Secondhand Heart

by Kristen Strassel

  My mom walked over to Roger, rubbing his arm as he spoke. “You don’t have to be perfect, honey, none of us knew what we were doing at first.”

  “I know. I was—and still am—really excited about learning and growing with JR. But he can’t afford rookie mistakes. His family is here. Mine is in Chicago. If I moved down here, I’d be gone all day in the city. The commute would make my job impossible, and I wouldn’t be able to get a job that would support him down here. I don’t know anyone in the city who’d be able to take care of him, especially since he might need specialized care. I want him to be with his family. I’m not bowing out completely, but I know my limits, Karen. This is more than I can do.”

  “That’s brave and smart of you,” Mom assured him. “I think we all know this is going to be a team effort.”

  Part of me wasn’t surprised by Roger’s decision. Even though I knew he loved JR, he was so timid around him. I was relieved about his decision as well, because I was getting really attached to the little guy. If JR could hear me when I was talking to him, he could tell you some stories already. But something about watching his tiny body sleep, his hand in a little fist just next to his mouth, even in his condition, gave me this sense of peace I’d never felt before. So I was pretty excited that JR wasn’t going to be moving to the city.

  I think we needed JR more than he needed us.

  “I got to touch JR tonight!” I burst in on Cam as soon as I got back to the condo, a few days after the funeral. He was sitting on the deck with his guitar in his lap and a notebook on the table beside him. He’d been playing a lot since the funeral, he said it help him process everything that had happened. He rested the guitar against the side of the house, and moved over so I could sit on the chaise with him. “It was amazing.”

  “He’s getting better?” Cam asked, his body wrapping itself around mine.

  “Yeah, he’s way better. The nurses say he’s a tough little guy.” This good news was so desperately overdue, but somehow it came at the right time. Everything that happened was still so raw and painful, and it was going to be for a long time. Probably forever. JR gave us something to root for, a reason to get the fuck out of bed in the morning and want things. A reason to fight.

  “Your dad is going to have him at Spring Training next year.” Cam kissed me on the shoulder, right next to the strap of my tank top. It startled me, it had been so long since he’d just spontaneously shown any affection, and I jumped at his touch. It didn’t deter him, he moved up to my neck, nibbling softly. I closed my eyes, leaning into it, my body turning to jelly.

  “He’d have him at Training Camp right now if he could.” I laughed, goose bumps forming on my skin every time Cam’s lips brushed against it. I pulled away from him, I needed to tell him about JR before he distracted me. “I could only run my finger along his arm and hand. He’s so tiny, Cam. It’s different when you touch him. He doesn’t even feel real.”

  “Did he react at all?”

  “Yeah.” I turned towards Cam and smiled, straddling his lap. “He twitches. He did the same thing for Roger, he was the one who showed me. At first, he moves his little hand a little, like he’s shaking his fist, but the more you do it, the more he moves, his feet move a little bit, too. It’s almost like a little dance.”

  “He likes it,” Cam chuckled. “I can’t wait to meet him.”

  “Hopefully, he won’t have that much longer in the NICU, if his lungs continue to improve, they’ll be able to take the breathing tube out soon. And it seems like he’ll be down here long term, since Roger wants my family to take the baby.”

  “Wow.” Cam took a minute to digest that. “What do you think about that?”

  “I’m actually excited.” I ran my fingers down Cam’s arm. “I’m getting really attached to him.”

  Cam caught my hand and squeezed it. “You’re going to make a good little momma someday.”

  My breath caught in my throat, and I looked away from him.

  “Did I say something wrong?” he asked.

  “It’s just that—“ He pulled me down to him and kissed me. I wanted to smile, but I couldn’t. “I got pregnant when I was fifteen. And I let everyone talk me out of having the baby.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said softly, his face still inches from mine.

  “I always thought I’d have another chance to have Jordan’s baby, and that was it.” My tears stained Cam’s T-shirt. Talking about the baby ripped me open and poured salt into an already gaping wound. The biggest mistake of my life. And now, I couldn’t stop losing the people I loved.

  Cam cupped my chin so I looked him in the eye. “You know better than anyone that that God doesn’t give you what you want, but what you can handle. And you can handle more than anyone I know.”

  “That doesn’t make it any better.” I shook my head. “Everyone I love gets taken away from me.”

  “I’m not going anywhere.” Cam wiped a tear from my cheek. “And Jordan Edward, think about it, he’s the embodiment of all of the people you’re missing. Your baby, Jordan, Evey, that baby has a piece of each of their spirits in him. They’ll always be with you.”

  “That’s beautiful.” I tried to smile. “No wonder you write songs.”

  “I try.” Cam sat up a little straighter and played with my hands, which rested on his stomach. We didn’t say anything for a little while. “I have to go back to work tomorrow.”

  God. The rest of the world was still operating as normal. Like someone hadn’t taken a sledgehammer to the planet. “How do you feel about that?”

  He sighed. “I really don’t know. A piece of me wants life to go back to the grind, but the rest of me knows that I’ll just be going through the motions, because nothing could possibly be the same.”

  “I know. Everything is different now.” I stretched my legs out so I laid beside Cam, and put my head on his shoulder. I was just so emotionally exhausted after today it was almost too much effort to talk anymore. “Why is it that we always want things to change, but when everything changes, all we want is for things to be the same again?”

  “Because we never appreciate what we have. We take it for granted.” He kissed the top of my head. “And what we have is pretty fucking good.”

  Cam was so right. How could he be so smart about some things? I reached up so my fingers tangled in his curls, and he leaned in to kiss me. This kiss was different than any others I’d ever had, it filled something inside me that was empty, cracking, and starving for nourishment. My fingers and toes tingled as if they’d been lifted from slumber. Cam’s hands pushed the back of my shirt up, and I sat so he could take it off of me, then unhooked my bra and let it drop to the deck. I dove back in, maybe too eagerly, both us moaning as we rediscovered each other.

  Like I said, Cam was right. Despite everything, what we had was pretty fucking good. We had to stop taking it or granted.

  It was like it never happened.

  I froze in the middle of the parking lot of The Lonely Heart Saloon, while news people rushed at us with outstretched microphones in slow motion like poachers on the African plains, and stared at the asphalt. Cars occupied every spot. There was no broken glass, no caution tape, and no blood stain.

  Gone.

  “Cam! Cam!” The reporters surrounded us. I squeezed his hand hard, I didn’t know if I was causing him pain or not, but the crowd closing in on us made it hard for me to breathe. I couldn’t run, not only was there no way out, but my escape would be on the six o’clock news.

  I don’t know what possessed me to come to work with Cam today. Just being in this parking lot, all I could see was Ev’s body, bleeding and broken, the emergency lights, her life slipping away from us. I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts at the condo, and there were too many ghosts at my parents’ house to be there when they weren’t. I tried to convince myself that helping Cam today was moving forward, but I forgot I was going to have to straddle a canyon to get there.

  “Is it true that you cheated to win The Spo
tlight?” one of them called out.

  Ashley made good on her promise.

  “Are you the father of Evelyn O’Brien’s baby?”

  “Did you drive your wife to drug addiction?”

  “How long have you been involved in deviant sexual behavior with Daisy Mangold? Before her husband died in Afghanistan?”

  I wanted to scream. They knew way too much, and what they didn’t know, they made up without any regard for the consequences. I tugged on Cam’s arm, unable to speak, because anything I said was going to come out in a long line of obscenities that wouldn’t help anyone’s cause.

  Cam found the strength from somewhere to plaster a fake smile on his face. “The answers to all of those questions is no and no comment. I’m sure you can figure out what goes with what. Now if you’ll excuse us.” Cam wedged his shoulder forward, and magically, the sea of people parted and I squeezed sideways against Cam to get through.

  “I love you, Cam!” someone yelled from somewhere in the parking lot.

  The restaurant was packed, to the point there looked to be a lengthy wait for a table. At eleven thirty in the morning. People in a small town, even though Plymouth was technically huge, it had all the major earmarks of a small town, loved being a part of drama. I’d been reminded of it every time I’d left the house since I’d come home a widow.

  Without a word to anyone, Cam weaved through the crowd with amazing dexterity. I lagged behind, bumping into a couple people in my path. One we made it to the office, he locked the door and leaned against it. “Motherfuckers,” he muttered. “I’m sorry you had to hear any of that.”

  “It’s alright.” But it really wasn’t, I sat down, leaning both of my hands on the desk, trying to catch my breath. The stacks of paperwork that waited for us actually comforted me. Paperwork seemed normal, and it didn’t judge. Cam moved around the desk and sat in his chair. He looked up at me with concern. “How much of it was true?”

  “None of it. Come on, Daisy, you know that.” He tapped a pen rapidly against the desk. “I didn’t even technically cheat on the show. Ashley did. I was just the benefactor.”

  “Because if any of it is, you need to tell me now. I can’t take any more bombshells.” I sunk into the chair, arms crossed, tapping my crossed leg in rhythm with his pen.

  “None of it.” The tapping stopped. “These people make things up because it gets ratings. Ratings get advertising money. Some women’s deodorant company is benefiting from people lying about us. And more people will probably watch Ashley’s show, if she can even finish filming it. That’s all this is about, making sure people watch TV.”

  “I thought you said she wasn’t getting out of jail.”

  “For now.” Cam shook his head. “But even if she’s in jail, the network will think that footage is gold. They don’t think like normal human beings. They need money like we need air. To survive. And because of what happened, people will watch it.”

  I seethed in the general direction of popular culture. But I then realized I hadn’t even turned on the TV since Ev’s accident. What were people saying? I knew nothing of the investigation, except that Cam needed to go through surveillance tapes to see if Ashley had a drink at The Lonely Heart before she ran my sister down in the parking lot.

  But I knew just who would have all the answers.

  I called Bree.

  “Oh my God, it’s been crazy,” Bree said as soon as I got her on the phone. “Ashley is more nuts than we ever imagined. She’s not even pretending to be sorry about what she did. Fucking bitch. She’s also claiming some sort of pill popping addiction, so she can go to rehab and not rot in jail like she deserves. She’s said a lot of shit, Daisy. It would be totally comical if it wasn’t about you guys.”

  “Like what?” I wasn’t going to lead Bree at all. I knew she lived for this celebrity gossip shit.

  “Of course, there’s The Spotlight stuff. That is blowing up all over the place. I guess the show is totally fixed every season. And she’s also convinced that JR is Cam’s. And she says that he’s been doing all sorts of kinky sex stuff with both you and Ev, like, together. She said saw you all in action. I told them there was no way that could possibly be true—“

  “Wait, you talked to the reporters?” My eyes widened, and Cam’s expression must have mirrored mine. Good Lord, they must have loved her. Having all of those microphones in her face, people wanting to hear what she had to say, that was like a Bree wet dream.

  “Well, yeah. That wasn’t a bad thing, was it?” She sounded sheepish.

  I winced. “What did you say?”

  “I told them the truth. I didn’t think that hurt anything. I told them that Ashley had been harassing Cam, that he was trying to get her to sign the paperwork, and that he and Ev were coworkers, nothing else.” She paused, probably waiting for approval. I nodded like an idiot. She couldn’t see me. “I didn’t say anything that hurt any of you. But I wasn’t going to protect Ashley.”

  I reiterated what she said to Cam, and he nodded. Then I just put her on speaker phone. “Any other news?” I asked her.

  “That’s really it, besides what you’ve lived through.” Bree sighed. “This is nuts. You know I usually love all those gossip shows, but to actually be a part of it, shit, it’s really changed everything. Am I on speaker now?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Hi, Cam.”

  “Hey.”

  “I don’t know how you put up with this shit all the time. I feel like I’ve left the house naked every day since the accident. Obviously, this is all I’ve been able to think about, and I’ve come up with a theory.”

  The only thing Bree liked more than celebrity gossip was conspiracy theories related to celebrity gossip. I rolled my eyes at Cam before answering. “Which is?”

  “Ashley’s show is starting soon, right? And the ratings for The Spotlight have been kind of meh the last couple of seasons. I think it’s a publicity stunt.”

  She might as well have punched me in the face. Cam buried his face in his hands and groaned. He’d come to the same exact conclusion. I usually thought her theories were nuts. This one was nuts all right, but it unfortunately made too much sense.

  Bree took our lack of reaction as acceptance, and kept going. “That seems to be the thing that these stars do, you know, when talent isn’t enough to keep them afloat, they go for controversy.”

  “So you think Ashley killed my sister to get better ratings for her show.” My whole body shook with fury. I fought with myself not to go that jail and put Ashley’s head through a cinderblock wall.

  “It’s sick and fucking twisted, but unfortunately, I think I might be on to something.”

  Cam picked his head up. His face was almost pure white. “I wouldn’t put it past her.”

  “There’s no way that show can go to air if Bree is right!” After I’d hung up the phone, I started pacing back and forth in the office. “She can’t benefit from this. She cannot.”

  “There’s no way to prove it.” Cam leaned back in the chair, not relaxed, but I’d noticed it was something he tended to do when he was stressed out. “And if you were to accuse of her of that, she can sue you for slander.”

  I stopped. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

  “I wish. But that’s how she operates. Somehow, she knows how to play everyone like a master pianist. That stuff about The Spotlight came out as soon as she signed the divorce papers, just like she promised.” Cam shook his head.

  “She’s got nothing to gain from suing me.” I went back to pacing. “I don’t even have a job.”

  “She’s got nothing to gain from destroying her father’s show.” Cam raised an eyebrow. “But she did it anyway. Do you know how much money he’s going to have to pay in lawsuits if they can prove what was going on over there? And I don’t know what was involved, seriously, I just did what everyone else did. Any fuckery was handled behind the scenes.” He smirked, chuckling to himself for a minute. “She may have even screwed herself. He probably can’t
even afford to make her show anymore.”

  “But why does she even get to do this? She needs to rot in jail.” I collapsed back in the chair, dropping my head in my hands in frustration. The bad guys were not supposed to win. “She can’t go to some frou frou rehab in Palm Springs and pretend that she’s being punished. That’s a reward.”

  “We don’t know that yet. The police are still gathering evidence and if what Bree is saying is true that she did it on purpose, people aren’t going to forgive that. She mowed down a pregnant woman. It takes a special kind of sick to do that.” Cam shuddered. “How could I have been so stupid?”

  “Because no one believes that anyone can be that evil.” I got up again, standing behind him and kneading my fingers into his shoulders. I took a deep breath, again looking tall piles of crap waiting for us on the desk. “Should we try to get to work? I can’t talk about her anymore. I just need to pretend that what Ashley did was an accident, or I’ll do something I may or may not regret.” I needed to keep my mind busy. It was the whole reason I came here. I actually wanted to bore myself into submission with numbers and orders for beer and vegetables.

  “Listen, I need to talk to you about something.” What the hell else could Cam have to talk about?

  “What? You told me I already know everything. No more surprises, Cam. I can’t fucking take anymore.”

  “You do know everything.” He took a deep breath. “The tapes showed that Ashley did have her last drink here.”

  I raised my eyebrow and crossed my arms. He continued. “I can be sued for that. Your family can sue me, Daisy, for what Ashley did.” He reached for my hand, I didn’t know what to think right now, so I just gave it to him. “I don’t know how to ask them to not do that. I meant what I said the other night. I will give that baby my last dime. But I need this restaurant to be able to provide for him. I’ve had a bunch of calls from that producer I haven’t returned yet, but I’m pretty sure he’s going to tell me he’s cancelling the recording sessions, and I can’t fucking take that right now.”