by Nina Levine
“What the fuck, Madison?” Serena rounded on me.
I held up both my palms to silence her. “Not now, honey.” I paused for a moment to think, but nothing came. “Fuck it, I need a smoke!” I left in search of one.
Five minutes later, I was outside, smoke in one hand, phone in the other. I needed Blake.
He answered on the first ring. “How’s it going over there, baby girl?”
“Well, J’s telling us what we can and can’t do. Serena’s mad at both of us, and I’m hiding outside having a smoke. What does that tell you?”
“Do you want me to come over?”
This was what made Blake a superstar in my eyes. Even with his busy schedule at the restaurant, he was willing to drop everything for me. “No, don’t do that. I just needed to hear your voice; it always makes me feel better.”
“Have you decided what you’re going to do?”
I sighed, and blew out a long breath of cigarette smoke. “I don’t want to go back, but I probably will just so I can make sure Crystal, my friend’s daughter, is okay.”
“Yeah, I get that. I would do the same thing.”
A loud bang sounded from inside the house. “Shit, Blake, I’ve got to go. I’ll call you later, okay?” I said, putting my smoke out.
“Yeah, babe. Later,” he said, and hung up.
Heading inside, I yelled out, “What happened?”
I found them both in the laundry. Turned out the noise I’d heard was the dryer falling off the wall. “Bloody hell, how did that happen?” I asked.
Serena’s cheeks reddened. “I may have slammed the dryer door really hard and, as a result, the dryer may have fallen down.”
J stood with his back to me as he inspected the wall. God, I hoped he could fix this because our landlord would not be happy. He looked around at me. “I can fix this. But it’ll mean a trip for all of us to the hardware store.”
Serena rolled her eyes. “How did I know you were gonna say that,” she grumbled.
“Sure, just let me get dressed,” I said, and left them to bicker while I went to find some clothes.
Something told me we were in for one long ass day.
7
Madison
the trip to the hardware store was a torturous experience. Serena constantly took shots at J, who in turn, argued back. By the end of it, I was ready to stab myself in the eyes and cut my ears off; anything not to have to see or hear either of them.
I was thankful, however, that J managed to pick up all the supplies he would need to fix the mess in our laundry. He and I argued over the bill. In the end, he won and paid the bill. Men!
At home, J was busy being Mr. Handyman, while Serena and I were lounging in front of the television. I’d just filled her in on everything J had told me last night.
“Shit, what are you going to do?” she asked.
“I don’t know.” I sighed.
“Okay, so you want to check on Crystal. Yes?” Serena loved helping me solve my dramas.
I nodded. “Yes.”
“So, you go home for a visit. You check on your girl, you hang out with your family for a bit, you stay until they sort this Nix mess out. Then you come back here and live happily ever after.” She smiled, happy with her own advice.
I groaned out of frustration. “You make it sound so easy when it is as far from easy as anything could be. This shit with Nix could take a long time. I might kill my family if I have to stay that long. And what am I going to do about J?”
“Yeah, biker boy poses a problem,” she mused.
“I love how, after everything I just said, all you heard was the bit about J.”
“Oh no, honey, I heard it all. But the only problem in all of that was him.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Why?”
She smiled her wicked little smile. “I’d say that’s pretty obvious. You’re both still hot for each other so I’m worried about where that would lead.”
I buried my face in my hands. “Shit, I’m screwed, aren’t I?” I said, and then looking up, I continued, “I don’t understand my feelings. He broke my heart and yet, here I am, wanting him all over again. What is wrong with me?”
“You could just fuck him and get that out of your system,” she suggested.
I considered it for a moment. She was right. I could totally fuck J. It was what I did these days anyway – fuck and run. But would I... could I walk away, and be happy with just sex? Fuck it, this was the new me, the stronger me. The me who didn’t let a guy stomp on my heart anymore. Of course, I could do it. I smiled at Serena. “Thanks, babe. I might just do that.”
J finished up in the laundry a few hours later. I was impressed with his work, as was Serena. She even appeared to warm to him a little, offering him a drink when he was finished.
“Thanks,” he said, when she made her offer, “And the next time you want to take your anger out on something, I’d suggest you choose a different target.”
She glared at him before leaving to get his drink. I rolled my eyes. “You like pissing her off, don’t you?” I said.
He chuckled, eyes twinkling. “She’s too easy to play with, babe.”
Before we could continue this conversation, his phone rang and he went outside to take the call. I traipsed into the kitchen in search of Serena.
“I might just throw this at him instead of giving it to him,” she muttered.
I laughed. “You do know he’s just playing with you, don’t you?”
“Yeah, well, I don’t want to play with him. He rubs me the wrong way.”
“Fair enough, honey. Do you want me to take him his drink?”
“Yes!” she exclaimed, shoving it at me.
I took it from her and headed outside. J was still on his call when I got to him. He looked up and caught my gaze. There was no smile, but there was certainly some heat there. I watched as his eyes moved, slowly, hungrily, over my body while he continued his conversation. By the time his eyes found mine again, every nerve ending of mine had stirred with desire and my fingers ached to touch him. Butterflies danced in my stomach and my core clenched in anticipation. I wanted him. He ended his call, put his phone in his pocket, and walked to where I stood.
“That mine?” he asked, nodding at the glass.
“Yes.” I forced the word out as I handed him the drink. Bewildered from the way he’d undressed me with his eyes, I was having trouble thinking straight, let alone forming words.
He drank some water, but kept his eyes on mine the whole time. I didn’t know where this was heading, but I was beginning to feel completely exposed to him, like he was reading my thoughts, and desires.
Needing to put some space between us, I moved to leave but he reached out and grabbed my wrist. “You feel it too, don’t you?” he said, his voice low and hoarse.
I avoided his eyes and, instead, focused on his hand holding my wrist. He let me go and put his finger under my chin, tilting my head up to look at him. I wanted to squeeze my eyes shut; I didn’t want to look at him, and I really didn’t want to look inside myself for the answer to his question.
Instead, I jerked my hand out of his hold, and said, “It doesn’t mean anything, J.”
“You sure about that, babe?”
Determined not to hide away, I looked directly into his eyes. “Yes, I’m very sure,” I replied, even though I was pretty damn sure I was lying.
He contemplated me for a couple of moments, and then slowly nodded, like he’d settled something in his mind. Then he changed the subject. “Still no word on Nix’s whereabouts.”
“So we’re still on lockdown?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. I’m pretty tired after not much sleep last night, so I’m going to have a nap,” I said. I also needed some time to myself; these unwanted desires and confused thoughts needed to go into lockdown too as far as I was concerned.
I left him outside and told my pussy to shut the hell up. She wasn’t getting any today.
I slept all afternoon
, waking around dinner time. J and Serena had managed to not kill each other. In fact, they were in the kitchen, cooking dinner together when I found them.
I sat at the table and asked, “Have you two been playing nice?”
Serena poked her tongue out at me. “As a matter of fact, we have been. J changed the oil in my car and checked some other things too.”
My eyebrows shot up. “Really? How did she convince you to do that?”
He smirked. “Let’s just say she had her ways.”
Serena flicked him with the tea towel, almost playfully. “You make it sound dirty, biker boy,” she said, and then directed at me, “I cooked cupcakes for him.”
I had to stop myself from laughing at that. “Where’s the mess from your cooking, honey?” I asked, surveying the almost-spotless kitchen. I was always the one who had to clean up her kitchen messes so I wondered who the heck had done this one.
“J cleaned it up,” Serena replied, and I didn’t fail to notice that she seemed kind of impressed about this.
J was a clever man; winning my friend over by doing things for her. I looked at him and found him watching me, smile in place. Yeah, he knew what he was doing all right. The only question was – why was he going to the effort?
The rest of the weekend passed pretty uneventfully. J continued reporting that Nix hadn’t been found yet, so we stayed home all weekend, only heading out for food and movies. After a short-lived truce, Serena and J returned to their bickering. Because I knew J, I could tell he enjoyed it, and when I tried to point this out to Serena, she rolled her eyes and complained that he should go home. Having no experience of the world I’d grown up in, I didn’t think she realised just how dangerous Nix was. I shuddered to think what he would do if he found us, but I didn’t share this with her. J didn’t push the point either. In fact, he seemed to be going out of his way to keep things light; perhaps that was why he insisted on playing with Serena – to keep the focus off the reason why we were stuck at home.
Monday morning rolled around, and Serena and I had to go to work. J tried to talk me out of going, but I stood my ground, so at nine o’clock the three of us arrived at the boutique. I tried to convince him we’d be all right without a minder, but he refused to listen.
Gina, our boss, greeted us with a smirk. Eyeing J as he stood outside the shop, she said, “I heard you had a bodyguard but they never told me he was this hot.” Gina was Blake’s sister; he must have told her about J. She was a kickass boss and I loved her hard. Unfortunately, she had no filter and said whatever came to her in the moment.
“Yeah, sorry, he’ll be hanging out here today,” I apologised.
“No need to say sorry, darl. Frankly, you’ve made my day. I do love me some eye candy,” she said with a wink.
We got to work, restocking the shelves and cleaning while J stayed outside for most of the morning. He seemed busy on his phone and I was grateful I didn’t have to deal with him in the shop.
Being around him was hard; old feelings kept resurfacing and I alternated between hurt, anger and lust. Every now and then, I caught glimpses of the J I had loved, and those times were the hardest. They hit me fair in the chest. I wondered if he had a girlfriend currently. We hadn’t really even had a friendly conversation about our lives since he’d been here so I had no clue what he’d been up to over the last couple of years. Jealousy wrapped itself around my heart when I thought of him being with someone else.
I don’t want to know.
Fuck.
Who was I kidding? I had a desperate need to know these details of his life.
I mentally slapped myself. It was time to get my shit together.
“So, darl, have you decided if you’re going to head up to Brisbane?” Gina approached me.
I sighed. I hated this question. “I think I’m going to have to, even though I don’t want to. But I don’t want to leave you stuck for staff.”
She waved her hand. “Don’t worry about me or the shop. We’ll sort something out. I just want to make sure you’re safe. And I want you to go tomorrow.”
My eyes widened. “Are you sure?”
“Yes, absolutely. You stay away as long as you need, and your job will be here when you come back,” she promised.
I gave her a huge hug. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re the best boss?”
“Oh, they don’t need to. I already know I am,” she replied, her eyes dancing with naughtiness. “Now, you go and have your lunch break and then Serena can have hers.”
I grabbed my purse and headed outside. J was on the phone, but saw me come outside and signalled for me to wait.
“I’m going to buy lunch, J. And I only get an hour so I don’t have a lot of time because the place where I buy lunch is always busy,” I said. He kept talking so I turned and walked towards the cafe where I always bought lunch. He could catch up.
I could hear him muttering something into the phone and then silence for a moment before he barked, “Madison!”
The last thing I wanted to do was stop for him, but there was something in his tone, a don’t-fuck-with-me command. So I halted my progress and turned back to him.
He stalked to where I waited. “Why the fuck do you have to be so difficult about this?” The vein in his neck pulsed and his hands clenched by his sides.
I stared at him, unsure where his harsh words came from. “About what? Waiting for you so I can buy lunch?”
Be expelled a long breath and raked his fingers through his hair. “No, about everything. I thought we were on the same page, but then you insist on working today and then you don’t wait for me to walk you to lunch. I’m just trying to keep you safe and you’re doing everything to make that hard.”
“Maybe it has something to do with the way Scott has gone about this. And the fact that he sent you.” I knew I was being irrational, but all my old hurt had resurfaced. Hurt that I’d never fully dealt with. Unfortunately it manifested itself as anger.
He flinched. It was only for a second, and most people wouldn’t have even noticed it. But I knew J, and I saw it. It surprised the hell out of me. “Well then, it looks like we’ve got some shit to sort out, babe, because I’m not going anywhere.”
“I don’t want to sort shit out with you. That ship sailed two fucking years ago, J,” I spat.
He gripped my arm, pulling me closer. “No, it fucking didn’t,” he growled, eyes blazing, “And you can’t deny there’s still something here. I feel it and I know you feel it too.”
I laughed. No, actually, I cackled. “You wanna fuck, J? I can feel that, and yeah, if you wanna go there, I’m all for it. But don’t mistake my desire for your cock for anything else.”
He let me go, and looked at me with disgust. “When the fuck did you get so bitchy?”
I settled icy eyes on his. “The day you ripped my fucking heart out, asshole.” We glared at each other for a few moments and then I said, “Now, can we go and get lunch?”
“Lead the way, sweetheart,” he grit out, and I didn’t miss the way he said ‘sweetheart’, like I was the furthest thing from his sweetheart.
My heart cracked a little more, even though I didn’t think it was possible. And fuck him for that.
8
Madison
I unzipped my bag and then answered my ringing phone, balancing it between my shoulder and ear so I could continue packing my clothes. It was Tuesday morning, and after talking it over with Serena and getting her opinion on the situation, I knew it was time to leave. J seemed immeasurably happy about this, as did Scott. I was yet to talk with my father about this, which surprised me. I figured he would have called by now. He usually had something to say about everything I did, or at least that was how it felt to me. Since moving to Coffs Harbour, I’d managed to lessen his involvement in my life and even my mother had stepped back and given me the space to live as I wished. She was the kind of woman who had to have a say in just about everything involving her family. The thought of returning to the club had cause
d me some sleepless nights. I’d fought hard for my independence and wasn’t about to give that up for anybody.
“Hello?” I answered the phone.
“Madison,” — it was Blake — “what time are you leaving?”
“Soon, honey. Have you got time to come over so I can say goodbye?” I really needed to see him before I left.
“I’ll be there,” he replied and we hung up.
I opened my closet and started throwing clothes into my bag.
Serena breezed in and sat on my bed watching me pack. “That man of yours is moody. I’ve been trying to make conversation but I give up,” she said.
“Let’s get something straight. He isn’t my man,” I said, as I finished packing.
“Why did you two break up?” she asked.
I sighed and sat down on the bed next to her. “There were a lot of reasons we broke up, but he was the one who ended it when I accused him of cheating on me. When I found out later that he didn’t cheat, I thought we might have had a chance at getting back together but stuff happened, and he told me to get out of the club, to leave town. He was done with me.”
“Fucker.” She rocked a dirty look – best friends were the shit. I loved that Serena never pressured me for more information than I was willing to give. Even though we’d been best friends for two years now, she’d never pushed me to talk about this stuff from my past. She knew I had been through something that I didn’t like to talk about, and knew that I had a messy breakup, but was happy enough to leave it at that.
“Yeah, fucker.” I grinned and hugged her. “God, I’m going to miss you.”
She hugged me hard and then pulled away. “I know. Me too. Maybe I could come and visit soon,” she said.
I shook my head. “I don’t think you should, honey. From what J and Scott have told me, it’s pretty messed up at the moment. I don’t want you getting mixed up in all of that.”
“Fuck that. I can’t leave my best girl alone when she needs me. I’m sure that J and his boys can look out for both of us.”
