Risk

by Marissa Holan

  Lizzy's phone buzzed. I popped my head up anxiously. She read the text on her phone and looked up. "It's just Caden, he wanted you to know everything is still fine upstairs." She sent a quick text back and put her phone in her lap. Knowing Caden was keeping his word and giving me updates calmed my nerves enough for me to close my eyes.

  I must have fallen asleep for a while because when I opened my eyes Lizzy was no longer in the room and I felt a weight on my legs. I craned my head up to see Caden sitting in a chair by my bed resting his head on my lap, his fingers intertwined with mine. He lifted his head when he felt stirring. When my eyes opened all the way and found his, he offered me a soft, tired smile.

  "Things are still okay with Jack," were the first words out of his mouth. He knew that was all I cared about, and I loved that he knew me like that.

  I squeezed his hand the best I could. "Thank you," I said in a weak voice.

  That's how things went over the next couple days. I would spend as much time as the doctors would allow at Jack's bedside, and the rest of the time either Lizzy or Caden was with him. I started to move around a little better. I could walk without too much pain. My ribs still hurt like a mother, but at least I could walk to the bathroom on my own.

  One of the nurses and Lizzy helped me take a bath. It was painful and awkward, but it felt good to be clean. The nurse had mentioned that whenever she checked on Jack, Caden would be there reading him a book.

  "He loves that boy," Lizzy confirmed as she rinsed my hair. I knew that was true. It was one of the reasons I fell in love with him. I smiled knowing that Caden was helping. If I couldn't be there, I know Caden's voice would help Jack wake up.

  After I was dried off and given a new pair of underwear, a t-shirt, and some yoga pants (thank you Lizzy), I crawled back into my hospital bed. The doctors were just waiting on my blood work and the results from my Cat-Scan and MRI before they would discharge me. I was about to doze off when Lizzy's phone rang.

  "Yeah?" She answered, narrowing her eyes. I could hear a muffled frantic voice then Lizzy shot up, knocking the chair over. My heart stopped as I took in her shocked face.

  "He's awake!" she shouted, jumping up and down and thanking God profusely.

  I scrambled out of my bed and took Lizzy by the hand as we made our way to pediatrics. I refused to allow myself to feel any kind of relief until I saw him for myself. Lizzy and I barreled through the door and came to a halt when we saw Jack. Caden was completely wrapped around him. Caden's shoulders were shaking and I could hear his muffled cries in Jack's neck. He was utterly and completely sobbing. Jack looked up at me and gave me a sleepy smile.

  "Mama." he said, his voice a little hoarse. Caden released him and stepped back so I could go to him. I pulled him into my arms and squeezed my eyes shut.

  "I love you, Jack. I love you so much," was all I could say as I kissed his hair and his face over and over again.

  I peered over my shoulder to see Caden sitting in a chair in the corner of the room with his head in his hands; his body was still wracking. It seemed as if he'd been holding his breath this whole time, and when he finally let it out it came out as a sob. I could see Lizzy itching to get next to Jack so I slid away and turned toward Caden. The minute I was off the bed Lizzy was on it, kissing and hugging Jack fiercely. I sat on my knees in front of Caden and placed a hand on his knee. He lifted his head from his hands and met my gaze. His entire face was red and the tears were streaming down his face like waterfalls. It did something to my chest seeing him like this. He was completely undone.

  "Thank you." It didn't even sum up how grateful I was that he spent every minute he could to be by Jack's side, reading to him, and talking to him. "You saved him." My eyebrows pinched as my relief came in the form of tears.

  Caden grasped my face in his hands and just looked at me through his swollen glossy eyes. Before I knew it he swooped me up by my waist, careful to avoid my ribs, and placed me in his lap. He wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in my neck. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and we just held each other while we cried.

  The doctors wanted to keep Jack for another week. I didn't argue; I wanted to make sure every inch of him was checked and given the okay before we stepped foot outside the hospital doors. My tests and scans came back normal, so I was discharged just after Jack woke up. I told Lizzy and Caden to go ahead and head home. They both said no—in stereo—followed by some profanity.

  I spent everyday at Jack's bedside. The hospital staff tried to tell me I had to leave for the night and suggested I get a hotel. Before I blew my lid on two nurses and a doctor, Caden stepped in and cited some state statute and quoted verbatim the hospital's policy and bylaws. I gaped at him in shock. Law school suited him.

  Once the nurses gave up and handed me some pillows and a blanket, I turned to Caden and beamed a huge smile at him. "You're amazing, you know that?"

  My praise seemed to take him by surprise. "I am?" he askedwith a pleased smirk.

  "You are," I said with a forceful nod. "And you're going to be an amazing lawyer." I smiled at him but his face fell.

  "Kit…" he looked at me apologetically. "I'm so sorry I was such a jerk."

  It took me a minute to figure out what he was talking about. Then I remembered the weeks leading up to the accident, and how he had gotten so angry at me. I wasn't sure what to say. After the week that I had, I wasn't really thinking about our little spat.

  "Don't worry about it, Caden," I said sincerely.

  "I can't believe I acted that way. I was just so angry…" he trailed off. "Mostly at my mom, but I took it out on you, and I shouldn't have." He ran a hand down my shoulder and I smiled at him, letting him now that we were okay. I wasn't angry with him; he had made up for it ten times over.

  I suddenly realised how much school he was missing. I was missing school too, but Lizzy had let my professors know what happened and they were holding all of my assignments and tests for me for when I got back. Caden didn't have a 'hey I almost died' excuse to miss class.

  "Caden," I looked at him quizzically, "aren't you like…missing a lot of school right now?"

  "I've got it taken care of." He shrugged. "No biggie." I wasn't sure I was buying it, but I didn't argue. I noticed he had his laptop with him, so he was probably doing some homework or turning in his papers electronically.

  Jack was in better spirits; he was almost back to his bubbly old self. One day he requested that Lizzy and I go away so he and Caden could have "bro time". Seriously. His words. Lizzy and I both laughed all the way to the cafeteria. The things that kid said never ceased to surprise and entertain me.

  "How's Kevin?" I asked as I sipped on a mug of some pretty low grade hot chocolate. ugh, hospitals.

  "Great, actually." She perked up immediately. "Looks like he found a house for us."

  "Really? I didn't even know you were looking."

  "We weren't, but with his job he made a lot of contacts, and he found this little house for a great price. It's a fixer-upper, but since I'm not done with school yet, it would be a fun project to have until I graduate and get a job." She beamed.

  "That's awesome, Lizzy! Where is it?" I knew it was at least in the same city since Kevin would never leave his job, but having her far away made me queasy. I immediately chided myself for even thinking that way. Lizzy's happiness was more important than my clingy need to be close to my best friend.

  "It's on 53rd Street," she said with a knowing grin.

  That was literally less than five minutes away from me. I tried to hide my relief but totally failed. I think it was the excited squeal that gave me away.

  We headed back up to Jack's room, and found Jack asleep and Caden sitting in the corner chair typing on his laptop. I didn't want to interrupt his homework, since he was probably super behind because of me, so I quietly sat in the chair on the other side of Jack's bed while Lizzy stepped out to call Kevin. Caden glanced up at me from his screen and sent me a sweet smile then went back to typing. I
kept my eyes on him while he worked. I had been so overwhelmed with the accident and Jack that my brain wouldn't allow me to think about anything besides Jack. Now that we were closer and closer to being out of the woods, I started to relax and let my mind wander a bit. Looking at Caden, my heart swelled with the love I had for him.

  The fact that he put his entire life on hold to be here with me and Jack just solidified the fact that I would always be hopelessly and completely in love with him. I had mixed feelings about that. Part of me felt some peace knowing that this was just my life now. I would always love him. Period. I didn't have to force myself to feel differently or talk myself into pretending I felt nothing. I just knew I loved him, and I would have to work around that, build my life around that. Somehow I would adjust and accept that I more than likely would not find another love like this, but that was okay. I felt lucky to feel true love not once, but twice in my life. David was my first love, and Caden would be my last. I hoped that I could find a way to love my future husband, if I decided to ever get married again, but I was getting way ahead of myself. Baby steps.

  Caden felt my eyes on him and lifted his gaze to mine. "What is it?" he asked quietly.

  "Nothing." I offered a small smile, but didn't stop looking at him.

  No point in telling him my realization that I would love him forever. That wouldn't help either of us move on. He belonged at Yale, and I belonged right where I was. Looking at Caden was bittersweet, finding your soulmate only to realize you were on two separate paths with separate fates.

  Jack was released from the hospital and was overjoyed to be showered in balloons and stuffed animals. Lizzy, Caden, and I took him out for ice cream before we had to get on a plane to go home. We made it through security at the airport without incident and were sitting in those uncomfortable leather chairs by our gate number. Caden's flight to Connecticut left first, so we all huddled around him to say our goodbyes. Lizzy gave him a big bear hug and he lifted her to swing her around. I loved seeing how far they had come in their relationship. They had a real love for each other. Granted it was a combative sibling rivalry love, but love nonetheless.

  Jack was next. He wrapped his little arms around Caden's neck and nearly squeezed the life out of him. I could see Caden wince as he tried to breathe, but he didn't let go of Jack. He whispered a few things to Jack, and Jack nodded in response. I was curious what he was saying, but I didn't want to pry. I wanted Jack to have this moment with Caden. Then it was my turn. I suddenly felt very awkward. Was I supposed to hug him? What would I say to him after everything that had happened? I found myself standing directly in front of him, making no move to touch him. He was equally as still. We looked at each other, letting all the words we wanted to say just float away in the silence. The pain in my chest that always appeared around Caden crept up on me. It was as if my heart became very attuned to when it was about to break. I just wanted to get this over with so I could go home and have the nice healthy mental breakdown I deserved.

  "Good luck, Caden," was all I could say.

  He eyed me for a moment. "You too, Kit," he replied and then turned toward his gate and walked away.

  As far as airport goodbye's went, this one was pretty anticlimactic, but it was probably for the best; no one wants to sit next to a sobbing lunatic on an airplane.

  The flight felt longer than it was. Probably because I was still wrapping my head around everything that happened. Jack and I almost lost our lives the way David had, just after visiting him for the first time. I stared at my boy who had snuggled into Lizzy's side and fell asleep. He was my world; I couldn't believe I came so close to losing him.

  Kevin met us at the airport and nearly knocked me over when he tackled me.

  "Holy crap, Kitrina, you freaked me out," he said after squeezing me until I was blue. "And you," he knelt down and pulled Jack into a much gentler embrace. "you are a superhero, kid." He kissed his cheek and ruffled his hair. Jack beamed at him."Ok ladies, let's get you home," Kevin announced as he picked up Jack and walked toward the baggage claim.

  The drive home was a blur. Kevin and Lizzy dropped Jack and I off at our apartment, and then went to go look at their prospective house. When Jack and I walked in, it was almost surreal to be home. Everything was in its place, like nothing horrible or scary had happened. But it had. My life was flipped on its axis for two weeks while I faced my worst fear. Jack was understandably exhausted; he still didn't quite understand what had happened, he just remembered taking a long nap and dreaming about me, Lizzy, and Caden. I didn't want to scare him and tell him how close to not waking up he was, so I just told him that he was sleeping so his body could get better. He accepted that explanation and tucked himself under my covers. I may have been a bit on the paranoid side, but Jack was sleeping in my bed so I could monitor his breathing at all times until I was good and ready to let him sleep in his bed again. That would probably be a long time.

  I took a hot shower, careful not to get my cast wet, and put on a pair of cotton shorts and a tank top. Having one working arm, and my left one at that, was proving to be a righteous pain in the ass. I sat on the sofa, tucked my legs under me and flipped on the TV. I was ready to watch something happy that didn't require a lot of brain power. I heard a key jiggle in the lock and figured Lizzy had forgotten something. The door swung open and Caden stormed in like there was a fire.

  I looked up wide eyed and shocked to see him. He was panting like he had just come from running. I was beginning to get worried. I stood up and looked over his shoulder, half expecting someone to come running after him.

  "Caden, what are you—" my words were cut off by his lips crashing into mine. His hands held the sides of my head, locking me in place. I couldn't move even if I tried. His lips moved urgently against mine until I opened for him. He wasted no time slipping his tongue in my mouth and completely consuming me. The heat that swirled in my belly had me discarding my initial shock and confusion. I gripped the front of his shirt and pulled him closer. I matched his urgency with my lips exploring every inch of his mouth. His hands released the vice grip he had on me and plunged into my still damp hair. I ran my hand over his chest and up his neck until I cupped his face. He pulled away to catch his breath.

  "What are you doing here?" I panted with wide, confused eyes.

  "I…" He was still trying to catch his breath. His hands left my hair and he took a step back. "I had a layover in Indiana, and I couldn't do it." He was shaking his head now. "I took the next flight here."

  "Caden…you have to go back to school," I reminded him. I was starting to panic that he was about to give everything up for me again. He started to shake his head, and I needed to nip this in the bud before he did anything crazy. "I know the accident scared you—hell, it scared me too—but you can't go throwing your life away because you got scared."

  I started to raise my voice, angry that he was making me turn him away again. Did he think it was easy for me to let him walk away? Did he think I enjoyed telling him it was in his best interest to leave me? The pain of giving him up the first time was almost too much to handle, how dare he make me go through this again because of one scare. "Damn it Caden, don't make me do this again!" I let my anger bubble up until I was shouting at him.

  "Do what, Kit?" he asked, his voice rising to match mine.

  "Make you leave! It nearly killed me the last time I had to do it and I won't do it again!" angry tears were forming in my eyes as I shook my head.

  "Then don't!" He grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. "I love you, Kit. I need you—"

  "Stop!" I interrupted him and shoved his hands off of me. "Get out, Caden!" I pointed to the door. "I will not let you give up your life for me! Leave!" My shouts were getting mixed with my sobs and I started to push him. "Go!" I pushed his chest with my one good hand as hard as I could; he stumbled back a few steps, his face contorted in rage. "Go!" I yelled and then pushed again.

  "Stop!" he shouted and grabbed my wrist to keep me from pushing him any f
urther. I shrank back at the harshness of his tone; I had never heard him so volatile before. "I am not leaving! I need you back, Kit!" His voice still full of anger. " I need my son back!" He pointed toward the hallway where he knew Jack was.

  His words froze me in place. What did he just say? Did he just call Jack his..son? I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, I just stared at him in complete shock. His chest heaved as he tried to calm himself down before he spoke again. I think he could see the shock in my eyes and couldn't tell if I was angered by what he said or not.

  "I know he had a father," he said. "I'm not trying to replace him." He paused to take a breath and gather his thoughts, "But damn it, Kit, I don't care what any DNA test says, that boy is mine. " He slapped his hand over his heart to emphasise the last word.

  At that moment every cell in my body melted into a puddle on the ground. I thought I was going to faint. Caden caught a hold of me when I swayed and stood me upright, keeping his hands on my shoulders to balance me.

  He looked me straight in the eyes. "He's mine," he repeated softly. "You…" he slid his hand down my arm to take hold of my hand, "are mine."

  His words were so full of certainty; there was nothing I could do or say to change his mind. He played with my fingers as I stared into his eyes, dumbfounded. When I felt something foreign on my hand I looked down. A glistening emerald cut diamond ring was placed on my ring finger. I gasped and started to tremble. I looked back up at Caden, my eyes followed his as he knelt down onto both of his knees. He took my hand in both of his and pressed them to his chest.

  "Be my wife." it wasn't a question or a statement. He was begging.

  His eyes pleaded for me to accept this. Slowly I slid down onto my knees in front of him. His breathing had slowed and I watched his chest rise and fall with even breaths. I couldn't form words, so I just nodded.