Amish Outsider

by Marta Perry

  “Michael? What are you doing here? Did you want Daad?”

  He walked quickly to her. “I needed to see you.” He plunged ahead, not waiting to wrap it up pretty for her. “Did you know Stoltzfus is saying the school is going to get rid of you?”

  Once he was close enough, he saw the shadows around her eyes and the drawn look of her face. “You already heard.”

  “Last night. A friend of mine had actually heard him. He was trying to convince her father to bring pressure on the school board.”

  “Because of me.” His tone went flat. Somehow he caused trouble for anyone he touched. Now it was Cathy.

  “No, not because of you.” She was quick to deny it. “Zeb and Lizzie Stoltzfus have been trying to get the school job for their daughter for the past year. This is just the latest effort.”

  “Okay, so they want your job.” He couldn’t get rid of his guilt that easily. “But I’m the weapon they’re using to accomplish it.”

  Cathy pressed a hand to her forehead. “It’s not your fault.” Her voice sounded choked. “They’re talking about when the police came to the school, making it sound as if I overreacted. And...”

  “And you’ve been trying to help me and Allie.” He caught her wrist, turning her to face him more fully. “Stop trying to save my feelings. I can see as far as the next person. You’ve put your job in jeopardy because of me.”

  She managed a faint smile. “Mostly because of Allie. And if you think I’d do anything any differently, you don’t know me very well.”

  “I think I do.” He looked down at her wrist, encircled by his fingers, and fought the longing to pull her into his arms. “But I can’t just let this happen. I’ll go to the school board and—”

  “Don’t. Ach, don’t you see that would just make it worse? If they’re going to let me go for doing what I know is right...well, then, they’ll have to do that. I can’t change.”

  “Nobody with any sense would want you to change.” The feelings that swept over him were leading him in a dangerous direction, and he had to back up. He let go of her wrist. “I’m sorry.” He took a step away from her for safety’s sake, rubbing the back of his neck in frustration. “All the mistakes I made with Diana—it seems like they’re going to follow me wherever I go. And cause trouble for anyone I touch.”

  “Michael, please.” She sounded desperate—longing to help him but not knowing how.

  There wasn’t any way. The closer she got, the more trouble she’d be in.

  “It’s true. I messed up with Diana.” He put his hands on the nearest stall bar, feeling like he wanted to hit something. “I didn’t mean to, but I did. I could never make her happy.”

  “Did she make you happy?” Cathy’s voice was soft, but the words seemed to go right to his heart.

  He’d like to avoid the question, but he couldn’t. “No. Ironic, isn’t it? We made this grand gesture, running away, giving up everything for love. But the truth was, we couldn’t make each other happy. I knew that long before she told me to leave.”

  What must she be thinking about this? He shouldn’t be saying these things to Cathy, but they seemed to come out without volition.

  “I wasn’t giving up, you know. Even then, when I was out of the house, I’d have gone back to her, have tried to make a decent life for her and Allie. For Allie’s sake, if not for hers. But I didn’t get the chance.”

  “Everyone has things they regret.” In her eagerness to help, Cathy had moved dangerously close to him. “You were trying to do the right thing. You still are.”

  He nodded. What she’d said was true. He was trying to do right, and that meant getting away from Cathy before he found himself kissing her, trying to drown his pain in her soft sweetness.

  She reached out a tentative hand, and he flinched away. “I have to go. I’m sorry, Cathy. Truly sorry.” He left, knowing if he stayed a moment longer he’d go a step too far and never be able to go back.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  MICHAEL REALIZED HE was walking back home even faster than he’d gone. An outside observer, he thought wryly, might even say he was fleeing. And he’d be right.

  Slowing his pace as he neared the house, he tried to think what had possessed him to go there. He knew it was dangerous for him to be alone with Cathy. She was sweet, innocent and loving—and he was afraid of doing the wrong thing with her, just as he was with Allie. Caught up in the warmth of her sympathy he’d almost forgotten that he was to blame for her problem.

  Cathy faced losing the job that was the most important thing in her life because of him. The worst part of it was that he could do nothing. She’d probably been horrified to hear him say he’d go to the school board. If anything, that would tip the scales against her.

  No, the best thing he could do for Cathy was to leave her alone. Even if, through some miracle, he was cleared of all suspicion in Diana’s death, he still wasn’t the man for her. After he’d failed so miserably, how could he risk marriage again?

  He emerged into the yard to spot someone sitting on the back porch. Alan Channing, obviously waiting for him.

  Michael strode quickly to the porch. “Alan. It’s good to see you. If you’d told me you were coming...”

  “That’s a little hard to do when your cell phone is turned off.” Alan smiled, pumping his hand. “You’re really getting sucked into this life, aren’t you?”

  “It’s got a lot to recommend it,” he said, a little annoyed by the unconscious superiority of Alan’s comment. “I use the phone so seldom it’s a nuisance to keep it charged up. You’re back in the area again already?”

  He shrugged. “A minor hiccup with one of our customers. It was resolved in the office, but the old man thought it warranted a personal visit, so I turned on the charm.”

  The old man being Alan’s father-in-law, he knew.

  “I’m glad to see you anyway. Didn’t Aunt Verna welcome you?”

  “Sure thing.” Alan gestured with the coffee mug he’d apparently set on the porch railing. “She wanted to feed me pie, but I said I’d wait for you.”

  “Good, I’m glad.” For more reasons than one. His mind had gotten back on track after being derailed by his feelings for Cathy. He’d intended to talk to Alan in any event. He might be able to shed some light on the “friend” of her mother’s Allie had mentioned.

  “I wanted to see if you’d thought any more about that job I mentioned.” Alan glanced around, as if wondering what the appeal of this place was. “I understand it’s still open.”

  The temptation to run away was there, but his decision had already been made. “Thanks. I appreciate it, but I’m staying here. It’s a lot better for Allie than going to another strange place.”

  Alan nodded, seeming to understand. “Allie’s most important, I know. I always seem to get here after she’s gone to bed. Tell her I said hello, will you?”

  “Sure thing.” Michael hesitated. “Speaking of Allie, she said something the other day that has me wondering.”

  “What’s that?”

  Wariness showed in Alan’s face, startling Michael. What did his friend have to be wary of?

  “She said that one time when she went to stay overnight at your house, she saw someone heading for our place. A man. She referred to him as Mommy’s friend. Who was she talking about?”

  “How...how would I know?” Alan made an effort to smile. “You sure she knew what she was talking about? Kids that age can imagine things. Anyway, how could she see anything?”

  Doubt settled in. Alan was protesting too much. He might have been convinced if Alan had stopped with a simple denial.

  “You know something,” he said, his voice flat. “What was Diana up to?”

  Alan stared at him and then glanced quickly away. “I don’t know, not for sure.”

  Impatience rode him. “Okay, then, what do you think was going o
n?”

  “Suspicion, that’s all we had.” He grimaced. “You know how it is. Diana kept asking if we could have Allie for the night. Of course, we were glad to help out, but...well, it made us wonder if there was a man in the picture.”

  Michael fought down anger. Another man. So that was what her talk about having a little time apart meant.

  “Who was he?” He shot the question at Alan.

  “I don’t know. Really, neither of us did.” He seemed to attempt to force certainty into his voice. It didn’t work.

  “You know something.” His fists clenched. “What is it? You...” He stopped, aware of something shamefaced about the way Alan evaded his eyes. “You? It was you?”

  “No!” Alan held up both hands as if to fend him off. “Not me. Not really.”

  “What do you mean, not really? Either you were having an affair with my wife or not.”

  “No, no. It never got that serious. It’s just... She was...” His voice died out. He cleared his throat and started again. “A flirtation, that’s all. She let me kiss her once. Afterward I could hardly look at myself in the mirror. I’m not that kind of guy. I love my wife.” There was desperation in his face when he looked at Michael. “Afterward...that last month before she died...that’s when I thought she was hiding something.”

  The urge to punch someone or something ebbed slowly away, to be replaced by a determination to get to the end of it.

  “Why? What made you think that?”

  “We both did. Diana asked us to have Allie twice before...before that last night. And Diana said something odd. She said she was going to have the life she should have had.”

  She should have had. Michael put that thought away to consider later. He had to make sure he had everything Alan knew, because he didn’t think they’d ever see each other again.

  “Allie caught a glimpse of the man once. You must have been curious to see who Diana preferred. Don’t tell me you didn’t try to see him.”

  Fine beads of sweat had formed along Alan’s hairline. He was trying to decide whether to talk.

  “All right, then, I did. But it didn’t amount to much. I couldn’t very well walk over and introduce myself. You know how far it was from our windows to your front walk, and there’s that cedar tree in the way. I just got a glimpse of him.”

  “So you got a glimpse. Did you know him?”

  “No, no.” He sounded startled at the thought. “He was a stranger. Maybe about our age—average height, not heavy or anything.”

  “What about his face? Hair? Coloring?”

  “Khakis, a dark shirt, I think. He had a windbreaker on, and a ball cap. Just looked ordinary, that’s all.”

  “Would you know him again?”

  Alan was already shaking his head before he got the question out. “I couldn’t possibly identify him. Listen, Michael, you’ve got to keep me out of this. If my wife hears about it...”

  He didn’t need to say more. He wasn’t going to do anything to risk his marriage or his cushy job with his father-in-law.

  “Right.” His jaw tightened with the effort not to say what he thought of him. “You won’t mind if I don’t invite you in.”

  Alan turned away quickly as if afraid he’d change his mind. “Sorry,” he muttered and hurried to his car.

  Michael watched it peel out of the driveway. So that was it for his friendship with Alan. All that support...easy enough to do, especially when Alan knew about the other man. And didn’t want to say, for fear of his own relationship coming out.

  It wouldn’t have needed to. Alan could have helped clear him, but he’d been too worried about himself. As for that helpful job offer...clearly Alan would have been happier if Michael and Allie were safely on the other side of the country from him.

  He knew more now about what had gone on in Diana’s life in those last months, but was it going to do him any good? Jamison would listen with an open mind, but if the city police talked to Alan, he couldn’t count on any help there.

  He headed inside. Maybe a piece of Aunt Verna’s pie would take the bad taste out of his mouth. He had a piece of the puzzle now, at the cost of what he’d thought had been a friendship, but he wasn’t sure how much good it was going to do.

  * * *

  CATHY HAD HEADED straight to the fire company grounds after dropping Allie off from school. She’d promised to help Joanna set up her stand for the Mud Sale so she was here, though she’d rather be somewhere else. Somewhere quiet, where no one would know about the trouble brewing at the upcoming school board meeting.

  “What are you fidgeting about?” Joanna handed her one end of the line she was stringing to hang some of the lighter-weight items. “You look as if your mind is a thousand miles away.”

  I wish I were. “It’s nothing. Too long a school day. I’m like the kids—I need a recess.” Before Joanna could voice the argument she saw forming, she hurried on. “Where’s Rachel? I thought she’d be here.”

  Exasperation flashed in Joanna’s eyes. “Her daad raised a fuss. As if he couldn’t dish up his own supper when she had it all ready for him. I think he’s the most selfish man I ever met.”

  “I wouldn’t be surprised.” If there was anything Rachel’s friends agreed on, it was that her father imposed on Rachel’s sweet disposition with his tyrannical ways.

  “She said she’d stop by later, but I told her not to bother. She can help on Saturday. You’ll be here, won’t you?”

  “Bright and early,” Cathy said. She knew the format. Joanna couldn’t put out the items she’d be selling until Saturday morning, and it would be a rush to have everything ready before the first customer showed up.

  Joanna’s only answer was a distracted nod, since she’d noticed that one of the hooks for the line was crooked. The wooden booths were stored from one event to another, and sometimes they came out a little the worse for wear.

  Given a moment when her thoughts weren’t distracted, Cathy’s mind went immediately back to the things that troubled her. If she managed to stop worrying about the school board meeting, she’d switch back to Michael, and that was almost worse.

  He’d left so abruptly that she’d remained standing there in the barn for a good twenty minutes, trying to wrap her mind around what had happened between them. They’d hardly touched, but she had never felt closer to anyone else in her life. It was as if their minds and hearts touched, if not their hands or their lips.

  Did it frighten Michael to be so close to her? He seemed sometimes to believe that he’d never be free of the stain of Diana’s death, never be able to live a normal life.

  She’d been relieved not at the pain he’d undergone with his wife, but simply that he’d said it aloud. A thing that was kept secret and hidden from daylight could fester and poison the whole body.

  But Michael might not see it that way. Probably the only reason he’d spoken was that he’d been rocked off his balance by the thought that he was responsible for the loss of her job.

  As for her...well, looking back over everything that happened, she couldn’t see a decision that she’d change if she had it to do over again.

  No, not even tumbling into love with Michael. It hurt already, and it would probably hurt worse before it was over, but she could never regret having experienced such love.

  “You’re worrying about the school board meeting, aren’t you?” Joanna’s question was so far from what she was thinking that for an instant she couldn’t come up with an answer.

  “I suppose,” she said at last. “There’s nothing I can do about it, so it’s silly to worry.”

  “If you tell me it’s God’s will, I’ll shake you,” Joanna declared, planting her hands on her hips. “There’s nothing remotely good or truthful about the machinations Zeb and Lizzie Stoltzfus are going through to get rid of you.”

  “Maybe so, but there’s nothing I can do abo
ut it.”

  “Now, there’s where you’re wrong. There’s plenty to be done, and Rachel and I are more than eager to help. We can organize any number of people to attend that meeting and raise a fuss over what’s going on. It’s simple.”

  Cathy was already shaking her head. How could she convince Joanna that everything in her cringed at the thought of an open fuss about her? Joanna didn’t fear anything, and she never had.

  “I can’t,” she protested. “Please, Joanna, try to understand. If they don’t want me teaching the kinder, there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ll have to leave.” Her voice choked on the words.

  “If you’re thinking about the scholars, you’ll stay and fight, not give up. Everyone knows what a wonderful teacher you are. How will those kinder feel if you just give in because of a few people? You can’t let them make decisions for you.”

  “I’m not.” But what Joanna said seemed to echo something Mamm had told her. Was it true? She wanted to deny it, but a tiny doubt niggled at her.

  “Here’s Michael,” Joanna announced. “Maybe he can talk sense into you.” She swung around and busied herself at the back of the stand.

  Michael reached out and took a screwdriver from her hand, making a show of securing the screws that held the stand together. “What is your friend so upset about?”

  He didn’t look at her, and Cathy suspected he didn’t like having been maneuvered into this situation.

  “Joanna is a very strong personality. She’s upset that I might lose my teaching position, and she wants me to fight back. It’s what she would do, but I don’t think I can do it.”

  “You should. Don’t you think I’d do it if I could? I’d tell those people what I think about this in a heartbeat, but I know it would make things worse, not better.”

  She was taken aback at the passion in his voice. For a moment she let herself envision him standing up to the school board for her. But he was right—it would be a mistake.