think it’s become confusing for him. Mel thinks he’s getting close to the stage where he’s going to drop the Sawyer altogether and I’m just going to be Daddy. As much as I’m honored to mean so much to him, it kills me to see him push Noah out. I often remind myself that he doesn’t understand now, but one day he will. I’ll give Nate my undying love and attention, but Noah should always be his hero.

  “Yes, buddy, Daddy Noah. He loved you bigger than the whole wide world.”

  “And Mommy?”

  “Yup, her too.”

  “And you too, Daddy Sawyer?”

  This kid is going to bring me to tears before coffee.

  “Me too, Nate.”

  As if he can sense my mood, he jumps up and lays on my chest, hugging and kissing me. “I love you, Daddy Sawyer. Can I have cereal now?”

  Just like that, all is right in his world. Maybe I should take note.

  Once I have him settled at the table with Fat Bastard eating cat food at Nate’s feet, I check my phone. Mel finally replied in the middle of the night, and I wonder why she was up so late. My phone buzzes in my hand, and it’s another song from her. If it’s any indication of how she feels, she’s as miserable as I am. When I reply, it’s not to be a dick, just to reiterate my stance—the clock is ticking.

  “I Have Nothing” by Whitney Houston, huh? That one could actually go both ways. You have 72 hours, Princess, make them count.

  After everyone arrives at J’s, we split up and carpool. In my SUV it’s me, Wyatt, Nate, Jake, and Darren. In J’s SUV, it’s Mac, J, Tony, and Eli. Since Warren and Sam have been down in San Diego this week, they’re driving up and meeting us at the cabin.

  “Say You Love Me” by Jessie Ware is playing when we load in the car.

  “Oh, hell no.” Darren switches the radio to “Dive” by Ed Sheeran. “No depressing shit this early in the morning.”

  As soon as we leave J’s house, Darren tells Wyatt about the drama between Mel and me. In typical Wyatt fashion, he takes it all in but doesn’t comment. He will eventually, but like Noah, Wyatt likes to let things settle first before putting in his two cents.

  Nate and Jake babble away in the backseat. Jake recently started walking and tries hard to keep up with Nate and Cadence. With only about a year separating them, we hope they’ll grow up to be the best of friends.

  Wyatt trips out on how Nate sings along with some of the music. “Damn, he can barely speak full sentences, but he can belt out lyrics in perfect pitch. You fucking Westons just come out of the womb talented, don’t you?”

  “Pretty much. Throw in those Triton jeans and this kid might be destined for greatness.”

  Wyatt whistles. “How did I forget about that? With all the singers in his family, Nate’s bound to be a superstar. If he can learn the guitar, there’ll be no stopping him.”

  Darren intervenes, “Unless maybe he wants to be something other than a musician. The last thing he needs is for people to set a bunch of unrealistic expectations for him. What if he’s like J and can’t hold a note to save his life?”

  “Considering he has better pitch than most grown adults, I’m not sure that will be an issue,” Wyatt counters, “but I get what you’re saying.”

  About halfway to the cabin, we stop for diaper changes and bathroom breaks. We give the kids some snacks and cue up a movie for them to watch. Wyatt’s in the backseat keeping an eye on them.

  My thoughts wander as I wait for them to buckle up. It’s surreal to think how much my life has changed and what it would be like if Noah were still alive. I wonder if I would have settled down and started a family of my own by now. The thought is depressing, and I hate myself for feeling that way. Of course, I’d rather have Noah here—even if it means I’d lose Mel.

  “Earth to Sawyer.” Darren snaps his finger in front of my face. “Ready to get back on the road?” With one last look at my phone and no updates from Mel, I shove it back in my pocket.

  “Yeah, let’s go.”

  When we’re back on the freeway, Wyatt finally puts in his two cents. “Anna is going to check on Mel while we’re gone.”

  “That’s good. Tell Bethie thank you for me.”

  “Sawyer, you need to fix this. You know that, right?”

  Why are they trying to make this all my fault? “Wyatt, it’s complicated.”

  Wyatt snorts. “Only because you’re making it that way. I’m not going to argue with you. Amelia is the best thing to ever happen to you. The two of you make each other happy, and after all the shit you’ve been through, it’s a motherfucking miracle. Don’t fuck it up.”

  He leans back in his seat and closes his eyes. I’m surprised he cussed at me. That’s not his usual style. Pushing his outburst to the back of my mind, I turn up the music. A short while later, Darren and Wyatt start snickering. My eyes meet Wyatt’s in the rearview mirror, and Darren is already staring at me.

  “What are you two laughing about?”

  They laugh even harder, and the kids join in.

  “You don’t even realize it, do you?” Darren replies with a cocky smirk.

  They’re starting to piss me off. “Realize what?”

  Wyatt sings a line from “Against All Odds” by Phil Collins, and Darren immediately follows it with a line from “Separate Lives” by Phil Collins and Marilyn Martin. That’s when I notice “One More Night”—also by Phil Collins—is playing on the radio. Fuck me.

  Darren’s tone turns serious, “You might not w
ant to talk or think about Mel, but the way you were singing along to the radio, your subconscious mind is overruling you.”

  “I was not singing …”

  “I sing too, Daddy Sawyer!” Nate exclaims, cutting me off and completely invalidating my argument all at the same time.

  Darren reaches over and syncs the stereo to his phone. “Sorry, man, but I can only handle so much sad music. You must be in a bad funk if you’re bringing out your closeted affection for Phil Collins. If we’re going to have a sing-along about love, let’s do it right.”

  When I groan, Wyatt reaches over and pats my shoulder. “It’s love, man. It does crazy shit to us. You’re lucky we’ve been there and we’ve got your back.”

  As Darren taps out a beat on the dashboard, I shake my head. When the song starts playing, he and Wyatt begin belting out the lyrics, and eventually I join in. If you can’t have a cheesy sing along to the Bee Gees’ “How Deep Is Your Love” with your best friends, what’s the point?

  They try hard to keep my spirits up on the way, and I appreciate their effort. I’ve been looking forward to this weekend for months, and I’m going to try to focus on the good things.

  “Do you really think Mel’s going to say no?” Wyatt inquires when there’s a lull in the music.

  “I’d like to say no, and if you’d asked me before Veronica’s wedding, I would have. The last couple of weeks have been rough. Not being over Noah, I completely understand because I’m right there with her. That’s where we have a disconnect. I’m guessing she feels she can’t talk to me about him. I want her to talk to me about anything, even if it hurts, and I think it would be better than her hiding in his closet all the time.”

  Darren taps his fingers on the armrest. “What if you’re pushing her too fast? Maybe she isn’t ready, Sawyer.”

  “Look, if Mel wants to leave Noah’s room a shrine for the next fifty years, I don’t have a problem with it. Same with Belle’s things. What I have an issue with is trying to build a life and a relationship in his shadow. At the beach house, we’re already surrounded by our memories. I want her to make space for our lives there. Make an office out of their old room, maybe one day even make it a nursery if we have more kids. Or we can move into my house, leave this house as is, and move on from there. I need a sign, something … anything that says she’s willing to move forward with me. If not, why am I wasting my time?”

  “Because you love her, Sawyer, and you have to put in the time to earn the reward.”

  “Haven’t I been doing that for the last two years? When Noah died, I was as lost as she was. Being with Nate and Mel brought a whole new meaning to my life. I’ve done everything I can to prove I’m here for her. When does she reciprocate? When will Mel push outside of her comfort zone and show me I matter to her too?”

  Darren turns in his seat, “Is that what you need? Some kind of quid pro quo?”

  “If that’s what you want to call it, sure. I’ve had to accept a lot. Do you know she has a tattoo of Noah’s name? Each time we have sex, I avoid it like the plague. It’s a constant reminder he had her first. It kills me that a piece of her body is completely off limits to me. Not to mention a piece of her heart. I understand, and I’m not such a total ass that I’d let it keep me from her. The last few weeks have just been a constant reminder that things shouldn’t be this hard. She has worries and concerns, but at some point, she has to consider my feelings too. She’s got to let the other shit go.”

  As I drive up the windy mountain road, Nate points out the window at all the things he sees. I’m grateful because it gives me a reason to stop talking about Mel, even if she never leaves my mind.

  When the car stops Nate kicks his feet excitedly. “Daddy Sawyer, we going fishing!”

  “God, he really is Noah’s son, isn’t he?” Wyatt says as he unsnaps both kids from their seats.

  “Yup and if he’s anything like Noah, he’s going to catch the first fish out of that lake.”

  Once we’re settled inside and have set up a play area for the kids, we crack open a couple of beers. This definitely won’t be a drinking weekend for Wyatt and me, but it’s okay because we’re supposed to be making memories.

  Sam and Warren are the first to arrive, followed shortly afterward by J, Eli, Mac, and Tony. They all seem to be in good spirits, and I try playing along but fail miserably. Nate’s been looking out the window at the lake constantly, and now that everyone is here, I can finally take him down.

  Everyone pitches in and carries stuff down to the water. Wyatt and I get Jake and Nate into life jackets and floaties because you can never be too careful. Once we’re at the water’s edge, I take off Nate’s floaties because he can’t even put his arms down wearing them and the jacket. Holding a fishing pole too is next to impossible.

  I’ve got Nate between my legs, and all of us are lined up at the edge of the dock. I thought about taking the boat out but it’s cold, and it looks like it might rain. Plus, Anna and Mel would want to be here for their first trip out on the lake in a boat.

  Nate and I share a pole, and his little hands are gripping it like crazy. I’m going to feel awful is he doesn’t catch a fish. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him this excited about anything. Christmas this year is going to be a blast. If he’s this excited for fish, Santa is going to blow his mind.

  Unfortunately, that makes me wonder if he’ll even be with me for Christmas. I’m so lost in thought, I almost miss the tug on the pole until Nate squeals, “Look, it’s moving!”

  I guide his little hands to the crank to start reeling it in. The guys are all smiling, but there is also a chorus of “No way,” “It figures,” and I’m pretty sure J threw in a “Just like fucking Noah.”

  Once we’ve pulled the fish close, Darren helps Nate stand, and I follow. Warren takes photos while Nate and I reel in his first fish. It’s a good-sized trout, and once it’s flopping around on the dock, Nate claps and squeals. He doesn’t understand the fish is dying; it’s just exciting to him. From his beaming smile to the excited gleam in his eyes, he exudes all things Noah.

  “Daddy Sawyer, I did it! Can we do it again?” he asks once the fish is off the hook and put aside to cook later.

  “We sure can.” I scoop him into a hug. “Daddy Noah would be so proud of you right now.”

  The guys avert their gazes. I know they heard me, but it is what it is at this point. Noah and I shared so much in life I guess it only makes sense we would have shared our kids as well. Without a doubt, I know he would have wanted to be as close to my kids as I want to be to his.

  Nate fell asleep early. I bathed him as soon as we were done fishing and he almost fell asleep in his dinner plate. Once he was down, I took a walk around the lake trying to clear my head. When I returned, I grabbed a beer from the ice chest on the deck and made myself comfortable outside.

  “On a scale of one to ten, how pissed are you right now?” Jordan takes the lounger beside me.

  “I take it I was the topic of discussion while I was gone.”

  “You and Mel … it was equal.”

  “Well, that’s good to know. I’m not pissed.”

  Jordan pops open his beer. “Just moody as fuck.”

  “Wouldn’t you be?”

  “Then do something about it, Sawyer.”

  The screen slides open, and Eli plops down on the lounger on my other side.

  “What should I do, J? I already did the only thing I could.” Eli snorts. “You got something to add, Watts?”

  “Actually, yeah, but I’m not going to do all the work for you. I came out here to get a beer and look at the stars. My advice is simple. You can give Mel all the ultimatums in the world, but she’s stubborn and logical.”

  I’m confused. “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “You’re a smart man, Weston. Figure it out. If I were going to consider an ultimatum from someone, I’d want some fucking guarantees too.”

  Just like that, Eli pats me on the shoulder and heads back inside th
e house. I turn to J. “Do you know what he meant?”

  “Yup,” J answers, “but you’ve got to figure it out on your own. It’s a beautiful night. Stay here and think, Sawyer. It will do you some good.”

  I spend some time stargazing, but the clouds roll back in and obscure my view. It’s too bad; I’d even seen a few shooting stars.

  As the hours pass, the house becomes progressively quieter. I’ve been nursing the same beer since my walk and it’s warm as piss. I’ve checked on Nate a few times, but he and Jake are now curled up together on the spare bed in Wyatt’s room.

  Without warning, the heavens open up and freezing rain pummels down on me. It’s not anything my jacket can protect against, so I go back inside. Thunder and lightning let loose, and just like that, Eli’s cryptic words suddenly make sense.

  My gaze flies to the clock on the mantle, and I’m shocked to see it’s three in the morning. Collapsing onto the closest couch, I rack my memory. All this time, I’ve only assumed Mel knew what I wanted. Hell, I’ve known for so long how I feel about her that I’ve already bought our wedding rings. I know I’m going to love and take care of her and Nate until my dying breath, but other than telling her so, how does she actually know? I’ve told her I love her more times than I can count, I’ve shown her with my body often …

  Fuck.

  What have I done to show her I’m going to stick around? Her insecurities have always been high when it comes to love and family. It took a while before she understood Noah loved her, and he backed it up with a proposal. I thought it was too soon for her, but knowing I’m ready and waiting for her may be enough to ease her fears.

  “Dammit.”

  Eli chuckles. “Is that because you figured it out or because you need some help finding the right answer?”

  “Asshole,” I mutter. He returns the slam with a smile. “I need to back up my demands with actions. How is Mel supposed to know I’m serious if I don’t give her something to work with?”

  “Ding, ding, ding.” He brings his finger to his nose. “I knew you were smart, Weston, and a source told me you already have wedding rings. What are you waiting for?”