Risk

by Marissa Holan

  "Thank you." I smiled and dropped my gaze to his lips and I closed my eyes as he leaned down. His mouth brushed across mine gently. The softness of the kiss had my lips curling in a smile; I liked that he wasn't trying to be aggressive. He was taking it slow, and I appreciated that. We settled back into the movie and I snuggled just a bit more into him as his arm tightened around me. It was nice. It was comfortable.

  The next morning I woke up to a text from Caden.

  Mind if I swing by today?

  Guilt washed over me when I replayed the kiss in my mind. I had no idea why, I had nothing to feel guilty about. I texted him back.

  Since when do you need permission? C U soon.

  I dragged myself out of bed and took a quick shower. In no mood to get dressed, I slipped into some thick fuzzy socks, oversized girl boxers, and a tank top. Jack and I ate cereal on the couch and watched cartoons. I was putting our bowls in the sink when I heard a knock at the front door. I opened it to find Caden standing there looking as devastatingly gorgeous as he always did. As he walked in he made it a point to peer around the corner and look in the kitchen. I rolled my eyes; he could be such a child.

  "Stop it, Caden. You know no one's here," I chided as I slumped back on the couch.

  Caden raised his hands defensively. "I didn't know if he spent the night or not." His voice was innocent, but I couldn't believe what he was implying.

  "Are you kidding me?" I practically yelled. "Do you know me at all?"

  "Sorry, Kit—" he started to say, running his hand over his face, something I'd come to learn was his stress tick.

  "Oh, it's 'Kit' again?" I crossed my arms and cocked an eyebrow. I clearly got up on the wrong side of the bed. He seemed taken aback at my crankiness. He let out a big sigh and dropped down on the couch next to me.

  "I've made a mess of things haven't I?" he said, resting his hand on my knee. It was a gesture he'd done a million times before, but now it just seemed too intimate. I squirmed away and he frowned. I instantly regretted it, but it was too late to undo. He looked down at his hands for a few minutes while I mindlessly watched the TV. Eventually he got up without a word and walked down the hall to Jack's room. I heard Jack enthusiastically greet Caden, which tugged at my heartstrings as it usually did. It wasn't lost on me that he didn't respond to Derrick with the same affection.

  A few minutes later Jack came rushing out of his room. "Look momma! Look what Caden got me!" He jumped onto the couch and showed me a very shiny and very large racecar, then ran back to his room to dig out a racetrack.

  Caden was leaning against the wall by the hallway with a sad smile on his face. I met his gaze and held it. His iridescent eyes looked so pained. I didn't realize how much I missed looking into those eyes. I stood up and walked over to him. I stopped in front of him and held his gaze; I sighed as I wrapped my arms around his waist. I could feel him let out a breath as his arms wrapped around my shoulders and squeezed. He rested his cheek on the top of my head.

  "I've missed you, Kit," he whispered.

  "I've missed you too," I said with a sniffle. I don't know how long we stayed like that, but I didn't want to move. I didn't realize how much I missed him until he was holding me. All the stress and anxiety of the past week melted away. I could feel the tears sting my eyes, but I didn't have the energy to stop them from falling. Caden leaned back to look at me, he lifted my chin with his fingers and brushed my tears away with the back of his hand.

  "I don't want to lose you," I admitted sheepishly.

  "You'll never lose me, Kit." He pulled me tighter to his chest and kissed the top of my head.

  "Does Amanda know you're here?" I glanced up at him.

  "She can't keep me from my friends," he scoffed.

  I smiled at that, then felt a pang of my earlier guilt. "I kissed Derrick," I blurted out.

  I felt his body still. He swallowed before nodding. "It was bound to happen sometime." His voice sounded broken and it confused the hell out of me.

  "It's not like I've had a fun time thinking about you kissing Amanda," I said defensively.

  "I haven't," he replied dryly.

  I leaned back and looked up at him. "What?"

  "I haven't kissed her. I've barely touched her," he said matter-of-factly.

  "Oh." I didn't know what to think of that. I dropped my gaze, trying not to show the wave of relief that went through me, but I had to remind myself that they were still together; it would happen eventually.

  "So…are you guys…together now?" Caden asked.

  "I…I don't know. I guess so." I shrugged. Did one kiss mean we were together?

  He studied me for a moment then gave me a tight smile and nodded. "You let me know if he screws up." Caden's mouth tugged up into a grin. "I'll kick his ass." He winked and released his hold of me.

  We sat down on the couch and watched TV in silence, waiting for the awkwardness to subside. It was like an unspoken agreement that we wouldn't budge until we got our friendship back on track. When Jack came bounding down the hallway with his new racecar and a mangle of track pieces, Caden immediately met him on the floor and proceeded to help Jack assemble the track. I turned the TV off and relaxed on the couch, resting my head on the arm, and watched my two favorite boys play. I loved watching Caden play with Jack. He always seemed like he was actually enjoying himself, not just patiently humoring him like most adults who play with toddlers.

  "Kit…wake up," Caden whispered as he jostled my shoulder.

  "Hmm?" I blinked a few times before yawning. Did I fall asleep? I sat up and looked around, searching for the time.

  "It's two o'clock," Caden said, reading the question on my face.

  "Holy crap." I rubbed my eyes. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep."

  "Don't apologize. You looked like you needed it." Caden sat beside me. "Jack still having trouble at night?" He put his hand on my knee. This time I let him keep it there.

  "Yeah, most nights at least," I said on another yawn.

  "He went down for a nap about twenty minutes ago…" Caden looked toward Jack's room then back to me. "I uh…I kinda gotta head out," he said with an apologetic smile.

  "Yeah..no, of course." I smiled and then stood up to walk him out. I knew he was leaving to go see Amanda. When we reached the door he turned to me with a ghost of a frown on his face.

  "Umm…you missed a few calls." He turned to open the door.

  "Thanks," I said; I knew the phone calls were from Derrick. If it was Lizzy calling, he would have answered it like he always did. It never bothered me that he helped himself to my phone, I was just glad that he and Lizzy had developed their own funny friendship.

  After Caden left I sat back down on the couch and tried to assess my feelings. I realized that after the revelation of my kiss with Derrick, Caden would probably feel free to do the same, if not more, with Amanda. The thought made me nauseous, but I swallowed it. It was none of my business. We both drew clear lines, and that was the way it needed to be. That was what was best for everyone. I decided to call Derrick back to take my mind off of things.

  "Hey, beautiful," Derrick answered on the second ring. His greeting made me smile.

  "Hey, handsome. Sorry I missed your call, what's up?"

  "I just put Andrew down for a nap. I was thinking about you and wanted to see how you were." I could hear the smile in his voice. At first I didn't want to divulge what I had been up to most of the day, but then I realized if Caden and I were going to save our friendship, I needed to be upfront with Derrick.

  "I hung out with Caden today. He just left." I kept my tone light so I didn't inadvertently imply anything.

  The phone was silent for a few seconds. "Oh that's nice. You guys have a good time?" he asked genuinely. I had to give it to him, the guy knew how to be a grown up. I smiled to myself, hopeful that my friendship with Caden would be fine. He could have a girlfriend, I could have a boyfriend, and we could still be friends.

  "Yeah, but I passed out on the couch for m
ost of the day." I laughed. "I think I need to get more sleep at night."

  "Jack still waking up?"

  "Yeah…I think I'm going to talk to his pediatrician again. This can't be normal." I let out a sigh. "Anyways, what are you up to for the rest of the day?"

  "I was hoping I could see you tonight." His voice sounded hopeful with just a hint of nervousness.

  "I'd like that," I said. "What would you like to do?"

  "As much fun as our play dates have been, I was hoping to take you out on a real date." He paused for a second. "May I take you out to dinner tonight, Kitrina?" His tone was so formal and Polite that I couldn't help but grin. He was adorable.

  "I would love to," I said. "Just let me make sure I can line up a sitter. I'll text you in a few minutes."

  We hung up and I sent a quick pleading text message to Lizzy. Of course she texted me back within seconds saying she was insulted that I would think I needed to beg. I loved that girl. I sent Derrick a quick text.

  Got a sitter

  A few seconds later my phone buzzed.

  Great. pick you up at 6.

  I spent the next couple of hours trying on random clothes looking for the perfect "first-technical-date" outfit. Finally, I settled on a little black sleeveless dress with powder pink heels and a small matching belt that wrapped around my waistline. I straightened my hair and applied my makeup. I gave myself a once over in the mirror and headed out to the living room where Lizzy was playing with Jack.

  "Meeoow!" Lizzy hooted when I surfaced.

  "Momma, you're pretty." Jack's smile beamed up at me. My heart did a little skip.

  "Thank you both." I mock curtsied. Just then there was a knock at the door. I raised my eyebrows to Lizzy who gave me two thumbs up. When I opened the front door, Derrick was standing there with two roses. He was wearing a tailored black suit, a charcoal gray dress shirt and black tie. He looked like he just stepped out of GQ. He ran his eyes down to my heels then back up and let out a breath.

  "Wow," he said with appreciative eyes. I couldn't help but blush. I widened the door to let him in. "For you," he said as he handed me one of the roses. "And for you." He handed Lizzy the other rose. "Thank you for watching Jack, I very much wanted to take Kitrina on a proper date." He smiled charmingly at her. I thought her jaw might unhinge. He raised his elbow for me to take. "Shall we?"

  I threaded my arm through his and started toward the door. I looked over my shoulder at Lizzy who mouthed 'Oh.My.God!' to me and then wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

  "So where are we going?" I asked as he drove out of my apartment parking lot.

  "There is this new Italian restaurant downtown," he said. "I haven't been, but I hear it's fabulous." He reached over the middle console and held my hand. I looked at our entwined fingers and smiled. It was nice. I didn't feel awkward or uncomfortable, so I just kept my hand in his.

  We walked through the doors of the restaurant and were submerged in the thick warm scent of garlic and onion. I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply. I loved Italian food. Derrick put his hand on the small of my back and lead me to the bar area. I must not have been paying attention because I didn't even notice my surroundings until I heard Derrick talk.

  "Caden, nice to see you again," Derrick said perfectly politely.

  My head shot up. My eyes immediately found Caden leaning against the bar sipping a glass of water. He was wearing a fitted sweater, dark blue jeans and black boots. He looked ridiculously sexy. His eyes met mine, then traveled slowly down the length of me and back up. I would have been worried about Derrick noticing Caden rake his eyes over me so seductively, but he was too busy introducing himself to Amanda. Ugh. Amanda, of course. I grabbed the water the bartender placed on the bar and took a drink to try and cool off.

  "Hello. I'm Derrick, Kitrina's boyfriend." Derrick reached out his hand to Amanda. I choked on my water mid-sip. Boyfriend? I set my water down and coughed, trying to play it off. I could see Caden's eyes narrowed into icy slits out of my peripheral.

  "Nice to meet you. I'm Amanda," Amanda said sweetly, reaching to shake Derrick's hand. "It's about time Kitrina got a boyfriend, I was beginning to worry." She laughed innocently. Derrick gave her a polite smile, but the look on his face told me he wasn't buying her sweet as candy act.

  "Would you two care to join us? we can make it a double date," Derrick offered,. I knew he didn't really want them to join us, but if there was one thing I knew about Derrick, he was polite as all get out; it would be out of character for him not to offer.

  Caden said, "No, thank you" at the same time Amanda said, "We'd love to!"

  Great. Just freaking great.

  The hostess sat us at a little table by a window. Derrick pulled my chair out for me and I smiled at him. I couldn't help but notice how at ease he seemed. I guessed seeing Caden with another woman quashed his insecurity about him. That was something at least. We made small talk while we looked over the menus. By the time we ordered most of the tension was gone. Apparently Amanda was an accounting major, so conversation was easy enough between her and Derrick. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't completely and utterly shocked when she told us that. All of her clothes seemed to be a few sizes too small for her; I figured she just couldn't read numbers. I shot Caden a glare when I noticed him trying to smother a laugh when he saw my shocked reaction.

  Halfway through our meal, both mine and Caden's phone buzzed at the same time. We both shrugged to our respective dates and quickly checked our phones. Caden and I simultaneously laughed when we read our text messages. We swiftly typed in our phone then looked up at each other.

  "Ready when you are," Caden said with a grin and a cocked eyebrow.

  "…Now!" I announced, and we both hit 'send' and started giggling.

  "Um…is there something I'm missing?" Amanda chimed in, folding her arms over he chest, clearly annoyed. Derrick was just looking at me with curiosity. I was about to explain, but our phones buzzed again. I laughed at the same time Caden groaned and smacked his hand against his head.

  "Really, Kit?" Caden looked at me like I was crazy. "Janet?"

  "Hell yeah, Janet. Chrissy's a ditz!" I rolled my eyes like it was obvious.

  Amanda let out a huff. "Oh jeez, not this stupid game again," she said, taking a sip of her water.

  "What game?" Derrick asked, confused but clearly a little amused. Caden explained the 'who's hotter' game to Derrick, who found it pretty hilarious.

  "So you guys bet actual money on this?" He leaned on the table.

  "Absolutely." Caden nodded. "Your girlfriend here just lost me seventy five bucks." Caden's voice held an edge to it when he said "girlfriend", but Derrick didn't notice.

  "You bet seventy five dollars?" I practically shouted. "On…Chrissy?" I threw my hands up.

  "They take this stupid game way too seriously," Amanda leaned in closer so she couldwhisper to Derrick. He just nodded in understanding. I found it sweet that he found our childish college antics amusing. I smiled at him and winked.

  We finished the rest of our dinner and continued talking. We talked about school, Derrick's work, our kids, and local events. Derrick was very sweet and attentive to me. Brushing his hand over mine, or resting it on my knee every once in a while. I tried to keep my focus on Derrick, but I couldn't help but feel Caden's eyes on me. I didn't let myself check because I was too afraid I'd be disappointed if I was wrong.

  We said our goodbyes after dinner, and Amanda and Caden were already out the door before I even had my coat on.

  "Uh oh, I think Amanda left her scarf here," Derick said, picking up the purple satin scarf that was on the floor behind the chair Amanda had been occupying.

  "I'll go run out and see if I can catch her." I grabed the scarf and headed for the front door. I walked outside and spotted them around the corner of the restaurant. I made my way over but slowed down when I heard them arguing. I backed up against a pillar in front of the restaurant to hide myself.

  "Could you be any more obvious,
Caden?" Amanda said venomously.

  "What the hell are you talking about?" Caden asked, sounding tired and frustrated.

  "You were practically staring at her the whole night!" she yelled.

  "That's crazy, I was not!"

  "What's going on, Caden? Tell me the truth, are you in love with her or something?" Amanda's voice suddenly went from furious to deadly serious.

  There was a pause before Caden groaned and then shouted. "She's my best friend!" His voice could have shaken the whole restaurant.

  My stomach started to coil, and I was not about to show my face now. I turned and scurried back into the restaurant where Derrick was waiting for me.

  "I must have just missed them." I shrugged, still holding Amanda's scarf. He led me out of the restaurant and to his car. We made it back to my apartment and stopped at my door.

  "Thank you so much Derrick," I said sincerely. "I had a nice time, and it was really nice of you to include my friends." I smiled up at him.

  "I had a nice time too, Kitrina." He cupped my face with his right hand. "And I like your friends…and I know it's kind of a package deal." He shrugged with a sheepish smile.

  He was being so sweet and so understanding; I leaned up against him and brushed my lips against his. He lifted his other hand to cup the other side of my face before pulling me closer. The kiss deepened as he kept a firm hold of my face. Before I could think of what to do next, he released his hold on me and leaned back to look in my eyes.

  "Goodnight, Kitrina." He smiled and kissed my forehead.

  "Goodnight, Derrick." I returned his smile and watched him walk back to his car.

  I walked into my apartment to find Lizzy and Jack passed out on the couch. I picked Jack up and tucked him into his bed. I walked back into the living room and pulled a blanket over Lizzy and maneuvered a pillow under her head. I made it to my room and changed into my PJ's. I was settling into bed when I picked up my phone to plug it into the charger. There was a text from Caden.

  Had a nice time. He's a good guy.

  I felt the oddest combination of relief and disappointment. I texted him back.