Risk

by Marissa Holan

  I cringed; I didn't like Caden making promises to Jack like that.

  "Okie dokie." Jack seemed satisfied and skipped into the living room. The front door swung open and we heard Lizzy before we saw her.

  "You better have some General Tso's in that bag, Tate, or we're gonna have problems." Lizzy rounded into the kitchen with one hand on her hip. Caden gave her a smug grin and held up a large yellow carton that clearly read 'General Tso'.

  "Good." The corner of her lip twitched in an almost smile. He was growing on her, I could tell.

  We all sat around the coffee table and ate while Lizzy entertained us with stories of her wardrobe malfunction in her biology class. I was laughing so hard I had to wipe tears from my eyes. Even Caden was throwing his head back in hysterics.

  We finished eating and were lying on our backs grabbing our stomach and groaning.

  "Sooo full," Lizzy whined as she laid her head on the floor next to Jack. My phone buzzed. It was still on the couch where I threw it earlier.

  "Can you hand me my phone, Caden? I don't think I can move." I laughed, patting my belly. Caden grabbed the phone and glanced down at it as he handed it to me.

  "Derrick?" His brows drew together.. "Who's Derrick?"

  Lizzy propped herself up on her elbows with a wicked grin. She was clearly hoping that some drama would ensue. I looked at the text message.

  Playdate @ the city park? Saturday at noon?

  "Huh?" I looked up at Caden, who was still waiting for an answer. "Oh, it's one of the dad's from Jack's daycare. He wants to get the kids together for a playdate," I explained nonchalantly as I texted back.

  Sounds great! See you then.

  "Oh," Caden said, relaxing a bit.

  "I think it's nice that two single parents still find time to make playdates for their kids." Lizzy batted her eyelashes innocently. She was obviously trying to fan a fire to prove her love triangle theory.

  "Whoa, wait a minute, he's single?" Caden said, nearly choking on the water he was drinking.

  "Yeah, so?" I asked, irritated that he was getting annoyed.

  "So, he's trying to get in your pants, Kit!" Caden gave me a 'duh' look. Lizzy wiggled her eyebrows with a triumphant I-told-you-so grin.

  "That's ridiculous, Caden. Our kids get along, that's it."

  "I don't like it, Kit," he said shaking his head. "I'll go with you."

  "What? No!" I threw my hands up. "I'm an adult, Caden. I don't need a babysitter. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself."

  Caden let out a frustrated sigh. "I just don't want anyone taking advantage of you," he said calmly. Even Lizzy perceived the softness in his voice, her smile faded and she suddenly looked like she felt bad for Caden.

  "Thank you, Caden," I said. "But I don't think you have anything to worry about. He's a nice guy." I hoped it would reassure him, but his jaw tensed and something sad flickered over his face.

  Chapter 6

  The rest of the week went by in a strange blur. Most days Caden sat at his table with his friends, but he seemed more distant than usual. I tried not to let it bother me; at least he wasn't letting the dance team molest him or anything like that. He just talked with his friends and looked at his books like he was actually studying. He smiled and made small talk with me every once in a while, but the physical closeness I had gotten used to was almost completely gone. We still texted in the evenings but that was it. I had to remind myself repeatedly that this was how I wanted it.

  Friday rolled around and I was very much looking forward to a relaxing weekend. The nightmares had been hitting Jack pretty hard the past few days and between my lack of sleep and my irrational moodiness over Caden I was feeling completely drained. Unfortunately, Marcy had me working the front desk again, so the day was bound to drag on forever.

  I stared daggers into the computer screen, trying for the fifteenth time to find a title of a book a student swore existed when I heard my name. I looked up to see Derrick looking very handsome in a black suit topped with a skinny black tie. He looked professional but in a very casual, sexy way.

  "Hey, Derrick." I smiled up at him. In my peripheral I noticed Caden balk and slowly turn his head in our direction.

  "I'm doing an audit a few buildings down from here," Derrick said."I thought I'd swing by and say hi." His smile was incredibly charming. It was easy to like Derrick. "Are you busy?"

  "No, actually I—"

  "Can you help me find a book?" Caden interrupted, appearing out of nowhere.

  "Sure, Caden. Just a sec." I narrowed my eyes at him, hoping he'd take the hint. He didn't.

  "I'm kinda in a hurry," he replied almost snidely.

  "It's okay, Kitrina. I'll let you get back to work." Derrick winked as he drummed his hands on the counter.

  "Oh, sorry man. Didn't know you were waiting to talk to Kit." Caden appraised Derrick with a smug grin then held his hand out. "I'm Caden."

  Derek's eyes flickered in my direction wearily, then gave Caden a polite smile and shook his hand. "Derrick. Nice to meet you," Derrick said, keeping his tone light, but I could tell he was confused.

  "So how do you know Kit?" Caden folded his arms like he was my father giving my prom date the third degree.

  You've got to be kidding me.

  I stood up from the desk and gave Caden a pointed glare as I walked around the counter to where they were facing off.

  "I've got a fifteen minute break. Let's take a walk," I said to Derrick, pretending I hadn't noticed the pissing contest that was unfolding before me.

  "Yeah, that sounds good." Derrick practically sighed in relief.

  "Nice to meet you, Caden," Derrick said, nodding to Caden before placing his hand on my back to steer me out of the library. I heard a low, almost imperceptible growl coming from Caden. I didn't look back to see how he was reacting; he was being childish.

  "So was that guy your…boyfriend or something?" Derrick asked as we made our way down the narrow cement walkway that ran along the building.

  "No." I didn't offer any more information, hoping the subject would change.

  "Ah. He seems very…" Derrick's brows drew together as he searched for the right words.

  "Protective?" I guessed that was one way of putting it.

  "Yeah, I guess." He shrugged.

  "He's just a good friend," I said. "I'm like a little sister to him."

  Derrick nodded, seeming to accept that and changed the subject. "Andrew is really excited to play with Jack tomorrow."

  I almost forgot about our playdate. I smiled to myself thinking how much fun Jack was going to have. I thought Derrick might have misread my smile because his hand was at my back again. I was pretty sure that Derrick didn't have any interest in me outside of playdates. He was strikingly handsome and already seemed to have his life in order; what would he want with a barely in college twenty-three-year-old single mom? That seemed like too much baggage for someone like Derrick to be interested in. But when he put his hand on my back, Caden's words kept running through my mind. "he's trying to get in your pants." Maybe I needed to nip this in the bud before it got complicated.

  "So what about you, any girlfriend to speak of?" I asked, trying as hard I could to not sound like I was coming on to him.

  "Nope. No time, really," he admitted. I sighed in relief; he wasn't looking for a relationship either. "But I'll make time once I find the right girl," he amended, giving me a suggestive grin.

  Damn.

  We spent the rest of my break talking about our boys. It was nice to talk to another single parent. We laughed at how similar our experiences were. Derrick was attentive and sympathetic when I told him about Jack's nightmares. I put my hand on Derek's shoulder when he talked about how much Andrew cried the first year after his wife left them. I couldn't deny the fact that we had kind of bonded in that short fifteen minutes. I felt an invisible pressure lift from me. Knowing I wasn't the only one going through this was extremely comforting, and even gave me some hope.

  I w
alked Derrick to his car and waved him off before I headed back to work. I walked into the library to find Caden pacing with one hand in his hair, muttering something to himself.

  "Uh…everything okay?" I asked. He must not have noticed me walk in because he whipped around, surprised to see me.

  "That's Derrick?" He pointed out the door. He was pissed.

  "Yeah, that's Derrick," I replied, mocking his angry tone. "Care to explain why you're acting like such an ass?"

  Caden ran both of his hands up and down his face then through his hair. He shook his head and blew out a frustrated breath. He muttered something I couldn't understand before he stalked past me and out the door. I didn't hear from him the rest of the day.

  "He's jealous, you idiot," Lizzy chastised me as she sat cross legged on the ground coloring with Jack.

  "Jealous of what? We're not together." I was annoyed we were even having this conversation. She gave me a you're-not-really-that-dumb-are-you? look.

  "You're not together because you didn't want to take the risk." She gestured her eyes toward Jack. "Not because you guys aren't into each other."

  "No," I corrected her. "We're not together because I didn't want to take the risk and he doesn't want a…" I gestured silently to Jack. I didn't want to say it out loud and make him feel unwanted. "Besides," I continued, "we're really good friends now and I don't want to mess that up." I met her eyes, daring her to argue. She opened her mouth to say something, then thought better of it and shrugged instead.

  The next morning I woke up feeling a little uneasy. I pushed my anxiety aside and tried to remind myself that it wasn't a date, it was a playdate . For the kids. For Jack. I rolled myself out of bed and took a shower. I lingered at my closet for an unjustifiably long time. I eventually gave up and grabbed a pair of khaki Capri's, a white t-shirt, and a light pink cardigan. It was very mom-appropriate. I didn't want to wear anything suggestive. I got Jack ready and played with him in the living room until it was time to head out to the park. Just as I was about to toss my phone in my purse, I saw I had a text. It was from Caden.

  Have fun.

  I wasn't sure if he meant it or if he was just being an ass, so I texted back:

  I will.

  He could interpret that however he wanted. I sent Lizzy a text asking her if she wanted to hang out when I got back.

  Can't Frat Party 2night

  I frowned at her text. I wondered if Caden was going, and felt a little pang of jealousy at the thought.

  Of course he's going.

  The thought of Caden drinking and dancing with half the university made me sick to my stomach. Lizzy didn't bother to invite me; she knew me too well. Ever since David's accident I didn't go near alcohol. I just stayed away from the party scene altogether. The last time Lizzy dragged me out I ended up having a meltdown on some jerk that was about to drive his girlfriend home after he'd been drinking. Lizzy had to explain to everyone that was gawking at my freak out that I'd lost my husband to a drunk driver. Just another reason why Caden and I would never work out. He was totally into the party scene and that was just something I wouldn't be able to compromise on. I'd always be worrying. My stomach twisted at the thought of something happening to Caden and I swallowed my pride and sent him another text.

  B careful 2night pls.

  He didn't text back for a long time, then finally he said:

  I will.

  Jack and I made our way to the park; we found Derrick and Andrew playing near the sandbox. Little Andrew had his dad's undivided attention and the look Derrick was giving his son was adorable; my heart ached at the sight. I wish Jack had a father in his life to love him like that. I swallowed the tears that were creeping up my throat and followed Jack, who was running full speed toward Andrew. Derrick looked up just in time to see Jack and Andrew collide. I would have been worried if I didn't hear the high pitched giggling that came from both boys.

  Derrick and I made our way to a bench that sat on the outskirt of the playground. We kept our eyes on the kids as we talked. I could see out of the corner of my eye Derrick peak over at me every once in a while. It didn't have the same heart-stopping effect as when Caden looked at me, but it was…nice.

  We talked for hours. He told me how he put himself through school while taking care of an infant by himself; it turned out he was only a couple years older than me. We talked about single parenthood, God, the economy, the weather…everything. I had been so hesitant about the playdate and worried I would send the wrong signals. I wasn't that worried anymore. Did I want to send the wrong signals?

  Maybe.

  Getting to know Derrick and watching our children play together felt warm and safe. Unlike Caden, Derrick and I had something in common: Kids. My son needed a father, and his son needed a mother. Would it really be so bad to just consider pursuing something more with Derrick? Sure, I didn't have butterflies fluttering around my stomach making it hard to function like I usually did around Caden, but was that so terrible? The feelings I was developing for Caden were scary and foreign and…too much.

  The buzz of my phone woke me from my reverie; I pulled it out of my purse and saw a text message from Caden.

  Miss you.

  He knew I was at the park with Derrick; it irritated me that he was purposely trying to distract me. Then my phone buzzed again.

  Both of you.

  My irritation immediately evaporated.

  He missed Jack.

  I shook myself out of my stupor, realizing I was being incredibly rude. I peered up to Derrick who seemed to be making it a point to focus on the kids.

  "Sorry, I forgot to turn my phone off." I shrugged innocently. Derrick smiled at me and relaxed a bit.

  "No worries." He looked down at his hands in his lap like he was contemplating saying something. "This is…nice." He brought his eyes up to mine and gave me a crooked grin.

  "Yeah, it is." I smiled back at him. We both turned our attention to the kids at the same time like we were both trying to avoid an awkward moment.

  When the kids finally started getting whiny and tired, we decided to call it a day.

  "Thanks for suggesting this, Derrick," I said. "I think it was really good for Jack and I had fun too."

  "Yeah, we should definitely do it again." He raised his eyebrows hopefully.

  "Absolutely," I replied. And I meant it.

  I got Jack buckled in his seat and sat behind the wheel. Before I turned on the car, I pulled out my phone and texted Caden back. I couldn't help myself.

  We miss you too.

  Some part of me knew I was playing a dangerous game but there was a pull inside me I was having serious trouble ignoring. I knew I couldn't be with Caden, but there was a part of me that wanted him to know that just because nothing could happen between us didn't mean I didn't wish things were different. I really should have just walked away from our friendship, rip it off like a Band-Aid. But I couldn't. Not yet.

  A few seconds later, Caden responded.

  Come w/me 2night.

  I let out a sigh and shook my head. We really did live in different worlds. I didn't want to explain to him in a text why I didn't want to go or how difficult it would be to find a sitter. So I just replied:

  Not really my scene.

  About a minute later he texted back:

  Ok

  The next morning my phone buzzed, waking me up. I answered it without seeing who it was.

  "Mornin', lady face," Lizzy's voice sang into the phone.

  "Ugh, what time is it?" I yawned.

  "Its eight a.m., darlin'!" She giggled. "Did someone have a long night with their friend?"

  I rolled my eyes. "Caden was at that frat party last night. I stayed home."

  She was quiet for a second before she replied. "Uh..no, he wasn't. I was there, and he most definitely was not."

  "Oh." Why didn't he go?

  "Anyways, Kevin's got some work thing he needs to take care of today so I'm coming over to entertain you. Be there in ten," She sang b
efore she hung up. Ugh, that meant I had to get out of bed.

  I didn't bother showering or putting on clothes; I just shuffled my way to the couch in my PJ's. A few minutes later the door swung open.

  "Hellllooooo, my love!" Lizzy jubilantly greeted me, dramatically holding her arms out to the side. In one hand she was balancing a drink tray with three drinks, and in the other she had a hefty looking bag. I eyed the bag and the drinks and decided she was forgiven for waking me up this early on a Sunday morning.

  "Here is your venti caramel hot chocolate," she trilled, handing me a the steaming cup. "And cranberry orange scone," she said, digging through the bag and handing me my favorite pastry in the world.

  "Oh, Jacky boy!" she hollered as she skipped down the hall to Jack's room. Someone was certainly in a good mood.

  Jack followed Lizzy into the living room, rubbing his eyes and looking none too pleased that he was woken up. She handed him the small kid-temperature hot chocolate and made him kiss her on the cheek before she gave him his sprinkled chocolate donut. Jack instantly got over his fatigue and eagerly paid the toll for his food.

  Lizzy and I snuggled up on the couch nibbling our breakfast. She turned and looked at me with a devilish grin. "So how was your date?" She wiggled her eyebrows.

  "My play date," I corrected her, "was actually really nice." I smiled.

  "Are you really going to make me drag it out of you? Cause I gotta tell ya, I'm ripe with energy this morning. I'll do it. I will literally beat information out of you," she said before she took a massive bite of her muffin and chewed enthusiastically. "I might major in science, but I minor in ninja. Spill."

  I almost choked on my hot chocolate. "Okay okay…it was really nice. I think Derrick might…like me." I shrugged and gave her a shy smile.

  "Well no duh, Kitrina. The question is do you like him?"

  I thought about that for a moment, ignoring the fact that my mind instantly drifted to Caden.

  "I don't know," I answered honestly. "I started this new chapter in my life with a strict no boyfriends policy…"

  "But?" Lizzy prodded.

  "But hanging out with Derrick and his son made me think that maybe I could have a boyfriend." I shrugged. "I mean, Derrick and I are both going through the same thing, and I don't think he would enter into a relationship carelessly like others might." Like Caden might.